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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by T~ on August 29, 2000, at 9:14:54
i really dont have an answer for this but i have been keeping my doctor visits and being on celexa a secret from my family and friends, kids included.
i guess part of me doesnt want them to treat me differently, i suppose that is the biggest reason.anyone one else out there feeling the way i am?
support is needed
T~
Posted by Cindy W on August 29, 2000, at 9:28:52
In reply to keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by T~ on August 29, 2000, at 9:14:54
> i really dont have an answer for this but i have been keeping my doctor visits and being on celexa a secret from my family and friends, kids included.
> i guess part of me doesnt want them to treat me differently, i suppose that is the biggest reason.
>
> anyone one else out there feeling the way i am?
> support is needed
> T~T, I "came out of the closet" with my depression, OCD, and treatment last year at work. I don't mind now at work if people know I take AD's. However, I can understand how you feel, because I haven't told my parents or other relatives. It helps though to have close friends to talk about "real life" with, instead of having to pretend everything's just fine.--Cindy W
Posted by Greg on August 29, 2000, at 15:23:34
In reply to keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by T~ on August 29, 2000, at 9:14:54
T~,
I tried for awhile to keep my problem from my loved ones, but the not knowing what my behavior was about was driving them crazy, and me crazier.
It's very important for us to have a support stucture if we are to have a chance to improve. Will they treat you different? Possibly. Help them to get educated and that will help greatly.My suggestion to you is to let your family and friends in, love and support can come from the most unexpected places.
My best to you and, please, stay in touch.
Greg
> i really dont have an answer for this but i have been keeping my doctor visits and being on celexa a secret from my family and friends, kids included.
> i guess part of me doesnt want them to treat me differently, i suppose that is the biggest reason.
>
> anyone one else out there feeling the way i am?
> support is needed
> T~
Posted by noa on August 30, 2000, at 9:54:44
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.. » T~, posted by Greg on August 29, 2000, at 15:23:34
I initially kept it all a secret, then eventually told people.
There is no rush, but at some point, you might find it helpful to confide in at least one or two people. I can tell you that my fears about people's responses were way worse than their actual responses. But you know these people, so you can guage better than I or anyone else whether they will respond supportively.
Telling people other than a close friend or spouse or other family members is a tricky thing. I found it helpful at some point to tell some people at work, including my supervisor, in my current job (my condition had deteriorated to the point where it really made sense to provide some information), but in some work places, it would not be such a good idea.
For example, in a previous workplace, I shared it with close co-workers, but not my supervisor. Good thing I did not tell my supervisor anything about my depressive illness, because I ended up in an adversarial relationship with my employer later on, and thanks to our rather viscious legal system, the question about my health and mental health was raised to discredit me. It was bad enough that because I had told some coworkers, the same information that I shared with them as I had with my therapist, would not have enjoyed privilege status. The whole issue was a red herring anyway, and had no pertinence in the case, since I did not claim any psychological damages (for this very reason!!) and the judge ruled that they could not get my medical records, thank goodness, but it was a close call. In deposition, I did have to answer some questions about conversations I had had with friends who are also coworkers, regarding my health/mental health issues. That was quite uncomfortable, to say the least.
You want to be sure that if you do disclose this to anyone, even a trusted person close to you, that you feel confident that you are comfortable with them knowing, and with the "risk" of sharing private info.
Sometimes, I think, it can take a while for "us" (allow me this generalization, and consider it applied only to those who feel it applies) to get used to the whole idea of treatment ourselves, and it is ok to keep it secret until we are ready to share. On the other hand, a supportive response from a friend or relative can HELP us to accept our selves as people who take medication for depression or other psychiatric problems.
There is no "right" way to do this. No matter what your decisions about this are, if you can frame it as being a boundary you are in control of, because, afterall, it is your private information, versus a shameful secret you are hiding from, I think that can help.
Posted by NikkiT2 on August 30, 2000, at 10:56:54
In reply to keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by T~ on August 29, 2000, at 9:14:54
My husband, and a few close friends know about me taking ad's, and the level of depression I have been through, but no one else. I am bvery close to my mum, and my brothers, but have felt I'm not able to tell them all this. Why? I think they'll see me as a failure I guess.. and mum thinks all ad's are addictive, and I'd be fine if I just "snapped out of it"..
So, I guess I keep it secret to avoid more pain.
