![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Maxime on June 7, 2005, at 15:19:53
Hi. Well my self-esteem is nil right now. I have been posting on PB about my problems with my AD and then I realised "you idiot, you are barely taking in any calories!". DUH! I am sure that is why I am having strong side effects to my med.
I feel like I have wasted space on the board. I have taken up people's time. When it's really all my fault. I am to blame. Not the med or anything else.
I feel toxic. I don't deserve help. I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF. IT'S ME!
Worthless sh*t!
Maxime
Posted by Racer on June 7, 2005, at 23:01:07
In reply to I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 7, 2005, at 15:19:53
Maxi, you know that's not true. Any space you've taken on the meds board is only there because you've earned the respect and affection of so many people there. If they didn't think you were worth it, sweet, they wouldn't bother to post. You know that.
As for your intake, that's another story. Can you identify anything about what's stopping you from eating? Is there something that happens when it's time to eat? Or is this just "too depressed to remember?"
Be well, dear.
Posted by Maxime on June 9, 2005, at 17:47:58
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-(, posted by Racer on June 7, 2005, at 23:01:07
Racer, my intake is directly linked to the fact that I want all my extra off NOW. I can't handle my body anymore. I feel like I took much. I cringe when see what I look like. It's an effort to lose weight only it's not going very well. I can restrict no problem ... but the weight doesn't leave. I don't understand. What has changed? Two years ago it was working and now?
I really feel like I take up too much physical space. I truly feel worthless and unlovable. I am not just saying these things for attention. It is really how I feel about myself.
I hate me.
maxime
> Maxi, you know that's not true. Any space you've taken on the meds board is only there because you've earned the respect and affection of so many people there. If they didn't think you were worth it, sweet, they wouldn't bother to post. You know that.
>
> As for your intake, that's another story. Can you identify anything about what's stopping you from eating? Is there something that happens when it's time to eat? Or is this just "too depressed to remember?"
>
> Be well, dear.
Posted by Racer on June 9, 2005, at 23:13:44
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 9, 2005, at 17:47:58
> I really feel like I take up too much physical space. I truly feel worthless and unlovable. I am not just saying these things for attention. It is really how I feel about myself.
>
> I hate me.
>
> maximeMaxi, honey, I don't know what to say. You hate you, but I don't. I wish we could somehow trade off our outside views to each other, because I see a lot in you that I do like. And I'm not comfortable with my body at all these days, either.
I'm betting that your antidepressants aren't doing all that well right now? Or are they? What's up there? And did you see the neuroendocrinologist? What's the latest?
Honey, let's hang on together for a while, huh? If things still don't get better, maybe we can hold hands and jump off a bridge -- we've got a nice one over here. Hang on, and let's figure this out, 'K?
Posted by Maxime on June 10, 2005, at 12:05:22
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-(, posted by Racer on June 9, 2005, at 23:13:44
Hey Racer, actually my AD is helping and my depression has lifted quite a bit. I think I have gone as far as I can with an AD. I need therapy and need help with ED and that would help the remaining depresssion. I need a pill for self-esteem ... do you know where I can get one?
Sure, I am willing to do the bridge thing if we both can't hold on any longer. I would do it now if I could. :-(
Thanks for being here for me Racer. I'm here for you too, okay?
Hugs,
Maxime>
> Maxi, honey, I don't know what to say. You hate you, but I don't. I wish we could somehow trade off our outside views to each other, because I see a lot in you that I do like. And I'm not comfortable with my body at all these days, either.
>
> I'm betting that your antidepressants aren't doing all that well right now? Or are they? What's up there? And did you see the neuroendocrinologist? What's the latest?
>
> Honey, let's hang on together for a while, huh? If things still don't get better, maybe we can hold hands and jump off a bridge -- we've got a nice one over here. Hang on, and let's figure this out, 'K?
Posted by Maxime on June 14, 2005, at 13:57:47
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 10, 2005, at 12:05:22
Can we jump now Racer? What's our timeline on this?
I vote for now.Maxime
> Hey Racer, actually my AD is helping and my depression has lifted quite a bit. I think I have gone as far as I can with an AD. I need therapy and need help with ED and that would help the remaining depresssion. I need a pill for self-esteem ... do you know where I can get one?
