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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 20:25:28
Hey guys, I really don't need any advice or anything. I
know the drill: go to the ER or see my doc asap.It's just that I'm really losing patience with
everything. With myself, with my doc & therapist, with
life.It's to the point again that I want to say "F*ck it"
and eat my 12 gauge.At my day treatment, all the patients who entered the program
when I did are now long gone. Back to their real lives.
My schedule has been changed from full days to half days
but I can't even get my butt out of bed to be there every
day.I'm just plain old tired of it.
Posted by JanetR on April 7, 2000, at 21:18:09
In reply to cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 20:25:28
> Hey guys, I really don't need any advice or anything. I
> know the drill: go to the ER or see my doc asap.
>
> It's just that I'm really losing patience with
> everything. With myself, with my doc & therapist, with
> life.
>
> It's to the point again that I want to say "F*ck it"
> and eat my 12 gauge.
>
> At my day treatment, all the patients who entered the program
> when I did are now long gone. Back to their real lives.
> My schedule has been changed from full days to half days
> but I can't even get my butt out of bed to be there every
> day.
>
> I'm just plain old tired of it.Dear Harry , my systems went down so I've been off the net and I missed you all and I must have missed some posts. May I ask about your friend ? Are you still friends? I know it's a struggle and there are no pat answers . Take care . Can you get hold of anyone to talk to? Keep in there . Perhaps tomorrow you'll feel better . Love Jan
Posted by michael on April 7, 2000, at 21:29:30
In reply to cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 20:25:28
> Hey guys, I really don't need any advice or anything. I
> know the drill: go to the ER or see my doc asap.
>
> It's just that I'm really losing patience with
> everything. With myself, with my doc & therapist, with
> life.
>
> It's to the point again that I want to say "F*ck it"
> and eat my 12 gauge.
>
> At my day treatment, all the patients who entered the program
> when I did are now long gone. Back to their real lives.
> My schedule has been changed from full days to half days
> but I can't even get my butt out of bed to be there every
> day.
>
> I'm just plain old tired of it.Hey Harry,
I know that the "encouraging words" can get old and tired too... And it's always a lot easier to hand them out, than it is to hear them, have confidence in them, and to try to believe them...
But like you said, you know the drill, and you know that this is a low point in the cycle, and that it WILL get better again... You gotta remember that part of it. Of course, it seems as if it's never as soon as we would like...
I'm sorry I don't have any "real" advice to offer, but you know this part too... There are a lot of people here that are keeping you in their thoughts - keep us in the loop.
From a selfish perspective, we need your input & contributions around here... I know that I don't have much to say, or any great wisdom to impart, but as frustrating as this stuff gets, I know that you can make it to the next part of the cycle. michael
*****vaguely related after-thought*****
Btw, my friend's dad is from abroad, and american english wasn't his first "dialect" - He apparently has a few brittish (i think) phrases that he uses occassionally. It seems that the brittish (I think) refer to the chin as the 'pecker'.When my friend is feeling kind of down, and his dad tells him to "keep his chin up" - it sounds kind of amusing... So Harry, "Keep your pecker up!"
(hope everybody can see the humor, and hope no one's offended) Now that I think of it, I hope you're american Harry, otherwise that last bit kind of loses the intended effect...
Posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 21:56:42
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by JanetR on April 7, 2000, at 21:18:09
> Dear Harry , my systems went down so I've been off the net and I missed you all and I must have missed some posts. May I ask about your friend ? Are you still friends? I know it's a struggle and there are no pat answers . Take care . Can you get hold of anyone to talk to? Keep in there . Perhaps tomorrow you'll feel better . Love Jan
Hello, dear Janet. I'm glad you are back. Yes, the
guy I met in the hospital is still a friend, but
I've backed off a bit. Today was his birthday, I
sent a card. He called today, but I did not want
to unload on him so I did not answer (caller ID).No, no one to talk to. And tomorrow will probably
be a repeat of today: stay in bed all day & cry.Thanks for your concern.
Posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 22:21:02
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by michael on April 7, 2000, at 21:29:30
> Hey Harry,
>
> I know that the "encouraging words" can get old and tired too... And it's always a lot easier to hand them out, than it is to hear them, have confidence in them, and to try to believe them...
