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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 33. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Hi babblers. I'm writing this because my husband just asked me if I wrote to you all about it, and I had to say no. He said, "why not? isn't that what babble is for?" And I guess he's right.
So, here's the deal: We've been trying to get pregnant for about 2 years now. We've had all the obvious tests done, and they can't find anything wrong.
Except my thyroid. I had it removed 10 years ago because of cancer. So, I take synthroid every day. And I've felt fine. But recently I discovered that my TSH levels were too high. So I changed dose, and they went way too low. So I changed back, and now they're still too low, but better. So I'm all confused, and feeling hopeless. I'm never going to get this straightened out in time. I'm 39, and don't have time to waste. We were going to start trying some basic infertility treatments this month, but I can't because I have to get the thyroid stuff stabilized first. Which we don't know how to do.
I figure if I get to 40 with no pregnancy, then we'll start filling out the forms for adoption. I've already looked into it a some. But, dang it, I want to at least have a shot at having our own first. And it looks like I just waited too long, or have something wrong with me or something. And everyone around me is pregnant. I actually never thought I'd feel this way. I was always ok with or without kids. Until I started trying and it didn't work. I'm really depressed about this.
And today is the first day of my period. It's like getting kicked when you're already down.
pegasus.
Posted by judy1 on May 18, 2004, at 16:31:44
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I don't know if you are in a large city- but you might want to see an endocrinologist (most infertility docs are) to stabilize your thyroid/hormones/etc. Have you had any previous pregnancies? if so, any miscarriages? The sooner you are able to take care of your problems the sooner you can start fertility treatment. as long as your periods are regular you shouldn't have a problem getting pregnant, but I'm sure your fertility doc would suggest IVF if you didn't get pregnant in a few cycles. 40 is kind of a cut off for successful IVF (unless you use a younger woman's eggs), but when I was going through it (I'm in my 30's) a 40 y.o. woman had twins. After my son's birth I had 5 m/c's, went through a couple of rounds of IVF and had my daughter 2 years ago. There are several excellent internet boards INCIID? if you do decide to do the fertility route. if you truly want to carry a child, then I recommend the ups and downs of fertility treatment. if not, then adoption makes you a mom just the same as if you give birth.
I wish you all the best- judy
Posted by judy1 on May 18, 2004, at 16:35:24
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:46:49
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
I spent some time with a friend and the two babies she adopted from Russia. (This is the second couple/friends of ours who have adopted from Russia). The little girl is nearly a year, walking, and doing a pretty good impression of talking. The phonics might not be exactly right, but the intonation and syllable length are so perfect that it doesn't take much to figure out what she's saying. The little boy was adorable too.
Amazingly, with both families that adopted, the kids look very much like one or the other parent. :) I felt absolutely foolish sometimes starting to say she/he has your/your husband's eyes, nose, personality.
I truly enjoyed being pregnant and breastfeeding. I truly hated postpartum depression and all the accompanying hormone weirdness.
But when you've had them a while you forget how they got there, I think.
Posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:49:09
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:46:49
I left with an unbelievable urge to search the web for the adoption sites she was telling me about. My husband had to do some severe aversion work with me to restrain my maternal instinct gone haywire. Because the truth is that I only want one child. It's just hard to remember that when looking into a pair of dark blue eyes and a sticky grin.
Posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 17:22:07
In reply to a site to get you started » pegasus, posted by judy1 on May 18, 2004, at 16:35:24
Hi judy
Thanks! I should have mentioned that I've looked into IVF and my husband and I have decided against it. At that point, we'd rather adopt, I guess. But I did want to try clomid and insemination first. I am working with a reproductive endocrinologist, and also have had a regular endocrinologist for a long time (since the thyroid cancer), but neither of them know what to do about my weird response to the dose changes. So I guess we'll keep trying the "messing around with dosage" strategy. I just feel the time slipping away, and I have no faith that it'll work out, since there is no theory that explains what's going on. Sigh.
I'll be ok with adoption eventually, it's just a big disappointment. I was thinking of adopting from Korea, because there they put the babies in foster homes instead of orphanages, so they have someone to attach to during that critical early few months of development.
But I still have 10 more months until I turn 40. So I should try to be optimistic.
Thanks again.
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 17:33:23
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by Dinah on May 18, 2004, at 16:46:49
Oh, thanks Dinah. That makes me feel a little better. I guess it must be true that once you have them, it's not important how you got them. I mean, I can think about how I feel about my pets, and they're not even the same species as me.
There are a lot of great things about adopting, I know. Such as skipping the pain of childbirth, not contributing to overpopulation, giving a needy child a good home, tax breaks, and a lot more.
Unfortunately, there seems to be an unexpected instinct thing that's getting to me. I want my *own* child, even though I think it's better for the world and probably even my own growth if we adopt.
