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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tina on July 31, 2000, at 15:16:00
Hi everybody: I am so pissed off today. I have been riding a really good high lately, for about 11 days since having my meds increased but today, I'm starting to crash. I have been finding it hard to concentrate, focus and I'm tired and irritable and depressed. I feel stupid and pathetic. Why can't the high's just keep going? Why do I always have to come crashing down into the pit again? I thought I got off that roller coaster finally but here it is again. I just want to scream obcenities at the top of my lungs and pull my hair out. Gone back to the cutting thing too and all last night I thought about ways to "get hurt" I was away this weekend and I waterskied and went swimming in the lake and I was going over and over in my head most of the night how if I had just let go of the rope closer to the dock I could have smashed into the cement moorings and bashed my head in or broken a leg or something. Same with the swimming. There were so many power boats in the water and jet-skis and I was thinking if I just duck under the water maybe they'll run me over and chop me into little pieces. I don't really want any of this to happen, I just haven't thought about physical harm in a while and now it's back.
Will it improve again or is my med pooping out on me.
900mgs of moclobemide BTW is what I take and 2mgs of clonazepam spread out over the day. I start therapy next week but I have little hope in that regard. I've been through it before, 4 times and it ain't helped yet.
Just had to ramble, thanks to anyone who read the whole thing.
Love you guys
Tina
PS---sorry G, had enough on your plate today
Posted by Janice on July 31, 2000, at 17:02:32
In reply to What's With This Anyway--Damn!, posted by tina on July 31, 2000, at 15:16:00
hi tina,
I think I'm beginning to notice a pattern in your moods. The highs don't keep going, you know that song, 'What goes up, must come down' or is that the law of gravity (excuse my silliness). Anyway whatever it is, it works for moods too. Sometimes, many times, I wish psychiatrists would err on the side of hyperthymic more often.
Well I'm sorry you have to experience these feelings of wanting to hurt yourself. I have too. Even though I knew too, I didn't really want to hurt myself. Maybe they are closer to obssessive thoughts that produce alot of guilt and shame. I would try not to take them too seriously-it just makes things worse for yourself. That is unless you begin to have impulses to act on them.
Maybe some mood stabilizers would help Tina. My pleasure to listen. I strongly dislike therapy also. I hope you keep a mood journal.
I hope you have a good psychiatrist Tina,
take care and let us know how you are doing, Janice
Posted by Kath on July 31, 2000, at 17:19:03
In reply to What's With This Anyway--Damn!, posted by tina on July 31, 2000, at 15:16:00
Hi Tina - I've been away alot & am sorry to read you're feeling so crummy. I wish I had a magic wand to wave to help you feel better.
I haven't any words of wisdom but here are my feelings: I feel scared when I hear your self-hurting thoughts. I wish only the best for you because that's what you deserve. I'm selfish in that I want you in my life. I wish you could feel the warmth that I feel just from thinking about you. I hope that you soon are feeling more on the 'upswing' side of the ups & downs.
I send you massive hugs. Love, Kath
Posted by shar on July 31, 2000, at 22:59:35
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway--Damn! to TINA, posted by Kath on July 31, 2000, at 17:19:03
Tina,
When I am depressed (for many years before meds) I constantly think of ways to put myself in harm's way or commit suicide. I think it was really due to feeling so down PLUS partly a habit. Maybe it felt like a way out so I wouldn't have to stay in the black pit forever.So, I understand how you feel, and how much you must be hurting. I know you know it will pass, I also know it is horrible waiting for it to pass.
You are so giving, and responsive, and caring to others, I wish you could pass some of that on to your heart of hearts.
Wishing you well. Hang on!
