Posted by muffled on September 9, 2005, at 15:07:04
In reply to life is f*cked up (poss trigger ) p B civil!!!, posted by snapper on August 26, 2005, at 1:55:49
> I don’t understand a lot of things….. I am sad and lonely and depressed and suicidal thought oriented, but I don’t want to die I just want peace…. I have drank , gambled and pissed away as much money as a lot of people make in a lifetime… I am a guy that hurts and don’t understand all the reasons that I M HURT and feel in-significant, worthless, void and angry, but goddamn it I hurt And I feel like self destructing,, valium and klonopin and tri-leptal and ever other mother f*cking goddamn drug I have been given and or prescribed should certainly do the f*cking trick….. What if I fail and end up living as a f*cking vegetable and a burden to a hospital staff or my family or anybody that would happen to give a f*ck about me> I am sorry ….yes there are undertones of self loathing and some self pity here …but I just do not know after everyone has told me that Jesus is the answer… I don’t fully get it… what the f*ck is he doing in my life other than allowing me to be “forgiven” for the f*cking sins that I have committed against his Father … Our God who sent himself in his form of us…the image of man to forgive us for our sins against him … the same dude that created us and I did not even ask to be f*cking created……. I am supposed to worship him and believe that there is a hope AND a future for my life when all I have seen for half or more of my life is loneliness, agony, addiction, strife, rage, dis-appointment,rejection, mental fuckededness, addictions, temptations, and all the other f*cking b*llshit that goes along w/living this god-damn f*cking miserable life of depression, severe anxiety, loneliness ,emptiness weather I try to him or god or ask and claim my healing. In Jesus’ name… I am sick of living the hope the dream the victory that the bible he promises he claims in the Bible. A hope for the future … one of good things and not bad…. If I had the guts and a gun and it would not F*CK up the people who love me and my friends lives to the point of their own demise of ultimate suicide…etc. I would do it but all I know that this life is b*llshit and I wish god would show me, heal me or kill me…GOD-DAMN IT I DID NOT ASK TO BE F*CKING BORN INTO THIS F*CKING LIFE…………… At a time in my early years, I used to or at least thought I used to love this life… I have experienced soooooooooooooooooooooooooo much rejection and dis-appointment that I just don’t give a mother f*cking sh*t any more … but yet I go on and hope and pray and take action that If I believe right and trust and surrender it all to Jesus and God that I will find true healing .. Right now…. I am sorry but I feel like it is one big GOD_Damn joke and experiment on His behalf…. What I am supposed to do. I do not write this to be blasphemous or otherwise but if I can’t write and experience and say what I feel and think to a God who is and has been and always will, be and he can or cant handle it… then f*ck him.. Sorry I was f*cked from the f*cking beginning. If I did know better (?) I would down all the god-damn meds and the fith of scotch I have and say good bye …but for some f*cked up reason I still feel like this life is worth living and re-pairing …but My god it is agony and f*cking hard…
> This it for now!
> Clint Carle
>Man, been there. I'm like you too. But isn't it sort of weird that we are still here? That we haven't at some point actually killed ourselves? I've come so close to it. All I can figure is that SOMEthing keeps me alive. Maybe its God and all this sh*t is Him making me what He wants me to be, so He can use me more for His purposes in the future. I don't think anyone can understand our pain unless they've BEEN there. I'm hoping I can get my sh*t together and help others. I hope thats what this is all about anyways.
poster:muffled
thread:546816
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faith/20050811/msgs/552775.html