![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 51 to 75 of 76. Go back in thread:
Posted by creepy on August 19, 2010, at 11:35:26
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list, posted by Enigma on August 18, 2010, at 9:35:42
Ive been seeing various people in the boston area for the last 15 years. It seems to me that the best approach is to either put in a lot of effort (sometimes needed) to get a consult with docs that specialize in treating your specific condition OR to keep changing docs until you get one who has a treatment plan that works.
I got a PTSD diagnosis from my last doc, and although shes been a total letdown in many other ways that dx has put me on a much more beneficial path.
Dont be afraid to ask for referrals! I got a referral to an EMDR practitioner and from there a referral to a psychopharm doc. These people often attend conferences and training and network with each other.
Posted by Enigma on August 22, 2010, at 11:12:09
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list, posted by creepy on August 19, 2010, at 11:35:26
I called the same guy in Andover, MA twice and he sounded older than the sun.
Once he blew me off after I left a message and once I caught him.
It seemed like that was his home phone number and I was bothering him.
Then after I explained a bit about myself he said, well "not everyone can be helped" which was really discouraging, and made me want to cut myself open right then and there because it really seemed like I fit into that category.
Then he said to call some other phone number for pricing information (his secretary). He does not take medicare. The pricing information number didn't call me back.Then I got a call back from a place that already told me they didn't take medicare either, then they called again days later and told me to call them back. ??
I found a guy, at a primary care facility no less, and he actually prescribed me a one time, 30 day supply of Selegeline. He seemed to really care about not wanting me to die. First doc that really seemed to care that I've seen in a while, so I made him my PCP.
I've been off Nardil now for 3 days (or is it 4), and all I feel is stomach pain from another illness - some acid/ulcer thing where I couldn't tolerate the meds but I'm on them again because the pain never goes away - it's 24/7. I've been having about 3 brutal headaches that don't respond to OTC meds much at all, and those have been around as long as the stomach problems have. Never had any "acid" problems in my stomach in my life, but my by gastro PHD doc is still 2 weeks away. I was seeing the PA before, and I think she is WRONG.
The only new symptom that I've had is this odd light-headed feeling that that seems to stick around most of the day. Started as soon as I quit Nardil. I was thinking it was some withdrawal effect. I *still* have to get another pdoc, even though I KNOW no one where I live is qualified to treat TRD.
But, at least I can get an appointment and maybe more meds if they know what to give me (which I doubt, tried pretty much everything).I'm still crying a lot in response to these stories/fantasies I make up when I talk to myself in bed. Both started two months ago (the crying and talking to myself). I'm afraid I'm losing my mind. I'm afraid to go out in public for fear my mind will wander to a sad subject and I'll start crying in public (which has happened, but I was able to make it to my car).
I have the potential to cry over almost anything even remotely sad - even, like I said, pure fiction that I make up. I don't know why I started talking to myself, but I make up these stories that are somewhat based on reality and I put a new ending on them over and over again - passes the time I guess. Almost always, real people are the main characters.
I wish I could just start writing again, but they aren't long enough to fill out a novel, they're more like a part of a chapter or just a short chapter of a novel. I don't even hesitate though, I just spit out the words as if I'm reading a book aloud to myself, making every work/line up as I go. They're almost always sad and very depressing. It's like I *need* to be depressed.
This morning I dreamed of this "spark", ask I call them, who used to be my old baby sitter who is actually a beautiful person on the inside and out. Those are people I call "sparks". Usually a person who doesn't abuse others with their amazing talents and looks, brag, let it go to their head, and everyone wants to be around them because they are so positive, fun, and full of (positive) energy. I'm attracted to these people like a magnet. I've been around and met thousands of the opposite type of person. Very attractive/beautiful people who use their looks as a weapon, to hurt people, to get what only THEY want, are self-absorbed, egotistical, Narcissistic, and so on, and these people usually have 0 special skills or talents, maybe some of the men being good at one or two sports. Big whoop. The Sparks are usually good at everything they put their mind to, are the nicest people you ever want to meet, don't have a mean bone in their body, get on the honors list every single semester, and she was the main star in her dance production company's nutcracker ballet and didn't let it go to their head (at all), and so many other things.
Anyway, so I dreamed that I spoke to the babysitter down the street, after I befriended her on facebook, and it's literally been years. She was 13-14 when we last spoke. She was gorgeous/adorable even then. I saw a picture of her at 17 and shes even more beautiful, which I knew she would be. (to compare her to an old coworkers daughter who is beautiful and 17, she's a complete b*tch), So my whispered fantasy was that she came to me and told me she had a crush on me since she first met me, and wanted to "do something about it", now. I said, even if you were 18, I told her I was 41 and I was flattered as hell if not just plain dreaming, and was thinking of considering seeing her secretly at 18, but that it would never work, and once she went away to college, it would break my heart as she would fall in love with someone her own age, as I told her she should, and she would forget about me. And yada yada yada. It would have made a nice chapter to some book about teenage love and adult fantasies. (like that movie with Kevin Spacey). I cried softly, in real life when I had to turn her down, which is why I say there's always some sad part in these fantasies that makes me cry and how I wish I could have been 19 again so I could have started my life all over again with her, my perfect choice for a soul-mate.
Many of the stories have to do with exactly that, getting a second chance from an angel who notices my intense pain and grants me my wish to start over again, of course, removing my depression from my brain. I'm obsessed with Angels, not the little porcelain babies with wings, but the wrath of god angels, that are more like warriors than anything else (see the prophecy trilogy, and there's been some other really cool ones, where the angels are always men, old testament, etc. Michael, Rafael, etc.