>
> Sure, I am willing to do the bridge thing if we both can't hold on any longer. I would do it now if I could. :-(
>
> Thanks for being here for me Racer. I'm here for you too, okay?
>
> Hugs,
> Maxime
>
> >
> > Maxi, honey, I don't know what to say. You hate you, but I don't. I wish we could somehow trade off our outside views to each other, because I see a lot in you that I do like. And I'm not comfortable with my body at all these days, either.
> >
> > I'm betting that your antidepressants aren't doing all that well right now? Or are they? What's up there? And did you see the neuroendocrinologist? What's the latest?
> >
> > Honey, let's hang on together for a while, huh? If things still don't get better, maybe we can hold hands and jump off a bridge -- we've got a nice one over here. Hang on, and let's figure this out, 'K?
>
>
Posted by Racer on June 14, 2005, at 23:12:51
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 14, 2005, at 13:57:47
> Can we jump now Racer? What's our timeline on this?
> I vote for now.
>
> Maxime
>
>Nope. I still don't know you well enough. See, for something so intimate, I want to know you as well as I know my best friend. In fact, you might have to become my best friend. Let's work on that, and then we can pick a time.
What's your favorite color? Do you prefer mysteries, scifi, or romance? What's the geekiest thing about you? What's the weirdest thing about you?
My favorite color is usually green, but I"m finding myself drawn more and more to yellow and orange these days. I read both mysteries and scifi, but it goes in phases: I'll have a mystery phase, followed by a scifi jag. Mostly, I like science scifi, like Larry Niven, Greg Bear, etc, but I also like Orson Scott Card -- mostly. Dunno what to say is the geekiest thing about me, although I'm O/C enough that there's got to be something. The weirdest thing I can think of is that I'm totally phobic about bugs of any kind -- but also entirely fascintated by them. Just bought a book called "Journey to the Ants" about writing the book "The Ants" -- but only because I can't afford "The Ants" right now, so that's the next best thing...
Your turn, and let's take it to email, huh?
Posted by ed_uk on June 16, 2005, at 11:11:42
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 14, 2005, at 13:57:47
Dear Maxi,
>Can we jump now Racer? What's our timeline on this? I vote for now.
You can't jump until you've come to England and we've gone on that nice long walk in the countryside we were talking about. Ah yes, and we have go to France too :-)
Love,
Ed xxxx
Posted by Racer on June 16, 2005, at 12:03:46
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-( » Maxime, posted by ed_uk on June 16, 2005, at 11:11:42
ME?
I wanna come, too, but je ne parle pas francaise, so no France for me. Unless you can figure out a way to shut me up long enough for someone else to do the talking for me...
You're right, though. Maxime and I really shouldn't think about meeting up at the bridge until we do something wonderful, like meeting up with you -- and SLS, because he's my hero most days -- or just enjoying a single day, for no special reason.
You're a good man, Ed. Thank you. Thank you for everything you do for the board, but especially thank you for caring so much about Maxime. She deserves it.
Posted by panthers!!! on June 16, 2005, at 14:02:37
In reply to I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 7, 2005, at 15:19:53
Hi. I saw your thread and I have to say that it is really too bad that you have such negative thoughts and opinions of yourself.
If you look at your thread, notice how many times you use words to describe yourself that you probably would be angry if someone else called you. "idiot, worthless ****, I don't deserve, and so on...
In order to help yourself, you must acknowledge that you are human. Human means that no matter what setbacks you face or triumphs you accomplish, you are unique and alive. You are here for a purpose, sometimes it may not be known what that may be just yet, but we all do!
We all have all sorts of problems, crises, mistakes...some of the time.
We all also have all sorts of joy, happiness, achievements...the rest of the time.
You absolutely need to really understand who you are, how far you have come, and how you are your first priority! You will always be with you and you need to realize that all of these horrible words you use to describe yourself and your situation is actually going to keep you feeling down. It is easier to stay in pain that we are familiar with because we already know what to expect from it. To actually make yourself aware of what is causing your pain, sadness, etc. and then take ACTION to get out of this pain if you do not want to really be in this pain, is the most rewarding and exhilirating experience you will ever EVER know.
Split a piece of paper into 4 columns.
COLUMN 1: Write down a list of all of your reasons you feel you have no self-esteem.List everything you think is an issue that is stopping you from being the person you want to be.