>
> But like you said, you know the drill, and you know that this is a low point in the cycle, and that it WILL get better again... You gotta remember that part of it. Of course, it seems as if it's never as soon as we would like...
>
> I'm sorry I don't have any "real" advice to offer, but you know this part too... There are a lot of people here that are keeping you in their thoughts - keep us in the loop.
>
> From a selfish perspective, we need your input & contributions around here... I know that I don't have much to say, or any great wisdom to impart, but as frustrating as this stuff gets, I know that you can make it to the next part of the cycle. michael
>
>
>
> *****vaguely related after-thought*****
> Btw, my friend's dad is from abroad, and american english wasn't his first "dialect" - He apparently has a few brittish (i think) phrases that he uses occassionally. It seems that the brittish (I think) refer to the chin as the 'pecker'.
>
> When my friend is feeling kind of down, and his dad tells him to "keep his chin up" - it sounds kind of amusing... So Harry, "Keep your pecker up!"
>
> (hope everybody can see the humor, and hope no one's offended) Now that I think of it, I hope you're american Harry, otherwise that last bit kind of loses the intended effect...***************************************************
Hi Michael, thank you for your reply and also for
the humor (yes, I'm from the USA).Yeah, I've been here before. But I'm getting really
tired of ending up here. It's been happening too
often.
Take care, Michael.
Posted by ChrisK on April 8, 2000, at 6:37:43
In reply to cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 20:25:28
Harry,
I've followed your posts and know that you have been through a lot lately. Yes, you are in that place where you need to contact emegency help if you are thinking about the gun in the mouth way of helping the problem. It really doesn't work that way - take it from a two time suicide failure. I have found my level ground over the past two years. It is out there and you can find yours.
Please stay with us and let us know how you are doing.
Chris
Posted by Sherry on April 8, 2000, at 6:48:38
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 22:21:02
Harry,
Aren't you tapering off the Serzone? Just think the next medication you try may very well do the trick for you; you must hold on to hope. I am always amazed at the success stories of people who have been terribly depressed for many years, and all of a sudden they find the right medication to restore them to themselves again. That seems to be our only hope and we must keep trying. Until that day comes, we have each other to lean on. I know how frustrating it is. I want to be a success story *NOW*, and I don't want to keep trying medication. But..... if we hang in there, the answer has to be getting closer through trial and error. Please keep trying, and know that you are in my prayers.
>
> > Hey Harry,
> >
> > I know that the "encouraging words" can get old and tired too... And it's always a lot easier to hand them out, than it is to hear them, have confidence in them, and to try to believe them...
> >
> > But like you said, you know the drill, and you know that this is a low point in the cycle, and that it WILL get better again... You gotta remember that part of it. Of course, it seems as if it's never as soon as we would like...
> >
> > I'm sorry I don't have any "real" advice to offer, but you know this part too... There are a lot of people here that are keeping you in their thoughts - keep us in the loop.
> >
> > From a selfish perspective, we need your input & contributions around here... I know that I don't have much to say, or any great wisdom to impart, but as frustrating as this stuff gets, I know that you can make it to the next part of the cycle. michael
> >
> >
> >
> > *****vaguely related after-thought*****
> > Btw, my friend's dad is from abroad, and american english wasn't his first "dialect" - He apparently has a few brittish (i think) phrases that he uses occassionally. It seems that the brittish (I think) refer to the chin as the 'pecker'.
> >
> > When my friend is feeling kind of down, and his dad tells him to "keep his chin up" - it sounds kind of amusing... So Harry, "Keep your pecker up!"
> >
> > (hope everybody can see the humor, and hope no one's offended) Now that I think of it, I hope you're american Harry, otherwise that last bit kind of loses the intended effect...
>
> ***************************************************
> Hi Michael, thank you for your reply and also for
> the humor (yes, I'm from the USA).
>
> Yeah, I've been here before. But I'm getting really
> tired of ending up here. It's been happening too
> often.
> Take care, Michael.
