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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
I don’t understand a lot of things….. I am sad and lonely and depressed and suicidal thought oriented, but I don’t want to die I just want peace…. I have drank , gambled and pissed away as much money as a lot of people make in a lifetime… I am a guy that hurts and don’t understand all the reasons that I M HURT and feel in-significant, worthless, void and angry, but goddamn it I hurt And I feel like self destructing,, valium and klonopin and tri-leptal and ever other mother f*cking goddamn drug I have been given and or prescribed should certainly do the f*cking trick….. What if I fail and end up living as a f*cking vegetable and a burden to a hospital staff or my family or anybody that would happen to give a f*ck about me> I am sorry ….yes there are undertones of self loathing and some self pity here …but I just do not know after everyone has told me that Jesus is the answer… I don’t fully get it… what the f*ck is he doing in my life other than allowing me to be “forgiven” for the f*cking sins that I have committed against his Father … Our God who sent himself in his form of us…the image of man to forgive us for our sins against him … the same dude that created us and I did not even ask to be f*cking created……. I am supposed to worship him and believe that there is a hope AND a future for my life when all I have seen for half or more of my life is loneliness, agony, addiction, strife, rage, dis-appointment,rejection, mental fuckededness, addictions, temptations, and all the other f*cking b*llshit that goes along w/living this god-damn f*cking miserable life of depression, severe anxiety, loneliness ,emptiness weather I try to him or god or ask and claim my healing. In Jesus’ name… I am sick of living the hope the dream the victory that the bible he promises he claims in the Bible. A hope for the future … one of good things and not bad…. If I had the guts and a gun and it would not F*CK up the people who love me and my friends lives to the point of their own demise of ultimate suicide…etc. I would do it but all I know that this life is b*llshit and I wish god would show me, heal me or kill me…GOD-DAMN IT I DID NOT ASK TO BE F*CKING BORN INTO THIS F*CKING LIFE…………… At a time in my early years, I used to or at least thought I used to love this life… I have experienced soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much rejection and dis-appointment that I just don’t give a mother f*cking sh*t any more … but yet I go on and hope and pray and take action that If I believe right and trust and surrender it all to Jesus and God that I will find true healing .. Right now…. I am sorry but I feel like it is one big GOD_Damn joke and experiment on His behalf…. What I am supposed to do. I do not write this to be blasphemous or otherwise but if I can’t write and experience and say what I feel and think to a God who is and has been and always will, be and he can or cant handle it… then f*ck him.. Sorry I was f*cked from the f*cking beginning. If I did know better (?) I would down all the god-damn meds and the fith of scotch I have and say good bye …but for some f*cked up reason I still feel like this life is worth living and re-pairing …but My god it is agony and f*cking hard…
This it for now!
Clint Carle
Posted by rayww on August 26, 2005, at 10:26:25
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
There are laws that govern our happiness and when we break them, when we disobey, then God seems like he distances himself from us, but it is actually we who by our disobedience, distance ourselves from God. If you have been told that all that is necessary to build a relationship, is to believe, you have been told wrong. You build your relationship with God the same as you create any other thing. Upon laws and principles.
There is no such place as happily ever after for any of us. Life is supposed to be filled with challenges that test us. Life is like a three act play, but we just see the second act, and don't know where we came from or why we are here. But the second act was a continuation of our first act, and the third act will continue after this one. So do a little better today than yesterday Clint - - it's all you have to create with. The third act is the only happily ever after some of us will ever see, even though with a relationship with God, we are given peace in this life to help us bear patiently our trials and troubles, and pain. Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear. You will feel better soon.
Posted by lynn970 on August 27, 2005, at 0:17:19
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
Are you finished venting? God is big. He knows your frustrations. I have seen God perform miracles--- healings. Awsome miracles. He is real and He does love you.
** I thought that I was having a bad day!!!
Your day must have been worse than mine.
