![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 15:33:23
Today I feel gripped in terrible despair. I am still having nightmares about my linguistics exam; compounded now, by nightmares of returning to teaching. I have an interview for a job in a different school tomorrow, but the move is a lateral one, and requires careful addressing, not to mention careful analysis of what I might be leaving or getting myself into. Paul continues to call and tell me how much he loves me, and I hunger for the rest and security I feel in his arms, while simultaneously fearing for my life in realizations that moments "in his arms" include moments of his driving, with a beer in one hand, and God-knows-what in the other. Last night he talked of joining me in California to combine my duties seeing Jared off to school with a little vacation time. My mind is dizzy with the juxtaposition of two such events. Nights of passion, and the passion of saying farewell to my only child. I am also reeling in terrible despair about my financial situation, with family members having been treated inequitably in the recent distribution of funds (which benefited me and others, but not all). Despite the generosity of the gift, which I'm morally obligated to pass on to my son, I am in terrible debt with insufficient earnings ahead -- which requires taking out more loans .... And the matter of taking out new loans to pay-off old loans (coupled with the nightmares of scholastic failure and teaching inadequacies) ... has kept me in bed all day while reading, "The Jesus I Never Knew," and praying for His comfort and company.
I am afraid to go to a meeting tonight, because last Sunday the man I sat next to kind of came onto me. I am lonely and, in recent days, have been perusing the personals, just out of curiosity -- but I've seen noone who interests me (and quite a few who have shocked and appalled or and repulsed me). Clearly I am not ready for romance. I can't even get out of bed today, and back to bed is where I am headed.
Posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 16:56:33
In reply to Fear and Despair, posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 15:33:23
Well .... I've realized a couple of things. One, I may not be your "typical" drunk, but I'm certainly an emotional drunk in terms of the ups and downs, the comings and goings re. this thing with Paul.
Two. I believe Paul ... my relationship with Paul ... represents the outer manifestation of some difficulty (obviously) I have not been facing within. Maybe I love the way he holds and protects me. The way he makes me feel safe. That one could do this, incidentally, and be so troubled with lack of safety, security, and stability in their own lives is a bit befuddling .... But ... I guess I've just gotta look inward for that One who loves me, and that Only one with whom I will ever feel protected, loved and safe.
Three. I'm going to the meeting anyhow. If Mr. "Is this seat taken?" bothers me again, I'll be ready.
Posted by rayww on August 10, 2003, at 18:16:50
In reply to Working my Program, posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 16:56:33
Tabitha, I can tell you are a person full of passion for life; otherwise your's wouldn't be so full of exciting things. Your passions have turned to despair because of perhaps mis-management of the gifts you possess. The only antidote to despair and loneliness is as you so aptly described, Jesus Christ, that "One who loves me, and that Only one with whom I will ever feel protected, loved and safe."
It may not be easy to place that kind of trust in God, but the pay off (His Peace) will be worth it. He came, not to just save the world from sin, but lonliness, despair, grief, pain, and all suffering.
Faith, belief, and trust are the key elements. Expect set backs, but know that as soon as we begin again our resolve to do better in faith, miracles will happen.
I don't reveal my own bipolar setbacks here, but if it wasn't for my faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ, and my work to protect myself, I would swing into some pretty dangerous territory, even today.
I am unmedicated at the moment, and taking no supplements either, just trying to enjoy my garden, eating all the fresh, green, that I can. Actually, my garden and all the time it has taken this year, has been part of my antidote for the summer. Plus the many conversations with God I have while enjoying the association with my peas, beans, and getting rid of the weeds that grow there.
As I look back, with each fall into the bipolar cycle, I can associate a very possitive thing along with it that has helped keep me afloat till it passed. Holy crap, that's so true!
Posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 19:14:21
In reply to Re: Working my Program, posted by rayww on August 10, 2003, at 18:16:50
Thank you, Ray, it's Temmie here, not Tabitha (another beautiful soul). I want to thank you for writing .... It is so very helpful to have the support I've found here. I went to a meeting tonight .... I'm really working it -- in the sense of knowing I can control parts of my life, and at this point -- if that's just getting up and getting to a meeting, good.
I feel pretty sad that I've lost Mercury and probably others, who couldn't abide the great delays in coming my to awakening here ....
I called the friend Paul is staying with in NY on my way home and had a big discussion about his "using" again. Probably crack. Bottom line -- he's sick, and I'm sick for hanging on to him. I've simply got to cut loose -- which is what Mercury and others advised so long ago. Actually, it's only been days ... perhaps now weeks .... Whatever! I feel I'm progressing as fast as I can.
