![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 64 to 88 of 184. Go back in thread:
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 19:35:09
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26, posted by sdjeff on April 27, 2004, at 18:29:15
> Ilene, I'm sorry your day went badly. I wish you my best. I wold say more but my head's not in the best place right now.
>
> Best,
>
> JeffI understand about your head being someplace else. I've let so many things blow off because my head wasn't in a good place. It means something to me that you made the effort to wish me well.
I hope things stabilize for you. I was happy to read that things at work were going better. You have my respect for managing to hold onto your job.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 22:02:10
In reply to Dear diary April 26, posted by Ilene on April 26, 2004, at 21:01:07
My body felt depressed even before I woke up all the way.
New pattern: I take my Cytomel first thing, on an empty stomach, like it says to, and then read in bed.
My father died a year ago today. I didn't spend too much time on it today, but I was expecting a phone call from his GF. Maybe I'll call her tomorrow. I'll have to think of a more graceful opening than "Gee, I thought you'd call me yesterday."
I thought about it yesterday, I'll think about it tomorrow. I can't believe a year has gone by. I've been in suspended animation. This is what depression does to you--it puts you in stasis, but you don't wake up the same age, like in a sci-fi show.
It's so gratifying that so many people responded to my diary.
The weather was better. I gave the car a little wash, and even scrubbed some of the crud off the old Volvo (vintage 1976, doesn't run, need to get rid of it). Fed the birds and cleaned out the birdbath. Folded laundry--how's that for excitement? Filled out the stupid papers I neglected. Cleaned some of the letters, etc. off my desk. I'm trying to get the office organized, develop new systems of dealing with papers. Ordered some electrolyte solution--tastes like sweat, but seems to help me keep from getting light-headed--, a pair of shoes, and some support hose. No books, even though I feel deprived.
Combed vast wads of fur off the black cat. I should save her fur for some ditzy craft project. The gray cat didn't even show up for brekky. I wonder who he ate instead. Hope it didn't have feathers (unless it was a house sparrow or a starling). The gray cat sat in my lap for a while. He hasn't been doing that too much. It's nice.
I got some magazines! I think I've gotten all that I ordered. Archaeology is the most fun. Scientific American is the biggest disappointment.
Got mad at my son for his pathetic excuse for room-cleaning. He doesn't have the persistence to do it all at once, so he gets to set a timer for 1/2 hour and go for it, except he did hardly anything today. He *did* find a lost library book and his agenda book. I cooked a real dinner and asked him what he was doing in school. He said he was doing abolitionists. Many of them were Quakers, he said, and many of them were African-American. I didn't know that.
I took Klonopin twice today. I think that made a difference. I feel not-to-terrible now.
Chatted with my husband. We miss each other. He's decided to work less--hurray!--and get a real pdoc, instead of a regular doc and a therapist. He says his therapist mostly told him the obvious.
I had a fun little chat in Open, yesterday and today.
Posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:20:33
In reply to Dear diary April 27, posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 22:02:10
I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Gardenergirl is right about the ups and downs.
That's good news about your husband.
(Can you tell my brain feels like rice pudding this morning?)
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 14:13:24
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 26 » Ilene, posted by rainyday on April 27, 2004, at 13:27:41
> I'm sorry you feel things are going so badly. It's nasty how low our lows can go. You really get your hopes up when you start feeling a little better, and then wham! you get knocked back again.
>That's why I feel unsure when I start feeling a little better. Am I shooting myself in the foot? I wonder.
> I have often wondered if I'll ever be better again; whether my medication has made me worse; if I stopped taking anything if I would be OK; whether the meds have permanently changed my brain; why does my life seem so much more complicated than it's every been; and whether all this angst and misery will ever be worth it.
>I think if a person is seriously mentally ill then taking meds is always better than not taking them. The disease changes your brain, too. I wonder about all the other stuff, too--whether I'll ever be better, if it's going to be worth it.
My life seems less complicated, because I have so much time on my hands. Unless your job is truly hellacious, then working is better than not working.
> My life feels like such a drama. If I was a soap opera, I would change the channels pronto.
>What a wonderful analogy!
> Take heart, Ilene. Keep putting your thoughts here, good and bad. Just get through this day, and remember that there are many people on this board who care about you!
