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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by inthegloaming on March 24, 2004, at 8:03:44
In reply to Hello,SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 23, 2004, at 23:19:56
hey sandy,
i've been reading your posts for some time, and i'm still confused. what happened exactly? how did the police find out where you lived, etc. etc? sorry if it's painful for you to re-count, i'm just a little late to the game.
also, i think it's supremely awesome that you are a nurse. i've been considering that for a while as something i might want to do, and it's a super-brave profession. just thought i'd tell ya.
best,
g.
Posted by jlynne on March 24, 2004, at 13:19:20
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 5:46:54
Sandy, I haven't left my friends. Friends can have differences and still be friends:) I just figured you probably wouldn't be going back to post over there, and I didn't want to lose touch with you. You have got a lot on your shoulders right now.
How are you feeling today? Please, keep in touch. And thank you for answering my post.
...jlynne
Posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 14:48:39
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by inthegloaming on March 24, 2004, at 8:03:44
Hi g.,
That's the whole deal. I'm NOT a nurse, and never will get the opportunity to complete my education. I was getting so close, but it's not to be. When the police asked what they could do for me, I said that they could provide me with a chunk of money! Lol. Made them laugh anyways.
Now I can't think of anything to look forward to. Such is life.
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 14:56:38
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 24, 2004, at 13:19:20
Hi jlynne,
Thanks for starting this thread. How neat. My own little space in cyber-land. Lol.
So, how am I feeling today? Different. I'm really tired. I think all that "acting" with the police was draining. I didn't want them here. It was too invasive.
I'm just so tired, and I can't seem to think much further than the next minute. My mind just seems to be blank. It's so odd. Like I'm shutting down or something. I don't have any energy left to fight, you know?
I'm not willing to say too much on this board as I know that Dr. Bob is listening. He has an ethical obligation to act on situations that he deems dangerous. I can't play the games right now. I'm tired.
Thanks for reaching out to me. I'm still here. Nothing much has changed, but I'm still here. That's what everyone seems to want. *sigh*
Is there anything I can do for you? How is your recovery coming?
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on March 24, 2004, at 15:26:55
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 14:56:38
>>
> I'm just so tired, and I can't seem to think much further than the next minute. My mind just seems to be blank. It's so odd. Like I'm shutting down or something. I don't have any energy left to fight, you know?
>
>> SandySandy, I know that feeling - it comes right after an emotional upheaval for me. I think it is the body's way of trying to protect us while we are "coming down" from an overload. I find it best to require as little as possible of myself during those times. When is your next appt with your pdoc?
Are you able to keep your meds straight? (I mean take them as directed, on time, etc?) I know you are on some pretty heavy duty meds. I have to keep a log to make sure I take mine correctly.
I am taking Lexapro and Lorazepam. I just recently started taking the Lex in the early evening, as opposed to 1st thing in the a.m. Too soon to tell if it helped. I just hate this feeling of being "wired but tired". But at least I am no longer crying all the time.
When I first came to this board, I didn't have the courage to submit a post - it took me about a month to finally respond to someone. I was having a problem with social anxiety, too. I still feel like running by the time I get through the checkout lines sometimes, but it is getting better.
I hope you are able to find time to just breathe and kick back a little. Not easy when you have children at home, eh? The numbness is part of a healing process - it will pass, kind of like a veil being lifted, and you will see more clearly.
God bless you and your family. ...jlynne
Posted by Simus on March 24, 2004, at 17:10:09
In reply to Hello,SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 23, 2004, at 23:19:56
If you want to contact me, I have set up an e-mail address at SimusBabble at yahoo.com
Posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 20:28:39
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 24, 2004, at 17:10:09
Hi Simus,
I sent you an email this afternoon. Did you not receive it?
Sandy
Posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 20:47:02
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 24, 2004, at 15:26:55
Hi jlynne,
Gosh, today has been utterly useless. I mainly sat in a chair with a blanket around me. I couldn't really even think beyond that. I didn't like it.
I seem to be "waking up" now. Just my luck, because it's bedtime! Lol!! Along with feeling more alert, I also have a feeling in my tummy like I want to have a panic attack. I haven't had one in ages, and I really don't want this to happen. I'm fighting it, but it's scary.
Yes, I was able to keep my meds straight. I made sure I took them because otherwise I knew I would be in trouble. Like I said, the Celexa seems to be keeping my head above water.....and I don't want to lose that. But I also feel like it's not cutting it as much anymore. I'm already at 80mg, so I don't think I can go any higher. I'll just have to weather this as best I can.