Posted by Fun1 on August 27, 2005, at 6:42:34
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
Your message immediately reminded me of these 2 phrases from these 2 songs......
I beg your pardon...........
I never promised you a rose garden...
along with sunshine .....
ya gotta have a little rain fall sometime......
Kay serah, serah - Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Kay serah, serahTHese were appropriate however they offer little help to your problem. Upon further thought, I believe that the solution to your problem lies within the fiollowing words........
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change........
The courage to change the things I can........
And the wisdom to know the difference......
Hope things get better for you.....Fun1
Posted by JLx on August 28, 2005, at 1:53:52
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
Hi Clint,
I read some of your previous posts to see if this one was a more of an acute mood or a chronic condition, and apparently it's a bit of both. It looks like you've been struggling with certain things for a long time, but have a lot of compassion and worthiness to offer people nevertheless.
I'm glad to see that you feel as if life is worth living and repairing despite your current state, and also recognize how much pain you would cause others in your own self-destruction. I hope you can see that there's strength there that you can build upon.
Whatever state we're in, it's uniquely ours so I don't mean to suggest that "I know how you feel" by saying, I recognize some similarities in experience and thinking, so I hope you won't mind a few comments that you can take in a "for what it's worth" manner.
>…but I just do not know after everyone has told me that Jesus is the answer…
I can think of a few possibilities when a religious concept like this isn't "working". One is that it's wrong. Another is that it's wrong *for you*. You note that "everyone has told me". Do you believe it? A Muslim will tell you that Islam is the answer. Since you've mentioned addictions, a 12-stepper will tell you that a twelve step program is the answer. In fact, they will tell you that addiction is primary, i.e. if you don't address that first, no amount of therapy, meds or whatever will solve your problem. What are you willing to believe? What do you actually believe?
And then, once believing, what are you willing to do within that framework? In a conversation I once had with somebody some years back, I recall her ruefully admitting that she was expecting God to fix her and she was frustrated that her demand wasn't being met, in a "What was I thinking?" kind of way. I thought, "Hmm...you mean I'm NOT supposed to expect God to fix me? And then get ticked off when it doesn't happen? Then what's this all about?". In time, with effort and exploration, I came to learn that the idea wasn't to say, "Ok, ok, I surrender...now where's my prize?" but to walk a path paying attention to guides and signposts with an attitude of trust and acceptance of the rightness of where I end up. Iow, there's practice, truth-seeking, exploration and learning involved. "Doing the footwork and leaving the outcome up to God".
It's not easy, especially to do alone, which is why people flock together in churches, other groups and even message boards, ;) reinforcing, correcting and encouraging one another. What are you willing to participate in?
>I don’t fully get it… what the f*ck is he doing in my life other than allowing me to be “forgiven” for the f*cking sins that I have committed against his Father … Our God who sent himself in his form of us…the image of man to forgive us for our sins against him … the same dude that created us and I did not even ask to be f*cking created……. I am supposed to worship him and believe that there is a hope AND a future for my life when all I have seen for half or more of my life is loneliness, agony, addiction, strife, rage, dis-appointment,rejection, mental fuckededness, addictions, temptations, and all the other f*cking b*llshit that goes along w/living this god-damn f*cking miserable life of depression, severe anxiety, loneliness ,emptiness weather I try to him or god or ask and claim my healing. In Jesus’ name… I am sick of living the hope the dream the victory that the bible he promises he claims in the Bible. A hope for the future … one of good things and not bad….
I'm not a Christian but these sentiments suggest to me that perhaps Christianity is not for you, OR perhaps you need to more fully explore the concepts that you address here. You're angry, you seem to feel cheated that what you've been promised isn't being fulfilled. In effect, that God/Jesus isn't acting in your life in the way that you've been lead to believe you can expect. Have you talked to a paster or other knowledgable person that you respect about these ideas?
