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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by temmie on August 27, 2003, at 17:54:15
I am feeling better these days .... Not sure what happened, other than to say -- all your prayers must surely have done the trick! Re. Paul ... we continue to talk, and I'm at peace with letting things rest as they are. I've told him I love his soul/hate his disease (not in those terms), but also said that there's no future for us -- at all -- until he's clean and sober ... And so far as that is concerned, until (at least) another year or so down the road. I'm not moving. I've got my stuff to take care of. He's got his.
Other than that? I'm at peace. I've met a couple of men through personal ads, and heard from a few more, as well. Nothing has clicked (although I've certainly learned a lot about what I'm NOT looking for). Truth is, I'm not looking for anything at all -- romance, companionship -- whatever! I'm just happy to be feeling more (forgive the redundancy) at-peace, and believe me -- it's going to take every ounce of available energy and focus to do a good job as both a teacher and a grad student this fall.
Finances continue to be lousy. My debt far exceeds my annual income (ouch!), but my graduate advisor has said there may be a fulltime opening for me (somewhere, I haven't heard where) as an ESL teacher -- and that sounds promising to me!
Jared is off to school in California, currently on an orientation adventure in the High Sierras. Did I mention finding a water bottle of vodka in his backpack? THAT was a bit of a low. I've let it go, though, as best as I'm able. He's a smart kid, has done well for himself, and will suffer through mistakes (and their consequences) on his own. Hopefully, I've assisted in -- well -- whatever it is that parents do in helping to provide a good framework for life's ups and downs.
I keep him in my prayers, of course, while trying to protect myself at the same time from the guilt trips his dad is laying on me for not being a better mother. Honestly! From nowhere man. Nowhere dad.
Yes, I could have taken the booze away, and poured it out. I just didn't feel that was my role.
Oh well.
That's about all.
My classroom is about ready to go. I'm meeting with parents and starting to look over curriculum. Good Heavens, I'm starting to bore myself here!
Just wanted to thank you all -- every last one of you -- for your prayers, suggestions, well-wishes, and other such unknown acts of love and kindness.
Embracing you all with Love and Light,
Temmie
Posted by lil' jimi on August 27, 2003, at 18:50:22
In reply to Feeling Better/Thanks All 4 Your Prayers!, posted by temmie on August 27, 2003, at 17:54:15
hey Temmster!
you sound great !
what an encouraging post, sweet heart!
... ... and ... ... !!!!!!!
it's wonderful to hear from you ....
!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! ! !!!
oh, and, Hello!~ jim
Posted by Temmie on August 27, 2003, at 19:23:36
In reply to re: Feeling Better: : great !, posted by lil' jimi on August 27, 2003, at 18:50:22
Oh Dear.
I WAS feeling better until picking up a few things in Jared's room, and finding an "I can't believe it's over" letter he'd written to his girlfriend. He talks about never believing, never knowing he would find happiness .... And, coupled with other things said, I wonder how he's going to do so far from everything he's ever known ... (maybe, with me out of his life, just great!) ... and separated from the only one who, according to what he's said, ever brought him any joy.
I don't know when the distance began. When I first felt the shift from his loving me ... to feeling he was disgusted with me. His dad was disgusted with me, too, after telling him that I'd shared with Jared the story of Paul's substance abuse.
"How's he supposed to look up to you, or know what kind of choices to make in life, when you're modeling such a poor example? He needs stability in his life, and a mother to look up to .... You should have poured the booze out, or taken it away. What kind of mother are you? He needs to get into counseling, right away .... I'm going to have to fly out and straighten him out ... march him right over to the counseling center in student health services ...."
Rapid fire .... I've gone from feeling elated ... to heartbroken. What's THAT all about? Am I bipolar? Can people cycle between mood extremes that fast? I just took a Xanax to calm down ....
:-(
I should have gone home and prayed, as I'd planned to do when writing from the library. I guess I'll be busy with that tonight.