Posted by Noa on April 8, 2000, at 14:23:10
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by Sherry on April 8, 2000, at 6:48:38
harry,
Please don't measure yourself against the others. Trust my experience, when we do that, we are guaranteed to come out feeling less than. And besides, your day treatment time was lengthened because you didn't have the right medication for you. Many of us know the frustration of that.
BTW, where are you with your meds? If you are in medication no man's land, ie, tapering off but not up to therapeutic dose on the next one, this could be contributing to your depression.
I can relate to the feelings of demoralization. This is hard work, trying to get better. And when it is slow and arduous, and backslides sometimes, it is hard to muster up the *optimism*, of all things, that we need to do this work of getting better.
Harry, do you need to go to the hospital?
Harry, YOU NEED TO GET SOMEONE TO TAKE THE GUN OR GUNS OUT OF YOUR REACH. End of lecture.
Harry, I want you keep yourself safe because there is the possibility it will get better. Please.
Posted by AprilA. on April 8, 2000, at 19:13:39
In reply to cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 20:25:28
> Hey guys, I really don't need any advice or anything. I
> know the drill: go to the ER or see my doc asap.
>
> It's just that I'm really losing patience with
> everything. With myself, with my doc & therapist, with
> life.
>
> It's to the point again that I want to say "F*ck it"
> and eat my 12 gauge.
>
> At my day treatment, all the patients who entered the program
> when I did are now long gone. Back to their real lives.
> My schedule has been changed from full days to half days
> but I can't even get my butt out of bed to be there every
> day.
>
> I'm just plain old tired of it.Hi Harry- I don't have any advice or anything much to offer. I am thinking of you and hoping you made it through the day. I know you're tired but do please hold on a little longer.
I'm not going to lecture you , but you know Noa is right about getting rid of the gun. And if you can't do that, get out of your house and away from it.
I really don't know what to say but I always like seeing lots of yellow flags on the board even when I don't read them so I guess I'll post this anyway. What you're going through is real and painful and I can tell you're exhausted but don't let go yet. Hope you'll post soon and let everyone how you are.
Good good wishes,AprilA.
Posted by bob on April 8, 2000, at 22:56:46
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by AprilA. on April 8, 2000, at 19:13:39
Well, harry, I **was** going to give you this wonderful new bit of advice ...
Go to the gun store. Bring your 12 gauge and all your shells. And anything else in the firearms category for that matter (you don't have any explosives? Napalm? Weapons of Mass Destruction? Nuclear Devices? ... the bigger the bang, the more polite the name).
And sell them.
Then go and buy yourself some ice cream. Or do something impulsive and fun with the money.
You know you can do this -- just motivate, man. How else can you possibly give Saint James the kick in the butt he so deservedly needs to make sure he follows through on that echo cardiogram?
We need you around here, harry -- c'mon and help the rest of us be selfish on this, okay?
hang tough,
bob
Posted by michael on April 9, 2000, at 5:43:48
In reply to Dagnabit! Noa beat me to it ... (again), posted by bob on April 8, 2000, at 22:56:46
> Well, harry, I **was** going to give you this wonderful new bit of advice ...
>
> Go to the gun store. Bring your 12 gauge and all your shells. And anything else in the firearms category for that matter (you don't have any explosives? Napalm? Weapons of Mass Destruction? Nuclear Devices? ... the bigger the bang, the more polite the name).
>
> And sell them.
>
> Then go and buy yourself some ice cream. Or do something impulsive and fun with the money.
>
> You know you can do this -- just motivate, man. How else can you possibly give Saint James the kick in the butt he so deservedly needs to make sure he follows through on that echo cardiogram?
>
> We need you around here, harry -- c'mon and help the rest of us be selfish on this, okay?
>
> hang tough,
> bobHey Harry,
It's me agian, and unfortuantely, still no great words of wisdom to share - If I had 'em, believe me, I'd spread 'em around.
On the less deep, more practical side - I have to admit, my first thought when I wrote you last time was in the same vein as what bob & noa said...
You scared me a bit with the 12 guage comment, and I really wanted to say "Harry, you don't need one of those around the house - none of us do... but especially those of us who fight these kinds of battles" (NO pun intended! - believe it or not)
I don't mean to be an alarmist, but I think bob's right, ice cream is a much, MUCH better idea!