If we think of God as person-like, doing person-like things, as the Christian tradition seems to suggest, throw in rhetoric like "ask and you shall receive", well it's hard not to feel angry and bewildered if the implied promise isn't realized. So, perhaps the concept is not so simple?
I prefer to think of spiritual surrender in a less anthropomorphic manner so I don't run into difficulties with defining God, having authority issues with God, certain expectations or whatever. I'm drawn to the concepts of Taoism and sometimes think of the Tao, or way, literally as a river and where am I in relation to it? Am I floating peacefully, allowing myself to be borne along to wherever I'm meant to be, or am I struggling, trying to swim upstream because I'm convinced I'd rather be there. Or am I not even in the water but instead shivering with fear on the bank or nearly planted in the soil with obstinancy? Or much more rarely, is the flow instead within me, guiding me effortlessly? In the Christian tradition, this would be expressed perhaps instead as an attitude of "Thy will be done" and living in accordance with that will.
Either way, I don't think we are necessarily promised that it will be an easy ride, but more that we may have our ride eased through our spiritual practice.
Of course, this is the kind of observation that doesn't usually cut much ice when someone is in a lot of pain. If that's the case, I hope your venting provided some relief.
(Now if this was the Alt Med board instead of Faith, I'd be asking you if you supplemented with magnesium, because it's helped me a LOT, including alleviating the kind of suicidal ideation that you're expressing here. There I slipped it in! :))
JL
Posted by crazy teresa on August 28, 2005, at 14:55:27
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
It sucks to be at the bottom of a pit. I hope you are able to come out of it. Sometimes the climb is slow, but you can do it.
crazy t
Posted by snapper on August 28, 2005, at 22:01:07
In reply to Re: life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by crazy teresa on August 28, 2005, at 14:55:27
thanks everybody, ....true and real feelings and thoughts ...support and not just trite answers is what make PB a safe place.. even when those on the outside looking in...say stay away from sh*t like PB , cuz it will just cause me to dwell on my problems even more....yada, yada, ......... but I know it is safe here and I need the support. I gave a short go at Magnesium Taurate but was not faithful to continue cuz of problems with potential diareah(sp) . any way I am open and keep the hope, ideas and inspirations coming, I NEED THEM !!!!!!!! I LITERALLY FELT LIKE GIVING UP 10 YEARS AGO....Yet here I still am. Struggling, hoping , wishing, praying, beleiving, not-believing(if you know what I mean) etc ..... there has just got to be more to this life than this :(((
I am trying !!!Thanks again
SNAPPER
sorry about caps!
Posted by crazy teresa on August 29, 2005, at 10:11:50
In reply to Re: life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!! » crazy teresa, posted by snapper on August 28, 2005, at 22:01:07
The belief that there has to be more to life than this (even if it's not until heaven) is what keeps me from giving up.
Posted by lynn970 on August 29, 2005, at 12:41:29
In reply to Re: life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!! » crazy teresa, posted by snapper on August 28, 2005, at 22:01:07
Snapper, It is good to see that you are feeling better.
I am a christian and I know that God meets us where we are. I totally sympathize with you. I do not judge you. I have been mad at God before too. I have been around long enough to know that He is faithful, and He will do what He said He will do in His Word.