COLUMN 2: Write down ALL of the negative or bashing words you say to yourself day after day after day to describe yourself and/or your circumstances, such as "idiot".
COLUMN 3: Write down ALL of the words that are the exact opposite of the 2nd column.
COLUMN 4: Write down all you want to accomplish and/or have accomplished. Even the small things. (Finished a course in school, sporting event, baby, wedding, jobs, etc.) EVERYTHING!Now, from now on, column 1 and 2 are not allowed anymore. When you find yourself says nasty names to yourself, find it in your "old me" list, and look for its opposite.
Go look at yourself in the mirror and say the "New Me" word you found in the list.
Practice this every day and you will begin to feel like your stepping closer to being the real you...
Every time you feel you are going to blame yourself or low self- esteem on an issue or challenge, you will look at column 4 and remind yourself of an accomplishment or a goal you are GOING to set.
When you meet or exceed your goals, write them down. The more you have done, write it down on your list. Write down the day you stop saying damaging things to yourself! That is a real accomplishment!
I assure you if you are honestly doing this, you will absolutely have a whole new outlook sooner than you think!
YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE! LIFE IS WONDERFUL! There may be some rocky roads, steep hills, but there are also beautiful mountaintops and blue skies all for YOU!
Posted by ed_uk on June 17, 2005, at 17:37:12
In reply to What about... » ed_uk, posted by Racer on June 16, 2005, at 12:03:46
Hi Racer!
>What about me?
You're invited of course!!!! It would be great to meet you :-)
>je ne parle pas francaise
Me neither :-O
>SLS, because he's my hero most days.......
He's great :-) Have you seen his website...
http://home.att.net/~sl.schofield/
>thank you for caring so much about Maxime.....
Yes, I do care about Maxi very much :-) ........and so do you.
Love,
Ed.
Posted by ed_uk on June 17, 2005, at 17:38:33
In reply to What about... » ed_uk, posted by Racer on June 16, 2005, at 12:03:46
PS. Thank you for your lovely post :-)
Posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 13:16:32
In reply to Re: I feel toxic :-( » Maxime, posted by panthers!!! on June 16, 2005, at 14:02:37
HI. Thanks for the suggestion. I have tried that exercise before. I do a lot of CBT on my own because I have no money to see a therapist.
You wrote " We all have all sorts of problems, crises, mistakes...some of the time"
Well for me it's ALL of the time. And it's too much.
But thanks again. I appreciate your effort.
Maxime
> Hi. I saw your thread and I have to say that it is really too bad that you have such negative thoughts and opinions of yourself.
> If you look at your thread, notice how many times you use words to describe yourself that you probably would be angry if someone else called you. "idiot, worthless ****, I don't deserve, and so on...
> In order to help yourself, you must acknowledge that you are human. Human means that no matter what setbacks you face or triumphs you accomplish, you are unique and alive. You are here for a purpose, sometimes it may not be known what that may be just yet, but we all do!
> We all have all sorts of problems, crises, mistakes...some of the time.
> We all also have all sorts of joy, happiness, achievements...the rest of the time.
> You absolutely need to really understand who you are, how far you have come, and how you are your first priority! You will always be with you and you need to realize that all of these horrible words you use to describe yourself and your situation is actually going to keep you feeling down. It is easier to stay in pain that we are familiar with because we already know what to expect from it. To actually make yourself aware of what is causing your pain, sadness, etc. and then take ACTION to get out of this pain if you do not want to really be in this pain, is the most rewarding and exhilirating experience you will ever EVER know.
> Split a piece of paper into 4 columns.
> COLUMN 1: Write down a list of all of your reasons you feel you have no self-esteem.List everything you think is an issue that is stopping you from being the person you want to be.
> COLUMN 2: Write down ALL of the negative or bashing words you say to yourself day after day after day to describe yourself and/or your circumstances, such as "idiot".
> COLUMN 3: Write down ALL of the words that are the exact opposite of the 2nd column.
> COLUMN 4: Write down all you want to accomplish and/or have accomplished. Even the small things. (Finished a course in school, sporting event, baby, wedding, jobs, etc.) EVERYTHING!
>
> Now, from now on, column 1 and 2 are not allowed anymore. When you find yourself says nasty names to yourself, find it in your "old me" list, and look for its opposite.
