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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 41 to 65 of 85. Go back in thread:
Posted by notfred on October 8, 2006, at 13:45:22
In reply to Re: And I'm confused by something else..., posted by rjlockhart on October 6, 2006, at 23:43:28
When I was working on separating from my parents when I was 19 my therapist was a BIG help with this. Instead of a big showdown and drama I just started to do it, taking little steps. The end goal was to move out but it took a while to get that set up & find the right roommates. I did not throw anything in their face; I just kept on saying that I was a man now and wanted my own space and my own social life. Here are some things that helped me:
1) I got a PO box at the uni and had my mail forwarded from my parents address.
2) I got a locker at the uni and kept whatever personal stuff I wanted to keep private there.
It had a combination lock so there was no key to loose or to indicate I had it. It was registered in my name only.
3) I eased into moving out by staying over with friends on the weekend. First just Friday night,
the Fri-Sat. Then Fri through Sunday. I made a deal where I would pay for one meal a day and provide some entertainment. Buy a pizza and rent a movie. I had a car and my friends often did not so I took them places. People loved having me over;
dinner and a movie plus free rides. My peers understood what I was trying to do, separate from my parents, and were willing to help and were very supportive. They were going through the same thing I was. When people went out of town I stayed at their dorm room or place, "house sitting". I would tidy up the place as payment. Young men's kitchens
are often scary, so I tackled that. Boy that made me popular.If I had some money I would go see a movie. Usually I could get away with seeing several movies on one ticket. Once one finished I would move to the next screening room. That way I did not wear out my welcome with friends who were often busy on week days. Or just go to the mall
and hang out. Take day trips; get out the map and pick a place a hour or so away and drive to it.To this day I still do this one, stay in a hotel.
Scout around and you can find one that is not too race track, has free cable and movies plus Internet. Even today I do this when I want to be alone or my roommate is driving me crazy. $59, which includes a breakfast, cable, movies, a pool, and internet. Ask for an early checking and late check out so you can check in the morning and the next day stay till 2. As I always eat out, the free breakfast (I usually pay $10) plus free movies (if I rented $15-20) means the hotel costs my almost nothing, $29 bucks. If I am just going to chill a salad (Mac D's, $1) and some food bars ($5) are all I need to eat, if I am on a budget.At one point in my life I had a roommate who was stealing my Dex. So I kept it in my pocket all the time. I found some sleeping shorts with pockets so I could keep my dex safe while I slept. I put cotton in the bottle so I would not rattle when I walked.
Ask your doc to start a new chart with no mention of your mom or her address. Use another person as the emergency contact. All bills will go to your PO box, use a friends address as your home/emergency address. You might just want to forward that to the PO Box. There are some cheap cell phones that only offer in town service, get one. I used to sit in my car at home to make personal calls or drive a few blocks away to make calls. Bring a radio into the bathroom, crank up the shower and put a towel under the door if you need to make a private call. Put a lock code on the cell, which you have to enter use the phone.
For me, after staying over at friends houses I found one that I felt the situation was good and they needed another roommate, so I moved in. It even came with a bed, dresser, and study desk
Matt, separating from my parents was a significant
process for me. It took time. Instead of saying "I hate you and am getting out of here" I reminded them that I loved them but I was an adult and was starting to want to do my own stuff and have my own place. I did not start day one with " I am moving out" but gradually built up to it. This allowed me to build my own support systems while showing my parents I was ready and able to start my life apart from them.
Posted by laima on October 8, 2006, at 13:45:23
In reply to A plan of action, posted by notfred on October 7, 2006, at 10:29:29
Matt,
notfred's got some great ideas and experiences that he's sharing!
