![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 74 to 98 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 10:11:54
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 30, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 8:42:30
> Ilene,
> I enjoy reading your diary even if it seems mundane. I think it really documents day to day progress. So often it's hard to notice from day to day that things are getting better. But if you look at all you are accomplishing, even small things we all have to do, it really shows that you are slowly getting better. Personally, I think that is a joy to see. And it is so generous of you to share it with us.
>I think you are right, I am slowly getting better, but I get knocked down s-o-o-o easily. I live with an underlying terror that something bad will happen and I will descend again. It's hard for me not to fear that something bad will happen *again*. (Assault, violent death, false accusations of criminal behavior, stuff like that.)
One of my problems is that I'm "too smart for my own good". I think all the time--what if? what if?--what does this mean?.... I'm very intelligent. I don't know if intelligence and depression are connected, but the things I enjoy nearly always involve learning. It's frustrating knowing that I have the capability to achieve and maybe contribute to the world, but my depression has stymied it.
Having my diary online helps me keep going on it. I revise it and give it to my pdoc/therp. It makes her laugh sometimes.
> Are you going to SF permanently, or just for a visit until the move?
>I'm going to SF in a week on a house-hunting expedition, and then moving there permanently in summer.
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
In reply to Dear diary April 30, posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
It's late! My son's cat is sick, and my husband and daughter have been IMing me for about an hour.
The gray cat seemed kind of droopy this afternoon, and he didn't eat his dinner, and now he is hiding under what is currently the spare bed. Since he is an indoor/outdoor cat I am worried that he might have eaten something he shouldn't have. I called the emergency animal hospital. The man said to watch him for vomiting or excess use of the cat box. He hasn't done either of those things.
I did a few things that make me stressed, but no Klonopin today. I'm trying to clean out the house prior to moving--it's overwhelming. I have too much stuff. It's hard to get rid of it. I try to get rid of something every day.
I got a couple of trash bags of stuff in the van, and I'll take them down to Value Village (like Goodwill or Salvation Army) on Monday. The part I hate doing is trying to figure out what things are worth for a tax write-off. I'm just too anal about all this stuff.
My son spends most of his weekends reading or goofing around online. He IMs his friends. I'd like to see him see his friends in person. I told him he could invite someone over once he cleaned the bathroom--he got most of it clean yesterday--but it wasn't enough of a motivator. He also forgets what I tell him. He doesn't actually see the dirt, either. The bathroom is pretty clean now, though. I told him I"d wash the floor.
I had some philosophical thoughts today, but I forgot them....I'm getting tired.
Posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2004, at 15:50:38
In reply to Dear diary May 1, posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
about your cat: once my dog ate a certain birth control that i was usinging (they eat the strangest things, don't they?) and i had to call the number on the back of the package. turned out it was harmless. perhaps your kitty just has a belly ache? is your kitty attempting to eat plants in the house or grass? i've heard that helps settle the stomach.
about moving: yuck! i've been known to stay in places i can't afford just to avoid it. and i also move with just a car load of stuff. but, i don't become attached to anything either. not really people or items. i throw everything out. i'm amazed when i help people move to see the items they keep. i was once helping my mother move and i kept trying to throw her things out. she kept saying, "karen kay! don't throw that away!" i didn't realize people become attached to items. i don't even keep photos. i think the only ones i have are in frames and when i get a new one, i throw the old one away. my sisters always ask about this. but, i think it's a hassle to keep things. and i guess i don't form attachments. perhaps i should work on that in therapy :)
about philosopholical thoughts: i think i have them from time to time, but then i forget my train of thought and they don't sound nearly as good as i originally thought they had. either that or the drugs wear off. i'm never really certain. but, i've tried writing them down and they still don't make much sense to me.
sounds like you are making progress dear. not just in moving. and it's very brave of you to let it out for the world to see. wonderful!! sf is beautiful, isn't it? good luck on your house-hunting. may i visit when you get settled? i'd offer to help you move but i relly can't stand it and i may throw most of your belongings out. you'd really dislike me then :)
(oh, and if you hadn't noticed, i'm attempting to avoid studying for finals... it's successful so far. but i'll be kicking myself tomorrow! ich musse lernen. ich musse lernen. ICH MUSSE LERNEN. see, i've got that down. that's all i need to know about german, right? let's hope so)
good luck to you ilene. i do enjoy reading.
Posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 17:04:33
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 1 » Ilene, posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2004, at 15:50:38
> about your cat: once my dog ate a certain birth control that i was usinging (they eat the strangest things, don't they?) and i had to call the number on the back of the package. turned out it was harmless. perhaps your kitty just has a belly ache? is your kitty attempting to eat plants in the house or grass? i've heard that helps settle the stomach.
>He's much better today. He showed up for breakfast, and he's no longer hiding under the bed. He doesn't seem quite himself yet, however.
I was afraid I'd wake up to a dead cat and my son would be in tears. Worry, worry, worry....
On the other hand, he torments the other cat to the extent that we had to move the litter box into the so-called powder room, which is where guests use the toilet. Yuck. And he bites. Hard!
> about moving: yuck! i've been known to stay in places i can't afford just to avoid it. and i also move with just a car load of stuff. but, i don't become attached to anything either. not really people or items. i throw everything out. i'm amazed when i help people move to see the items they keep. i was once helping my mother move and i kept trying to throw her things out. she kept saying, "karen kay! don't throw that away!" i didn't realize people become attached to items. i don't even keep photos. i think the only ones i have are in frames and when i get a new one, i throw the old one away. my sisters always ask about this. but, i think it's a hassle to keep things. and i guess i don't form attachments. perhaps i should work on that in therapy :)
>I don't know if not forming attachments to *things* is something I'd bother about. Not forming attachments to people--that's different. They point of the photo is the person it's of (or the place) .
I usually form attachments to things. They become souvenirs. Besides, I'm so cheap I hate to throw anything away. I just have to tell myself that paying for the space to store something actually costs more than the thing itself. Or that I'm never going to finish the half-done project.
> about philosopholical thoughts: i think i have them from time to time, but then i forget my train of thought and they don't sound nearly as good as i originally thought they had. either that or the drugs wear off. i'm never really certain. but, i've tried writing them down and they still don't make much sense to me.
>My philosophical thoughts are the things I'm always going back to--my broodings and ruminations. Not neccessarily "deep".
> sounds like you are making progress dear. not just in moving. and it's very brave of you to let it out for the world to see. wonderful!! sf is beautiful, isn't it? good luck on your house-hunting. may i visit when you get settled? i'd offer to help you move but i relly can't stand it and i may throw most of your belongings out. you'd really dislike me then :)
>I've been feeling better. I wonder if it's the thyroid med I've been taking. I don't realize that I'm feeling better until I think about how I felt a few months ago--suicidal and so on. I don't get nearly as much suicidal ideation. Sometimes I can even get absorbed in what I'm doing instead of worrying and ruminating.
*Everyone* wants to visit us once we get settled!
> (oh, and if you hadn't noticed, i'm attempting to avoid studying for finals... it's successful so far. but i'll be kicking myself tomorrow! ich musse lernen. ich musse lernen. ICH MUSSE LERNEN. see, i've got that down. that's all i need to know about german, right? let's hope so)
>Did you ever read Mark Twain's "The Awful German Language"?
Cheers,
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 21:08:55
In reply to Dear diary May 1, posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
Good news! The gray kitty seems to have recovered. He showed up for breakfast so I knew he was better. Last night he hid under the spare bed and growled whenever I touched him; tonight sat in my lap.
It was hot today, which makes me feel weak and dizzy, but I drank some of the truly disgusting electrolyte solution my internist recommended and didn't feel too bad. Right now it's raining--one of the tropical downpours I never saw in California--which usually means it will cool off. If it doesn't it will be time for the AC. Time between heat off and AC on is about 30 days in this climate.