>
> rainyday
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 14:32:03
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 27 » Ilene, posted by Dinah on April 28, 2004, at 9:20:33
> I'm glad you're feeling a bit better. Gardenergirl is right about the ups and downs.
>
I think I'm still feeling better. I'm extremely anxious right now. I'm not sure why, or if there even is a "why". I'm *maybe* a little less depressed.I can think of times when I've been much worse.
> That's good news about your husband.
Yes! He's got to actually do what he says he will, though.
>
> (Can you tell my brain feels like rice pudding this morning?)No...but I love rice pudding. Bread pudding, too.
I.
Posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 22:15:30
In reply to Dear diary April 27, posted by Ilene on April 27, 2004, at 22:02:10
Listening to iTunes for once. White Stripes.
Didn't call my dad's GF. Just didn't think about it.
Don't know why I bothered washing the cars yesterday. They're covered with a dusting of yellow-green oak pollen.
I didn't wake up until 10 AM! Went to bed a little after midnight. The man from the moving company came at about 11.
Saw my pdoc. She talked about dialectics--working with contradictions. I talked about how I feel a need to worry about certain things--like what might happen to my kids. 1) Pessimism feels "safer" than optimism--less of a fall to take if X bad thing happens. 2) I need to have alternative plans. 3) I feel that if I think enough I'll solve the problem.
She says it's going to be very uncomfortable *not* to worry about things.
She'll put my on 50 mcg. of Cytomel pretty soon if we don't get any response. (She's finally getting tired of something to happen.) But she thinks I'm doing better than before. Maybe. I'm still pretty effin' miserable.
Got after my son about the clothes on the floor. A little progress there. Dimbulb found his library book but didn't take it to school. Argh!
Tried to do some sewing but mostly tired to get my serger re-threaded correctly.
Talked w/ my daughter. Felt unstilted. She complained a lot. Oh well.
Posted by fallsfall on April 29, 2004, at 8:45:05
In reply to Dear diary April 28, posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 22:15:30
(((((Ilene)))))
Hang in there!
Posted by Ilene on April 29, 2004, at 21:28:53
In reply to Dear diary April 28, posted by Ilene on April 28, 2004, at 22:15:30
I think it's interesting how many people read my diary. So much of it is "put on my pants...put on my shoes...bitched and moaned about something irrelevant...felt depressed...felt anxious" No literary merit whatsoever.
My husband says our daughter is depressed. I'm actually glad she's not on IM tonight. I don't want her to be depressed--one of my worst fears--and I don't want to be supportive mom. How can I tell her it'll all work out when it doesn't?
I'm having an easier time, due to Klonopin. I feel guilty about taking it, of course, but f**k it.
My good friend, the one who visited for 2 weeks, is coming back next week for a couple of days! Oh boy! Then I go to SF for a week. Feeling nervous about that. On Monday I was sure I couldn't do it. I have more confidence now.
Listening to the Bangles.
Maybe I'll even have enough confidence to call the realtor tomorrow.
Managed to struggle into consciousness at about 9. Swallowed my "take on an empty stomach" pill, read for an hour. Mostly Time magazine.
I'm not as fat as I was, but I'm not as thin (so to speak) as I was before that. Down to 162.
Woke up depressed and anxious. Klonopin helped. I said that already, didn't I? Took a second dose at about 5 PM, so I'm still okay, pretty much. Remembering that *not* worrying will be uncomfortable.
Saw lots of birds--a red belly, a goldfinch, some native sparrow, a gray and yellow bird that I couldn't recognize (might have been a goldfinch seen from above).
Didn't accomplish much of my stated goal--get things in the car to take to charity--but I did some sewing. Repaired a dress and made a storage bag. Now I want to do some more sewing.
I tried to change my profile so I'll show up on PB Open as "me", but it doesn't seem to have worked. I like Open, but I can see how a person could spend too much time there.
Posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
In reply to Dear diary April 29, posted by Ilene on April 29, 2004, at 21:28:53
Not quite as good as yesterday but I took Klonopin only once. Didn't help as much today.
I remember thinking all kinds of things that I wanted to write down--but I forgot them!
My friend can't visit until the middle of May. I'm trying to be philosophical about it.
I did just a little sewing. Now it's too late to do more. I got some things in the car to take to charity, and I neatened up the front porch some.