As for the cell phone- that's an awsome idea! And you know, they have some decent ones where you don't need any contract, references, or credit check- they are pay-as-you-go, and of course, you can make long distance calls on them if you wish. They also have voice mail, texting- whatever you like. I think the service isn't quite as crystal clear or as perfect as a "real" phone- but it's absolutely adequate. I got one- I'm not a big phone talker and didn't want any monthly contract- I got it at Best Buy or some place like that, and buy cards of minutes at the Walgreens, Target, or wherever- whenever I need to load it up. A number of brands make them- mine is a tracfone and I've never had any trouble reloading it or anything- it's just a bit of a clunker and often doesn't work in Manhatten, but I actually don't care because I don't use it that much, and just get to a payphone when I need to. (No problems in the fine city of Chicago.) The pay-as-you-go route might be an easy, doable way for you to get a phone- even today! You'd probably spend less than 100$, and you've told us you have a job. If you don't have 100$ today, maybe you'll have it as soon as you get paid. It would be money well spent. A solid and very valuable step forward.
Consider- when you make your new pdoc appointments-call the pharmacy-look for an apartment to share- whatever- you can list your OWN phone number, and your mom would be totally out of it. She'd have no idea who you are calling, or who is calling you, or even when. Those phones, of course, even have "silent" options for added privacy. And you could even go sit in the park to talk and take care of your business on a nice day.
not fred's got a great tip on that PO box, too! I wish I thought of that when I was 18, 19 and mom felt priveleged to read my mail...back in the day right before email and cell phones-- so that meant love letters from boyfriends she dissaproved of and messages from "wild, hooligan" friends, too. She sure liked to wave those around and quote from them! Geez. Sit back Matt, and take a moment to thank god for email and cell phones :)
I still vote for bank account as one of your top steps, too.
Best wishes, and good luck Matt!!!
Laima
Posted by lymom3 on October 8, 2006, at 13:45:23
In reply to Re: A plan of action, posted by laima on October 7, 2006, at 11:10:25
I am a mother of 3 boys. The middle one is about your age. He has ADHD and I WISH he had a job. I would give anything if someone would hire him. You must be doing something right. Be proud of that. Your mom is not doing you any favors by being so overbearing and trying to make you feel like you can't or shouldn't be allowed to manage your own life. She's damaging your relationship with her and damaging your view of yourself. If you allow it to go on neither one of those things might ever be able to recover.
Just because she's your mother doesn't mean that she knows best. Trust me...I know that. I haven't always done what's best for my kids. I thought I was at the time but the last thing I wanted to do was to make things worse. I'm not doubting that she loves you dearly, but she's clearly hurting you, not helping. YOUR health and well being is the focus and what's at stake; not what SHE wants. If she can't or won't back off, you HAVE to get yourself out of that situation.
Notfred does have some great ideas and I hope you can make some of the work in your day to day life because you deserve a measure of peace. I can't imagine how much stress you have to live under every day. That just has to be miserable for you to try to not piss her off because who wants to fight like that every day? I can only imagine. My heart really goes out to you.
I do think about your situation a lot and know how hard it must be for you to love your mom because she's your mom and you know that she is trying to do the best she knows how (at least I think that's what she's doing) but at the same time you know that she is just way off base and totally ruining your chance for trying to normalize your life at this point. I think we all wish we could do something to help you.
Posted by Phillipa on October 8, 2006, at 13:45:24
In reply to Re: A plan of action, posted by lymom3 on October 7, 2006, at 12:15:16
Matt my real Son was a lot like you. He got married and ran away with his wife, joined the 82nd Airbourne. He parchuted into Panama was lucky on that one. Then he was at Fort Bragg and was the first sent to Iraq. He was with the French Foreign Legion now the father of two, and in Iraq at the end of the war a defective blasting cap exploded blinded him and took two fingertips. Yes he's had multiple sugeries and enough sight to get around the house. The military sent him to blind rehab twice and sent him to college. Graduated Cumma Sum Laude in Social Work. He's 39 now and can't get a job the military lied. Everytime he finds one they state he has to be able to drive. Now picture yourself a self-reliant male till you're blinded and now at the mercy of a not very nice wife to drive him around. No the military isn't the answer. They promise the moon and don't come through. And I've seen the guys who lost limbs at Walter Reed Hospital in DC where he was a pt for multiple surgeries months at a time. Love Phillipa
Posted by rjlockhart on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:26
Ok, can i say that i have had no psychiatric treatment if i join the U.S Military? what any branch would let you take medciation?, or its documented. Do they prescribe medications in the marines such as ADHD medication? Adderall?
