![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 10:40:03
Mostly my illusions are just colors, floating lines or high contrast outlines. I experience flashing for several seconds, mostly right after waking up. Washout blindness, where everything looks like heavy smoke, lasting from 10 to 30 minutes. Confabulation when I can't make sense of what I see, but can distinguish improbables.
Some here discussed a theme in hallucinations, I found that non-living moving objects are a most prominent illusion theme for me, yet not a definite, exclusive category.
They usually are brief and fleeting, purple/blue or full color. I identify what I think I see but it moves over out of sight when I try to focus on it.Latest was a complex, moving illusion that stayed long enough for me to get up from my chair, walk towards and around it. It was glowing dark red and looked like a 3-d hologram. The room I was in was dimly lit and I had watched an interview on CNN just before. Nothing in the TV program related to the isllusion.
I am not frightened by the hallucination itself, rather curious and often amused.Anyone here relate?
Has anyone had to give up their drivers license because of hallucinations?
bimini
Posted by Phillipa on October 21, 2006, at 10:55:22
In reply to Complex hallucination, posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 10:40:03
Can I ask what your diagnosis is? Love Phillipa
Posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 12:42:07
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » bimini, posted by Phillipa on October 21, 2006, at 10:55:22
Organic affective disorder secondary to brain injury.
Dysautonomia.
Occipital horn, lateral ventricle encephalomalacia
Parietal white matter foci.Car accident 4 years ago.
bimini
Posted by yxibow on October 21, 2006, at 15:04:20
In reply to Complex hallucination, posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 10:40:03
> Mostly my illusions are just colors, floating lines or high contrast outlines. I experience flashing for several seconds, mostly right after waking up. Washout blindness, where everything looks like heavy smoke, lasting from 10 to 30 minutes. Confabulation when I can't make sense of what I see, but can distinguish improbables.
>
> Some here discussed a theme in hallucinations, I found that non-living moving objects are a most prominent illusion theme for me, yet not a definite, exclusive category.
> They usually are brief and fleeting, purple/blue or full color. I identify what I think I see but it moves over out of sight when I try to focus on it.
>
> Latest was a complex, moving illusion that stayed long enough for me to get up from my chair, walk towards and around it. It was glowing dark red and looked like a 3-d hologram. The room I was in was dimly lit and I had watched an interview on CNN just before. Nothing in the TV program related to the isllusion.
> I am not frightened by the hallucination itself, rather curious and often amused.
>
> Anyone here relate?
> Has anyone had to give up their drivers license because of hallucinations?
> bimini
>
>I'm sorry to hear your diagnosis which is a result of a trauma injury (organic). This is probably outside the scope of psychiatric diagnoses and disorders though definately some may cross pathways.
I have a complex somatiform disorder and normal MRI which manifests itself as visual "scratchies", artificial lights and situations appearing brighter or off contrast especially in the evening.
I hope you have an occupational therapist and are continuing to see a neurologist regarding your organic disorder. We now know that the brain can heal itself in part unlike previously thought and I wish you much luck.
If these were to cause as much confusion as some stroke patients, a doctor would inform you, but they may be obligated to report onesself to the DMV in your state (or country, wherever laws are). But one can pay for completely private drivers evaluations at major hospitals in ones area that are basically prescriptions from your doctor or neurologist to test reflexes with a simulator and to have a short on the road test.
Much wishes
-- Jay
Posted by yoshi on October 21, 2006, at 16:57:42
In reply to Complex hallucination, posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 10:40:03
I have had what I think are called hypnopompic hallucinations (usually a colored geometric shape). Have had a more complex, middle of the night hallucination that lasted longer and was paranoid in nature. Google- hypnopompic (on waking up) and hypnogogic (when falling asleep)hallucinations. You may found some useful information. It seems they may be less ominous than hallucinations one may have when fully awake. Anyway, my diagnosis is bipolar II if you are wondering.
I also these amusing, interesting, but my psychiatrist was a bit concerned.
Posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 22:46:48
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » bimini, posted by yxibow on October 21, 2006, at 15:04:20
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
Right, the pathways are blurred and ill defined. Normal MRI doesn't mean there is no open connection, normal EEG doesn't conclude the absense of electrical discharge.Do you see some colors more than others? Does the contrast increase to look like several layers of different colors around objects? (Like tension of a leaf on water.) Do you see the scratchies with eyes closed too? Do they move?
Had vision therapy with an optometrist for 7 - 8 months, that corrected multiple vision, almost as good as before. Learned so much about my visual system and comprehension.