I really liked the piece I read today about being an emotional drunk. It helped me understand how and why I'd let this relationship make me feel my life had become so unmanageable ....
I am also grateful, of course, for Jesus Christ -- and anything that I do which helps me feel more open to His boundness compassion, wisdom and love. You might enjoy this book I keep referring to ("The Jesus I Never Knew") and/or perhaps you're more into things such as "The Urantia Book." Whatever. I'm just glad I've got powerful, loving, boundless-in-their-love beings to call upon -- and that includes the ministrations of Manjushri who has surely been kept busy with my recent pleas for help. (And who has also benefitted me in feeling more centered and at-peace.)
Let me be open, is all I ask. Let me be open to knowing and serving God, and putting God first, that the rest of my life might fall into place as it should.
I have a beautiful prayer I'll send at some point that helps with this wish ....
For now -- I am rambling, I know -- but rambling with great thanks for you (!!!), for your caring, your help, your advice, insights and assistance -- for your encouragement to carry on -- and the encouragement to turn inward.
Many blessings to you, the beans, peas, and other glorious greens of your summer bounty that have kept you balanced, whole and sane -- and which have also permitted you to be so giving and encouraging to others during troubled times. Temmie
Posted by rayww on August 11, 2003, at 11:03:47
In reply to Re: Working my Program » rayww, posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 19:14:21
There are zillions of books on religion and certainly not time to read them all, though wouldn't it be wonderful if we could? Thankyou for your direct suggestion. It helps to have someone recommend certain good books.
Thankfully one does not have to read every good book, or study every religion to gain a testimony of Jesus Christ. For instance, in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints there is only one book needed, and the rest are complimentary, supplemental, interesting and enlightening, but non essential etc. My attitude toward all this reading and researching is a little different from many here. "IF" the Book of Mormon is true, then the whole Mormon package is true along with it (including the Bible of course). There is no further debate. Either it is, or it isn't. Many take isolated bits and corrupt them, and then debate certain issues without the full understanding of the Book of Mormon behind it, and out of context these points sound ludicrous the way they are written in the anti mormon literature. but I hold to the iron rod of truth, try to stay on the straight and narrow path, and try to stay focused on Jesus Christ to keep the testimony fires burning.
That's my way, but probably not yours. If by me explaining how I do it is offensive to how you do research, I hope you don't feel put down by comparing my own inferrior way to yours, as it might be perceived.
I am going to follow through with your wonderful suggestion and read those two books because I have a keen interest in finding similarities in all religions that point to a universal beginning.
Thankyou again for your loving and kind response. It helps build, sustain, support on a day that feels like falling apart. Even writing to you like this helps mend the tears on today's page.
Posted by rayww on August 11, 2003, at 11:54:13
In reply to Re: Working my Program » rayww, posted by Temmie on August 10, 2003, at 19:14:21
> Let me be open, is all I ask. Let me be open to knowing and serving God, and putting God first, that the rest of my life might fall into place as it should.
>
> I have a beautiful prayer I'll send at some point that helps with this wish ....
>
> For now -- I am rambling, I know -- but rambling with great thanks for you (!!!), for your caring, your help, your advice, insights and assistance -- for your encouragement to carry on -- and the encouragement to turn inward.
>
> Many blessings to you, the beans, peas, and other glorious greens of your summer bounty that have kept you balanced, whole and sane -- and which have also permitted you to be so giving and encouraging to others during troubled times. Temmie
Please share your prayer when you feel up to it. I'm glad the meetings are helping. Is it true that a person never overcomes an emotional addiction, they only replace it with something else? If so, may you find excitement and passion in whatever healthy replacement you choose. And, me too.
Posted by Temmie on August 11, 2003, at 21:13:09
In reply to thankyou Temmie, posted by rayww on August 11, 2003, at 11:03:47
Hello Ray, hang in there, and I'll do the same. I am still on a bit of a roller-coaster with the "boyfriend using crack" thing. Am trying to detach, but it's easier said than done. In any event -- life goes on. Learning goes on. I don't quite understand the "method of research" you were talking about, but any research in examination of myth and meaning are good. Especially if they lead you to truth and stoke the inner fires. Just a cautionary note, "The Urantia Book" is a tome, and not an easy read. You might enjoy just the second part entitled, I believe, "The Life of Jesus." Not much else to report. I am prayerful and not quite hopeful ... too much despair to say hopeful, but I am prayerful, and that's not a bad thing. Wishing you well this evening, Temmie
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Faith | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.