My husband and I had a sweet little conversation about the parts of each other that we'd want our child to inherit: his hair, my eyes, his feet, my smarts, his temperament, my height, his artistic talents, etc. Of course, they'd probably get my hair, his eyes, my feet, his teeth, my temperament, the mental illness in his family, my impatience, etc. We could probably make a pretty unfortunate person with various combinations of our genes. Ha ha!
pegasus
Posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 17:48:28
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
I was on that fertility roller-coaster for 3 years. I remember each month being hopeful, then disappointed, and then hopeful again. And there is nothing more unromantic than ovulation timing! I have a thyroid condition too which contributed to my problem. Clomid was not successful for me. It was the month that I finally gave up and ordered a book about how to be happy and childless that I became pregnant. Go figure. Stress does weird things to the body.
Anyway, I understand your fears and frustrations. I am seriously considering adopting for baby #2. One thing I learned from having my own child is that I can love any child -- they are all so precious and innocent and full of possibility.
Good luck!
Posted by gardenergirl on May 18, 2004, at 23:43:05
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Posted by All Done on May 19, 2004, at 0:36:33
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
(((Pegasus))),
Sorry for the tough time you're going through. I hope the doctors can help you to have the opportunity to give the clomid and/or inseminations a try. My husband and I went through that and ended up conceiving through IVF. It might be a rough road ahead of you - just know that we'll be here to listen to and support you whenever you need it.
My husband and I are also considering adopting our second child. It is a beautiful thing to provide a home to a child in need of one. You would have more than my respect if that's the choice you make.
Good luck and take care,
All Done
Posted by All Done on May 19, 2004, at 0:38:45
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by Aphrodite on May 18, 2004, at 17:48:28
> One thing I learned from having my own child is that I can love any child -- they are all so precious and innocent and full of possibility.
Well said, Aphrodite :).
Posted by gardenergirl on May 19, 2004, at 8:44:01
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Pegasus,
Last night when I read your post, I had just finished looking at pictures (with my husband) of a friend's new (first) baby. It was bitter sweet. I've been off of the pill now for at least three years. I know what you mean about getting your period. It is a painful reminder. We haven't tried infertility treatment yet, because I want to wait until I am done with school. Or at least on internship, which will be busy, but fairly consistent. But I will be 39 then, too. It is scary and nerve wracking. The sense of urgency just adds so much stress.And my husband goes back and forth about whether he is "ready" or not. Guess what hubby. You don't have to worry about the timing, but I do. And that means you do too, ya big dork!
On the other hand, a professor I worked for last summer has adopted two absolutely adorable boys from India. They are the cutest, happiest kids. So that give me hope.
But it's hard, I know. Take care, and know that my thoughts are with you on this.
gg
Posted by pegasus on May 19, 2004, at 12:39:52
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by gardenergirl on May 19, 2004, at 8:44:01
I really appreciate your support. Last night I went to meet my neighbor's 2 week old little boy, and it just broke my heart. He's so precious and sweet. I hate to think that I'll never get to be a mom to a little one like that.
But you're all correct that adopting is great, and anyway there may still be some hope.
I just hate hate hate having cramps today. And my endocrinologist is being a jerk about this right now. He acts like all the info I've found on the web is not valid, and I'm full of sh** with the things I want to try. He just wants to keep adjusting dosages until something miraculous happens. Feh! And I wait 4 weeks between adjustments to test again! I haven't got that kind of time!
Thanks everyone, for your similar stories, and happy endings, and support.
pegasus
Posted by Aphrodite on May 19, 2004, at 14:22:56
In reply to Thx much Aphrodite, GG, All Done, posted by pegasus on May 19, 2004, at 12:39:52
I had a doctor who told me to stop playing doctor on the internet when I brought him lots of information on my condition and some experimental treatments. I fired him immediately. Then, I found a compassionate doctor who was interested in my thoughts and worked with me as a team. It was under her care that I became pregnant. As for the first doctor, I sent him a picture of my 2 week old baby and wrote, "I was right. Thanks for nothing." Boy what those postpartum hormones can do to a person!
Some doctors are arrogant and want to play God, and they don't want your involvement. I would look elsewhere if that attitude continued. You need to feel like you are involved in the process of making baby a reality instead of dependent upon the doctor.
Posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:22:22
In reply to Never going to be a mom :(, posted by pegasus on May 18, 2004, at 15:47:32
Peg,
You are so brave for posting this. My heart goes out to you. But...40 is NOT too old. One of my closest friends had an adorable little guy at 45. Yes, there are risks but still.
And adoption can be wonderful. Our SPT here adopted twin boys who were drug exposed. They were put immediately into fostercare so she got to meet them and see them until she took them home at 6 months of age. Now they are three and doing wonderful. She, btw, just had a baby girl after trying for 8 years and giving up. She thought she had the flu for 2 months...lol.
My brother and his wife (she's a pediatrician) also started trying "late" because she was in med school. They ended up doing IVF and had a wonderful little guy when she was 39. Then poof! along came another when they weren't looking. Amazing how that happens.
Children are a blessing and a curse. I hope you get your prayers answered soon. Someone said already it is a roller coaster ride. We'll help you hang on! Please call out for help as needed.
Posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:24:22
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by gardenergirl on May 19, 2004, at 8:44:01
GG,
Please read my post to Peg. You are brave too. I know it is so painful to want this so badly.
I wish I could wave my magic wand and make it happen for you both. For all of you who are wishing and wanting.