Have not gone into much detail about hallucination during my 7 minutes with neuropsychiatrist.No occupational and limited physical therapy, couldn't pay for anymore than help with vision problems. Haven't lost my license for seizures. Doc asked if I could pull over and wait it out. I just stared at him incredulous. Optometrist said she didn't know how I can function at all the way I do, but also let me drive. Renewed license online and stay off the road as much as I can.
I have improved alot. The brain does heal, but ahh so very slowly.
bimini
Posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 23:04:34
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination, posted by yoshi on October 21, 2006, at 16:57:42
That must be upsetting to wake up from intrusive images. I googled it, read some interesting reports, then drifted somehow to a dream site.
I do dream intense stuff. Adventureland kind.
bimini
Posted by yoshi on October 22, 2006, at 13:06:25
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » yoshi, posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 23:04:34
I had a hallucination that I kept seeing pink and red beams of light into my room. I tried to ignore it and went back to sleep. It happend again. This time I went to the window and noticed there was a light on in the house across from me. I didn't know what was going on, but I thought, "I'm not stupid, I know they are doing something over there and it has something to do with me."
That one was a little more freaky, becasue I actually believed what I saw and was making up explanations for it.
That little story for your amusement. I know probably helpful, but at least you know you not the only one. :)
Posted by yxibow on October 22, 2006, at 17:58:04
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » yxibow, posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 22:46:48
> Thank you for your kind words of encouragement.
> Right, the pathways are blurred and ill defined. Normal MRI doesn't mean there is no open connection, normal EEG doesn't conclude the absense of electrical discharge.True, one could test me to the ends of the planet, I have had considerable tests, including a "normal MRI" which showed nothing other than what alkmost all people see on "normal" MRIs, namely evidence of past sinus ilnesses. I could have a PET or a SPECT scan, but these to date are largely research tools and don't really change the psychopharmacologists' approach to treatment.
>
> Do you see some colors more than others? Does the contrast increase to look like several layers of different colors around objects? (Like tension of a leaf on water.) Do you see the scratchies with eyes closed too? Do they move?I don't see the world in crayola or LSD intensity, but I don't fade completely to black or dark purple with my eyes closed. There's always something slight there even in lower light. Things have gotten much better with a medication plan after 5 years. And psychotherapy.
Mainly my issues are taillights and headlights are not what they should be. Traffic lights too, especially the new 200+ LED bulblets that have replaced the green and red lights for longevity in this part of the country. When things were early on, I could see computer flicker as high as 70Hz. 60Hz was atrocious, but now manageable.
Artificial lighting, metal halide and fluorescent lighting are not pleasant, especially the harsh ones in big box stores which make things look a bit surreal, but that has diminished but is not gone.
Basically mostly what I see, others could imagine seeing if they thought about it. The problem is my somatiform disorder, which may have been inherited from the hysteria I had after 9/11 (much greater than my peers), is not filtering out information. Everybody sees most all what I see, except it passes in a microsecond. If things are bad, I see palinopsia off a TV set in the dark, the TV set image to the left and right of the screen. That has also diminished with time, therapy, and medication.
The scratchies can be seen with breakthrough anxiety periods, mostly in darker rooms. Things in general get better in the morning and are worst by nightfall. Those have again gotten better. I used to look up at one of those typical sprayed stucco ceilings and see waves of lines running along them (oh, yes, patterns in carpets and the like were confusing too. Still there, diminished now too.)
>
> Had vision therapy with an optometrist for 7 - 8 months, that corrected multiple vision, almost as good as before. Learned so much about my visual system and comprehension.My opthamologist exam(s) (2) were all basically almost normal, the first was 20/20, the second one might have been 20/30 but that is statistical error. No optical nerve damage, normal nerves. The eye is the only part of the brain that can be seen from the outside by a practicioner without an invasive exam.
> Have not gone into much detail about hallucination during my 7 minutes with neuropsychiatrist.
>
> No occupational and limited physical therapy, couldn't pay for anymore than help with vision problems. Haven't lost my license for seizures. Doc asked if I could pull over and wait it out. I just stared at him incredulous. Optometrist said she didn't know how I can function at all the way I do, but also let me drive. Renewed license online and stay off the road as much as I can.
>
> I have improved alot. The brain does heal, but ahh so very slowly.It does... it heartens me to hear this all, but you are right it is a slow path to recovery, but people have recovered. Hope comes from within.
> bimini
I wish you much luck and love.
-- tidings
Jay
Posted by bimini on October 23, 2006, at 11:33:04
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination, posted by yoshi on October 22, 2006, at 13:06:25
Understand making up explanations. Mainly because I can't see right and want to make sense of it. Objects lump together or can't recognize what it is supposed to be. This has improved as multiples came together better. Also long object permanence, object stays when I move and look elsewhere and gaps when nothing gets processed, chunks just go missing. Movement is especially hard to understand, when several things move - YUCK.