Thanks for listening,
Temmie
Posted by Temmie on August 27, 2003, at 19:27:24
In reply to re: Feeling Better: : great !, posted by lil' jimi on August 27, 2003, at 18:50:22
I meant to say thank you ....
Thank you.
The post above was just a general "to anyone" entry for whomever is following the crazy ups and downs of my saga.
I'm going upstairs to talk to Manjushri ... and Jesus. How can things go too far astray with such loving, benevolent beings watching over us?
Temmie
Posted by Tabitha on August 27, 2003, at 22:30:46
In reply to Feeling Better/Thanks All 4 Your Prayers!, posted by temmie on August 27, 2003, at 17:54:15
Glad to hear it, Temmie. Even if the conflict with your son's dad got you down, that doesn't take away the clarity and peace you felt earlier. It sounds like a real milestone.
Posted by Temmie on August 27, 2003, at 23:52:52
In reply to Re: Feeling Better/Thanks All 4 Your Prayers!, posted by Tabitha on August 27, 2003, at 22:30:46
Thank you, Sweetie. I just wrote Jared a LONG email. I hope it wasn't too sappy. Should I post it here for feedback? Gasp! This is crazy, living private lives so publicly -- but thank God (and thanks again to you, Dr. Bob) that we have this forum for sharing, supporting and encouraging one another.
I feel better .... And I'm greately cheered by your note. You're a sweetie, Tabitha!
Much love, Temmie
Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 7:52:50
In reply to Re: Feeling Better/Thanks All 4 Your Prayers!, posted by Tabitha on August 27, 2003, at 22:30:46
My apologies if this doesn't belong in Psycho-Babble Faith .... I hope this is okay!
* * * * *
Wow. That was a weird dream. The house began to shake. I realized it was an earthquake. We had a house full of people, some kind of family party, and I began to yell at everyone to "stand in a door well." The shaking went on for what seemed several minutes. Way more than two or three. At one point I tried to walk away from the corner I was in, and I was thrown to the floor. Then I was rolled, hard, from one wall to the next. I kept waiting for the splintering of wood and brick, but it never came. Finally, when the rough shaking diminished to more manageable "waves," I took a look out one of the windows. The whole house was moving to the east. There went our driveway. There went our neighbors. There went the neighborhood.I made my way to the front room, and somehow the house looked like a command ship. There were huge thigh-to-ceiling windows looking out over the view (which we don't have in our "real" home). My mom and dad and Aunt Florence were up there ... and lots of things were going on.
Somehow I'd met two of my brother's friends, who were brothers, and both interested in me. (!) The younger one ... I can't remember what he did. The older one was a pharmaceutical rep. They were both so sweet. Such sweet guys. And my bedroom had been transformed. Someone had come over and changed the walls and floor space, put bunk beds in for all the kids in the house, and the floor was a mess with wet towels, dirty clothes, spilled Kool-Aid, and a scattering of toys. I was looking for something to wear. Apparently I'd just come from the shower and was wrapped in nothing but a towel, but all my clothes were gone. Everything! All I needed was a pair of jeans and a t-shirt -- but every hanger, with every shirt and top -- was gone. I was so irritated.
A family friend stepped in to give me a t-shirt. It had some goofy plastic sort of picture on the front, so I put it on inside out. Seemed to work out okay. And somehow I found jeans, as well.
Jared was drunk. He was doing cartwheels and acting silly in the living room. He's since gone to bed, in fact, I tried to wake him and tell him the house was moving, at one point, but he was too drunk to rouse.
I made my way back to the front room -- and at different points -- my body lifted off the ground and began to fly. "I'm going to start flying now," I said, as family looked on in amazement. I floated through the air -- nothing great -- no Superman swirls and dives -- it was more of a clumsy, slow-motion series of cartwheels to start. Then I told my family, "It's aliens."