I dont know but since your an ex-marine tell me about it.
Thanks
Matt
Posted by Karen44 on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:27
In reply to Karen44 please respond...., posted by rjlockhart on October 6, 2006, at 23:49:08
> Ok, can i say that i have had no psychiatric treatment if i join the U.S Military? what any branch would let you take medciation?, or its documented. Do they prescribe medications in the marines such as ADHD medication? Adderall?
>
> I dont know but since your an ex-marine tell me about it.
>
> Thanks
>
> MattYou can say you have never had psychiatric treatment, but I wonder if you would make it through basic training without the med's. Plus, do you really want to jeopardize the lives of other men and women because you can't focus without the med's. I think they would find out about your history. As for can you take psychiatric medications in the Marine Corps. Oh sure, but you will have to deal with being viewed as weak and as not really welcome in what they say as "my Marine Corps."
Of course, it can be said that the Marine Corps and Army are desperate for "warm bodies" since not too many people are crazy enough to go in knowing there is a high probability of being killed. Again, would you really want to jeopardize the lives of others if they took you???
Karen
Posted by rjlockhart on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:27
In reply to Re: Karen44 please respond...., posted by Karen44 on October 7, 2006, at 0:53:00
hold on are you saying that if i did go in that i would be a danger to others? because of my psychitric condition. I would say i could team up with some friends and maybe help me get stonger.
I can do it. It will be hell. What is training camp like? no offense if i was provative.
Matt
Posted by rjlockhart on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:28
In reply to Re: Karen44 please respond...., posted by rjlockhart on October 7, 2006, at 0:58:55
If i went off all medication, isnt there like dexedrine they prescrbe in the air force to keep pilots awake? during desert storm?
How was the marnies, what is the enviorment, what are your people like, cocky, supportive, make fun, or its do what only the seargent says. Do they call you weak if you are acting bad, or not doing your obstacle course right? do your people spread rumors and jokes about you. I could handle that, belive me my whole life i have been harrasesed.
Intresting..
Thanks
Matt
Posted by rjlockhart on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:28
In reply to Re: Karen44 please respond...., posted by rjlockhart on October 7, 2006, at 1:04:30
this is my medicaition list.
Xanax 2mg X 3 daily - definely would get ordered off that
Prozac 30mg
Zyprexa - i dont really need it.
Restoril 30mg (temazepam)
What im asking if they offer just ADHD medications to help during intense learning discussions because i have extreme difficulty doing this.
Anything....and by the way sorry i posted 3 times.
Its 1 in the morning.
Gotta go.
Matt
Posted by Karen44 on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:29
In reply to Re: Karen44 please respond...., posted by rjlockhart on October 7, 2006, at 1:04:30
The military is not a place to escape to. In the Marine Corps they are very abusive to recruits. IT IS HEll. You cannot be on psychiatric medication in basic training. I think you may have some romantasized notion of the military. Take laima's advice and go to college somewhere or find someone who will room with you while you work. Why does your doctor let your mother into your apointments with him?? How old are you? Under age 18?
Karen
Posted by ronaldo on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:30
In reply to Karen44 please respond...., posted by rjlockhart on October 6, 2006, at 23:49:08
Hello Matt,
The military is not the way you think it is. They are not interested in anyone who isn't 100% fit or whom they can't quickly make 100% fit, both physically and mentally. It is doubtful whether you would pass selection. If you did you would probably break down during the stress of basic training which is VERY hard. I'm sorry Matt but the military is not the escape you are looking for. I feel sure that joining the military, say the marines, would just be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire for you. You would end up doing considerably more damage to yourself. I'm sorry if I am raining on your parade but I don't want you to get hurt, (and I don't want to sound like your mother either).