Of course it has to do with me, I have that feeling too. My brain makes it up, can't blame others for that. Often I go back to see if what I saw has changed or what made it mix up. Taking time to look and check isn't really practical.
Haven't come across many people who have experienced this unless drug induced. My ex-neurologist hasn't, couldn't interpret in his report what I tried to describe. I wish there was a way to plug into my brain and see it.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
bimini
Posted by bimini on October 23, 2006, at 13:06:04
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » bimini, posted by yxibow on October 22, 2006, at 17:58:04
>I could have a PET or a SPECT scan, but these to date are largely research tools and don't really change the psychopharmacologists' approach to treatment
I'd love to be a research object. Don't qualify for one or another reason. I think someone could have a lot of fun analyzing what goes on in my head.
OHHHHHH, lights. After the accident lights were spectacular! Christmas lights quadroupled with steaks to the sides. Headlights are blinding still, stayes on long after the car is gone. I'm ok with the new LED lights, but those new traffic lights with the blue flashers in the middle, on dangerous intersections, make me have to drive with eyes closed, blinking to watch the car in front.
Computer. I have a glare screen and screen refresh rate set at 75Hz, didn't think 85Hz made a difference to me. But liquid crystal monitors are best. I'm ridiculously light sensitive. You see someone in a big box store with sunglasses and hat, that would be me.The palinopsia you describe could have to do with the distance of focus. When I am tired focusing gets sloppy, typicaly farther than it should. The v-therapy training taught me how to reset when this happens, but doesn't work well when tired. Looking with just one eye tells me which one went on vacation :) My delayed, slow or interrupted processing accounts for the dizzyness rug pattern, tile lines and such cause.
Ophthalmologists can see so much in the eyes. Through the pupil, the reaction, shape, location of the pupil and inclusions of the iris, deviations. My eyes itself are fine, one deviates and doesn't team well. Pupils are oval and not in the middle.SKIP this last paragraph, might be upsetting RE 5 years ago-
We lost so much in 9/11. I live near the WTC and everyone I know has been deeply affected, everything has changed, can't pretend it hasn't. I went 3 weeks ago, dragged some friends with me. It was so quiet, still almost. Hardly anyone there talked. The omnipresent vendors didn't hussle as usual either. Like time went slower, you could say underfilter. I thought the physical absense was to explain the change of sound compared to a block away. My friends said they felt more than a physical void as well. We comfort ourselves embracing our brothers and sisters gained, sensitive by virtue or intimate connection.Not victim but survivor.
Hugs, bimini
Posted by yxibow on October 23, 2006, at 17:22:00
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » yxibow, posted by bimini on October 23, 2006, at 13:06:04
> >I could have a PET or a SPECT scan, but these to date are largely research tools and don't really change the psychopharmacologists' approach to treatment
>
> I'd love to be a research object. Don't qualify for one or another reason. I think someone could have a lot of fun analyzing what goes on in my head.As would I...
>
> OHHHHHH, lights. After the accident lights were spectacular! Christmas lights quadroupled with steaks to the sides. Headlights are blinding still, stayes on long after the car is gone.This happened approximately Nov 17, 2001, the timing of the Leonid meteor showers. Headlights were blinding going up the mountain to see the few meteors I normally would have been interested in seeing for hours. I quickly and safely as possible retreated from the mountain, blinding headlights and all.
Photoflash pictures of me, the flash stayed on for 15 (!) minutes afterwards as a typical reverse afterimage. This has reduced to not completely but near normal.
I'm ok with the new LED lights, but those new traffic lights with the blue flashers in the middle, on dangerous intersections, make me have to drive with eyes closed, blinking to watch the car in front.The new stupid blue headlights on cars are the worst for me, some come factory installed. They're even bad for people with migraines and so-called "normal" people. I consider myself normal but I digress.. They should be outlawed.
> Computer. I have a glare screen and screen refresh rate set at 75Hz, didn't think 85Hz made a difference to me. But liquid crystal monitors are best.
Yes, I switched finally to a flat panel about a year ago or so and flat panels are pretty much okay for me -- TFTs are back illuminated by a fluorescent light but the intensity is so low for most panels that it is not noticeable really as a fluorescent light for me.
>I'm ridiculously light sensitive. You see someone in a big box store with sunglasses and hat, that would be me.
Yep -- for a year or more afterwards, it actually was socially important in my development, I hung out at a nightclub and in order to be there I had to wear sunglasses when I went into the dance floor -- the strobe lights and artificial lighting was just insane. People probably thought I was on X or something, which I never do. Although some people wear sunglasses in a club just to look cool. I dont really care. Anyhow the sunglasses have come off.
