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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on August 25, 2011, at 16:02:32
i dont know where i'm at these days. this last week has been good for mood, though i dont particularly "feel" good, but my anxiety is through the roof. having to dope up on gabapentin.
i have anxiety, major fear and paranoia. having visual weirdness.i cancelled my friday pdoc appt.
cuz i dont know what to say to him.
hi..i'm fine i think?i dont feel anything. not happy, not sad. i dont even feel here.
********************
so a week or so ago i couldn't stop thinking about taking my life.
now...i dont care about anything.
scared of everything and everyone, paranoid and tired.what is this?
is this some bipolar dysphoric episode, is it just anxiety? am i reacting to cancelling my appt with pdoc?
could this all be psychological? and from what? what would cause all this?still taking reg meds
pristiq
perphenazine
adderall
and now taking gabapentin during day.b2c.
Posted by Phillipa on August 25, 2011, at 18:59:28
In reply to so what's going on now..., posted by B2chica on August 25, 2011, at 16:02:32
I feel that way a lot I attribute mine to anxiety? Who knows though? Phillipa
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on August 26, 2011, at 0:08:30
In reply to so what's going on now..., posted by B2chica on August 25, 2011, at 16:02:32
Maybe its time for a different anti anxiety med, for example a benzodiazepine such as Valium or Klonopin?
I know these can be habit forming, but if anxiety is ruining your life, they are probably worth a try.
Non habit forming options would include Atarax, Buspar or Remeron
Posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 1:07:22
In reply to so what's going on now..., posted by B2chica on August 25, 2011, at 16:02:32
B2c,
Maybe a few things, meds, moods, psychology combined?
I am not sure why your anxiety has spiked :-/ , the extra gabapentin is new, yes? You posted that your mood had declined last week or the week before, and wondering recently about seasonal effects I recall. Plus you've had some situational stressors.
Do your moods cycle?Sending good thoughts your way.
Posted by Christ_empowered on August 26, 2011, at 2:11:23
In reply to Re: so what's going on now... » B2chica, posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 1:07:22
I don't really have much medication advice. Maybe switch to a benzo or Lyrica?
I just wish you well. Can you do talk therapy? Maybe explore your spirituality? Try supplements? A combination of things? Even group therapy can be helpful, although I sometimes find those sessions awkward.
Posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 8:08:11
In reply to Re: so what's going on now... » B2chica, posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 1:07:22
thanks jono.
klonopin makes me angry and aggitated and remeron makes me fat and does much of nothing.
i have heard a lot of people mention buspar on this site...maybe that's worth a mention.last night i had to mix my gabapentin with xanax cuz the gaba was making me loopy but i was still having major anxiety.
felt like just mixing all i had...:(***********************
fb
had pdoc appt tonight but tues i canceled it.
i have to call in three of my scripts though today and hopefully pick them up tonight. not sure what i'll do if i cant get more gabapentin.
the xanax, well the more i take the more it makes me want to 'eat my pills'...i dont know why. i think it lowers my inhibitions like drinking does and makes me want to just "do it"... so caution is warrented.ive always thought my moods were unpatternistic, however a good friend of mine says that you cant always see the puzzle when you're one of the pieces...meaning i may not be removed enough to see a pattern. i do believe that my moods cycle, just not in any regular patterned way. i was initially dx bipolar due to my reaction to certain medication, however with the exception of two incidences (from medication) i have never felt "euphoric". my "up" cycle consists of much energy but either aggitation, anger and irritability, or crazy mind processing, fast, complex, weird thinking, ego dystonic voices...visual weirdness etc.
my down always seem to get to suicidal ideation..some severe, some just ideation.i think there may be some seasonal effects in play as well but unsure.
***********************
CE.
thank you for the support. i was in therapy for 7 years give or take a few months...im done. mostly because i just cant afford it anymore. i've joined a health center instead so i can exercise. been able to do it 5-6 times a week. i think it is helping. but i feel kinda like a lost cause.
ive tried continuing on with my prenatal vitamins or taking centrum silver, i've tried two others that i cant think of the names right now... nothing really.the problem with my spirituality is this. i love my beliefs, my religion, but the more spiritual i become, the more closer to God...the less i want to be here. the more abhored i become with the human race. then i begin to feel such disdain for even myself...
this is not a good cycle. that is usually when i become more active in my suicidal thinking.
so for now i need to keep that at arms lengths, praying when i can, and involving my children with every aspect that way i dont get too caught up.i pretty much have this site these days and thats kinda it.