There must be easier ways of escaping your mother's influence. Tackle something where you have an odds on chance of succeeding. Joining the marines would be incredibly difficult and hard for you. Wishing you the best of luck,
Alan
Posted by Phillipa on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:30
In reply to Excuse me for butting in....no offence intended., posted by ronaldo on October 7, 2006, at 5:14:02
Hi Ronaldo. Good to see you posting. Love Phillipa ps Matt get a roommate and move into school and see the student advisers there.
Posted by Karen44 on October 8, 2006, at 14:10:30
In reply to Excuse me for butting in....no offence intended., posted by ronaldo on October 7, 2006, at 5:14:02
> Hello Matt,
>
> The military is not the way you think it is. They are not interested in anyone who isn't 100% fit or whom they can't quickly make 100% fit, both physically and mentally. It is doubtful whether you would pass selection. If you did you would probably break down during the stress of basic training which is VERY hard. I'm sorry Matt but the military is not the escape you are looking for. I feel sure that joining the military, say the marines, would just be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire for you. You would end up doing considerably more damage to yourself. I'm sorry if I am raining on your parade but I don't want you to get hurt, (and I don't want to sound like your mother either).
>
> There must be easier ways of escaping your mother's influence. Tackle something where you have an odds on chance of succeeding. Joining the marines would be incredibly difficult and hard for you. Wishing you the best of luck,
>
> AlanThanks for agreeing with me, Alan; I have been trying to be nice with telling Matt that the military will not take him, and if he lied, you are right he would likely break down in basic training. Even for female Marines, basic training was hell. When I went into the Marine Corps in 1964, we lost one-third of our platoon in basic training, either to suicide attempts or for medical reasons. It is no place for someone who is on psychotropic medications and has significant emotional problems. For me, my problems came later.
Karen
Posted by corafree on October 8, 2006, at 19:23:22
In reply to Re: The day is counting down....Lymom3, posted by Rjlockhart on October 3, 2006, at 16:16:03
It sounds like you have a real 'push-and-pull' relationship w/ your mother Matt. On the one hand, you are comfortable w/ her and she is comfortable w/ you, but on the other hand you are both venting your own problems at one another. I think she needs counseling. She plays too big of a part in your life. It's not really your fault, or hers. It just happens sometimes between two persons in a family. Anyway, don't blame yourself or feel offended. I just think that often some people who 'seem to think they've got it all together', are exactly the ones that really need the help. My mother is in 100% denial about my mental illness. It hurts. Thank goodness I don't have to live w/ her. Pls try hard not to do anything drastic. I don't understand how she can control what meds your P gives you. Do you have a good male or female friend you could talk to, or better yet, move in w/ for awhile? You and your mom either need counseling 'together' or need a break from each other. She probably sincerely thinks she is doing you a favor by keeping you for the med, and has no idea that she is not! These relationships can be toxic for both, so need help or a break. Don't ever run away from something. If you must run, run to something you choose. Please take care of yourself.
sincerely, cf
Posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:11
The Navy may be a good call or the Airforce, right now im not really sure about the Army
, but the school that i go to is Tarrant County Community College, there are no dorms here, and if there was my mother would not pay for it.
I just had a dispute with my mom and it is now, definely that she will not put me back on a stimulant, she cannot reason with. I'm going to a therpist and talking out my social problems because my mom always isolated me, well grew up isolated and now its turn into hell. I cant really get close to anyone, i feel i have to stay distant. Roomate i dont know about.
Why is this all over medication, i am having the hardest, i am almost going, i cant focus, i have to drink energy drinks, take l-tyrosine, to even help. My mom is stuborn, she disagrees about everything, and i dont, i feel if i jump in to argue she will take over. Which she has before.