Nikki
Posted by adniL on August 30, 2000, at 16:02:29
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by NikkiT2 on August 30, 2000, at 10:56:54
I don't know why, but I tell just about everyone. I am a stay at home mom. My depression is and has been a big part of me, so I guess I feel that anyone who is part of my life should know. My husband wasn't very accepting - he was of the opinion that I should just "bootstrap." So I gave him some things to read about what clinical depression is really like. Also, I guess I don't want people to take it personally if I fade into the background for a while. I was so hard on myself for so long, and it was a big relief to find out that it really does take me ten times the effort to do something as anyone else. I want to be up front with people about what they can expect from me. Since I've suffered from this a long time, it was a big relief to find out that there really was something wrong and that I didn't have to feel that way. I also like to encourage people about getting help if they need it. I guess I was more ashamed of being depressed than of the treatment. Just my own experience here. Nothing wrong with your way.
Posted by emily on August 30, 2000, at 17:36:46
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by adniL on August 30, 2000, at 16:02:29
I have told a number of people, but not my family of origin. In my case, many of the contributing factors of my depression (including a biological disposition) come from my family. My mom was depressed for most of my childhood, but we never were supposed to talk about it, so I believe that my "coming out" would not be taken well. (Especially since I "came out" about other issues and it was not taken well at all...)
However, I have told several people at work (my supervisor and a couple of coworkers, but not my assistant). And my partner and several friends know. It is really important for me to balance emotional safety (not telling people who would use it against me) with support (telling people who are safe, kind, and genuinely care about me).
I agree--it's a hard thing to talk about. I also agree that I feel more ashamed about the depression than about the treatment.
Posted by allisonm on August 30, 2000, at 21:47:05
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by emily on August 30, 2000, at 17:36:46
My staff and I had a retreat last Friday, during the afternoon of conversation about how things were going at work, two said they thought I had been angry at them because I had started isolating from them and they wanted to know why. I had to 'fess up and tell them I was still working on this depression, I was on ADs, I have been suicidal, and yes I was isolating but it was from everything, not just them and not to worry because my isolating had nothing to do with their job performance. They were very accepting and some could relate stories about how they thought some in their families might have depression also. I still felt rather humiliated. I have had to try to explain to them what depression feels like. Now I think they're worried about me, which is the last thing I want. Work is a stressful-enough place without having to worry that their boss might off herself...
My dad thinks I'm a "level-headed girl" with my feet on the ground. He's also a frugal man and a pseudo Christian Scientist, so he sees no need for spending money on docs or drugs. Everyone else in my family is dead. He's it. So I have to look elsewhere for support.
I have told a number of people about my depression, my psychiatrist and my meds -- mostly friends. Some near-strangers understand completely because they're going through it too, and some very close friends and family members don't understand at all and think I should just think happy thoughts, drop-kick the shrink and dump the meds. There's no guessing what the reaction will be.
Posted by LucindaLinda on August 30, 2000, at 22:27:42
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by allisonm on August 30, 2000, at 21:47:05
I was just prescribed Celexa for the first time and am scared to death that it will reacte completely opposite of what it is supposed to. Still have the 1/2 pill sitting here waiting to go down the hatch. Maybe I will cut it in 1/2 again? to start.. Know what you all mean about telling the "Fam", alot of my family are in total denial that depression is legitament. If I would just quit telling myself all these bad things I'd be just fine. I finally made a list of all the things I had done to help myself get well and it was amazing the effort I have put into this process over the past 10 years, not to mention the money I have spent. The guilt overwhelms me sometimes, I feel so worthless and ashamed that I have been unable to pull myself up outta of this black hole I fall into. I finally joined a support group and at least have a place to talk about how it feels to be depressed. Good luck to all of you, this is hard to deal with...
> My staff and I had a retreat last Friday, during the afternoon of conversation about how things were going at work, two said they thought I had been angry at them because I had started isolating from them and they wanted to know why. I had to 'fess up and tell them I was still working on this depression, I was on ADs, I have been suicidal, and yes I was isolating but it was from everything, not just them and not to worry because my isolating had nothing to do with their job performance. They were very accepting and some could relate stories about how they thought some in their families might have depression also. I still felt rather humiliated. I have had to try to explain to them what depression feels like. Now I think they're worried about me, which is the last thing I want. Work is a stressful-enough place without having to worry that their boss might off herself...
>
> My dad thinks I'm a "level-headed girl" with my feet on the ground. He's also a frugal man and a pseudo Christian Scientist, so he sees no need for spending money on docs or drugs. Everyone else in my family is dead. He's it. So I have to look elsewhere for support.
