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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 20:26:52
Not suicidal. Like need convincing life is worth living. Not for the big rock candy mountain. Just to feel peace.
I am always shaking my p*m-p*ms. Yeah go! Start that med, you'll feel better tomorrow, here, let me send you a hug.
I mean those things. I did. Life touches me in it's beauty and terror. I can't
touch it back lately. I feel like Santa Claus has lost my address.One of the best conversations was being able to discuss my ambivalence towards life. I felt understood. She didn't convince me.
I'm not suicidal. I do experience the seduction of ambivalence. It's easy, and I'm tired.
Anyone else? At least I Don't have to feel alone.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on May 30, 2011, at 21:30:28
In reply to is anyone ambivalant about living?, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 20:26:52
Yes, I relate to that. When the struggles and pain seem to outweigh the good of it.
I like life though, overall.
Sometimes it just feels like too much work.
Again though, I love so many people and so many things.
I wish I was not who I am.
Posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 21:58:30
In reply to Re: is anyone ambivalant about living? » floatingbridge, posted by sleepygirl2 on May 30, 2011, at 21:30:28
> Yes, I relate to that. When the struggles and pain seem to outweigh the good of it.
> I like life though, overall.
> Sometimes it just feels like too much work.> Again though, I love so many people and so many things.
> I wish I was not who I am.
Why is that? Of course you are one of my favorite babblers, but I don't know
your brand of self-antipathy. I feel the same in my own way.
Posted by sleepygirl2 on May 30, 2011, at 22:37:07
In reply to Re: is anyone ambivalant about living? » sleepygirl2, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 21:58:30
Because I am someone who is afraid. I am someone who is "different". I feel like my afflictions have always been obvious, but I haven't been forgiven because of them, just avoided more. I am also pretty needy. I haven't accomplished what I want, a life that would be a little simpler and more comfortable for me. And the relationships I have had, many have been painful, some have been great. My husband is a wonderful soul. My Pdoc and t...have been so kind to me, but there are limits to those relationships, and I can't take them for granted, though you can't really take much for granted.
I am grateful for a lot, but I don't want to be this person, on meds, struggling, scared. Eh.... whining over.
Thanks fb, you are very kind. I can't imagine
not liking you.
Posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 23:00:12
In reply to Re: is anyone ambivalant about living? » floatingbridge, posted by sleepygirl2 on May 30, 2011, at 22:37:07
Well imagine me hyper thyroid and being set off by every little sound. Even my husband coming in to visit is like 'what do you want?' I am very difficult to be close to because of hypersensitivity to my own feelings and because I swear I can see micro-expressions and I just assume the worst--that I am a big fat bore.
If I knew you in real life, we could be friends. The friends I have are also sensitive, too. Very accepting. That doesn't make it not terrifying. But it makes life o.k. knowing that people are good and by extension, in theory, I am
too. I would feel more worthwhile if I was employed.I'm cheered that you have a good relationship (husband) and shrink, and friends, and Freud to remind you to take your meds :
Thanks for sharing a little whine with me :D
I am a little less ambivalent right at this moment. Thank you!
fb
Posted by Phillipa on May 31, 2011, at 0:20:55
In reply to Re: is anyone ambivalant about living? » sleepygirl2, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 23:00:12
FB did you change your thyroid med back yet as will take a few weeks to stabalize. Aren't you glad that's it and it fixable or controlable so to speak? Phillipa
Posted by sigismund on May 31, 2011, at 2:20:28
In reply to is anyone ambivalant about living?, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 20:26:52
Now don't be silly.
What do you think?
Beauty and terror?
Exactly.
Posted by sigismund on May 31, 2011, at 2:24:13
In reply to No greater misfortune than having been born » floatingbridge, posted by sigismund on May 31, 2011, at 2:20:28
An incomparable privilege for them.