We looked out the front window and saw a small tank -- flying through the air -- as was our house -- covered with a brown tarp, to look inconspicuous (when it had been on the ground). Then, a man stood up, aimed a sub-machine gun sort of automatic weapon at the house, and began firing. I couldn't understand why they'd go through so much trouble to take the whole house, with everyone in it, and then try to kill us. "Hit the floor!" I yelled. We all lay as flat as we could, and I could feel the bullets pass overhead, and to the right of me -- as disturbances in the air -- puffs of air, but I felt no bullets, and there was no apparant damage to the structure. No one was hurt.
We were flying through the air at this point to some other land. Eventually we came to a stop, and people from within the house began to converse with those outside. There was much excitement. The people in the "new" land were friendly and affectionate. This is a bit confusing, but I guess it was at this point that I was struggling to find clothes.
Oh, and there had been an earlier point when I'd gone outside to look at Mars and fallen asleep at the end of the driveway. I awoke to a telephone call -- on conference -- in which one of the brothers I mentioned earlier, talked with a friend about meeting someone (me), and how he'd fallen in love. He had to get his life together, ship-shape, because he wanted to marry me, and move me into a new home ....
When we finally stopped again, me dressed, at last -- the doors opened -- like an acordian, or a giant bus doorway, and people began to fight to get "on board." A skinny woman of color, with missing teeth (looking like one of the crack addicts I met when Paul was here and staying at "the Crack-Den Hotel") wanted to come in to take our phone, and I wouldn't let her. She had four or five children who all scrambled aboard, and I pulled them off one-by-one, and put them back on the ground outside. An argument ensued that I was refusing them entrance because of their color .... Was I? This "new" place we'd landed was violent, scary, and dark. We got the doors closed again, and soon after this I woke up.
There was a point, though, when the "younger brother" gave me some stones he'd carried in his pocket as a sort of "good luck charm" before my heading out one of the side doors. I was so excited, and thanked him profusely. I've done some energy work with different stones ... and was very excited to have elements of nature ... and earth ... in my pocket. What a sweetie he was.
How blessed I was to have two men who loved and wanted me so. That was confusing. Not at all familiar, as I've entered into these "middle years" of life ... but sweet.
* * * * *
Temmie
Posted by Dena on August 28, 2003, at 10:07:15
In reply to Can I Add Something About a Dream?, posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 7:52:50
Wow Temmie - what a dream! I've had similar sorts of dreams - very involved & active - they continued to affect me long after I'd awakened. I wish I had some wisdom, or an interpretation, for you, but I've got nada.
Regarding your ups & downs of late...
I heard a message while walking this morning (through the headphones of my radio - not from voices in my head - lol!) about how God wants to help us to move steadily through this world, grounded in Him, regardless of the circumstances which whirl around us.
It was encouraging to me, as I've been noticing how I've been able to get through this recent grief, as if riding in a bubble of joy. Not happiness about the things which cause pain, not glad for the loss, but joy that's lifted me up as if bouyant, in spite of the pain & loss.
I would wish this same bouyancy for you, Temmie, that you would feel simultaneously grounded in Him & yet floating above it all, secure in His love for you, strong in the belief that He's got it all under His control, & resolute in your trust that He knows what is ultimately best for you, for Jared, for Paul, for everyone.
Throw away that inside-out t-shirt, put on your prettiest "floaty" skirt, put some fresh flowers in your hair... & dance!
Shalom, Dena
Posted by Temmie on August 28, 2003, at 10:44:56
In reply to Re: Can I Add Something About a Dream? » Temmie, posted by Dena on August 28, 2003, at 10:07:15
Thank you, Dena.
I feel so raw inside.
It's a beautiful day though. The sun is shining, and I'll make a promise now to get outside for a walk in the woods before I have to return to school for that (darn it) 3 p.m. conference. I want to feel God's cushion of love. How did you term it? His bouyant presence of goodness.
I'm having some worries/doubts about the letter I emailed to Jare last night, and because it doesn't really pertain to "faith" matters, I'm going to post it on Psycho-Social Babble. I have such worries, doubts and concerns about what I've done as a mother. :-(
Heaven help me ... and Heaven help me to accept the forgiveness that's already been given.
I love corresponding with you. Thank you and bless you for your kinds words, and your precious time.
Temmie
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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