Shar
Posted by KarenB on August 1, 2000, at 3:05:50
In reply to What's With This Anyway--Damn!, posted by tina on July 31, 2000, at 15:16:00
> Hi everybody: I am so pissed off today. I have been riding a really good high lately, for about 11 days since having my meds increased but today, I'm starting to crash. I have been finding it hard to concentrate, focus and I'm tired and irritable and depressed. I feel stupid and pathetic. Why can't the high's just keep going? Why do I always have to come crashing down into the pit again? I thought I got off that roller coaster finally but here it is again. I just want to scream obcenities at the top of my lungs and pull my hair out. Gone back to the cutting thing too and all last night I thought about ways to "get hurt" I was away this weekend and I waterskied and went swimming in the lake and I was going over and over in my head most of the night how if I had just let go of the rope closer to the dock I could have smashed into the cement moorings and bashed my head in or broken a leg or something. Same with the swimming. There were so many power boats in the water and jet-skis and I was thinking if I just duck under the water maybe they'll run me over and chop me into little pieces. I don't really want any of this to happen, I just haven't thought about physical harm in a while and now it's back.
> Will it improve again or is my med pooping out on me.
> 900mgs of moclobemide BTW is what I take and 2mgs of clonazepam spread out over the day. I start therapy next week but I have little hope in that regard. I've been through it before, 4 times and it ain't helped yet.
> Just had to ramble, thanks to anyone who read the whole thing.
> Love you guys
> Tina
> PS---sorry G, had enough on your plate todayTina,
This wouldn't be one week before your period, would it? I don't mean to make light of your situation but for me, PMS is no laughing matter. When it is bad, it is very, very bad. During those times, I even feel as if I want to hurt others and myself and I do not normally have that group of symptoms. Sometimes it takes every bit of restraint not to. Last month, I was completely disabled by it for four straight days, this month was no problem whatsoever.
I have another appt with my GYN on Wednesday to have my regular exam and talk about hormone therapy. I had a biopsy last week and it was normal, thank God. We'll see what happens this week.
Hope that whatever is going on with you is not med poop-out and will pass, QUICKLY.
Take it easy on yourself, girl. Let some things go, be kind to yourself and get some rest. Whatever is wrong, rest is never a bad idea.
Karen
Posted by tina on August 1, 2000, at 7:10:37
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway » tina, posted by KarenB on August 1, 2000, at 3:05:50
This is actually no where near my period but thanks for caring.
> > Hi everybody: I am so pissed off today. I have been riding a really good high lately, for about 11 days since having my meds increased but today, I'm starting to crash. I have been finding it hard to concentrate, focus and I'm tired and irritable and depressed. I feel stupid and pathetic. Why can't the high's just keep going? Why do I always have to come crashing down into the pit again? I thought I got off that roller coaster finally but here it is again. I just want to scream obcenities at the top of my lungs and pull my hair out. Gone back to the cutting thing too and all last night I thought about ways to "get hurt" I was away this weekend and I waterskied and went swimming in the lake and I was going over and over in my head most of the night how if I had just let go of the rope closer to the dock I could have smashed into the cement moorings and bashed my head in or broken a leg or something. Same with the swimming. There were so many power boats in the water and jet-skis and I was thinking if I just duck under the water maybe they'll run me over and chop me into little pieces. I don't really want any of this to happen, I just haven't thought about physical harm in a while and now it's back.
> > Will it improve again or is my med pooping out on me.
> > 900mgs of moclobemide BTW is what I take and 2mgs of clonazepam spread out over the day. I start therapy next week but I have little hope in that regard. I've been through it before, 4 times and it ain't helped yet.
> > Just had to ramble, thanks to anyone who read the whole thing.
> > Love you guys
> > Tina
> > PS---sorry G, had enough on your plate today
>
> Tina,
>
> This wouldn't be one week before your period, would it? I don't mean to make light of your situation but for me, PMS is no laughing matter. When it is bad, it is very, very bad. During those times, I even feel as if I want to hurt others and myself and I do not normally have that group of symptoms. Sometimes it takes every bit of restraint not to. Last month, I was completely disabled by it for four straight days, this month was no problem whatsoever.
>
> I have another appt with my GYN on Wednesday to have my regular exam and talk about hormone therapy. I had a biopsy last week and it was normal, thank God. We'll see what happens this week.
>
> Hope that whatever is going on with you is not med poop-out and will pass, QUICKLY.
>
> Take it easy on yourself, girl. Let some things go, be kind to yourself and get some rest. Whatever is wrong, rest is never a bad idea.
