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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
For those who have nothing, what keeps you going?
I'm 25, suffer from severe OCD, and am trapped at home with my parents - a mother who's an intolerable narcissist who won't give my suffering the basic attention it deserves, and a father who cares more about me leaving unwashed dishes in the sink than anything else that goes on in my life. My 18 year old brother bullies me, and when I don't shower him with attention, the best my mother can come up with is "why are you so miserable?" - this, despite writing her a letter several months ago detailing my OCD in all its horrific glory, and only because she was trying to force me to work while severely depressed. The thing is, painting them in that light makes them sound more cartoonishly sinister than they really are - they'll alternate their abuse with stretches of warmth, meaning that it takes on this really subtle, insidious quality (it took me years to finally cotton onto my mom's psychological abuse).
My career is over, before it even really began; the best I can hope for now is some crappy part-time job in a field I don't care about and well below my natural abilities. I have few friends, who have no idea what's going. I'm utterly dependent on people I hate.
I mean that question in all sincerity: what keeps you alive? 'cos from where I'm sitting, I see a total void up ahead.
Posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2011, at 9:40:14
In reply to what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
I guess I just always loved life. Want it to be same again Phillipa
Posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 10:26:39
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive? » g_g_g_unit, posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2011, at 9:40:14
sorry, I feel a little embarrassed about writing all that now, but I am sincerely interested in hearing people's replies because I don't feel like it's a question a mental health professional could help me answer, other than steering me towards the obvious (i.e. family, friends, both of which I'm mostly lacking as a source of emotional comfort).
Posted by Lepus on August 30, 2011, at 10:36:14
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 10:26:39
I just can't slam the door on Hope. Every day I wake up above ground is another day for it all to change.
There are things I want to do again, such as surf, ride my bicycle, laze about on the beach, etc.
I guess I can't believe those things are gone yet.
I also can't believe any hope for a career is gone either. I'm not sure which field you were hoping to enter but are you certain all hope is gone when you're only 25? People start new careers in their 40s and 50s. I wouldn't give up hope.
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on August 30, 2011, at 18:09:27
In reply to what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
To be honest, the main reason I havent ended it all was the guilt trip it would leave behind for my relatives...... its out of consideration for them that I havent taken an overdose by now.
When I was realy bad I reached the point of covertly obtaining 100 x 150mg tablets of Amitriptyline, so that I had a way out if I needed it.
Posted by sigismund on August 31, 2011, at 2:06:21
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by jono_in_adelaide on August 30, 2011, at 18:09:27
It isn't something rational, IMO.
If we were rational we might draw conclusions.......but fortunately we are not.
Posted by bleauberry on August 31, 2011, at 5:09:02
In reply to what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
Good question. What keeps me alive?
Some days I wonder how I stayed alive.
I think it has mostly to do with hope. Without hope, nothing else exists.
For me that hope comes from faith in the man spoken of in the Bible, Jesus. As God gave His people daily manna to eat, and it was rationed out daily, I also believe He does the same with hope and strength. I have felt it enough times to not doubt it.
The suffering is still there despite renewed hope. But at least the hope is the ingredient that keeps me alive. I remember back in my suicidal days, ambulance days, psych ward days, and ECT....the one thing missing in all those times was....hope. The only place I found it was in Jesus. Of course that was hard because I couldn't see Him or touch Him. Sort of like magnetism, electricity, heat, cell phone waves, ultraviolet waves.....we cannot sense that stuff is in the air, but it is. Same with the spiritual world. And that's why it is called faith. Jesus gives me hope. Prior to that all of my hope had been in the meds themselves, almost as if they were the Gods of my life. And as they failed one after another, no wonder there wasn't any hope They were the wrong Gods.
Posted by Zyprexa on September 2, 2011, at 6:22:50
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by bleauberry on August 31, 2011, at 5:09:02
My meds keep me alive. Zyprexa in particular. I also have a wonderfull family.
Posted by Chris O on September 2, 2011, at 17:00:55
In reply to what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
ggg unit:
Wow, all I can say is that I totally empathize and identify with your sense hopelessness and anger, especially "I'm utterly dependent on people I hate." Good lord, that describes my relationship with my mother (and father, to a degree) to a tee, especially when I was younger, but even now, at age 44, in my head. I also feel like my "career" never had a chance to start, as all of my perceptions are completely unreliable due to my massive anxiety disorder. I simply cannot see the world accurately, and it is not a matter of will for me. I am 44 and have tried every type of "will-based" therapy in the book and I am still a panic-filled mess. Anyway, what keeps me alive? That is a good question. I ask myself that question almost every day and night, sometimes screaming it to the void. One thing is California's native plant community, which I love and enjoy. I have developed a great appreciation for all the rare flora in this incredible state. Another thing is that, despite my anxiety disorder, I actually want to live. I like life and I just wish this haze of panic would leave me alone. I totally go down the void road all the time though. It's a battle. I'm still alive, so I guess I'm "winning," whatever that means.