I wouldn't say that I'm on heavy-duty meds. The Celexa is common enough. I use the Neurontin for social anxiety, and the Inderal LA is because both the Neurontin and Celexa cause my blood pressure to skyrocket. Plus, it has the added benefit of keeping my heart from going crazy on me and freaking me out! *smile*
The paperwork is taken care of. I also got Carly into the doctor's yesterday, and she was given sleeping pills to help her with her "phobia". I've also started the referral process for her to see a therapist. She didn't take a pill last night....she slept with me again....but tonight she took it and is in her own bed right now. I hope she is actually asleep. Poor thing.
I'll still have to look into the bankruptcy thing. I could never repay the student loans in a million years.....not when my life will consist of sitting on my butt reading books. Not a thought I want to give much time to.
As for the two police visits, I'm not sure why they each had different emails. The first guys had the one from the 18th where I was talking about walking into the forest and going to sleep under a tree. The second guys showed me the message from Dr. Bob along with my email stating going to the University and the things I needed to do. Unless Dr. Bob sent a bunch of my messages, and they just picked the ones they liked! I don't really know. I don't really care. It doesn't really matter.
So....you mentioned that the veil would lift and I'd see more clearly. Well, it appears to be lifting....and I'm only seeing what I saw before. I guess that's as clear as it will ever get. I mean, where the heck do I go from here? I don't want anymore police visits (I'd be completely grey after the next visit! Lol), but I don't see a future for me. I just don't have anywhere to go.
But I'll keep looking.
God bless you jlynne,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on March 24, 2004, at 22:04:04
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb » jlynne, posted by SandyWeb on March 24, 2004, at 20:47:02
Sandy, I wish I had the answers that you need to hear. I only know from my own experiences, and since I've made some really rotten choices over the years, my advice would probably be wrong, anyway.
My life has taken a completely different turn from what I had expected and planned for it to be, and I'm not even sure of how I got to where I am. I never did get to finish school, had to settle for an Associate's degree. Then, something else happened, something traumatic that set me back for awhile, and I wasn't even able to work for a couple yrs.
I know that God led me to the job that I have now; it was by one of those proverbial "twists of fate" that I was hired. It has turned out to be the best job I have ever had, and I have now been with the agency for 12 yrs. I love what I do (I am in social services, working with the elderly) and my co-workers are like family. But I never would have guessed that this would be my life's work.
I guess my point is that we just never know what God has planned for us. You have been listening to Him, and following his lead for a long time; that is all that He asks of us. And it was not all for no reason - I am sure you have touched the lives of people along the way; you have been where you were supposed to be, and done what you were supposed to be doing. You are in the wilderness now, but He will stay with you and lead you out, you just wait and see. It is His promise.
I hope your daughter gets a good night's sleep tonight, and I will pray for peace over you and your house. Take care ...jlynne
P.S. I guess I consider Neurontin "heavy duty" because when I took it, it knocked me for a loop!
Posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 2:18:45
In reply to Sandy, posted by jlynne on March 24, 2004, at 22:04:04
Sandy,
I bow my knees to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the whole family in heaven and earth is named, that He would grant you, according to the riches of His glory, TO BE STRENGTHENED WITH MIGHT THROUGH HIS SPIRIT IN YOUR INNER PERSON, that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith; that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height--to know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. Now TO HIM WHO IS ABLE TO DO EXCEEDINGLY ABUNDANTLY ABOVE ALL THAT YOU ASK OR THINK, ACCORDING TO THE POWER THAT WORKS IN YOU, TO HIM BE THE GLORY in the church by Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen. (derived from Ephesians 3:14-21)
**************************************************
"Therefore, do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. FOR YOU HAVE NEED OF ENDURANCE, SO THAT after you have done the will of God, YOU MAY RECEIVE THE PROMISE." Hebrews 10:35-36 **************************************************"...having done all to stand, stand therefore..." Ephesians 6:13-14
"Do not sorrow, for the joy of the Lord is your strength." Nehemiah 8:10
Weeping may endure for a night, But joy comes in the morning. Psalm 30:5
Posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 5:53:51
In reply to Sandy - Endurance, posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 2:18:45
Simus,
Is your email not working yet?