Keep the faith. Anything can happen. And usually does.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 20, 2004, at 8:05:53
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » gardenergirl, posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:24:22
Thanks Daisy. You are such a caring, sweet person. Your post to peg helped me too. I haven't given up hope yet, but I also tend not to let myself think about it much (except when I am reminded somewhat irregularly).
Thanks for your wishes and words of comfort.
Take care,
gg
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 11:54:15
In reply to Re: Thx much Aphrodite, GG, All Done » pegasus, posted by Aphrodite on May 19, 2004, at 14:22:56
I know you're right. Yesterday I did some research and called around and got appts with a variety of endocrinologists in my general area. The one I'd really like to see is booked until October, so he must be good! I made an appt anyway. I also have an appt with another new endo that I know nothing about on June 2. She works at a university hospital, so I'm hoping she'll be up on the latest thinking and research. And I'm going back to see my old endo on Tuesday, just to lay it all out for him, and see if he has anything helpful to say, and check my records for myself for the last 10 years.
The truth, I think, is that no one knows what to do in a situation like this. My body isn't following the rules. So, I think I'll have to use some intuition. And I've been seeing a nutritionist and an accupuncturist, and I'm starting with a new T who specializes in fertility/pregnancy issues, doing Pilates, and visualizing being a mother, etc. and I'll try anything else at this point. I must say, I'm enjoying the accupuncture and Pilates, and I'm eating a lot better than I used to. So that's got to be worth something, baby or no.
Thanks for your encouragement, and positive stories. I'll keep looking for a decent Dr. around here.
I love your story about sending a picture of the baby to your old doc!
pegasus
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 11:56:02
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom :( » pegasus, posted by DaisyM on May 19, 2004, at 19:22:22
Thanks Daisy, for reminding me that 40 is my own arbitrary deadline. And maybe I should rethink the IVF decision. If I can ever get my thyroid stuff stabilized, we're going to at least do the treatments they recommend before you move on to IVF.
I appreciate everyone's support. This is really hard to admit, and depressing me a lot right now.
pegasus
Posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:29
I totally understand your feelings around maybe never getting to hold your "own" baby only mine comes from another angle. I basically "couldn't" have children of my own or adopted because I didn't feel safe in doing so. I came from a very dysfunctional childhood which then led to alcoholism and drug addiction and made a conscious/unconscious decision not to pass along my "history" Now at 46 I am probably at a place where I could be a wonderful mommy but I do not want to start a family so late. I have an incredible man in my life *finally* who would have been a wonderful father. (he has two grown children) I will now concentrate on enjoying this gloriously happy healthy man/woman relationship and just be a surrogate mommy to you guys on here and to my god-children. My godson and goddaughter are both adopted and are incredible children. I wish you love and happiness in however you achieve your extended family.
Love,
Toots
Posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 15:23:14
In reply to Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:29
Thanks so much for your story tooter. I'm sorry that stability and a great relationship came late to you. But I love your attitude, and I'm going to try to think somewhat that way about my situation as well.
I think I'm getting this thing a little more into perspective. I started trying to get pregnant late in part because I was pretty emotionally unstable for most of my life. It was when I started getting help, and getting better that we started trying. So, I'm trying to recognize that I wasn't just beeing foolish to have waited. And that I'm lucky to have started turning things around when I did.
pegasus
Posted by Miss Honeychurch on May 20, 2004, at 15:39:23
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 15:23:14
Pegasus,
Can you possibly look at your situation in the perspective that maybe you can't have children of your own because perhaps you were meant or destined to mother another person's bilogical child or even a child related to you? Does this make sense? Maybe you are here to help or provide nurturing for a child who is not biologically yours, but someone you could make a huge difference to. Maybe you couldn't do that if you had a child of your own.
Posted by partlycloudy on May 20, 2004, at 15:40:50
In reply to Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:29
Tooter, I made that same conscious decision about having a family for exactly the same reasons. I'm now 41 and my wonderful second husband has 3 grown children of his own. Isn't life just too strange?
Posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 16:16:21
In reply to Re: Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by pegasus on May 20, 2004, at 15:23:14
Based on how my life is now.....everything happens for a reason but I don't always get to know what that reason is. I do know that if I have been through all that I have in order to get where I am now I wouldn't change a thing!
Toots
Posted by Jai Narayan on May 20, 2004, at 16:22:53
In reply to Never going to be a mom-Pegasus, posted by tootercat on May 20, 2004, at 15:15:38
Hey Toots, That's the same reason I didn't want to have a child. But....I got pregnant when I was 18 and really didn't have a choice not to have a child. I gave my child up for adoption and I was without a child till ten years ago when my son and I connected. I am now a grandmother and there is one on the way!!!!
I was so worried about mental illness and my horrible upbringing that I just couldn't bring myself to have anymore children.
My son is now 35 and healthy. But the manic depressive illness hits our family late. Most were obviously ill in their late 30's. So it's a waiting game, I am hoping and praying he will be okay.
My mothers family had three BP children out of 6 children.
There was a bad chemistry in my mothers family. I think my grandfather was BP as well.
I was never a mom just a birth mother....it was a big deal but now I am so happy.
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