\
I dont know where i even am.....oh thats right im at school posting because she doesnt want me to post at home.I currently used to be on:
DextroStat 40mg
Clonazepam 6mg (2mg X 3)
Zyprexa 2.5mg
Restoril 30mg
Prozac 20mg
Now:Xanax 6mg (2mg X 3 daily)
Prozac 30mg
Restoril 30mg
Zyprexa 2.5mgMy mother always goes in the session with me, if i go in alone anything she does not approve of she will get the script, or the bottle and throw it away.
Do you see what im dealing wiht here.....
I need to do something fast, i dont know, im gonig to go try to talk to a social worker.
Help again.....
Posted by Triolian on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:12
In reply to Where do i go from here.......im in a pitt, posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 17:23:48
You want to join the military in the midst of an insane war ???? Forget about the military. They'll only compound your problems. First step - somehow, get away from your mother. Time to cut the apron strings.
Posted by Racer on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:12
In reply to Where do i go from here.......im in a pitt, posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 17:23:48
>
> I just had a dispute with my mom and it is now, definely that she will not put me back on a stimulant, she cannot reason with. I'm going to a therpist and talking out my social problems because my mom always isolated me, well grew up isolated and now its turn into hell. Roomate i dont know about.OK, Matt, first question: why even discuss this with your mother? If you've had the same reaction every time you do, why keep doing it? Kinda like that joke, "Doc, it hurts when I do this?" Come up with a plan of action which does not include discussing these things with her -- maybe you'll get a different result?
> I need to do something fast, i dont know, im gonig to go try to talk to a social worker.
>Matt? What do you think a social worker is? What are you looking for when you say a social worker? I think there's some confusion there.
> Help again.....
>OK, how about a little mental exercise? This is predicated on the belief that you want to finish school, that you want to do it while living at home, that you want to do it without trying to work full time while you're doing it, and that you want to minimize the conflict with your mother. Those are the starting points.
Based on the above, if your mother does not change, how can you meet your needs better than they're being met now?
Simple as that, Matt -- you focus so much energy on how to change your mother, and the short answer is "You can't." The best you can do is change your reactions to her, and that's something you can do. I'm sure you've heard that before, and you can be sure you'll hear that again.
I've already given my advice regarding the doctor. I don't feel up to repeating myself today. Instead, let me ask you something: what does your therapist have to say about this? I assume -- and hope -- that you discuss this in therapy, what does your therapist have to say about this? What ideas have you come up with in there?
Good luck.
Posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:13
In reply to How about a mental exercise? » Rjlockhart, posted by Racer on October 9, 2006, at 19:29:12
Ok, racer, i know for a fact that my mom will always say no and there is nothing i can do about it. The thing is, do i have the guts to overide her will, which if she finds out its going to be turmoil, she will call the doctor herself and say he is addicted.
2nd of all BOTH my 2 therpists have said you dont have a problem with dexedrine to the point of substance abuse, but they recommended that my mom lock it up, which she already did but she will still not take the recomendation. She says amphetamines are from hell. Its her that is really leaning on this.
I can only say now that im on my own, on medication. As I already said before, this would be breaking the chain, i would get a full time job, try to move out with my own medicare plan. Not hers. So she wont have any control over it. EVEN thought i should be able to see the doctor on my own.
She hates psychobabble, becasue she thinks this is a drug website, she has reacted to many posts that where helpful and said dont ever post back again.
I feel im, im superstitious, i love my mom, i dont want to hurt her but, i dont want this to back fire on me, im praying to god to do something, but im going to have to take action. What is best for me now, i need to break the chains.
I also DID talk to a actual Marine, and he told me to talk to him before you go to the recruiters. He is in my socoiology class. He's been to asia, alot of places, he's in reserve right now.
I dont know if im going to pursue that.
But thats for the advice.
Well taken.
Matt
Posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:13
He said to talk to him before doing anyhting with the crazy recruiters. He said yes you can take medciation but, you do look down upon if you say you have to have it. But yes i belive he said you can take an ADHD medication, but most marines arnt on medication at all.
I dont know, im scared.
I need to make a descion, is it off to boot camp, and to iraq, no i dont know, he said it takes sometimes 6 months to be shiped over.