Sandy
Posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 6:36:39
In reply to Re: » Simus, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 5:53:51
Sandy,
I got your e-mail, and sent one back. Didn't you get it?
Simus
Posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
In reply to Hello,SandyWeb, posted by jlynne on March 23, 2004, at 23:19:56
Girls,
It's just another one of those days. The clinical placements were posted today. I was so looking forward to it.
I'm stopping my meds. I might as well be me. And I'm not trying to get any feedback on this: but I'm going to have a bottle of sparkling wine today! I haven't had a drink since September. I think I deserve to get buzzed. Now, where are those sleeping pills? Ha ha!!! Just kidding!!!! *smile*
I don't think I want to post here anymore. I think that I'm just dragging you down. Normally, I'm not like this. I'm usually joking and looking at the bright side. But it's just not a normal time for me. I know you girls are in recovery, and it doesn't take much to tip the scales in the wrong direction. So I'm going to step out of the picture. I'm not doing well myself, and I don't want to hurt you in any way....because that wouldn't be my intention.
I think as I'm drinking I'm going to pack up my nursing books. I must have $1000 worth of them just here in my livingroom!!! School is expensive, huh?? I'm sure some student will appreciate free textbooks! And time to toss out all my binders and notes. *sigh* And what to do with my $200 stethoscope. Anyone want it? It's an excellent one....a Littman Cardiology III. It has my name plate on it, but you could somehow remove that. And I have a ton of scrubs. I guess I'll pack those up with the books.
It's just so final to get rid of my nursing history.....but I don't have any more use for it all. Somebody else will absolutely be appreciative of it. Glad I could help.
I wish you all the best in your recovery. Thank you, girls, for taking the time to say "hi". "Hi" right back at ya! Lol!! Take care.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by fallsfall on March 25, 2004, at 8:55:35
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
Hi.
I was just going to say hello, and it looks like you are saying goodbye! If you would like to stay, we'd like to have you.
I know so well the day after a day of excitement, when just holding your head up seems like an awful lot of work. But I find that if I take it easy and do things that I like (and don't do things I don't want to do), that I do, eventually start to feel better.
I didn't see why you were quitting school? You were studying to be a nurse?
It is so hard to watch our children have problems. But I do know that I have been able to teach my children some of the things that I've learned in therapy. Somehow, they understand them faster and better than I do...
We all have times when we feel like we are dragging everybody down, but this board can handle that - we are here to support each other. Today it is your turn to need support. I have therapy this afternoon, so this evening will probably be my turn!
I decided, in my bleakest moment, that my daughter deserved to have her mother be there until she graduated from High School (3 years) - like I was there for her siblings. I couldn't imagine any way that things could change for me, that I would ever not be in intolerable pain. But things did change. They do that sometimes.
Falls.
Posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 9:10:21
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
Sandy,
It is your choice on the meds. But please, before you do anything, could you read up on going off them cold-turkey? It can actually be dangerous as well as painful.
Simus
Posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 9:10:21
Just found out my uncle passed away yesterday. He had a great sense of humor! And he was a wonderful Christian man. I feel so bad for everyone.
Here is his obituary:
http://www.obituariestoday.com/Obituaries/ObitShow.cfm?Obituary_ID=31681I hope that link works.
God bless,
Sandy
Posted by jlynne on March 25, 2004, at 13:03:32
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
>> I don't think I want to post here anymore.
Sandy, it is your choice how you want to deal with your situation, and I know that it is probably draining to try to write when you are feeling like this, but I would like to see you stick around, if you can.
How did your daughter do last night?
...jlynne
Posted by gardenergirl on March 25, 2004, at 13:09:05
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
I'm SO sorry for your loss. I know I would be devastated if I lost one of mine.
(((SandyWeb)))
Take care,
gg
Posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 13:12:22
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by gardenergirl on March 25, 2004, at 13:09:05
I don't feel good with all that is happening today.
Posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 13:59:42
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 12:41:45
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 25, 2004, at 16:10:21
In reply to Sandy, very sorry to hear. (nm), posted by Simus on March 25, 2004, at 13:59:42
You have been through so much. My heart goes out to you. I have been following this thread and I think you have been so supportive and kind. I just hope you can take a moment and just look at all the wonderful things you have done. I appreciate you.
Posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by SandyWeb on March 25, 2004, at 8:12:08
Hi Sandy, (Sorry for this long post everyone!)
