Posted by B2chica on August 26, 2011, at 14:07:44
In reply to Re: i dont think i'll find my anwers here... » B2chica, posted by floatingbridge on August 26, 2011, at 12:35:28
i dont know fb.
i cant. i cant call pdoc. i wish you could call him for me.
what would i say.
i cant talk. i'm totally in my head. i know the pain in here cuz i'm hiding from my anxiety out there.tell him that im afraid of everything, paranoid that someday somewhere someone will hurt me bad. or
that my mind will win. that i will give in.how do i tell him that without sounding stupid.
and i know his response. start taking the gabapentin during the day (which i started doing already) klonipin or xanax at night...doing.
and the rest is psychological.
or worse he'll want to change my meds.
and honestly. no. i just dont want to anymore.
and then there's the cost of the appt.
so whats the point of an appt.
i simply dont care anymore.
i'd be happy if a bus hit me tomorrow.
besides, the drugs i'm taking now. the xanax and gabapentin, make me less intelligent and slower thinking. i'm more like everyone else i'm around. i can relate social better (if my personality were different.
i promised myself that i will not make anymore 'attempts', nothing stupid, no pill, no cuts, no jumps. mostly all those would do is wind me in the hospital and most likely vegetative.i think another thing that's hard is i have medicine that isn't mine, that if i take it would do the job. i live with it. its hard to fight. however i promised i wouldn't use it because it belongs to my daughter.
i have no more fantasies of what it would 'be like' after i die. i know the horror it would bring. i know the everlasting effects it will have on those around me. yet this disease is ever so selfish.
i feel as if some demon has followed me my whole life, making me suffer, that God has granted me the grace to fight.
but i fear that if this constant battle goes on too long...that i will loose.i will try to keep checking in.
but i dont know what to say. as this is no longer really a med discussion...thank you to all
and thank you fb.b2
poster:B2chica
thread:994851
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20110822/msgs/994909.html