>
> I have told a number of people about my depression, my psychiatrist and my meds -- mostly friends. Some near-strangers understand completely because they're going through it too, and some very close friends and family members don't understand at all and think I should just think happy thoughts, drop-kick the shrink and dump the meds. There's no guessing what the reaction will be.
Posted by JohnL on August 31, 2000, at 4:48:44
In reply to keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by T~ on August 29, 2000, at 9:14:54
> i really dont have an answer for this but i have been keeping my doctor visits and being on celexa a secret from my family and friends, kids included.
> i guess part of me doesnt want them to treat me differently, i suppose that is the biggest reason.
>
> anyone one else out there feeling the way i am?
> support is needed
> T~Yeah, I hear you. Actually my closest family members are aware of my depression, though I keep them removed from knowing when I see a doctor and stuff like that. I take my medication at times when people are in another room. They are understanding, yet impotent, at being able to help. So I've found it best for a variety of reasons to leave my loved ones out of the loop. There's nothing they can do anyway, and I don't want them to feel the pain, suffering, and frustration of the whole process.
With friends and co-workers, I keep my depression and medication strictly secret. No one knows. There are just too many stigmas and negative reactions that could occur. If a company ever needs to lay off workers for example, I would bet those with known psychiatric problems would be the first to go. I know that's discrimination, but they'll find some excuse to get around it. Happens all the time.
Though some people would disagree, I agree with you completely. It is a personal struggle, and in reality there is very little any one can do to help. If one needs to talk, it is best done with a counselor, not a family member, friends, or co-workers. Our loved ones do not have the knowledge or training to be able to handle it. And even in their best efforts, they usually end up saying all the wrong things that results in you feeling even worse.
John
Posted by noa on August 31, 2000, at 17:34:09
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by JohnL on August 31, 2000, at 4:48:44
> >If one needs to talk, it is best done with a counselor, not a family member, friends, or co-workers. Our loved ones do not have the knowledge or training to be able to handle it.
To me, the important thing is that each of us uses our judgment in deciding whom to tell, who among friends or family will be able to handle it and be helpful, and who will not. There is no one formula, in my opinion.
Posted by allisonm on August 31, 2000, at 18:29:43
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by noa on August 31, 2000, at 17:34:09
Good point, Noa.
I find that when my depression is at its worst, there's no way I can hide it from anyone -- boss, dad, friend, it doesn't matter. They all sense things are wrong. When they ask me if I'm alright, I tell them no and tell them why. If I say I'm fine, they'll know I'm lying and wonder and worry more, so I tell them. If I'm OK or so-so, I hide it and I talk about it only if someone else brings it up.
Allison
Posted by noa on August 31, 2000, at 19:01:35
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by allisonm on August 31, 2000, at 18:29:43
> I find that when my depression is at its worst, there's no way I can hide it from anyone --
Yes, for me, although I had told my parents about my depression years ago, I hadn't discussed it in about 14 years. But, things got so bad last year, I did tell them. At that point, it seemed the only logical thing to do. They also had mellowed a lot over the years, and have been quite supportive, even if it is in a somewhat limited way, ie, the way they know how.
But they have also helped me out of some financial jams this past year, because my depression did make it hard for me to go after a second job, which I needed becasue of not having full time hours at my main job.
But their support has gone beyond that, they have related to the whole thing like an illness, I guess becasue by now they are more aware of the phenomenon, having known other people who have dealt with depression, and becasue they are avid newspaper readers and tv news watchers.
I guess it really has helped a lot that the media has done more education over recent years about all of this.
Posted by quilter on September 1, 2000, at 23:58:28
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by noa on August 31, 2000, at 19:01:35
I realized, when reading this thread, that I did not remember when my family had learned about my depression. They must have paid my dr. bills when I was still in college, so I guess it must have been more than 25 years ago. My family lives half-way across the US from me but is one of my support systems anyway.
In the years since I (oldest of 6 kids) was first diagnosed, my sisters Susan, Beth, and Diane have also faced the beast. None of us has found good, lasting relief through any of the treatments available at this time, and I think it will just be a matter of time before one of us succeeds with the only permanent end to our illness. Our children are also suffering from a surprising munber of mental illnesses. If we were not aware of each others' suffering, not told about the genetic component of our problems, our pain and the Guilt depression carries would be much worse.