You're obviously an adult, and gonna do whaterver you want, w/respect to the gun, but personally, I wish you'd trade it in for several gallons - I'd recommend custard though, it's richer, and worse for you, but I like the taste better (and I think you will too)...
Honestly Harry, I hope you'll think about it seriously. If not ice cream or custard, go w/cd's, or whatever...
All kidding aside, we don't mean to meddle and tell you what to do, but then again, I guess we do. Believe it or not, it's not an anti-NRA plot, we just care about you!
I hope I don't sound too glib - it's late, and past my bedtime, but honestly... seriously, I hope you'll think about it.
If you've got as diverse a bunch of guys as bob, noa and me thinking along the same lines, there might actually be something to it.
Hope I don't sound too goofy, Harry, like I said - it's way past my bedtime, but I hope you'll think about what we've said... If you want to compromise, skip what bob said about the napalm - keep that, but ditch the 12 gauge.
Posted by CarolAnn on April 9, 2000, at 11:16:40
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 7, 2000, at 22:21:02
Harry, I am so sorry that I haven't been reading this thread. I've been too caught up in my own petty little problems to take the time. Shame on me!!!
I want you to know that I have been exactly where you are, even with regard to the shotgun(it's from my husband's hunting days). I actually got to the point where I was not only mentally writing suicide notes, but had even planned that I would use the shotgun in the shower stall, so that the mess would be easier for "whoever" to clean up!
It's hard when you know that you need someone to talk to, but there just isn't anyone. But you can come here, and if you want I will set up a specific time to "meet" you here and we can talk back and forth(I think it should work by using the refresh thing). One other thing, no matter how low you go, try to remember that depression is not about "you" personally. You are a valuable human being, who just happens to have a brain glitch. When I start to sink, instead of attacking myself for being like this, I just keep thinking over and over, "it's just a brain glitch, it's just a brain glitch". My soul is sending comfort to your soul, I hope you feel it soon. CarolAnn
Posted by bob on April 9, 2000, at 12:18:15
In reply to Re: Forgive me, harry b....., posted by CarolAnn on April 9, 2000, at 11:16:40
Not that I'd try to intentionally lighten anyone's mood, but here goes:
First of all, harry, I think you should see all the anxiety the 12 gauge comment has raised here in the Babble community and recognize that you could do some serious improvement to the public health of the board by "beating your sword into a plowshare".
If you feel strongly about your 2nd amendment rights, then trade the 12 gauge in for a muzzle loader. After all, those were the arms that the Founding Fathers had in mind when they wrote that bit of legislation, and trying to pull a trigger that's 5.5 feet away from you may give you some extra time to think things over, if it ever gets to that point. Besides, ramrodding the cartridge and then the shot down the barrel might be a good way of getting out those hostile emotions at the time.
Now, as for proceeds of any sale of firearms to a licensed dealer, there are lots of other things you could do with the money if you don't like ice cream. Find a soup kitchen and toss it all in their contributions bucket, then stick around for a meal. Buy as many carnations as you can, then go someplace busy and give them out to strangers one by one. Buy something nice for a friend or relative you haven't seen or spoken with for a while -- even better if they live somewhere else, so you can send them a mystery package and then call them a week later to see their reaction ... or wait to hear about it through the grapevine. If you live somewhere with visibly homeless folk about (like here in NYC), take one to lunch. Not for the sort of "look--here's someone less fortunate than you, so snap out of it" sort of (non-)lesson ... what a crock of BS! -- but because I've personally found by doing this that these people has some of the most interesting stories and observations about the people around us that we never notice (meaning just about everyone). Some of the homeless people I've treated to a meal have been some of the most intelligent, insightful sorts I've ever known.
Or, if all of these activities require too much life outside of the home/womb, the go to Blockbuster and rent as many videos as you can (making sure you reserve enough for staples like soda, candy, and popcorn). Rent every single James Bond film, or all the episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus AND all their movies, including partially Python flicks like Timebandits and A Fish Called Wanda. Then you can dig down deep into the "bunker" (thanks, Phil, for that term) and loose yourself into several days of videomania.