I love the way it smells when it rains, and the way the wind chimes sound.
Today we had the usual Sunday School/grocery shopping. Since my son cleaned the bathroom I told him he could invite a friend over. He actually got two--his regular best buddy, and his newer friend Louis, who has bipolar disorder. His mom and I had a talk about meds ("Risperdal? Why I take that!") Louis seems like a nice kid but his mom says he has a problem with anger, and doing things like simply getting out of bed. (He's also 5'9" at the age of 13. Are males getting bigger?) Good thing I got an extra quart of milk.
My son must have grown an inch in 2 weeks. He is now taller than I am.
I'm sorting through my fabric collection. I'm actually giving a little bit away. It's getting all organized into bins and baskets (Asian, African, solid, printed, scraps, silk, knits...) I want to start a couple of projects. Does it really make sense to do that when I'm about to move?
I talked to my husband a little bit. He seems pretty upbeat. So much nicer than last Sunday.
Thought of the day: I know I'm not as depressed when I think about what I'm doing, not about how I feel.
I'm trying to chat on PB Open, but it's not working. Dinah signed on while I was on the phone, and now she's not responding--probably got distracted too. Yahoo is just plain funky. It gets so slow, and boots people off whenever it feels like it.
Now Dinah's gone too. I'm all alone on Open. Someone show up, please, while I get something to drink.
Oh well.
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 21:58:52
In reply to Dear diary May 2, posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 21:08:55
Sometimes keeping a diary is tiresome. Every day, I have to think of something to say. Aliens landed today. I'm a paragon of stability compared to every one of other Babblers. I never tell a lie.
The point is to have keep a record of how I feel, and secondly what I've been up.
I got to bed earlier (about 11) but I didn't sleep well, and I woke up at about 5:30 AM. It got cold overnight, and stayed cool and rainy all day. I'd rather have it cool, but I like it when I can leave the dishes in the drainer and they dry by themselves. It was so damp today that the dishes didn't want to get dry. I hate drying them with a cloth.
I did a couple of chores I've been putting off, but I'm still procrastinating about a couple of things. Legal stuff having to do with my father's estate.
I was anxious in the afternoon, but for only a couple of hours. I was looking at a picture of a fashion model and the thought of my 50th birthday (this month) intruded. I'm having a hard time dealing with being middle aged. Maybe it was that, maybe I had too much coffee, maybe it was the aliens...who knows?
Anyway, it lasted only a couple of hours. I hate the feeling of being okay, more or less, and then being not-okay, and not knowing how to deal with it, or if it's going to stop, or if it means I'm going downhill again.
I was supposed to go to the thrift store with a friend, but she didn't call until way late. I thought she had forgotten, or was just blowing me off, but she had just gotten home late. It was drippy all day today, anyway--not the best day to haul donations into the store. We've rescheduled for tomorrow.
It's strange--I'll be doing things around the house, and something will strike me as interesting, and I'll think, "I'll put that in my diary", but by the time I come to write it down I'll have forgotten it.
Posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
In reply to Dear diary May 3, posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 21:58:52
Today was better than yesterday. I think I'm better, I think I'm better, I think I'm better, in a mild sort of way. I can *do* things again. Not everything, not totally, not perfectly, but I've been doing things I couldn't have done 2 weeks ago.
I took a carload of stuff to the thrift store. I walked around and priced things for tax purposes. I called people about rentals in San Francisco. I called the moving company.
I'm trying to eat better, and trying to take my vitamins every day.
I stayed up late last night and ate unhealthy food. I woke up late, too, and almost forgot to take my meds. I finally got around to calling my friend so we could go to the thrift store together, but she wasn't home, and I decided to go anyway. I got an estimate for all my father's stuff that I donated--about $1800! I 'm not sure how that works tax-wise, but it seems worth it.
I'll go back tomorrow or Thursday and get more info. for my own tax return. I'm so anal I can't just guess. I need facts.