Chris
Posted by clubfitter on September 3, 2011, at 16:40:47
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by Chris O on September 2, 2011, at 17:00:55
going to the gym, and fantasy football...honestly...otherwise my life has absolutely no purpose.
Posted by larryhoover on September 4, 2011, at 10:43:27
In reply to what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
I will reinforce the personal testimony of other posters to this thread. The answer is hope. I have never lost hope. Tomorrow is a new day, and my most difficult times have all been temporary. I cannot predict, and could never know just how long those times will last, but they always have a beginning and an end.
I'm currently doing comparatively well (with some wobbles), but three years ago was probably the worst I have ever been. Each time I find some improvement, I realize that it's because I've done all that I can do to nudge myself towards well-being. Sometimes it seems futile, but it never really is. I focus on the light at the end of the tunnel, not the darkness that serves as contrast to that light.
I hope I am heard in the sense in which I intend this, as advice.....one of the most important things I learned in therapy is the destructive effect of comparisons of myself to others (or to myself when I was well). It's inherent to mental illness that one is not at one's best. I am comforted by the voice of my true self, that every day, I am the best that I can be. I have voices in my head, especially my inner critic, that would jump at the chance to prove that statement wrong. But in my heart, I know the truth. Every day, I AM the best that I can be.
Lar
Posted by Phillipa on September 4, 2011, at 19:54:55
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive? » g_g_g_unit, posted by larryhoover on September 4, 2011, at 10:43:27
Lar great advise and wish you were my therapist as among your many talents add this to your resume!!!! Phillipa
Posted by g_g_g_unit on September 5, 2011, at 8:35:23
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive? » g_g_g_unit, posted by larryhoover on September 4, 2011, at 10:43:27
Thanks for all your responses and your willingness to open up on such a difficult issue. Likewise, it's hope that keeps me alive, but as I get older, I have to ask - hope for what? I know I'm only 25 (nearly 26), but I suffer from severe OCD, which obliterates any quality-of-life I might hope for, and am also lucky enough to have ADD. Underneath that, I know there's a gifted, interesting self with something to contribute, but I only got to see small flashes of that person before everything came crashing down at 22. As I spend more and more of my adult life 'sick', missing out on vital experiences (relationships, etc.), hope becomes more and more abstract because all I'm holding onto is that figurative possibility of something I saw in myself. Sometimes I think of myself in terms of a prisoner awaiting freedom from a long sentence, and gain strength from the thought of how unspeakably relieved I'd be when this nightmare is over, that maybe I could start again in my 30s, 40s, whatever .. but I admit that's a little tenuous ..
Posted by hyperfocus on September 7, 2011, at 16:36:27
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on September 5, 2011, at 8:35:23
I feel exactly the same way g_g_g; I feel like my life as a teenager and a young adult is gone because of severe social phobia and depression. But the truth is that what little I have, I'm grateful for. We have life, for one thing, which many have had taken away from them unjustly at a much earlier age.
It might sound cynical but if you take a look at what's happening with the famine in Somalia you will find your quality-of-life index needing re-calibration. Mental illness is horrible, but I never had to worry about starving to death in the desert, or watching my my children die with flies covering their faces, or getting shot or raped by some crazy militia. There's a whole enormous multitude of horrors on this earth that I've been spared, for which I'm very grateful for.
Like Lar said, it's not logical to compare yourself to other people. I mean you might see somebody who's rich and married and all that and think "Why can't I be like that?" But suppose that the guys is a selfish, mean, stupid jerk who does everything wicked he can't get caught with. Would you like to be him? Life is not about what you acquire, it's about what you do with what you've been granted. Everybody everywhere whether they're living on a million-dollar yacht or a shopping cart on the street has to do the exact same thing every day. For me I'd rather try to keep a good heart and try to be good with my actions than have anything else. We're not in control over our brain chemistry or upbringing or whatever. Whatever we've been given we have to make the best of it. There's billions of people on this earth who go to sleep hopeful that tomorrow or next week or next year things will be better, something about their life will change. And if it doesn't then they just make the best of what they have and keep going for one more day. So we're not in bad company I'd say.
Posted by Lamdage on September 10, 2011, at 1:16:36
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by Lepus on August 30, 2011, at 10:36:14
My initial trial of nardil that has showed me how awesomely beautiful life can be if you're free of depression, my plans (although at some moments i have no idea how to make them happen) and of course I'm hoping to achieve remission again.
Posted by Lamdage on September 10, 2011, at 1:18:54
In reply to Re: what keeps you alive?, posted by Lamdage on September 10, 2011, at 1:16:36
And friends of course.. its just due to my fear of rejection that leads difficulties to create and maintain good relationships i don't see many of them too often.
This is the end of the thread.
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