> Go look at yourself in the mirror and say the "New Me" word you found in the list.
> Practice this every day and you will begin to feel like your stepping closer to being the real you...
> Every time you feel you are going to blame yourself or low self- esteem on an issue or challenge, you will look at column 4 and remind yourself of an accomplishment or a goal you are GOING to set.
> When you meet or exceed your goals, write them down. The more you have done, write it down on your list. Write down the day you stop saying damaging things to yourself! That is a real accomplishment!
> I assure you if you are honestly doing this, you will absolutely have a whole new outlook sooner than you think!
> YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR LIFE! LIFE IS WONDERFUL! There may be some rocky roads, steep hills, but there are also beautiful mountaintops and blue skies all for YOU!
>
Posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 13:19:12
In reply to Re: What about... » Racer, posted by ed_uk on June 17, 2005, at 17:37:12
I'm lucky. I have TWO people who care about me. :)
If we go to France I have the French part covered. But I have no money or job, so I have no way to get there.
Thanks guys.
Maxime
> Hi Racer!
>
> >What about me?
>
> You're invited of course!!!! It would be great to meet you :-)
>
> >je ne parle pas francaise
>
> Me neither :-O
>
> >SLS, because he's my hero most days.......
>
> He's great :-) Have you seen his website...
>
> http://home.att.net/~sl.schofield/
>
> >thank you for caring so much about Maxime.....
>
> Yes, I do care about Maxi very much :-) ........and so do you.
>
> Love,
> Ed.
Posted by Racer on June 20, 2005, at 18:02:23
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 13:19:12
> If we go to France I have the French part covered. But I have no money or job, so I have no way to get there.If you've got roller skates, we can cut leg holes in the bottom of our big suitcase...
>
> Thanks guys.
>
> Maxime
>It's nice to be thanked, but we're here because we care about you, not because we want to be thanked. Just keep that in mind when you're feeling down.
Here's another thought for you:
You know that Ed and I are both above average people, right? Very smart, very knowledgeable, I'm an attractive woman and assume that Ed is attractive, too. We both have good qualities that make us pretty special, right? And I know that you like and respect us as we like and respect you, right? With all that, do you ever wonder why we like you? Do you ever think about what qualities you have that have led us to feel this affection for you? Maybe if you could think about what it is about you that has taught us to like you, you might find more to like about yourself. Think it might help?
Regardless of whether or not you ever figure it out, though, I still like you. You're still my cyberfriend, and I still care about you.
Posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 21:58:01
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Racer on June 20, 2005, at 18:02:23
I am too fat to fit into a suitcase. Spillage. Too much of me. Ugh. Yuck!
Ma xime
> > If we go to France I have the French part covered. But I have no money or job, so I have no way to get there.
>
> If you've got roller skates, we can cut leg holes in the bottom of our big suitcase...
>
> >
> > Thanks guys.
> >
> > Maxime
> >
>
> It's nice to be thanked, but we're here because we care about you, not because we want to be thanked. Just keep that in mind when you're feeling down.
>
> Here's another thought for you:
>
> You know that Ed and I are both above average people, right? Very smart, very knowledgeable, I'm an attractive woman and assume that Ed is attractive, too. We both have good qualities that make us pretty special, right? And I know that you like and respect us as we like and respect you, right? With all that, do you ever wonder why we like you? Do you ever think about what qualities you have that have led us to feel this affection for you? Maybe if you could think about what it is about you that has taught us to like you, you might find more to like about yourself. Think it might help?
>
> Regardless of whether or not you ever figure it out, though, I still like you. You're still my cyberfriend, and I still care about you.
Posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 22:02:23
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Racer on June 20, 2005, at 18:02:23
Sorry, I just saw the part below. I can vouch that Ed is attractive.
Actually whenever someone is kind to me, I always wonder "why" and I come up blank. My next thought is that I don't deserve it.
Maybe I need to think harder?
Maxime
>
> Here's another thought for you:
>
> You know that Ed and I are both above average people, right? Very smart, very knowledgeable, I'm an attractive woman and assume that Ed is attractive, too. We both have good qualities that make us pretty special, right? And I know that you like and respect us as we like and respect you, right? With all that, do you ever wonder why we like you? Do you ever think about what qualities you have that have led us to feel this affection for you? Maybe if you could think about what it is about you that has taught us to like you, you might find more to like about yourself. Think it might help?