Being in the thrift store triggered some anxiety. My task seems overwhelming, plus I saw an extremely ugly "World's Best Grandma" statuette. It just brought up thoughts about being old. But the anxiety wasn't as bad as yesterday.
I told my husband how nice he is to me. I was thinking about it because I gassed up my van today. The little door over the gas cap used to be stuck all the time, and he fixed it for me.
I found a terrific website on self-injury, called secret shame, that included a quote that other Babblers have picked up on. I love finding information. Here's the URL, if you didn't see it on PB-psychology:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.htmlSomething disgusting--I peed in my pants when I sneezed. Kegel exercises, here I come. It bothers me, but maybe not as much as it would have a couple of weeks ago. Or else I'm just avoiding the issue. Another "I'm getting old" thing.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:08:15
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
Hi I never read your diary before and know I can'tkeep up but I had to say I think its cool and that its nice you are making progress..I was touched you told hubbby he is nice..we all need to take time out to do that kinda thing..
HUGS AND GREAT DIARY
Posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 6:44:00
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 4 » Ilene, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:08:15
Posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2004, at 7:42:09
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
There was an article in a very recent time magazine about the importance of Kegelling. You might want to find it - it will make you feel much less alone.
P.S. My doctor suggested Kegelling when I drive - everytime you stop the car (at a stop sign or traffic light etc), you have to Kegel until you are moving again. I'm trying to remember!
P.P.S. I think that all women should Kegel on a regular basis - it is much better to stay in shape than to need to get *back* in shape...
Posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:51
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
Blazing bladders, Batman, I got another icky infection. My nice internist called Cipro into the pharmacy. He's not making me go into the office to pee in a cup. He said the bug that was behind my last bout was sensitive to every known antibiotic, even penicillin. I said I thought that was because I get my meat and poultry from Whole Foods because I don't want antibiotic resistance. Must've worked.
The inflammation could be the cause of the disgusting thing that happened last night. I'm going to keep Kegeling anyway. Can't hurt.
I went to the Textile Museum today and had them give me some information about two Chinese ethnic minority textiles I bought last summer in San Francisco. They do consultations the first Wednesday of every month for--get this--$5. I found out what group made these items (a Zhuang or Miao baby carrier, and a Miao collar, just so you'll know) and approximately when (about 50 or 60 years ago), and how to display and care for them. Now that I'm finally feeling up to getting out and doing things like this, and taking advantage of what Washington has to offer, I'm about to move.
I saw my pdoc this afternoon. We talked about whether the Cytomel would work by itself (probably not). I asked her why we hadn't done this two years ago. She actually took the question seriously after I half-apologized for expecting perfection. She said it was a good question, but she didn't exactly answer it.
She lent me a book called "Women Who Think Too Much", which sounds like women just like me--just think ourselves down into the ground.
She still wants me to get a psychopharm consult. We went over the drugs I took and how I responded. Her impressions were somewhat more positive than mine. I told her that, and she said she would put that in the file. I like the way she pays attention to what I think.
This week's diary installment was funny, too. She's just easily amused, I guess. She highlighted the part of my diary where I said that non-depressed people think about what they're doing, not how they're feeling.
Belatedly realized I didn't have a card for my son to send to his grandma (my MIL--my own mother is dead), so we took a nice little walk to the drugstore. It was fun teasing and joking with him, but not-fun too. It's hard to explain. I feel better, but not *better enough*. I was conscious of myself, as I had written. It was like being undepressed was always going to be an asymptote. I am never going to reach it.
Someone--Plato, maybe--wrote, "The good is the enemy of the best". I used to read that as meaning that being satisfied with the merely "good" prevents us from doing better, but now I read it to mean that striving for "best" prevents us from being satisfied with "good enough", which is usually what we've got right in front of us, AKA "the grass is always greener on the other side". If I were satisfied, I'd be satisfied. Sometimes I think that the experience of profound depression for a long time is as bad as the depression itself. It's like if you're very sick or injured physically, and have time to think about mortality, you experience more than the pain of being sick.