Posted by sigismund on May 31, 2011, at 2:25:44
In reply to Except for Buddhists, posted by sigismund on May 31, 2011, at 2:24:13
I really liked that.
I forget who said it.
Some counter-enlightenment person.
Posted by SLS on May 31, 2011, at 5:12:52
In reply to is anyone ambivalant about living?, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 20:26:52
> Not suicidal. Like need convincing life is worth living. Not for the big rock candy mountain. Just to feel peace.
Look for hope and peace in the guarantee of uncertainty.
I am told that much of my spiritual constitution is similar to Buddhism. I don't believe in reincarnation or meditation, though. Things are the way they are. I work to accept the way things are in the moment in order to work towards a future without suffering. For the most part, I failed miserably at doing this when I was in the deepest of depressions and the height of suffering.
It is good to understand the nature of the mental illness that pervades every aspect of one's existence in order to minimize taking personal responsibility for problematic thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. For instance, if you experience an unwanted intrusive thought that is taboo, you can then ignore it, knowing that it is a phenomenon of the brain dysfunction associated with a depressive disorder.
Acceptance in the moment does not mean capitulation or resignation for the future.
So, what's so good about life?
Maybe nothing. I try to find meaning and enjoyment in life by looking beyond nothingness.
"Observe and consider the birds."
:-)
- Scott
Posted by floatingbridge on May 31, 2011, at 10:35:39
In reply to Re: is anyone ambivalant about living? » floatingbridge, posted by SLS on May 31, 2011, at 5:12:52
Thanks for writing. I go up and down. Now, well, I'm stupidly, ironically ill. I could wrap myself in emsam. For all my talk about acceptance, I don't. I want a cure. Now that's insane. Abstract. I'm going to just keep my fingers quiet for awhile.
Thanks for being good friends.
Posted by floatingbridge on May 31, 2011, at 17:21:43
In reply to Re: is anyone ambivalant about living?, posted by floatingbridge on May 31, 2011, at 10:35:39
I want to thank you all for writing. I get so twitchy sometimes, I can't even tolerate my own posts. Or having someone post back.
Life has always been difficult. I'm in good company here, I know. Some people here have so much to justifiably feel less than stellar about.
I feel like 'things' happened to me. I also come from some set of genes. Much of my pain is my own making however.
I had a tiny window of some 'remission'. A taste. Now I don't know how to cope with the fibromyalgia. It's the freakishly perfect expression of my mental health. Pleasure is followed by pain, psychically, emotionally. Now I do something like swim in the kiddie pool or have a 'good' day, and I pay for it with three bed days.
I thought the right psych med would help, but that's not very realistic, is it?
How do people really cope with these
things? What gives you ballast to endure?You people are really great. You're a big part of my life. There's a certain
pathos right there, but so be it.fb
Posted by jono_in_adelaide on May 31, 2011, at 17:34:57
In reply to is anyone ambivalant about living?, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 20:26:52
I am very much ambivient about living..... I am taking 4 different meds for my anxiety/depression/panic, and still wonder wether I can stand another 40 years of existing like this. I wonder often "is this as good as its ever going to get"
I guess I keep hoping that GSK will develop some new wonder drug that will make everything allright
Posted by hyperfocus on June 2, 2011, at 15:08:33
In reply to is anyone ambivalant about living?, posted by floatingbridge on May 30, 2011, at 20:26:52
I'm not ambivalent - I actually care a great deal about living. It's just that I love so much the good and beautiful things and I hate with all the anger and passion I have the wrong and ugly things , that a lot of the time I find my life to be unbearable because of this affliction I have.
I also have short periods of lucidity and improvement and I hold on to these during the bad times, together with things I've read and seen in films. Just knowing something exists is not an unfair substitute for actually having it. I also keep in my mind that there are many people on the planet who have to make do with less.
So no chance of amitrip for the fibro yet? It might be worth whatever risk or SEs if it can manage the fibro pain.
This is the end of the thread.
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