>
> The palinopsia you describe could have to do with the distance of focus. When I am tired focusing gets sloppy, typicaly farther than it should. The v-therapy training taught me how to reset when this happens, but doesn't work well when tired. Looking with just one eye tells me which one went on vacation :) My delayed, slow or interrupted processing accounts for the dizzyness rug pattern, tile lines and such cause.Possibly -- its hard to say... I think its still linked to psychiatric vision rather than true vision, but ultimately of course they all cross into the II, III, IV, VI nerves in the brain in some capacity and into the optic nerve.
> SKIP this last paragraph, might be upsetting RE 5 years ago-
> We lost so much in 9/11. I live near the WTC and everyone I know has been deeply affected, everything has changed, can't pretend it hasn't. I went 3 weeks ago, dragged some friends with me. It was so quiet, still almost. Hardly anyone there talked. The omnipresent vendors didn't hussle as usual either. Like time went slower, you could say underfilter. I thought the physical absense was to explain the change of sound compared to a block away. My friends said they felt more than a physical void as well. We comfort ourselves embracing our brothers and sisters gained, sensitive by virtue or intimate connection.
>
> Not victim but survivor.
> Hugs, bimini
Hugs to you too, you are and were far closer, but it was estimated that 25% or more, or uncountable numbers of americans were walking wounded shortly afterwards no matter where they were.
Time has passed, and with medication things almost numb things completely, which actually interferes ironically with psychotherapy because you can't get at the root of things. So for that and other reasons some of the medication is being reduced slowly to see what happens.
So I'm not upset by verbal descriptions. Now the news video footage that has been played thousands of times since the event does get to me, and is really I think unnecessary, when counting "anniversaries". We all saw it, and if we didn't see it, we were probably lucky that it didnt burn itself in our brains.-- tidings and care
Jay
Posted by Karen44 on October 24, 2006, at 1:30:27
In reply to Complex hallucination, posted by bimini on October 21, 2006, at 10:40:03
> Mostly my illusions are just colors, floating lines or high contrast outlines. I experience flashing for several seconds, mostly right after waking up. Washout blindness, where everything looks like heavy smoke, lasting from 10 to 30 minutes. Confabulation when I can't make sense of what I see, but can distinguish improbables.
>
> Some here discussed a theme in hallucinations, I found that non-living moving objects are a most prominent illusion theme for me, yet not a definite, exclusive category.
> They usually are brief and fleeting, purple/blue or full color. I identify what I think I see but it moves over out of sight when I try to focus on it.
>
> Latest was a complex, moving illusion that stayed long enough for me to get up from my chair, walk towards and around it. It was glowing dark red and looked like a 3-d hologram. The room I was in was dimly lit and I had watched an interview on CNN just before. Nothing in the TV program related to the isllusion.
> I am not frightened by the hallucination itself, rather curious and often amused.
>
> Anyone here relate?
> Has anyone had to give up their drivers license because of hallucinations?
> bimini
>
>
Your hallucinations are likely due to your organic impairment. Have you asked your doctor what it means, and what has s/he said?Karen44
Posted by xbunny on October 24, 2006, at 4:51:52
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » bimini, posted by yxibow on October 23, 2006, at 17:22:00
>> I'd love to be a research object. Don't qualify for one or another reason. I think someone could have a lot of fun analyzing what goes on in my head.
>As would I...dunno if this is of any interest to you but here is an analysis of a QEEG/BEAM on a patient with HPPD. http://hppdonline.com/qeeg/qeeg2.php As Im sure you know HPPD symptoms seem similar to what you are describing. Im not sure how it might help other than to demonstrate that to some degree some abnormality consistant with the symptoms can be detected in the brain of sufferers with visual perceptual disturbances using this technique.
Bunny
PS: I also experience visual perceptual disturbances similar to both you.
Posted by bimini on October 24, 2006, at 11:20:00
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination - bimini - yxibow, posted by xbunny on October 24, 2006, at 4:51:52
Thank you for the link, of course this was intesting to me. Don't know what HPPD is. Clicked on the links, not active anymore. I'll find out more later.
I have not had a sleep study. My Neurologist reported that he didn't think I had clinical seizures. Suggested was simple and complex partial seizures possibly caused by MVP/dysautonomia. My PCP refused referal for an EEG. An change of my insurance will allow direct access to specialists. I will try again then.