>
> Karen
Posted by tina on August 1, 2000, at 11:24:42
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway, Damn! ---TINA, posted by shar on July 31, 2000, at 22:59:35
Thanks for all your kind thoughts guys and gals. It means a lot to have so many people care.
An update: today's worse than yesterday. I did sleep last night but had dreams of being hurt or killed and found them strangely comforting. I was thinking of taking a bike ride into on-coming traffic today. I am oddly not afraid of this, is that a bad sign? I actually look forward to a day that a car swerves out of control and "takes me out" or I forget to look both ways before crossing and get creamed. Maybe even a nasty virus or bacteria will claim me. It really doesn't scare me. I think I''ve lost my fight, I'm too tired. Just when I get a handle on this depression, it comes back with a vengeance. I am so tired that I don't even care anymore. i am no longer going to look forward to the day the depression stops, it's never going to. The light at the end of the tunnel flickers on and off and I just can't look at it anymore, it's hurting my eyes. I'm not going to walk in that tunnel anymore. I'm just going to lie down, close my eyes and sleep. I give up. Too tired to fight anymore.
Posted by mark on August 1, 2000, at 15:04:03
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway, Damn!, posted by tina on August 1, 2000, at 11:24:42
Hi Tina,
I'm new to the board so I don't know ya, but I still want to send you a great big hug.
I can empathize a little bit with what you're going through lately. I got on some new
meds and really felt great for a while. I'm sure everyone knows the rap "These are great!
Finally the one that's going to work! Blahblahblah" And then, wham! I'm down again. And I
lay in bed thinking, "Ok God, I'm ready. Take me now. I'm tired of dealing with it." or
I'm driving to work and think about crashing into a pole or something. And if I hear one
more person say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I'm going to come un-glued!But deep down inside there's this little glimmer of hope. It lets me know that I'm going to
be ok. And when I hold onto it someone smiles at me, or says something kind, or whatever. And
I know it's going to be ok. I just know that it will be ok.
> Thanks for all your kind thoughts guys and gals. It means a lot to have so many people care.
> An update: today's worse than yesterday. I did sleep last night but had dreams of being hurt or killed and found them strangely comforting. I was thinking of taking a bike ride into on-coming traffic today. I am oddly not afraid of this, is that a bad sign? I actually look forward to a day that a car swerves out of control and "takes me out" or I forget to look both ways before crossing and get creamed. Maybe even a nasty virus or bacteria will claim me. It really doesn't scare me. I think I''ve lost my fight, I'm too tired. Just when I get a handle on this depression, it comes back with a vengeance. I am so tired that I don't even care anymore. i am no longer going to look forward to the day the depression stops, it's never going to. The light at the end of the tunnel flickers on and off and I just can't look at it anymore, it's hurting my eyes. I'm not going to walk in that tunnel anymore. I'm just going to lie down, close my eyes and sleep. I give up. Too tired to fight anymore.
Posted by tina on August 1, 2000, at 17:05:37
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway, Damn!, posted by mark on August 1, 2000, at 15:04:03
Thanks Mark. I felt like such a hypocrite answering your down day post with a "light at the end of the tunnel" speech and then I fell into a big nasty hole of my own. I really appreciate the big hug and "new" people are always welcome here especially when they care as much as you do. thank you
Have a peaceful day
Tina
PS: I hate the "whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger" crap too!Hi Tina,
>
> I'm new to the board so I don't know ya, but I still want to send you a great big hug.
>
> I can empathize a little bit with what you're going through lately. I got on some new
> meds and really felt great for a while. I'm sure everyone knows the rap "These are great!
> Finally the one that's going to work! Blahblahblah" And then, wham! I'm down again. And I
> lay in bed thinking, "Ok God, I'm ready. Take me now. I'm tired of dealing with it." or
> I'm driving to work and think about crashing into a pole or something. And if I hear one
> more person say, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger" I'm going to come un-glued!
>
> But deep down inside there's this little glimmer of hope. It lets me know that I'm going to
> be ok. And when I hold onto it someone smiles at me, or says something kind, or whatever. And
> I know it's going to be ok. I just know that it will be ok.
>
>
> > Thanks for all your kind thoughts guys and gals. It means a lot to have so many people care.