I know that being able, at least some of the time, to recognize my weaknesses and failures as having a biological component makes them a little easier to accept. I do not believe that keeping my illness a secret from my friends would do either of us any good. People who have no idea what this does to your life will not be able to support you or other sufferers in their lives if we continue to act as if the betrayal of our biochemical makeup is a shameful thing. Work relationships are more difficult, for all the reasons mentioned above. You must trust your instincts there. I have been unemployed for more years than I really want to think about. I am fortunate to have a loving husband who supports me in so many ways... sigh... Quilter
Posted by paul on September 2, 2000, at 1:12:51
In reply to keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by T~ on August 29, 2000, at 9:14:54
i've never considered this kind of information anybody else's damn business because all it does is raise whatever specter they may currently hold pertinent to whatever you are being treated for. you have ZERO control over what they do/do not understand awa thier feelings/fears relative to your newly-revealed depression or whatever. this can also lead to the infinitely sticky "why did you wait until now to tell me?" which is a pandora's box and has no answer except to say that it isn't any of thier business which will most likely do little to positively further the situation. the people who need to know are the professionals you deal with and that rare person who might actually understand what you mean. as an example-do i tell people i'm a recovering drug addict? no. i simply state that, "yeah-i had my wild years too." hope this helps.
p(c(l))
Posted by LucindaLinda on September 2, 2000, at 1:33:40
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by paul on September 2, 2000, at 1:12:51
> i've never considered this kind of information anybody else's damn business
Coming to that conclusion myself :o) Everyone has their own set of problems anyway, so why bother them with my sad story...especially since I am not particularly close to family of origin. My kids kinda know but they remember the mom that could do everything and it is hard for them, they have lives of their own.
One of the things I have been researching is the part mercury poisoning (from my "Silver dental work)might play in my depression and Fibromyalgia. As money comes available I am having them all replaced with white composites but since I have been unable to work for the past 10 years, money takes it's time becoming available.
But to get back to the subject there are lots of really wonderful supportive people in this world, just got to search them out if they don't happen to be in the family....
Posted by michael on September 2, 2000, at 2:13:17
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by LucindaLinda on September 2, 2000, at 1:33:40
The bottom line is be VERY careful who you trust w/this type of info.
It can be a good thing, if they can understand/support/empathize, etc.
However, it could be something you truly regret too. I personally tend to lean toward family/friends - maybe, it's a judgement call. Work - bad idea.
just my opinion - as usual, right in the middle, non-commital...
> > i've never considered this kind of information anybody else's damn business
>
> Coming to that conclusion myself :o) Everyone has their own set of problems anyway, so why bother them with my sad story...especially since I am not particularly close to family of origin. My kids kinda know but they remember the mom that could do everything and it is hard for them, they have lives of their own.
>
> One of the things I have been researching is the part mercury poisoning (from my "Silver dental work)might play in my depression and Fibromyalgia. As money comes available I am having them all replaced with white composites but since I have been unable to work for the past 10 years, money takes it's time becoming available.
>
> But to get back to the subject there are lots of really wonderful supportive people in this world, just got to search them out if they don't happen to be in the family....
Posted by Terry Lynn on September 2, 2000, at 13:56:42
In reply to Re: keeping taking antidepressants a secret.., posted by michael on September 2, 2000, at 2:13:17
It is hard to share personal info., like seeing a phyciatrist,therapist, or taking meds. I'm not embarressed or do I feel bad about seeking help for my depression or even taking meds for it. I can't cope without the help, I feel anyone who has negative things to say about it, has a bigger problem than I. I have found sharing this type of information with loved ones (My boyfriend, for example) tends to backfire in my face. I have alot of support and understanding until an argument comes up. then that info. is used to try to put me down. " You're crazy" My fav, "Why don't you take another crazy pill?" At first it used to hurt, then it made me mad, now it makes me think he's an ignorant SOB. It's a judgement call as mentioned in above message, but be prepared for negativity, but don't let that stop you from doing what you think you need to do!! It won't hurt them, only you. But, on the other hand there are some great people who will support you and the others can, well never mind, but ignore them, it's just ignorance. Don't worry about them. Lean toward your supporters. I think there are alot of really wonderful, caring people on this Web site. I have a few E-mail buddies that contacted me through this Web site.It is great to have someone who is going through similar experiences. That has been of great help to me. Don't rule out family & friends however, they can be some of your best supporters. Just be prepared and don't take into account negativity others may dish out to you. Brush it off. Good Luck. Terry Lynn
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