I live in a small town, specialists of that caliber are hard to find.
bimini
Posted by bimini on October 24, 2006, at 11:56:31
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination, posted by Karen44 on October 24, 2006, at 1:30:27
My ex-neurologist said my symptoms were bizarre, he had not heard of them before. Second opinion neurologist reported seizure-like activity and had PCP refer me to a neuropsychiatrist and a psychologist for psych testing. (Visual memory was 1 percentile, retention 18th and some of the other parts of tests were in the 125 percentile range.) Later I have also heard physiologic seizure disorder, simple and partial seizures and migraine auras.
The n/p is board certified in both. My decriptions of illusions prompted the diagnoses of a variety of disorders. She just recently stopped asking me if I see monsters, insects or something frightening.My vision has improved over the years, the illusions though have not stopped. This is the first illusion that I remember that stayed at about the same spot when I move, I have not walked up to one before and can't find a connection to how that came there. The illusion were subjects of a 14th century painting. Now that to me is bizarre. Too complex to figure out.
bimini
Posted by bimini on October 24, 2006, at 11:58:35
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination » bimini, posted by yxibow on October 23, 2006, at 17:22:00
Posted by yxibow on October 25, 2006, at 5:44:50
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination - bimini - yxibow, posted by xbunny on October 24, 2006, at 4:51:52
> >> I'd love to be a research object. Don't qualify for one or another reason. I think someone could have a lot of fun analyzing what goes on in my head.
> >As would I...
>
> dunno if this is of any interest to you but here is an analysis of a QEEG/BEAM on a patient with HPPD. http://hppdonline.com/qeeg/qeeg2.php As Im sure you know HPPD symptoms seem similar to what you are describing. Im not sure how it might help other than to demonstrate that to some degree some abnormality consistant with the symptoms can be detected in the brain of sufferers with visual perceptual disturbances using this technique.
>
> Bunny
>
> PS: I also experience visual perceptual disturbances similar to both you.
Yes, I have heard of HPPD (Hallucinogen Persisting Perception Disorder), which is a latent/tardive condition experience by those who have taken certain hallucinogenic drugs up to years in the past. Ironically though, the Seroquel that I take for my condition for whatever reason would exacerbate most people with HPPD. I don't know the reason why D2 antagonists don't work for some with that condition, but unfortunately they don't (a smaller group do have results though apparently). The Valium I take might work.
The typical experiences I've heard of HPPD or even current users of LSD and the like are larger than life than the disreality that I experience -- I don't see the world in Crayola. Also, while HPPD is an annoyance, and some people may have bad LSD/whatever trips, those who are currently in a state of psychosis from such a trip are actually enjoying it (not those with HPPD particularly obviously). If I were truly psychotic, I wouldn't have the sensation of burning eyes by the end of the day because my eyes try to adjust to the somewhat heightened senses. I wouldn't find it atrocious because I would take it as a real worldview.
Fortunately I have most all of my marbles -- I'm a smart person trapped in an altered world I didn't bargain for. Hopefully a better, new worldview and decrease of discontinuity, disconnectiveness, and dysphoria will be created by continued therapy and medication and getting out into society more in general.Best wishes
-- Jay
Posted by bimini on October 25, 2006, at 8:35:35
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination - bimini - yxibow » xbunny, posted by yxibow on October 25, 2006, at 5:44:50
Wow, I'm learning alot from you all.
I'm not a LSD user. Don't have burning eyes but feel pressure behind eyes from time to time, lasting several hours up to a day or two.
Now, with real and altered worlds: I remember how the world used to look and wondered if I would get so used to this, and eventually adapt as much, to forget how real was like. I remember details of illusions and dreams more than everyday experience. I am annoyed and get angry at how hard it is to function, yet curious to find reasons why particular associations occur.I have lost at least one marble, that is what I call the hole in the back of my brain. Can't afford therapy, have trouble paying for the medication. Talking to you is my therapy, support groups have mended what some of my doctors destroyed; had such bad experience with doctors early in recovery my trust has been irreperably damaged.
My world view has changed. Don't feel connected to 'normal', don't get why people do what they do, don't get why I enjoyed doing those same things before. The world sped up without me and I don't care to try to catch up. Can't do it, so the world will just have to slow down for me. But I'm making an effort to remain active socially even though that is exhausting, sometimes takes week or more to recover. Can't work a regular job, with a lot of push and shove started my own business, work 2 -3 hrs a day now. Learned to break things down to little chunks so everything isn't so overwhelmingly difficult. And forcing myself to keep a routine. Declutter my life. Rearrange location of lighting at home. Set limits to everything with a timer and change location, activity, focus. Collecting tools to function.
Don't know Seroquel, my problem was hypersomnia. Slept like a rock for 12 hrs, up to 16 hrs when active. Never quite awake, already exhausted 2-4 hours after waking up. Effexor made everything worse, chunks went missing, didn't know how I got from one place to another. Vision stuttered like strobe lights.