> > An update: today's worse than yesterday. I did sleep last night but had dreams of being hurt or killed and found them strangely comforting. I was thinking of taking a bike ride into on-coming traffic today. I am oddly not afraid of this, is that a bad sign? I actually look forward to a day that a car swerves out of control and "takes me out" or I forget to look both ways before crossing and get creamed. Maybe even a nasty virus or bacteria will claim me. It really doesn't scare me. I think I''ve lost my fight, I'm too tired. Just when I get a handle on this depression, it comes back with a vengeance. I am so tired that I don't even care anymore. i am no longer going to look forward to the day the depression stops, it's never going to. The light at the end of the tunnel flickers on and off and I just can't look at it anymore, it's hurting my eyes. I'm not going to walk in that tunnel anymore. I'm just going to lie down, close my eyes and sleep. I give up. Too tired to fight anymore.
Posted by Janice on August 1, 2000, at 17:59:43
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway, Damn! » mark, posted by tina on August 1, 2000, at 17:05:37
Hi Tina,
You haven't lost your fight (it feels more like a war sometimes), you're just taking a break. Tina, I'm guessing you're like me and what you have is from your biology. I wish you could be easy on yourself and not beat yourself up for the terrible symptoms you experience. They are just emotional symptoms from a biologically based illness. I'll give you some hope - I am almost embarrassed to admit to my history - trichotillomania (since 5), ADHD (discovered at 32), anorexia from 12 to 28 (varying degrees), Bipolar I rapid cycling, PTSD, then anxiety, panic, major hyperchondria (many trips to emergency in teen years).
Today I feel fantastic, I still experience the ADHD, but I'm working on that with my naturopath (food allergies) and I feel tendancies towards some of the other disorders but I feel absolutely…completely… GREAT! Did it take alot of work, yes. Did it take a long time, yes. Was it worth it, do I need to answer, YES! Will they come back, maybe some depression - yick. I'm just hanging around PB because I'm living with my brother here in Calgary, and have absolutely no life or friends here.
I think sleeping is a pretty harmless way to pass a bad mood - hmmmmmm, but this does sound like rapid cycling to me Tina. I am going to be in your part of the world (Toronto) tomorrow or the next day. Please don't fight, just let it pass, sleep, but of course don't act on it. There is hope, lots of hope. A former well-medicated nut, Janice :~)
ps 95% of getting better for me consisted of finding the right medications and the right amount of medications
plus I take excellent care of myself ,5%
Posted by Janice on August 2, 2000, at 15:33:19
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway, Damn!, posted by Janice on August 1, 2000, at 17:59:43
> Hi Tina,
>
Hope you're okay today! If I stop responding to your posts abruptly, it just means I've gone to the airport. I'm waiting for my brother to take me. Thinking of you, Janice
Posted by NikkiT2 on August 3, 2000, at 5:40:44
In reply to What's With This Anyway--Damn!, posted by tina on July 31, 2000, at 15:16:00
*gives you a huge great hug now she can post on PB again*
Tina, I know exactly what you meant in your post.. I spoke to my pdoc about those kinda thoughts... the "I don't want to kill myself, but I wish something else would". I felt too much guilt to try suicide, but there wouldn't be that guilt if someone or something wiped me out - it wouldn't be my fault then would it.
Even though I feel so much better, I'm still very un bothered about dying - I can take it or leave it kinda feeling. Most people find that so hard to undrstand.
Wish there was a way to get you back to being bright again. Just hang in there. The lights gone out now, but there *are* things for you to look ahead to aren't there... It hurts so damned much - that crash after a high though (I'm also terrified I'm gonna crash any time soon).
I'm here if you need anyone hun. Try not to hurt too much - maybe a not so damaging kind of hurting. I found rubbing constantly with a sponge till my arms was red was pretty good... gave the feelings, without lasting damage.
Take care
N xxx
Posted by quilter on August 3, 2000, at 23:12:05
In reply to Re: What's With This Anyway--Damn!, posted by NikkiT2 on August 3, 2000, at 5:40:44
Afraid I,m in the same boat. Don't want to be hurt, just dead..... Quilter
This is the end of the thread.
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