I procrastinate an awful lot.
My son went over to a friend's for a gaming afternoon--no school today--maybe this kid can come over tomorrow. I want to encourage my son's social life, but at the same time I don't like having kids over. My son has to finish cleaning the bathroom before anyone can come over. He did a lot of it this morning, but I helped.
I keep wondering what the rest of my life is going to be like. Whether when I'm dying I'll think it was worth it, or whether I will feel bitter over having it stolen by depression. Goes along with suicidal ideation. I don't think it's a good idea to continue along this line. Hard to stop myself, though.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 8:42:30
In reply to Dear diary April 30, posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
Ilene,
I enjoy reading your diary even if it seems mundane. I think it really documents day to day progress. So often it's hard to notice from day to day that things are getting better. But if you look at all you are accomplishing, even small things we all have to do, it really shows that you are slowly getting better. Personally, I think that is a joy to see. And it is so generous of you to share it with us.Are you going to SF permanently, or just for a visit until the move?
gg
Posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 10:11:54
In reply to Re: Dear diary April 30, posted by gardenergirl on May 1, 2004, at 8:42:30
> Ilene,
> I enjoy reading your diary even if it seems mundane. I think it really documents day to day progress. So often it's hard to notice from day to day that things are getting better. But if you look at all you are accomplishing, even small things we all have to do, it really shows that you are slowly getting better. Personally, I think that is a joy to see. And it is so generous of you to share it with us.
>I think you are right, I am slowly getting better, but I get knocked down s-o-o-o easily. I live with an underlying terror that something bad will happen and I will descend again. It's hard for me not to fear that something bad will happen *again*. (Assault, violent death, false accusations of criminal behavior, stuff like that.)
One of my problems is that I'm "too smart for my own good". I think all the time--what if? what if?--what does this mean?.... I'm very intelligent. I don't know if intelligence and depression are connected, but the things I enjoy nearly always involve learning. It's frustrating knowing that I have the capability to achieve and maybe contribute to the world, but my depression has stymied it.
Having my diary online helps me keep going on it. I revise it and give it to my pdoc/therp. It makes her laugh sometimes.
> Are you going to SF permanently, or just for a visit until the move?
>I'm going to SF in a week on a house-hunting expedition, and then moving there permanently in summer.
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
In reply to Dear diary April 30, posted by Ilene on April 30, 2004, at 21:48:06
It's late! My son's cat is sick, and my husband and daughter have been IMing me for about an hour.
The gray cat seemed kind of droopy this afternoon, and he didn't eat his dinner, and now he is hiding under what is currently the spare bed. Since he is an indoor/outdoor cat I am worried that he might have eaten something he shouldn't have. I called the emergency animal hospital. The man said to watch him for vomiting or excess use of the cat box. He hasn't done either of those things.
I did a few things that make me stressed, but no Klonopin today. I'm trying to clean out the house prior to moving--it's overwhelming. I have too much stuff. It's hard to get rid of it. I try to get rid of something every day.
I got a couple of trash bags of stuff in the van, and I'll take them down to Value Village (like Goodwill or Salvation Army) on Monday. The part I hate doing is trying to figure out what things are worth for a tax write-off. I'm just too anal about all this stuff.
My son spends most of his weekends reading or goofing around online. He IMs his friends. I'd like to see him see his friends in person. I told him he could invite someone over once he cleaned the bathroom--he got most of it clean yesterday--but it wasn't enough of a motivator. He also forgets what I tell him. He doesn't actually see the dirt, either. The bathroom is pretty clean now, though. I told him I"d wash the floor.
I had some philosophical thoughts today, but I forgot them....I'm getting tired.
Posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2004, at 15:50:38
In reply to Dear diary May 1, posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
about your cat: once my dog ate a certain birth control that i was usinging (they eat the strangest things, don't they?) and i had to call the number on the back of the package. turned out it was harmless. perhaps your kitty just has a belly ache? is your kitty attempting to eat plants in the house or grass? i've heard that helps settle the stomach.
about moving: yuck! i've been known to stay in places i can't afford just to avoid it. and i also move with just a car load of stuff. but, i don't become attached to anything either. not really people or items. i throw everything out. i'm amazed when i help people move to see the items they keep. i was once helping my mother move and i kept trying to throw her things out. she kept saying, "karen kay! don't throw that away!" i didn't realize people become attached to items. i don't even keep photos. i think the only ones i have are in frames and when i get a new one, i throw the old one away. my sisters always ask about this. but, i think it's a hassle to keep things. and i guess i don't form attachments. perhaps i should work on that in therapy :)
about philosopholical thoughts: i think i have them from time to time, but then i forget my train of thought and they don't sound nearly as good as i originally thought they had. either that or the drugs wear off. i'm never really certain. but, i've tried writing them down and they still don't make much sense to me.
sounds like you are making progress dear. not just in moving. and it's very brave of you to let it out for the world to see. wonderful!! sf is beautiful, isn't it? good luck on your house-hunting. may i visit when you get settled? i'd offer to help you move but i relly can't stand it and i may throw most of your belongings out. you'd really dislike me then :)
(oh, and if you hadn't noticed, i'm attempting to avoid studying for finals... it's successful so far. but i'll be kicking myself tomorrow! ich musse lernen. ich musse lernen. ICH MUSSE LERNEN. see, i've got that down. that's all i need to know about german, right? let's hope so)
good luck to you ilene. i do enjoy reading.
Posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 17:04:33
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 1 » Ilene, posted by karen_kay on May 2, 2004, at 15:50:38
> about your cat: once my dog ate a certain birth control that i was usinging (they eat the strangest things, don't they?) and i had to call the number on the back of the package. turned out it was harmless. perhaps your kitty just has a belly ache? is your kitty attempting to eat plants in the house or grass? i've heard that helps settle the stomach.
>He's much better today. He showed up for breakfast, and he's no longer hiding under the bed. He doesn't seem quite himself yet, however.
I was afraid I'd wake up to a dead cat and my son would be in tears. Worry, worry, worry....
On the other hand, he torments the other cat to the extent that we had to move the litter box into the so-called powder room, which is where guests use the toilet. Yuck. And he bites. Hard!
> about moving: yuck! i've been known to stay in places i can't afford just to avoid it. and i also move with just a car load of stuff. but, i don't become attached to anything either. not really people or items. i throw everything out. i'm amazed when i help people move to see the items they keep. i was once helping my mother move and i kept trying to throw her things out. she kept saying, "karen kay! don't throw that away!" i didn't realize people become attached to items. i don't even keep photos. i think the only ones i have are in frames and when i get a new one, i throw the old one away. my sisters always ask about this. but, i think it's a hassle to keep things. and i guess i don't form attachments. perhaps i should work on that in therapy :)
>I don't know if not forming attachments to *things* is something I'd bother about. Not forming attachments to people--that's different. They point of the photo is the person it's of (or the place) .
I usually form attachments to things. They become souvenirs. Besides, I'm so cheap I hate to throw anything away. I just have to tell myself that paying for the space to store something actually costs more than the thing itself. Or that I'm never going to finish the half-done project.
> about philosopholical thoughts: i think i have them from time to time, but then i forget my train of thought and they don't sound nearly as good as i originally thought they had. either that or the drugs wear off. i'm never really certain. but, i've tried writing them down and they still don't make much sense to me.
>My philosophical thoughts are the things I'm always going back to--my broodings and ruminations. Not neccessarily "deep".
> sounds like you are making progress dear. not just in moving. and it's very brave of you to let it out for the world to see. wonderful!! sf is beautiful, isn't it? good luck on your house-hunting. may i visit when you get settled? i'd offer to help you move but i relly can't stand it and i may throw most of your belongings out. you'd really dislike me then :)
>I've been feeling better. I wonder if it's the thyroid med I've been taking. I don't realize that I'm feeling better until I think about how I felt a few months ago--suicidal and so on. I don't get nearly as much suicidal ideation. Sometimes I can even get absorbed in what I'm doing instead of worrying and ruminating.
*Everyone* wants to visit us once we get settled!
> (oh, and if you hadn't noticed, i'm attempting to avoid studying for finals... it's successful so far. but i'll be kicking myself tomorrow! ich musse lernen. ich musse lernen. ICH MUSSE LERNEN. see, i've got that down. that's all i need to know about german, right? let's hope so)
>Did you ever read Mark Twain's "The Awful German Language"?
Cheers,
I.
Posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 21:08:55
In reply to Dear diary May 1, posted by Ilene on May 1, 2004, at 22:47:02
Good news! The gray kitty seems to have recovered. He showed up for breakfast so I knew he was better. Last night he hid under the spare bed and growled whenever I touched him; tonight sat in my lap.
It was hot today, which makes me feel weak and dizzy, but I drank some of the truly disgusting electrolyte solution my internist recommended and didn't feel too bad. Right now it's raining--one of the tropical downpours I never saw in California--which usually means it will cool off. If it doesn't it will be time for the AC. Time between heat off and AC on is about 30 days in this climate.
I love the way it smells when it rains, and the way the wind chimes sound.
Today we had the usual Sunday School/grocery shopping. Since my son cleaned the bathroom I told him he could invite a friend over. He actually got two--his regular best buddy, and his newer friend Louis, who has bipolar disorder. His mom and I had a talk about meds ("Risperdal? Why I take that!") Louis seems like a nice kid but his mom says he has a problem with anger, and doing things like simply getting out of bed. (He's also 5'9" at the age of 13. Are males getting bigger?) Good thing I got an extra quart of milk.
My son must have grown an inch in 2 weeks. He is now taller than I am.
I'm sorting through my fabric collection. I'm actually giving a little bit away. It's getting all organized into bins and baskets (Asian, African, solid, printed, scraps, silk, knits...) I want to start a couple of projects. Does it really make sense to do that when I'm about to move?
I talked to my husband a little bit. He seems pretty upbeat. So much nicer than last Sunday.
Thought of the day: I know I'm not as depressed when I think about what I'm doing, not about how I feel.
I'm trying to chat on PB Open, but it's not working. Dinah signed on while I was on the phone, and now she's not responding--probably got distracted too. Yahoo is just plain funky. It gets so slow, and boots people off whenever it feels like it.
Now Dinah's gone too. I'm all alone on Open. Someone show up, please, while I get something to drink.
Oh well.
Posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 21:58:52
In reply to Dear diary May 2, posted by Ilene on May 2, 2004, at 21:08:55
Sometimes keeping a diary is tiresome. Every day, I have to think of something to say. Aliens landed today. I'm a paragon of stability compared to every one of other Babblers. I never tell a lie.
The point is to have keep a record of how I feel, and secondly what I've been up.
I got to bed earlier (about 11) but I didn't sleep well, and I woke up at about 5:30 AM. It got cold overnight, and stayed cool and rainy all day. I'd rather have it cool, but I like it when I can leave the dishes in the drainer and they dry by themselves. It was so damp today that the dishes didn't want to get dry. I hate drying them with a cloth.
I did a couple of chores I've been putting off, but I'm still procrastinating about a couple of things. Legal stuff having to do with my father's estate.
I was anxious in the afternoon, but for only a couple of hours. I was looking at a picture of a fashion model and the thought of my 50th birthday (this month) intruded. I'm having a hard time dealing with being middle aged. Maybe it was that, maybe I had too much coffee, maybe it was the aliens...who knows?
Anyway, it lasted only a couple of hours. I hate the feeling of being okay, more or less, and then being not-okay, and not knowing how to deal with it, or if it's going to stop, or if it means I'm going downhill again.
I was supposed to go to the thrift store with a friend, but she didn't call until way late. I thought she had forgotten, or was just blowing me off, but she had just gotten home late. It was drippy all day today, anyway--not the best day to haul donations into the store. We've rescheduled for tomorrow.
It's strange--I'll be doing things around the house, and something will strike me as interesting, and I'll think, "I'll put that in my diary", but by the time I come to write it down I'll have forgotten it.
Posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
In reply to Dear diary May 3, posted by Ilene on May 3, 2004, at 21:58:52
Today was better than yesterday. I think I'm better, I think I'm better, I think I'm better, in a mild sort of way. I can *do* things again. Not everything, not totally, not perfectly, but I've been doing things I couldn't have done 2 weeks ago.
I took a carload of stuff to the thrift store. I walked around and priced things for tax purposes. I called people about rentals in San Francisco. I called the moving company.
I'm trying to eat better, and trying to take my vitamins every day.