Now I'm taking Lamictal and sleep way more efficient ~9 hrs, and Provigil to stay awake and alert throughout the day. Valium might turn me into Snow White.How did you get into this side of reality? Did it happen suddenly? Can you pinpoint an exact date or event that caused the change?
I have thought a lot about that. What other events could have contributed. Viral infections, more viral infections, other concussions I didn't take serious...I hope you will find therapy helpful. I probably would if the therapist lived with a brain injury also. Explaining so someone understands remotely is so exhausting to me, something I rather avoid than seek. The real help I got came from people with similar difficulties.
Hugs, bimini
Posted by xbunny on October 25, 2006, at 9:18:28
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination - bimini - yxibow » xbunny, posted by yxibow on October 25, 2006, at 5:44:50
> the disreality that I experience
> Fortunately I have most all of my marbles -- I'm a smart person trapped in an altered world I didn't bargain for. Hopefully a better, new worldview and decrease of discontinuity, disconnectiveness, and dysphoria will be createdYou experience derealization and depersonalization too? I know you dont have HPPD but DR/DP is also comorbid for many HPPD sufferers it seems.
Bunny
Posted by yxibow on October 25, 2006, at 13:35:54
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination - bimini - yxibow » yxibow, posted by xbunny on October 25, 2006, at 9:18:28
> > the disreality that I experience
> > Fortunately I have most all of my marbles -- I'm a smart person trapped in an altered world I didn't bargain for. Hopefully a better, new worldview and decrease of discontinuity, disconnectiveness, and dysphoria will be created
>
> You experience derealization and depersonalization too? I know you dont have HPPD but DR/DP is also comorbid for many HPPD sufferers it seems.
>
> BunnyYes, I do -- and so do a number of people with anxiety, depression, and complex disorders such as I do. For one thing, if you're isolated enough from friends and the like as I do, eventually people can get DR/DP over time, whether its an exact DSM diagnosis or not.
But yes, other changes in the brain can certainly bring it out. For me, its that (this isn't psychosis -- it has gone on 5 years, I acutely remember for before, faintly) I live in my world and everybody else lives in the world I would normally live in, the one where I can walk down the street at night and not be particularly aware of headlights and traffic lights, movie marquees, etc, while everybody filters those out in time measured in small milliseconds and mine are much larger milliseconds.
Posted by yxibow on October 25, 2006, at 14:26:12
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination -yxibow » yxibow, posted by bimini on October 25, 2006, at 8:35:35
> Wow, I'm learning alot from you all.
> I'm not a LSD user. Don't have burning eyes but feel pressure behind eyes from time to time, lasting several hours up to a day or two.
I can't say what that part is for you since you have a complex organic disorder but I know that on "nasty" days I sometimes end up taking 600-800mg of ibuprofen at the end of the day. Its not a 5 alarm fire but it helps some of the strain that the eye muscles are obviously doing something to something that really lies behind them, not ahead of them.
> Now, with real and altered worlds: I remember how the world used to look and wondered if I would get so used to this, and eventually adapt as much, to forget how real was like.
I vaguely remember, it gets more distant with time but yes, I remember, because I also have a fondness, yearning, a peter pan-ness for my college days, which were the best thing I ever had going for me that I didn't realize at the time. I mean, I had fun, but really, it was besides parental support, independence. An independence I'm still proud of. Not to mention a greater social network.
> I have lost at least one marble, that is what I call the hole in the back of my brain.Didn't mean to associate that painfully for you, it was a little humour conjecture for me on my part.
Can't afford therapy, have trouble paying for the medication. Talking to you is my therapy, support groups have mended what some of my doctors destroyed; had such bad experience with doctors early in recovery my trust has been irreperably damaged.
I understand.. not all experience with medicine is positive though I still believe in better living through chemistry. Not that it is my business, but I hope you have some sort of compensation or government disability benefits for your medication and the like. At any rate I wish you do. (you don't have to answer that publicly, just a comment.) I'm glad I can be of help, but not being a qualified licensed therapist I'm just suggesting maybe there is some sort of funding out there somewhere, state government sponsored programs or something.
>The world sped up without me and I don't care to try to catch up.The thing is I'm still in my 30s and I have to catch up, and fast as my parents had me late, and my social network is mostly fair weather acquaintances.
But I'm making an effort to remain active socially even though that is exhausting, sometimes takes week or more to recover.Recovery is a job in itself.
Can't work a regular job, with a lot of push and shove started my own business, work 2 -3 hrs a day now. Learned to break things down to little chunks so everything isn't so overwhelmingly difficult.