Posted by muffled on September 9, 2005, at 15:07:04
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
> I don’t understand a lot of things….. I am sad and lonely and depressed and suicidal thought oriented, but I don’t want to die I just want peace…. I have drank , gambled and pissed away as much money as a lot of people make in a lifetime… I am a guy that hurts and don’t understand all the reasons that I M HURT and feel in-significant, worthless, void and angry, but goddamn it I hurt And I feel like self destructing,, valium and klonopin and tri-leptal and ever other mother f*cking goddamn drug I have been given and or prescribed should certainly do the f*cking trick….. What if I fail and end up living as a f*cking vegetable and a burden to a hospital staff or my family or anybody that would happen to give a f*ck about me> I am sorry ….yes there are undertones of self loathing and some self pity here …but I just do not know after everyone has told me that Jesus is the answer… I don’t fully get it… what the f*ck is he doing in my life other than allowing me to be “forgiven” for the f*cking sins that I have committed against his Father … Our God who sent himself in his form of us…the image of man to forgive us for our sins against him … the same dude that created us and I did not even ask to be f*cking created……. I am supposed to worship him and believe that there is a hope AND a future for my life when all I have seen for half or more of my life is loneliness, agony, addiction, strife, rage, dis-appointment,rejection, mental fuckededness, addictions, temptations, and all the other f*cking b*llshit that goes along w/living this god-damn f*cking miserable life of depression, severe anxiety, loneliness ,emptiness weather I try to him or god or ask and claim my healing. In Jesus’ name… I am sick of living the hope the dream the victory that the bible he promises he claims in the Bible. A hope for the future … one of good things and not bad…. If I had the guts and a gun and it would not F*CK up the people who love me and my friends lives to the point of their own demise of ultimate suicide…etc. I would do it but all I know that this life is b*llshit and I wish god would show me, heal me or kill me…GOD-DAMN IT I DID NOT ASK TO BE F*CKING BORN INTO THIS F*CKING LIFE…………… At a time in my early years, I used to or at least thought I used to love this life… I have experienced soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much rejection and dis-appointment that I just don’t give a mother f*cking sh*t any more … but yet I go on and hope and pray and take action that If I believe right and trust and surrender it all to Jesus and God that I will find true healing .. Right now…. I am sorry but I feel like it is one big GOD_Damn joke and experiment on His behalf…. What I am supposed to do. I do not write this to be blasphemous or otherwise but if I can’t write and experience and say what I feel and think to a God who is and has been and always will, be and he can or cant handle it… then f*ck him.. Sorry I was f*cked from the f*cking beginning. If I did know better (?) I would down all the god-damn meds and the fith of scotch I have and say good bye …but for some f*cked up reason I still feel like this life is worth living and re-pairing …but My god it is agony and f*cking hard…
> This it for now!
> Clint Carle
>Man, been there. I'm like you too. But isn't it sort of weird that we are still here? That we haven't at some point actually killed ourselves? I've come so close to it. All I can figure is that SOMEthing keeps me alive. Maybe its God and all this sh*t is Him making me what He wants me to be, so He can use me more for His purposes in the future. I don't think anyone can understand our pain unless they've BEEN there. I'm hoping I can get my sh*t together and help others. I hope thats what this is all about anyways.
Posted by lynn970 on September 9, 2005, at 16:39:25
In reply to Re: life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!! » snapper, posted by muffled on September 9, 2005, at 15:07:04
>Man, been there. I'm like you too. But isn't it sort of weird that we are still here? That we haven't at some point actually killed ourselves? I've come so close to it. All I can figure is that SOMEthing keeps me alive. Maybe its God and all this sh*t is Him making me what He wants me to be, so He can use me more for His purposes in the future. I don't think anyone can understand our pain unless they've BEEN there. I'm hoping I can get my sh*t together and help others. I hope thats what this is all about anyways.
I have been there too. But God is faithful. He has never let me down. When think He has let me down, hindsight proves me wrong. Why do I have depression? Well I know that He is a good God. It is His will that I be totally set free from this. I know this, I have gotten much better.Hang in there. You will get it together. If you dont mind, I will pray for you. He loves you and Racer so much. You are here for a reason.
Cling to Him, He will show you Great and Mighty thing.
Luv ya,
Lynn
Posted by lynn970 on September 9, 2005, at 16:41:12
In reply to Re: life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by lynn970 on September 9, 2005, at 16:39:25
Although I know that God loves Racer, I meant to say Snapper.
>He loves you and Racer so much. You are here for a reason.
Posted by muffled on September 9, 2005, at 18:14:29
In reply to Re: life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by lynn970 on September 9, 2005, at 16:39:25
This is the end of the thread.
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