Posted by Ilene on May 6, 2004, at 22:38:13
In reply to Dear diary May 5, posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:51
I can't tell if I'm in a holding pattern or if things are continuing to get better. I still get anxious, usually at about 3PM. I can't tell if there's a physiological reason, if it's just a slump time, or if I've usually been exposed to enough stressors by that time of day that I begin to react. I IM'd my husband and we chatted about it, which helped me.
My friend Loni--the one who was all gung-ho about going to the thrift store with me, but then flaked out--stopped by and we spent about 2 hours talking. She has thyroid disease and said it took about 6 weeks of hormone treatment before she felt all the way better. I wonder if this means I'll continue to feel better on thyroid hormone too.
In the morning my husband and I had a rational discussion of his depression and anxiety. The worst part is that he's been talking to our daughter about "jumping off the bridge". I told him he can't do that. A parent cannot talk to a teenager about suicidal feelings, even if they are transient and not serious.
I got some little reports from my son's teachers. He's not doing well. I got mad at him. (It's usually hard for me to get very angry at him, because he hardly ever gets angry at me.) I've been asking him about homework and reminding him to do it, and either he's been lying to me or completely forgetting about it. Probably some of both. But he sat down and started working on a graph for science--he even asked me for some help--and didn't complain when I told him he couldn't go to his gaming club tonight.
Great news! He got into the high school in San Francisco that had him wait-listed. I was *so worried* that he wouldn't get in and would have to go to public school there. I've heard universally bad things about the public schools. This school does have "concerns" about his academic performance.
I think he is showing some signs of being less forgetful. I hope that means the Strattera is having some effect. It could be wishful thinking, though.
It's a great change to have some good news for once--esp. after my daughter was rejected from the colleges she applied to, and lost her job.
Posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
In reply to Dear diary May 6, posted by Ilene on May 6, 2004, at 22:38:13
Well, today was stressful and I was anxious for most of it. So much for yesterday's theories. I'm trying to get ready for tomorrow's trip to San Francisco (I'll be gone for a week, probably won't be posting, but one never knows). I even took some Klonopin.
My pattern is that I don't know what to start doing--I can think of several things at once. Sometimes I run from one to the other and don't finish any of them. What helps is to write a list and check things off. Just sitting down and making the list is a stress reliever.
Another thing that happens is that I feel *so stressed* I have to distract myself for a while. I have a hard time balancing these two things. If I distract myself--not always possible--then I don't finish what I need to do, but sometimes the task is just too daunting.
Yet another thing is that anxiety begets anxiety. I start berating myself for things I didn't do last year, or the year before, or the year before....
And the drugstore didn't have one of my meds, which means I'm going to have to go to a different one tomorrow morning. Just the thing on a day when I need to get to the airport.
I'm feeling a little estranged from PB right now. Just don't feel like jumping into any of the threads. I've tried to get on Open several times over the past few days, but either no one's been there, or the damn thing won't let me on, or refuses to acknowledge my existence. I'd like to now...maybe I will...it would be a time suck, though. I'm just feeling grouchy.
Posted by fallsfall on May 8, 2004, at 7:48:20
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
Ilene,
I hope you have a really good trip. Public libraries should have a computer you can use - and they are nice and quiet (except for those noisy librarians), a good way to escape for a minute if you need to.
I can relate to the rest of your post. Except sometimes making a list makes it all seem too much - it depends. I have to limit the list to things I can get done that day, usually. And the distraction vs. accomplishing thing can be so confusing and complex. Try, try, try to forgive yourself for the past.
Are you sure you can't get your regular meds? Can you go to a different pharmacy? This might be worth a bit of time and effort (just my opinion).
Best luck with the house hunting and seeing daughter and husband. Is son going with you?
Bon Voyage!