im feeling pretty hopeless right now. i just dont think theres an answer out there for me. and quite frankly i dont think i have the energy or the will power to ask for help anymore. i just want to sit and watch life go by. i think i just need to learn that my life will not change for the better and accept how it is now.
at least im on meds that i'm not gaining tons of weight.b2
Posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 11:48:00
In reply to Re: so what's going on now..., posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 8:08:11
and that's not a bad thing.
i think when i post like this, i just want someone to tell me that its ok, to just let go...to relax and stop fighting.
that its ok to finally let the vortex suck me in...to just give up.
because i no longer have the energy nor the will to fight.i guess its when i need someone IRL to fight for me. to pick me up and say i'll hang on to you until you no longer need it.
and i know i dont have that.
my pdoc is a doctor, nothing more.
my t was great, but even she was only a t.
i have only one real friend and he's at my work.
and my husband is jealous of him...so i cant do things with him that i'd like.
my husband only argues...he wants me to be 'fixed'. not just better. he only holds me lately when he wants sex and i just cant. hell, hes not even in the house with us. its me and my babies i take care of them, feed them bathe them...hes never a part of that.
i love my babies Endlessly, and they certainly deserved to be born and to live and be happy and to experience life. but sometimes i regret that they were born to someone like me...into my loveless marriage.i think i just need to hibernate for a few days...
it is 11:40am and i have 1mg xanax and only 300 gaba in me. just went for walk...still anxiety.
dropped mood too. i want to take more gaba but i only have 2 more pills left...i'll take them about 1:00. then more xanax i guess...
wtf. i mean i'm doing all i'm fricken supposed to be doing to help myself. i even started journaling again...isnt it all worthless effort...
i feel i was born in this life to fight...to have to fight for everything. well, when do i get my break. when do i get help. and when does it stop.
Posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 12:35:28
In reply to i dont think i'll find my anwers here..., posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 11:48:00
(((b2c))). You seem to have so much courage and honesty. Of course you must be tired.
I suggest you call your pdoc. Can you give him an accurate assessment of your state?
And yes, T's are only T's. But they can help hold pieces together while we put them together ourselves in real life.
Will you keep checking in here?
With much support,
fb
And others here pulling for you, too.
Posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 14:07:44
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » B2chica, posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 12:35:28
i dont know fb.
i cant. i cant call pdoc. i wish you could call him for me.
what would i say.
i cant talk. i'm totally in my head. i know the pain in here cuz i'm hiding from my anxiety out there.tell him that im afraid of everything, paranoid that someday somewhere someone will hurt me bad. or
that my mind will win. that i will give in.how do i tell him that without sounding stupid.
and i know his response. start taking the gabapentin during the day (which i started doing already) klonipin or xanax at night...doing.
and the rest is psychological.
or worse he'll want to change my meds.
and honestly. no. i just dont want to anymore.
and then there's the cost of the appt.
so whats the point of an appt.
i simply dont care anymore.
i'd be happy if a bus hit me tomorrow.
besides, the drugs i'm taking now. the xanax and gabapentin, make me less intelligent and slower thinking. i'm more like everyone else i'm around. i can relate social better (if my personality were different.
i promised myself that i will not make anymore 'attempts', nothing stupid, no pill, no cuts, no jumps. mostly all those would do is wind me in the hospital and most likely vegetative.i think another thing that's hard is i have medicine that isn't mine, that if i take it would do the job. i live with it. its hard to fight. however i promised i wouldn't use it because it belongs to my daughter.
i have no more fantasies of what it would 'be like' after i die. i know the horror it would bring. i know the everlasting effects it will have on those around me. yet this disease is ever so selfish.
i feel as if some demon has followed me my whole life, making me suffer, that God has granted me the grace to fight.
but i fear that if this constant battle goes on too long...that i will loose.i will try to keep checking in.
but i dont know what to say. as this is no longer really a med discussion...thank you to all
and thank you fb.b2
Posted by Phillipa on August 26, 2011, at 19:18:40
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » floatingbridge, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 14:07:44
B2Chica do you remember a discussion we had when you were totally off all meds and nursing? You mentioned you felt really good? I suggested that maybe hormones the one high when lactating was good for you? Did you check this out as could be answer for some of this horrible anxiety/depression you are experiencing? Phillipa
Posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 21:32:24
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » floatingbridge, posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 14:07:44
B2c,
Sounds like there is stress upon stress right now. I understand the cost factor. I do. It sounds like, though, it might be good to push through and at least call.