>
> Regardless of whether or not you ever figure it out, though, I still like you. You're still my cyberfriend, and I still care about you.
Posted by Racer on June 21, 2005, at 0:37:35
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 22:02:23
> Sorry, I just saw the part below. I can vouch that Ed is attractive.
>I don't know what he looks like, but I know he's attractive. Nice to have it confirmed. :-D
> Actually whenever someone is kind to me, I always wonder "why" and I come up blank. My next thought is that I don't deserve it.
>I've gone through periods in my life when I felt that way, too. My own personal favorite was usually, "Oh, here's someone who likes to take up strays, and figures I'm so entirely screwed up that he/she can get karma points for being nice to me..." These days, though, I don't have as much of that. Still have a hell of a lot of that whole, "I am afraid no one will like me" but none of the "this person is only being nice to me because I'm pathetic or to lure me into a feeling of false security..."
I only tell you that as proof that you can get past that feeling, sweet Maxime.
> Maybe I need to think harder?
>
> Maxime
>Damn straight you gotta think harder. I don't like people for no reason, you know. And trust me: I don't suffer fools gladly. (Get in a lot of trouble for that one, you can imagine.)
I wish I could offer something that would help, but best I can do is what you're getting. My thoughts, my affection. I hope they help.
Posted by ed_uk on June 21, 2005, at 9:22:03
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 13:19:12
Hi Maxi,
>no money
Me neither :-( It was a fun thought though :-D
Love,
Ed xx
Posted by ed_uk on June 21, 2005, at 9:23:04
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Racer on June 20, 2005, at 18:02:23
Hi Racer!
>assume that Ed is attractive.......
Hehe, why do you assume that???
Ed xx
Posted by ed_uk on June 21, 2005, at 9:25:36
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Maxime on June 20, 2005, at 22:02:23
Hi Maxi,
>I can vouch that Ed is attractive.
Awww Maxi! Thank you, that was sweet :-D
>Actually whenever someone is kind to me, I always wonder "why" and I come up blank. My next thought is that I don't deserve it.
>Maybe I need to think harder?You definitely need to think harder. You're the BEST Maxi, and very pretty too :-)
Love,
Ed xxxx
Posted by Maxime on June 21, 2005, at 15:08:28
In reply to Re: What about... » Maxime, posted by ed_uk on June 21, 2005, at 9:25:36
I'm not able to think straight right now ... my brain is mush.
Sigh.
Maxie
Posted by Racer on June 21, 2005, at 21:52:29
In reply to Re: What about..., posted by Maxime on June 21, 2005, at 15:08:28
This is to both of you, so that I only have to type once, 'K?
Ed, I assume you're attractive because you look pretty darn good from here. And because most of us here are attractive people. I don't know if you're aware of that, but it's true. You could look it up.
Maxime, so far, with a small sample size, it's unanimous: you need to think harder about why people like you, because people DO like you. Again, you could look it up.
And by the way, I'm gonna pout now, because you both know what the other looks like, and I don't. {sulk}
{pout}
Hope the start of summer helps, Maxime. I wish you felt better.
Posted by ed_uk on June 22, 2005, at 10:59:00
In reply to Maxime and Ed, posted by Racer on June 21, 2005, at 21:52:29
Hi Racer!
>Ed, I assume you're attractive because you look pretty darn good from here.
Thank you :-) So do you :-D
>And because most of us here are attractive people. I don't know if you're aware of that, but it's true. You could look it up.
Well.....I've got lots of pics of babblers and they're all attractive!
Kind regards
~Ed
Posted by heidiramma on August 12, 2005, at 12:47:02
In reply to I feel toxic :-(, posted by Maxime on June 7, 2005, at 15:19:53
I know how you must feel, and no, you haven't wasted anyone's space or time expressing what is your reality. I am in a similar situation and yet, still trying eventhough I know I am having great resposibilities in my bloody disorder's existance. Please have compassion for yourself and know that you are not alone, no a waste of time or energy. Hang in there, I wish I had more wisdom and inspiration to give you.
Heidiramma
This is the end of the thread.
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