I am sorry to hear about your loss. I've been reading your posts and responses today during a very "low" time for me. I can certainly understand the pain and frustration you might be experiencing with the trials of nursing school. Back in 1992 I was dismissed from nursing school. I understand the student loan burden, the "not having anything to hope for" burden. The grace period on my loans expired and the lenders were hunting me down. I AM totally there with you. My family was not supportive, my boyfriend at the time was emotionally abusive. I was broke and living from paycheck to paycheck - not to mention I was clinically depressed but not being treated at that time. I thought about suicide all the time. At that time, I saw "no way out".
I got a forbearance on ALL of my loans (BTW, I owe more than $100K). It's not difficult at all if your financial situation is compromised. There are various payment options for all kinds of financial situations. Believe me, I've looked into them all. Consolidation, emergency postponement..you name it.
During this horrible time, all I could do each day was to go to work and I barely did that. I worked in a Neonatal Intensive Care Unit as a Nurse technician.
What made the difference for me was understanding the will and the strength of those little ones. I was so inspired by their innate will to survive. I knew it was in me too, even though I wanted to kill myself most of the time.
Now it's more than 10 years later, and my life has turned around. I am going into another decade of my life and they say 40's are even better. I am living more now than ever - still broke, still in school getting my PhD, still deferring all my past loans - but this is my life, and I am ok for now. When I say "living" I mean that I see my life as a canvas. I am painting on it, creating it. And when I fall, I paint over that mess and create something new.
You see, what you have to look for may not be within your vision right now, but MOST DEFINITELY, you can create the painting - whatever you choose that to be.
Last year, I had a suicide attempt and I decided to walk right into counseling services on campus. I LITERALLY walked out of the house and drove to the student union in front of everyone looking for help. I had nothing but that innate will that those "little ones" have.
I am currently getting treatment for my depression. My life is complicated still. But I live to enjoy the smell of the rain on the most difficult days. I enjoy the silence I have when I want to be alone. I meditate on my sadness when I feel like life isn't fair. I might not be vacationing in hawaii or rich, but your richenss, your magnificent life is inside of you wanting, SCREAMING to come out. I feel it.
I believe you WILL survive. We are all survivors each day we decide to make tomorrow our goal. Please, be gentle with yourself. You're a human, emotional, and wonderful person. Please stay connected.
cheers,
-sekou> Girls,
>
> It's just another one of those days. The clinical placements were posted today. I was so looking forward to it.
>
> I'm stopping my meds. I might as well be me. And I'm not trying to get any feedback on this: but I'm going to have a bottle of sparkling wine today! I haven't had a drink since September. I think I deserve to get buzzed. Now, where are those sleeping pills? Ha ha!!! Just kidding!!!! *smile*
>
> I don't think I want to post here anymore. I think that I'm just dragging you down. Normally, I'm not like this. I'm usually joking and looking at the bright side. But it's just not a normal time for me. I know you girls are in recovery, and it doesn't take much to tip the scales in the wrong direction. So I'm going to step out of the picture. I'm not doing well myself, and I don't want to hurt you in any way....because that wouldn't be my intention.
>
> I think as I'm drinking I'm going to pack up my nursing books. I must have $1000 worth of them just here in my livingroom!!! School is expensive, huh?? I'm sure some student will appreciate free textbooks! And time to toss out all my binders and notes. *sigh* And what to do with my $200 stethoscope. Anyone want it? It's an excellent one....a Littman Cardiology III. It has my name plate on it, but you could somehow remove that. And I have a ton of scrubs. I guess I'll pack those up with the books.
>
> It's just so final to get rid of my nursing history.....but I don't have any more use for it all. Somebody else will absolutely be appreciative of it. Glad I could help.
>
> I wish you all the best in your recovery. Thank you, girls, for taking the time to say "hi". "Hi" right back at ya! Lol!! Take care.
>
> God bless,
>
> Sandy
>
Posted by rainyday on March 25, 2004, at 18:47:38
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
There was never a more elequent post.
Please stay in touch. Life is precious, even our own, when we think we do not deserve it.
Posted by Jai Narayan on March 26, 2004, at 9:13:42
In reply to Re: Hello,SandyWeb, posted by sekou on March 25, 2004, at 18:18:40
Posted by sekou on March 26, 2004, at 10:18:07
In reply to wonderful post sekou, thanks! (nm), posted by Jai Narayan on March 26, 2004, at 9:13:42
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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