Anyway, that's just a few of my suggestions as to what the value of a 12 gauge + ammo may be.
my two cents (... and I'll gladly contribute more to the "cause"!)
bob
Posted by harry b. on April 9, 2000, at 18:18:51
In reply to Back to serious frivolity..., posted by bob on April 9, 2000, at 12:18:15
Thanks Chris K, Sherry, Noa, April A, bob, Michael,
Janet, CarolAnn, and bob again. I owe all of you.I'm still here. I made a pact w/myself to see my
counselor and shrink on Monday (tomorrow). Sorry,
Noa & bob, but I can't dispose of my firearms.
I have a nice collection, mostly 'preban' handguns
and military rifles & carbines. No, bob, no weapons
of mass destuction, but how about a nice full-auto
rifle with a grenade launcher attached?This episode had a definite trigger (no pun intended).
The more I think about that, the more despondent I become.
I guess my solution has been to sleep 16 to 20 hrs a day,
but I've been having dreams about the situation.I haven't been out of the house in 3 days. Luckily,
I had stocked up on the essentials: milk, raisen
bran, chocolate chip cookies, and chocolate peanut
butter ice cream.To answer the question if I had tapered off of Serzone,
yes, I had, and I was taking 300mg Effexor, 600mg
Lithium, and 4mg Klonopin. Effexor sux. I had told
the doc of the many unpleasant side effects. He said
to try to get thru another week. I did not. I did
a 3 day Effexor taper, adding Serzone. So now I'm
taking a minimum dose of Serzone, 300mg/day instead
of the Effexor. Serzone sux also. Will see what the
doc pulls out of his hat next.Anyway, thanks to everyone. Take care. I'll be around
to at least tomorrow, then we'll go from there.
Posted by bob on April 9, 2000, at 23:05:37
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 9, 2000, at 18:18:51
Sounds like you coulda bought a lot of carnations with all of that stuff.
I'm glad that you have taken stock, literally, of the truly important things in life -- the chocolate chip cookies and chocolate peanut butter ice cream in particular. I'm a corn flakes man myself nowadays.
one day at a time, harry,
bob
Posted by Noa on April 10, 2000, at 7:27:57
In reply to too bad ..., posted by bob on April 9, 2000, at 23:05:37
Harry,
When I said to get the guns out of your reach, I didn't mean to sell them. What I meant was, find someone who will hold on to them while you are at risk of using them to harm yourself. They will still be yours, just not accessible to you for any kind of self-harm. I still stand by this advice. Strongly. I would be surprised if your doctors did not also insist on this, that is, if you have disclosed honestly that you are in possession of such firearms.
Hang in there. You haven't been through all the possibilities for medications. I know how demoralizing it can be. That is why you HAVE to keep yourself away from anything that you might use to act on your feelings of despair. Please keep yourself safe long enough to see hope on the horizon. It is there even when we cannot see it.
Posted by harry b. on April 10, 2000, at 13:01:19
In reply to Re: too bad ..., posted by Noa on April 10, 2000, at 7:27:57
Hello all, I'm packing for a hospital stay. I'm to
self admit this evening.
See ya
Posted by Noa on April 10, 2000, at 14:56:07
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by harry b. on April 10, 2000, at 13:01:19
Take care, harry. Good move, I think. We'll await your return.
Posted by bob on April 10, 2000, at 18:15:30
In reply to Re: cryin' again, posted by Noa on April 10, 2000, at 14:56:07
I still think it takes one helluva lot of guts to accept that you need that level of help and to put your trust into the hands of others.
Be well,
bob
Posted by michael on April 10, 2000, at 18:33:22
In reply to courageous again, posted by bob on April 10, 2000, at 18:15:30
> I still think it takes one helluva lot of guts to accept that you need that level of help and to put your trust into the hands of others.
>
> Be well,
> bobI second that. I don't know you well Harry, but for what it's worth, I've got a lot of respect for you. I admire your "guts". Lookin' forward to hearing from you...michael
This is the end of the thread.
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