Posted by ilene on May 11, 2004, at 12:38:18
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
test
Posted by gardenergirl on May 11, 2004, at 23:07:52
In reply to Test, posted by ilene on May 11, 2004, at 12:38:18
Posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 20:09:19
In reply to A+, You passed! :) (nm) » ilene, posted by gardenergirl on May 11, 2004, at 23:07:52
Someone has school on the brain.
Posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 21:50:32
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
I got back from San Francisco late last night, daughter in tow. I had a pretty good trip, except for self-inflicted anxiety and depression. My CFS flared up on Thursday, but I still managed to have lunch with a friend and even do a little walking. I had to go home and take a nap after that.
I looked at two houses, one townhouse, and one apartment. There's one house we really want, but we couldn't sign the lease. They want to see our credit report first. I offered to pay the deposit in full. I'm worried, because the credit report is less than perfect. It's been perfect since I took over paying the bills last September, though.
This house is in the fog belt. I don't know if it's the best place for a depressed person. I suppose I could try getting full-spectrum lights if the grey gets too bad.
Today hasn't been so great, but I think travel and change do that to me. I think I will stop here and continue tomorrow.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2004, at 7:38:18
In reply to Re: A+, You passed! :) » gardenergirl, posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 20:09:19
Sorry, couldn't resist, but you are right about school. I think if I could shake my head like my dog, data would fly out of my ears.
Sounds like your trip to SF went okay, all things considered. I think your idea about full-spectrum lights is a great one. I know I need a lot of light, too. I can't stand gloomy. I always open the curtains and blinds in our family room, which gets morning light, and my hubby always closes them because of the glare on the TV. Where are his priorities??? :)
Take care. Hope you recover from the flare up soon!
gg
Posted by Ilene on May 17, 2004, at 22:29:01
In reply to Dear diary May 16, posted by Ilene on May 16, 2004, at 21:50:32
Today was better than yesterday. I better discuss yesterday before I get any further. . . The alarm woke me up at 7 AM but I managed to get some more sleep. I puttered around all morning and took a late shower. Just as I wrapped myself in my kimono I got a call from my son's friend L. (this kid is probably bipolar, BTW) Turns out my son had arranged for his group in his TV production class to come over and film at our house. However, my son was on a sailboat in the Chesapeake Bay at the time. L. and I figured out that he could do the filming because he needed the house as a set, not my son as an actor. Then the doorbell rang, and I was standing out on the porch, talking to a strange man, wearing nothing but my kimono, explaining the filming situation. Everything ended up okay, except I was late picking up my son. It made me anxious enough for long enough that I took some Klonopin, which didn't help much. Maybe it works better if I can take it before I get anxious.
My son didn't have a good explanation for why he thought he could be two places at once, other than that he forgot he had a field trip, or why he failed to discuss his plans with a responsible adult. He had a bright red sunburn even though he says he put on sunscreen. (We're all redheads.) He also said he felt sick. Sure enough, he was sick this morning and spent most of the day in bed.
More about San Francisco--did I say that my husband had to leave our son with friends most of the week? He forgot to cancel the boy's pdoc appt, and he forgot to pay the bills. I had the checks all made out; they just needed to be signed and popped in their envelopes. I called the pdoc and apologized when I found out my husband hadn't cancelled, so today I left a message asking to resched. Also paid the bills. One was due today, damn it.
Filled out the tuition forms and wrote a check for the tuition deposit for my son's outrageously expensive high school; sent the forms to my husband for his signature. (This is coming out of what I inherited from my father.) Can you tell I'm the one who's taken over the money?
Took my daughter and her friend over to the Value Village while I walked around trying to figure out what my donations were worth, until the manager asked me what I was doing. "We don't like people doing surveys in here," he said. (I wonder what harm it would do?) He said the IRS will audit me if I claim more than $500. He is, of course, full of it. I guess it's unusual to be so exacting about evaluating donations.
Took the girls over to another friend's house. His mom was there, so we all socialized for a while. I don't get enough of that.
Despite staying busy it wasn't such a great day. I think I've plateaued on my thyroid med. I'm going to see a psychopharmacologist tomorrow. It's going to cost a lot of money. I wonder if he will have anything new to say.
Posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
In reply to Dear diary May 17, posted by Ilene on May 17, 2004, at 22:29:01
The most significant thing that happened today was that I saw a psychopharmacologist. He thinks I should increase the cytomel, even to the point of slight hyperthyroidism. I'd already decided to ask for an increase. He also thinks I should replace the Risperdal with Zyprexa and the Klonopin with Xanax. I could go with that, except for the possibility of weight gain and diabetes with Zyprexa. He thinks I might do better on good ol' Prozac than Marplan. Not only does Marplan have dietary restrictions, but the number of ADs you can use with it are limited. Then he thinks I could try Lamictal again, and Wellbutrin....
And *then* he thinks I should start cutting back.
I think this is pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how much I should do a month before I'm planning to move.
He gave the names of a couple of psychopharmacologists who *might* be in San Francisco. I can't find either of them online.
Other than that--almost finished with figuring out how much our donations to Value Village are worth. Finally got out to Trader Joe's for groceries. Set up a tentative date for my son and his friend L. to see Gojira (Japanese version of "Godzilla").
Posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 22:51:18
In reply to Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
> The most significant thing that happened today was that I saw a psychopharmacologist. He thinks I should increase the cytomel, even to the point of slight hyperthyroidism. I'd already decided to ask for an increase. He also thinks I should replace the Risperdal with Zyprexa and the Klonopin with Xanax. I could go with that, except for the possibility of weight gain and diabetes with Zyprexa. He thinks I might do better on good ol' Prozac than Marplan. Not only does Marplan have dietary restrictions, but the number of ADs you can use with it are limited. Then he thinks I could try Lamictal again, and Wellbutrin....
>
> And *then* he thinks I should start cutting back.
>
> I think this is pretty interesting, but I'm not sure how much I should do a month before I'm planning to move.
>
> He gave the names of a couple of psychopharmacologists who *might* be in San Francisco. I can't find either of them online.
>
> Other than that--almost finished with figuring out how much our donations to Value Village are worth. Finally got out to Trader Joe's for groceries. Set up a tentative date for my son and his friend L. to see Gojira (Japanese version of "Godzilla").Ilene
Sounds to me that he is going around in circles on what you should or shouldn't be doing with your meds. Doesn't look like he can make a decision. I HATE med changes and I'm about to go through them again too. ugh!!! Did you come to any decision on your meds yet? I don't think I'd be making too many changes before your move. It might be better to wait till you get to your new place and then make the decision with whoever you will be seeing there. He may have a totally different opinion. JMHO!!!
Angel Girl
Posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 9:35:41
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 18 » Ilene, posted by Angel Girl on May 18, 2004, at 22:51:18
> Ilene
>
> Sounds to me that he is going around in circles on what you should or shouldn't be doing with your meds. Doesn't look like he can make a decision. I HATE med changes and I'm about to go through them again too. ugh!!! Did you come to any decision on your meds yet? I don't think I'd be making too many changes before your move. It might be better to wait till you get to your new place and then make the decision with whoever you will be seeing there. He may have a totally different opinion. JMHO!!!
>
> Angel GirlI'd already decided to ask for an increase in the Cytomel. I haven't gotten any side effects, and it's helped more than anything. The Zyprexa and Xanax are so similar to Risperdal and Klonopin that I don't think it will be a problem. Getting off Marplan is probably going to require a taper, so I think I will wait until my life is more stable (ha!).
I've been the one pushing my current pdoc to try new things. It was my idea to go on an MAOI, and my idea to go on Cytomel. She's not very aggressive w/ the meds. She wanted me to get a 2nd opinion because she feels out of her depth. If I can, I'll get a pdoc who's into psychopharmacology, but I can't find either of the docs that were recommended.
Posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 22:56:55
In reply to Dear diary May 18, posted by Ilene on May 18, 2004, at 21:53:55
I'm feeling a little crabby. I just don't want to write in my diary no more. Nyaah. It's getting so tedious.