And that's the path I'm suppose to take eventually, to try to work a little at a time, maybe at home first to control my own lighting, etc.
And forcing myself to keep a routine. Declutter my life. Rearrange location of lighting at home.
Definately, its flat panels and as little fluorescent lighting as possible except those which appear daylight enough, etc.
Set limits to everything with a timer and change location, activity, focus. Collecting tools to function.
That sounds positive.
>
> Don't know Seroquel, my problem was hypersomnia. Slept like a rock for 12 hrs, up to 16 hrs when active.One definately would with Seroquel if they aren't an insomniac. I probably sleep 7 hours these days but that's partially because I sometimes nap during the afternoon or take a second morning catnap (decreases nighttime regularity of course.)
Never quite awake, already exhausted 2-4 hours after waking up.Yeah... same, although it wears off about two half life hours after the Seroquel which has a small half life. I'm still tired, but not an immovable object.
Effexor made everything worse, chunks went missing, didn't know how I got from one place to another. Vision stuttered like strobe lights.
Effexor is a definate stimulation on the body, I can't take it, or at least at the time when in college I tried. Cymbalta so far is working out to the best of its degree with occasional breakthrough depression.
> Now I'm taking Lamictal and sleep way more efficient ~9 hrs, and Provigil to stay awake and alert throughout the day. Valium might turn me into Snow White.I'm more used to my Valium dose, which we are attempting to pare down a little, so its more the Seroquel antihistamine that makes me tired I think. We haven't tried modafinil, although that was an idea of stimulants. I've noticed that on an off label basis, when I take Sudafed for some minor ear/sinus stuff that I have fairly regularly (no real congestion, just ear feelings), I actually kick myself out and go to the gym or the like. Its a very micro-antidepressant, not that I ever recommend anyone take Sudafed 24/7.
>
> How did you get into this side of reality? Did it happen suddenly? Can you pinpoint an exact date or event that caused the change?
It is a somatiform/OCD spectrum disorder, to the best of mine and my doctors' knowledge. Somatiform disorders aren't the malingering that is in old treatises, they are real. And surprisingly common in neurology and the psychiatric wards -- but mostly the common form, pseudoseizures, people who do not have a seizure disorder but whose anxiety and whatever else they have absorbed turns into physical symptoms.In this case it is persistent, so far, 24/7, although daytime is better, whether apparent lighting or simply because I am less fatigued for what the day brings.
We think the trigger was probably the uncontrolled anxiety and extreme (more than my peers) hysteria and anxiety that followed 9/11, to the point where I had fear the world would end in some nuclear disaster or something and was constantly checking my cellphone for news. Hindsight is 20/20, if I took some Geodon or something then I probably might not have had it snap so strong now. But we don't know, this is just conjecture and evidence based psychiatry. There is evidence that a neuroleptic works, that the blockade of D2 (part of visual pathways) is a reasonable theory. There is evidence that GABA seems to be a modifier (Klonopin, then switched to Valium, and an occasional Xanax at bad moments.)
What else is part of the puzzle is actually therapy probably to get to the root of it, and ironically medication probably drowns out a lot of the therapy so I can function and sit at this computer, for example. Its a catch 22 because we dont know if I will "go backwards" with reduction in medication or whether I will simply have periods of withdrawal and breakthrough anxiety that will reset itself.
To the best of my knowledge it snapped overnight and became aware of it on Nov 17, 2001. I know that date because I was driving to see the Leonid meteor showers. (Can only see those in clear sky areas like here in Southern California.) I was blinded by brightness of headlights going both ways on the mountain road and I parked and saw a few and came home, thinking I just had a bad sleep, and went to another location the next day and it was the same. Purple blobs were beginning to appear in my vision (afterimages). And things have been the same but fortunately much better since. At the height of it big department stores with the usual fluorescent lighting confused my mind so much I almost knocked over racks trying to look for clothes. I chose things with little patterns. I still find myself occasionally avoiding choosing my clothing that have patterns I used to like.
> I have thought a lot about that. What other events could have contributed. Viral infections, more viral infections, other concussions I didn't take serious...Oh I've been through the gamut... somewhat backwards... I did have extensive medical tests from one bacteria/whatever to another. Finally one year later after it was clearly seen that it would improve my anxiety about things I had an MRI to conclusively rule out anything organic. I just recently had a Lyme titer which my doctor would have probably notified me by now if anything was amiss -- it was just about the last thing I thought on the littany of things, including cortisol (oh peeing in a jar on the weekend is such a fun activity... [humor off]). Oh and several opthamologist's exams.