A minor med adjustment might be all that's called for right now. More zyprexa temporarily? I don't know about meds.... And I don't know your doc. I do remember your last visit felt 'off' to you. He might be more capable of dealing with any complexity of your situation than you think. I tend to put myself in someone else's head and assume what they might do. For some reason you aren't feeling safe in general. I don't know if those are accurate perceptions to extend to your pdoc or not.
If I was in your life, I would call for you. Recently, I had someone call (a few times :-/ ) on my behalf. I think it's really good to get someone else to go to bat for you at times. I know you wrote you don't feel you have that resource. Would it help to rethink this? I can feel embarrassment asking for help and tend to feel very ashamed. It's very difficult that when I most need help, I either can't ask or even feel unheard.
You are correct a few posts up that I am concerned about the disinhibiting effects of gabapentin. It seems like a new med in your mix, so it's not proven.
Did you get your scripts?
I am relieved that you have bottom line contracts with yourself to stay safe. Please honor them, o.k.? Because this crisis will pass, and you will regain your footing again.
It's just awful to have the feeling of needing to fight and fight
and feel exhausted to the point of distrusting help. If I am reading you correctly.But B2c, what's past is past, whatever the hurts were that color the hurts of today. It sounds possible to me that a decline in mood might have triggered a PTSD flare. But that's a lens I tend to see life through. I'm sorry if that's true for
you, too, or just plain sorry you are feeling poorly whatever the reasons.Please keep in touch if that's what will best serve you right now.
Safe hugs.
fb
Posted by bleauberry on August 27, 2011, at 15:57:47
In reply to so what's going on now..., posted by B2chica on August 25, 2011, at 16:02:32
Just my gut instinct, but I would bet it is the pristiq and the perphen doing the emotional numbing, the adderall doing the craziness stuff, and all of them synergizing with each other to make it all more bizarre.
If it were me I would lower the doses of all of them at the same time by just a hair, probably by making my own custom dose sizes. And then after seeing how that was I would know whether to go lower or go back to where I was. My guess is the doses of all of them are too high in your case.
Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2011, at 19:00:43
In reply to Re: so what's going on now..., posted by bleauberry on August 27, 2011, at 15:57:47
but ive been fine sinc april.
july i noticed anxiety go up. then soon to follow depression seeped in.
now have both.pristiq at 50, perphenazine lowest at 2mg and adderall at 20. i've tried lowering that before and i noticed a difference in mood. sometimes i feel the adderall does more for my mood than the pristiq.
sorry no good at response rightnow.
i do feel that my anti anx meds are depressants. i took way too many last night and almost made a decision i would have regreted. finally a friend called me back and we talked for over 2 hours, basically until i fell asleep.
so i think i have to live with this nauseas anxiety. cuz i cant take enough of benzo and gaba.
i guess it really doesnt matter now.
thank though bb
b2
Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2011, at 19:02:41
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » B2chica, posted by Phillipa on August 26, 2011, at 19:18:40
nothing there. cant afford the tests.
so thats out.
Posted by B2chica on August 27, 2011, at 21:10:59
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » B2chica, posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 21:32:24
i don't feel all that safe but i'm afraid that pdoc will just say its all in my head and not to worry, that nothing will happen. he'll probably be right, but i hate having my feelings discounted as thats how i grew up and i'm really sensitive to that.
ya i have concerns about gaba and xanax (written in bb post).
don't want to go there right now. it was bad last night. starting to repeat tonight but i'm going to watch a movie to help.i got my scripts but got 'attitude' AGAIN from the - - - - in his office. apparently im not even supposed to call his office anymore. i call pharmacy request new script and they fax him and he either agrees or not and faxes the pharmacy back.
so now i have even no contact at all!i just feel a little rejected. i know part is depression cuz i just feel like everyone wants little to NOTHING to do with me. avoid me, etc.
all i got was 90 gabapentin and 45 2mg xanaxenough.and it IS hard to tell whats my ptsd and whats biological. i haven't really learned that yet.
i gotta go now.
i gotta stop. i want more. i think the xanax just wants me to take more.
b2
Posted by Phillipa on August 27, 2011, at 21:36:11
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » floatingbridge, posted by B2chica on August 27, 2011, at 21:10:59
B2Chica you don't sound all that safe to me. Could you take what you should take are prescribed and give your meds to your friend if not husband? Love Phillipa
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