I really reconsidering. But it will defintly tear my *ss off and make a better one.
Matt
Posted by Racer on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:14
In reply to I talked to a Marine today in my class, posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 20:32:12
>
>
> I dont know, im scared.You should be scared Matt. That's the smartest thing you've said about this subject.
>
> I need to make a descion, is it off to boot camp, and to iraq,Why? Is the offer about to expire? The army is going to stop taking new recruits?
Matt, you don't have to make a decision to join the armed forces. You have until you are over 30 -- if that's what you decide to do.
> I really reconsidering. But it will defintly tear my *ss off and make a better one.
>
> MattHow do you figure? Maybe it'll tear your @$$ off -- but leave you living in the VA psych ward for the rest of your very long life? Have you looked around at veterans of some of our wars, Matt? Do you see the Viet Nam vets out there? Do you think the armed forces "tore their @$$es off and made them better?"
Matt -- as long as you look at unrealistic escapes instead of trying to optimize reality, you're going to have trouble.
Posted by Phillipa on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:14
In reply to Re: How about a mental exercise?, posted by Rjlockhart on October 9, 2006, at 20:28:09
Matt see the social worker at school and you do have a therapist and pdoc. Let them be the ones to tell you Mom that you need some space. And tell them to only prescribe enough at a time that you can't abuse the med. Love Phillipa
Posted by Phillipa on October 9, 2006, at 21:43:15
In reply to Re: I talked to a Marine today in my class » Rjlockhart, posted by Racer on October 9, 2006, at 21:00:09
Matt my Son lost his eyesight in Desert Storm and two fingertips. Will never drive again. Or be able to get a job he wants. And the military will only give you college for jobs that you can do in his case if he's unable to see even to walk. Not a pretty sight the guys I saw at Walter Reed with missing limbs and half their head blown off. Yes Matt it's real. Love Phillipa
Posted by notfred on October 9, 2006, at 22:11:08
In reply to Re: I talked to a Marine today in my class » Rjlockhart, posted by Racer on October 9, 2006, at 21:00:09
> Matt -- as long as you look at unrealistic escapes instead of trying to optimize reality, you're going to have trouble.
Matt, don't fall into the trap creating a new reality just like the old one. Moving from
one drama to the next. The Marines will tell you what to do and when to do it and you do it. (Just like mom) What happens if they decide which meds you can and cannot take (no Dex, benzos) or that you cannot take any at all ? Keep in mind you **give up** many of your basic rights you have as a citizen when you join the military.You are living in an extreme situation, the solution does not need to be an extreme one.
Posted by laima on October 10, 2006, at 10:34:52
In reply to Re: Where do i go from here.......im in a pitt, posted by Triolian on October 9, 2006, at 19:06:59
> You want to join the military in the midst of an insane war ???? Forget about the military. They'll only compound your problems. First step - somehow, get away from your mother. Time to cut the apron strings.
And "insane war" could get worse, don't forget Iran and North Korea. And Darfur. And Syria.
Posted by laima on October 10, 2006, at 10:41:43
In reply to Should i join the Army or Marnies to get out?, posted by Rjlockhart on October 2, 2006, at 18:49:29
So no dorms at school- but surely there might be someone looking for a roomate? Would that really be worse than living with your mom? Maybe you'd find someone who wasn't even home much- or perhaps a group of people, so that you can stay more by yourself while they do their thing. Say you are studying, say you are looking to room with someone "quiet". Check the bulletin boards...Or what about a relative? You mentioned you are a Christian- I think some denominations have group living situations for young people near all kinds of colleges? Plausabley even near a community college? Or if there is a 4 year school anywhere near you, maybe there? I bet you don't have to attend THAT school to live on it's campus.Talking to the social worker sounds like a real good idea, too. I hope you are able to do so soon.
You are not a minor. I find it outrageous then, that your mom is editing the medications your physician prescribes for you.
Hang in there- good luck.
Laima
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