> I hope you will find therapy helpful. I probably would if the therapist lived with a brain injury also. Explaining so someone understands remotely is so exhausting to me, something I rather avoid than seek. The real help I got came from people with similar difficulties.Yes, I can understand... I pare down my explanations to a minimum unless I sense the other person is an empath/empathizer. I do wish there was someone else in this country let alone on this continent that had my condition exactly.
I haven't looked in a while, but there is a board and another site regarding visual snow and static and the like.
http://p210.ezboard.com/bthosewithvisualsnow
>
> Hugs, bimini
>You too
-- tidings
Jay
Posted by bimini on October 26, 2006, at 15:15:16
In reply to Re: Complex hallucination -yxibow » bimini, posted by yxibow on October 25, 2006, at 14:26:12
> I sometimes end up taking 600-800mg of ibuprofen at the end of the day.<
Ibuprofen and my stomach don't get along. I rest and close my eyes for a while, that helps a little. No reading, no TV, no computer, no candle light. I lie on the floor, call a friend, talk, spoil the dog or cat or something else I don't need my eyes for. I can do the dishes with eyes closed. Exercise too.
> I also have a fondness, yearning, a peter pan-ness for my college days, which were the best thing I ever had going for me that I didn't realize at the time.<
Yeah, what made it so much fun was the carefree-ness. The rolling-with-the-punches excitement. Childlike awe and exploration of new experiences...not trading this curiosity for security or whatever. Comfort maybe that's what it is.> Didn't mean to associate that painfully for you, it was a little humour conjecture for me on my part.<
Naaa. I called that hole my lost marble as soon I saw it on the scan. It has the right shape and size. That earned me the remark of "inappropriate response" in the report of my neurologist.> I still believe in better living through chemistry. I hope you have some sort of compensation or government disability benefits for your medication and the like.<
I'm definitely a lot better since finding the most beneficial combination. No gov. benefits for me because I kept trying to work. Also stuck in a complicated lawsuit. Enough just living one day at a time. Rolling with the punches -> and my social network is mostly fair weather acquaintances.<
Fair weather - Clouds are natural and necessary. Rain is needed too, the sun always comes out again. In the winter delicate plants need shelter, throughout the year they need nurturing. Friends are like my garden. I have to be a friend to have one. I have to give when needed, I have to listen and not judge.> But I'm making an effort to remain active socially even though that is exhausting, sometimes takes week or more to recover.
Recovery is a job in itself.<
So true, recovery is hard work. Good you keep on going the uphill road, no matter how difficult the path. I need to be pushed some, I don't get rolling by myself but stopped dragging my heals, it is helping.> try to work a little at a time, maybe at home first to control my own lighting, etc.<
Control of lighting was a big issue, even at home. Furniture location another. Get confused by movement, compensate by finding a place where I can't get distracted by that. Agitated by random noise. Compensate with headphones and music to drown out all else.
Need necksupport everywhere. Have to take frequent breaks, change activity. What kind of job would accomodate all of that...
I am lucky to have 'irritating' loving people around to push me along. Even little accomplishments are encouraging. Still need a kick in the ->Kick yourself out to the gym<
Could you find another kicker, like buddy up with someone who needs a co-kicker too -
I battle setbacks a lot and feel very discouraged when it lasts more than a week or two. But looking back over time, I can see progress. Sometimes it seems that a slide back was needed to go forward. Like a cat ducks down before jumping up. At least I like to picture this to be so.
> Leonid meteor showers.<
I need to 'percolate' that through my head, bear with me I'm slow.>fluorescent lighting confused my mind so much I almost knocked over racks trying to look for clothes.<
I fell often. Once in a large flower pot at a fancy office. I'm since more cautious, too many bruises. Can feel myself fading out and grab onto something now before going down, sometimes sit on the bottom shelf, lol. Grocery stores know me by now, better time out than breaking an armful of pickle jars trying to look cool.>I still find myself occasionally avoiding choosing my clothing that have patterns I used to like.<
I've changed dramatic. Used to wear pretty dresses, heels, hairstyles. Now addicted to comfort, but still love happy colors. And hats! With rim! And sunglasses - hold the trenchcoat :)> I just recently had a Lyme titer which my doctor would have probably notified me by now if anything was amiss -- <
Sounds you aren't worried, hope the result comes back clear. It is so unnerving to have test after test and not find a specific reason and hence a solution.
> Oh and several opthamologist's exams.<
I've gone revolving door at eyedocs places. Therapy 6 days a week, over 7 months. Three different set of special lenses in as many years. Shocking price tags. Supposed to go now every 3 months and keep up training at home for maintenance.> http://www.visualsnow.com/
>
> http://p210.ezboard.com/bthosewithvisualsnowThanks for the links,
BIG SMILE,
bimini
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