I stayed up late last night and ate unhealthy food. I woke up late, too, and almost forgot to take my meds. I finally got around to calling my friend so we could go to the thrift store together, but she wasn't home, and I decided to go anyway. I got an estimate for all my father's stuff that I donated--about $1800! I 'm not sure how that works tax-wise, but it seems worth it.
I'll go back tomorrow or Thursday and get more info. for my own tax return. I'm so anal I can't just guess. I need facts.
Being in the thrift store triggered some anxiety. My task seems overwhelming, plus I saw an extremely ugly "World's Best Grandma" statuette. It just brought up thoughts about being old. But the anxiety wasn't as bad as yesterday.
I told my husband how nice he is to me. I was thinking about it because I gassed up my van today. The little door over the gas cap used to be stuck all the time, and he fixed it for me.
I found a terrific website on self-injury, called secret shame, that included a quote that other Babblers have picked up on. I love finding information. Here's the URL, if you didn't see it on PB-psychology:
http://www.palace.net/~llama/psych/injury.htmlSomething disgusting--I peed in my pants when I sneezed. Kegel exercises, here I come. It bothers me, but maybe not as much as it would have a couple of weeks ago. Or else I'm just avoiding the issue. Another "I'm getting old" thing.
Posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:08:15
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
Hi I never read your diary before and know I can'tkeep up but I had to say I think its cool and that its nice you are making progress..I was touched you told hubbby he is nice..we all need to take time out to do that kinda thing..
HUGS AND GREAT DIARY
Posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 6:44:00
In reply to Re: Dear diary May 4 » Ilene, posted by Fallen4MyT on May 4, 2004, at 23:08:15
Posted by fallsfall on May 5, 2004, at 7:42:09
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
There was an article in a very recent time magazine about the importance of Kegelling. You might want to find it - it will make you feel much less alone.
P.S. My doctor suggested Kegelling when I drive - everytime you stop the car (at a stop sign or traffic light etc), you have to Kegel until you are moving again. I'm trying to remember!
P.P.S. I think that all women should Kegel on a regular basis - it is much better to stay in shape than to need to get *back* in shape...
Posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:51
In reply to Dear diary May 4, posted by Ilene on May 4, 2004, at 22:49:46
Blazing bladders, Batman, I got another icky infection. My nice internist called Cipro into the pharmacy. He's not making me go into the office to pee in a cup. He said the bug that was behind my last bout was sensitive to every known antibiotic, even penicillin. I said I thought that was because I get my meat and poultry from Whole Foods because I don't want antibiotic resistance. Must've worked.
The inflammation could be the cause of the disgusting thing that happened last night. I'm going to keep Kegeling anyway. Can't hurt.
I went to the Textile Museum today and had them give me some information about two Chinese ethnic minority textiles I bought last summer in San Francisco. They do consultations the first Wednesday of every month for--get this--$5. I found out what group made these items (a Zhuang or Miao baby carrier, and a Miao collar, just so you'll know) and approximately when (about 50 or 60 years ago), and how to display and care for them. Now that I'm finally feeling up to getting out and doing things like this, and taking advantage of what Washington has to offer, I'm about to move.
I saw my pdoc this afternoon. We talked about whether the Cytomel would work by itself (probably not). I asked her why we hadn't done this two years ago. She actually took the question seriously after I half-apologized for expecting perfection. She said it was a good question, but she didn't exactly answer it.
She lent me a book called "Women Who Think Too Much", which sounds like women just like me--just think ourselves down into the ground.
She still wants me to get a psychopharm consult. We went over the drugs I took and how I responded. Her impressions were somewhat more positive than mine. I told her that, and she said she would put that in the file. I like the way she pays attention to what I think.
This week's diary installment was funny, too. She's just easily amused, I guess. She highlighted the part of my diary where I said that non-depressed people think about what they're doing, not how they're feeling.
Belatedly realized I didn't have a card for my son to send to his grandma (my MIL--my own mother is dead), so we took a nice little walk to the drugstore. It was fun teasing and joking with him, but not-fun too. It's hard to explain. I feel better, but not *better enough*. I was conscious of myself, as I had written. It was like being undepressed was always going to be an asymptote. I am never going to reach it.