Ho hum. What did we do today? We slept late. We turned off the alarm, rolled over, and went back to sleep.
Then we got up, farted around on the computer, got dressed, and went to see the pdoc. The psychopharmacologist faxed her his suggestions, which we went over. She thinks it would be a good idea to substitute Xanax XR (or whatever the extended release is called) for Klonopin. She can't give me any samples because it's a controlled substance, but I can get freebies at the pharmacy. Isn't marketing a wonderful thing? She's not so sure of the virtues of Zyprexa over Risperdal; or rather, she's worried about the potential for weight gain/diabetes w/ Zyprexa. We both think increasing the Cytomel is a good idea, and I have some script for it.
Neither of us thinks that tapering off Marplan is a good idea right now. I'll wait until I get to California.
I'm borrowing "Women Who Think Too Much" for another week. I'm not too impressed--lots of anecdotes, little in the way of fixes--but I want to give it another chance. (Okay, so I ruminate. Make me stop. I dare you.)
I found one of the pdocs the psychopharm. recommended in my pdoc's APA directory. I was spelling his name wrong, and he's at Stanford, not in SF. Stanford is a reasonable distance and a pretty drive. You get to go right along the San Andreas fault.
Then I invited my daughter's friend who sews to go fabric shopping. I'm looking for fabulous African fabric, but I can't find anything fabulous enough. A few "almosts", but nothing wonderfully wierd enough. There's a store in Virginia I know of--is crossing state lines in pursuit of fabric a punishable offense?
Then I came home and worked on pulling together some information for the tax man.
Posted by Ilene on May 20, 2004, at 19:19:50
In reply to Dear diary May 19, posted by Ilene on May 19, 2004, at 22:56:55
Today we (the Royal We) got up when the alarm went off. Did not roll over and go back to sleep. Consequently I am tired now.
Decided to take Klonopin. The psychopharm said something about getting the anxiety to go away by taking anti-anxiety drugs for long enough to "dampen" the response. I wonder if that's true. I feel calmer, anyway. Took it twice today.
Even managed to iron some clothes before getting a thyroid test, and another urine test because things haven't been feeling right down there.
Got all the estimates done for *all* the charitable contributions for the taxes. It's easier to guesstimate now.
Trying to get my husband to relax. His anxiety is worse than mine, I think, and he doesn't have any techniques to deal with it. He's worried about having a place to live--he can't the uncertainty. I'm more or less reconciled to it. Right now I need to make plans, and he's not much use. He can't make decisions.
He won't take care of himself. He won't work out, he won't find a pdoc, he won't do anything but work and worry, because "he doesn't have time". He's always worrying about his effin' job. He's afraid he's going to get fired, when the reverse is more likely to be true.
I don't feel like I can do much for him, because I know that my own thoughts and emotions often run on two different rail lines. At the same time, his depression and anxiety infect me like nothing else.
My daughter is in a snit because I won't get in touch with one of her old teachers for her. I told her she has to try doing it herself first. She claims it won't work. (I don't know if it would work if I did it either--the schools here are astonishingly unresponsive to parental requests.) But it's important for her to see if she can do it herself first, even if she is shy. Now she's just in a global snit and doesn't even want to wish her grandmother happy birthday.
Oh yeah--that's another thing--today is grandma's birthday. Do you think I got any warning from my husband? Argh.
I got ahold of a psychiatrist at Stanford University by e-mail. He says he treats people w/ bipolar disorder. I don't know if I have bipolar disorder or not. I certainly don't respond to ADs. At least I have a phone number for the mood disorders clinic at Stanford.
Need to do: straighten things out with the moving company. Do the paperwork to change the life insurance my father had on my husband over to me (I started this right before I went into the hospital in March, and dropped the ball). Get everything else changed over to my name--should be only a couple of things left. Procrastination at it's finest.
What else--call my dad's GF. Do laundry. Really, not insurmountable. Will do tomorrow.
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