Posted by Chris O on September 2, 2011, at 17:00:55
In reply to what keeps you alive?, posted by g_g_g_unit on August 30, 2011, at 8:51:01
ggg unit:
Wow, all I can say is that I totally empathize and identify with your sense hopelessness and anger, especially "I'm utterly dependent on people I hate." Good lord, that describes my relationship with my mother (and father, to a degree) to a tee, especially when I was younger, but even now, at age 44, in my head. I also feel like my "career" never had a chance to start, as all of my perceptions are completely unreliable due to my massive anxiety disorder. I simply cannot see the world accurately, and it is not a matter of will for me. I am 44 and have tried every type of "will-based" therapy in the book and I am still a panic-filled mess. Anyway, what keeps me alive? That is a good question. I ask myself that question almost every day and night, sometimes screaming it to the void. One thing is California's native plant community, which I love and enjoy. I have developed a great appreciation for all the rare flora in this incredible state. Another thing is that, despite my anxiety disorder, I actually want to live. I like life and I just wish this haze of panic would leave me alone. I totally go down the void road all the time though. It's a battle. I'm still alive, so I guess I'm "winning," whatever that means.
Chris
poster:Chris O
thread:995246
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110902/msgs/995629.html