Someone--Plato, maybe--wrote, "The good is the enemy of the best". I used to read that as meaning that being satisfied with the merely "good" prevents us from doing better, but now I read it to mean that striving for "best" prevents us from being satisfied with "good enough", which is usually what we've got right in front of us, AKA "the grass is always greener on the other side". If I were satisfied, I'd be satisfied. Sometimes I think that the experience of profound depression for a long time is as bad as the depression itself. It's like if you're very sick or injured physically, and have time to think about mortality, you experience more than the pain of being sick.
Posted by Ilene on May 6, 2004, at 22:38:13
In reply to Dear diary May 5, posted by Ilene on May 5, 2004, at 22:27:51
I can't tell if I'm in a holding pattern or if things are continuing to get better. I still get anxious, usually at about 3PM. I can't tell if there's a physiological reason, if it's just a slump time, or if I've usually been exposed to enough stressors by that time of day that I begin to react. I IM'd my husband and we chatted about it, which helped me.
My friend Loni--the one who was all gung-ho about going to the thrift store with me, but then flaked out--stopped by and we spent about 2 hours talking. She has thyroid disease and said it took about 6 weeks of hormone treatment before she felt all the way better. I wonder if this means I'll continue to feel better on thyroid hormone too.
In the morning my husband and I had a rational discussion of his depression and anxiety. The worst part is that he's been talking to our daughter about "jumping off the bridge". I told him he can't do that. A parent cannot talk to a teenager about suicidal feelings, even if they are transient and not serious.
I got some little reports from my son's teachers. He's not doing well. I got mad at him. (It's usually hard for me to get very angry at him, because he hardly ever gets angry at me.) I've been asking him about homework and reminding him to do it, and either he's been lying to me or completely forgetting about it. Probably some of both. But he sat down and started working on a graph for science--he even asked me for some help--and didn't complain when I told him he couldn't go to his gaming club tonight.
Great news! He got into the high school in San Francisco that had him wait-listed. I was *so worried* that he wouldn't get in and would have to go to public school there. I've heard universally bad things about the public schools. This school does have "concerns" about his academic performance.
I think he is showing some signs of being less forgetful. I hope that means the Strattera is having some effect. It could be wishful thinking, though.
It's a great change to have some good news for once--esp. after my daughter was rejected from the colleges she applied to, and lost her job.
Posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
In reply to Dear diary May 6, posted by Ilene on May 6, 2004, at 22:38:13
Well, today was stressful and I was anxious for most of it. So much for yesterday's theories. I'm trying to get ready for tomorrow's trip to San Francisco (I'll be gone for a week, probably won't be posting, but one never knows). I even took some Klonopin.
My pattern is that I don't know what to start doing--I can think of several things at once. Sometimes I run from one to the other and don't finish any of them. What helps is to write a list and check things off. Just sitting down and making the list is a stress reliever.
Another thing that happens is that I feel *so stressed* I have to distract myself for a while. I have a hard time balancing these two things. If I distract myself--not always possible--then I don't finish what I need to do, but sometimes the task is just too daunting.
Yet another thing is that anxiety begets anxiety. I start berating myself for things I didn't do last year, or the year before, or the year before....
And the drugstore didn't have one of my meds, which means I'm going to have to go to a different one tomorrow morning. Just the thing on a day when I need to get to the airport.
I'm feeling a little estranged from PB right now. Just don't feel like jumping into any of the threads. I've tried to get on Open several times over the past few days, but either no one's been there, or the damn thing won't let me on, or refuses to acknowledge my existence. I'd like to now...maybe I will...it would be a time suck, though. I'm just feeling grouchy.
Posted by fallsfall on May 8, 2004, at 7:48:20
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
Ilene,
I hope you have a really good trip. Public libraries should have a computer you can use - and they are nice and quiet (except for those noisy librarians), a good way to escape for a minute if you need to.
I can relate to the rest of your post. Except sometimes making a list makes it all seem too much - it depends. I have to limit the list to things I can get done that day, usually. And the distraction vs. accomplishing thing can be so confusing and complex. Try, try, try to forgive yourself for the past.
Are you sure you can't get your regular meds? Can you go to a different pharmacy? This might be worth a bit of time and effort (just my opinion).
Best luck with the house hunting and seeing daughter and husband. Is son going with you?
Bon Voyage!
Posted by ilene on May 11, 2004, at 12:38:18
In reply to Dear diary May 7, posted by Ilene on May 7, 2004, at 21:27:18
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