Anyway, that's just one example (or two). I've had a score of others. All with parts that make me cry. Instead of just dreaming them, which I also do, I've had the same dream 5-6 nights in a row, like a sitcom, all with the same characters, me being one of them (but I'm not "me"), all with different story lines. If I could only remember every single detail and write them down. In the past I've had repeat dreams, but never an evolving dream that literally has a cast of characters, that I completely invented (I don't watch tv or movies anymore - lost interest due to depression). The amount of detail and creativity in the dreams astounds me.
Anyway, what I've been expecting is to be sleeping all day long, instead, I've been wide awake with no interest in getting out of bed, coupled with the intense headache pain, dizziness and stomach pain. Instead, I'm wide awake, and the last 2 days in bed felt like an eternity. Usually when I'm bedridden due to depression, I sleep most of the day without any difficulty or sleep aids (only needed at night for some odd reason), but I'm not tired at all now and I'm still getting up exactly at 2:00 am (so strange) every morning, when I try to go back to bed without much success. Passing the time with the pain in my stomach and head is somewhat unbearable. I was considering going in-patient again, just so they could give me some sedatives. Or, maybe I could meet a pretty single depressed patient there I could date ;).. There were 3 women at the last inpatient stay that were attracted to me, but were all spoken for. I think one (unknown one) was vying for me, but I wasn't interested. I of course wanted the 27 year old blond ;) (I'm 41). But, during my last stay, they give you nice pain meds, but they never ever gave me sedatives, but when I was there, I had no trouble sleeping like I am now.
This is my first day out of bed and I don't know what to do with myself. I've been waiting for the crying storm to hit. I don't understand why it hasn't yet. When I took myself of Nardil before, I think I tapered it as well, and I suffered those (not sure what to call them but just to describe them), supremely intense, hyperventilating, chest pounding, lying in fetal position, extremely loud sobbing/yelling/crying feeling like you are literally having a heart attack and hit with THE WORST mental anguish you've ever felt in your entire life. You can't think rationally at all, you can't stop the crying, hyperventilating, intense suicidal thoughts, you just have to ride out whatever the hell is happening to you. I believe this is when most suicides occur. They are just too overwhelming too deal with. I've been blessed/cursed with an iron will. Very soon after going down off Nardil, I had two of these, and 1 after going back on Nardil for a month, the worst one I ever had (the most intense and "earth-shaking"/powerful". They are IMPOSSIBLE to explain, they look like you are having a heart attack or a convulsion (think ECT), you cannot really talk or do anything else but suffer HORRIBLY with the worst depressive thoughts that your mind can invent being launched at you at 100 miles an hour, not a single one of them being real (but not always), and multiple feelings of grief at the same time. I almost didn't survive the last one. I just kept yelling the name of the soul-mate I lost named Sarah. All I wanted was her to be there to hold me and help me ride out the pain. I told my wife to leave. I didn't want her there. The whole event lasted 2+ hours. The worst being in the first 30 mins. It was unbearable.
They should have returned by now. I haven't been on ANY AD meds for 3 days now. I still feel suicidal, but mainly because I don't feel I'll ever fall in love again, not from the chemical side of things (which I take Nardil for) and knowing any drug I take will poop out by the time I *might* get accepted into a certain DBS study Im applying for. I'm not going to start the Selegeline unless I absolutely have to. I'm at a loss as to what's going on.
If anyone can shed some light, please let me know. It's as if my chemical depression decided to go on hold for some reason. You never know, I could have an "attack" later today. I need to find the energy to fill out the DBS study application, but my headache always kicks in when I fill it out. :(
Take care. Sorry this was a novel. I have NO one else to really talk to.
My own brother had NO comment when I told him I might only have 1-2 years left to live. Amazing family I have huh?
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 22, 2010, at 15:38:39
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 22, 2010, at 11:12:09
>I found a guy, at a primary care facility no less, and he actually prescribed me a one time, 30 day supply of Selegeline. He seemed to really care about not wanting me to die. First doc that really seemed to care that I've seen in a while, so I made him my PCP.
OK, well that's a good start. Perhaps you will do better with this PCP than a pdoc.
Did he give you selegiline tablets? But you're not going to start them?
Posted by softheprairie on August 22, 2010, at 17:10:13
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 22, 2010, at 11:12:09
_Please_, call a pharmacist to ask how long of a washout is needed between Nardil and selegiline. I'm glad to hear you haven't started the next one since it's just been a few days off the Nardil.
It's great that you found a primary care doctor who cares about you staying alive.About your brother not having anything to say, it may be he just didn't know what to say, and figured it was better to not say anything than say something dumb or insensitive. I often don't know the words to say.
Posted by Phillipa on August 22, 2010, at 20:06:38
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by softheprairie on August 22, 2010, at 17:10:13
I'm also glad you found a doc. So you are seriously thinking inpatient? Phillipa
Posted by Enigma on August 23, 2010, at 14:23:49
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 22, 2010, at 15:38:39
> >I found a guy, at a primary care facility no less, and he actually prescribed me a one time, 30 day supply of Selegeline. He seemed to really care about not wanting me to die. First doc that really seemed to care that I've seen in a while, so I made him my PCP.
>
> OK, well that's a good start. Perhaps you will do better with this PCP than a pdoc.
>
> Did he give you selegiline tablets? But you're not going to start them?Well, you're technically supposed to wait like 2 weeks after stopping one MAOI and starting another one right? (or even starting an SSRI too?) Could have sworn a few pdocs told me that. I think the longest I've ever waited was a week though. The first two days I was off Nardil I felt "ok", which was odd, because when I went off of Nardil a few months ago, I got those horrible crying attacks right away.. maybe I went off it cold turkey.. dunno. I don't recall.
The PCP is only going to write me the one 30 day supply of Selly. He told me to get a shrink for ongoing scripts. So I'm back on that again, but they aren't TRD experts or even close. No one around here is. On about the 3rd day I felt really tired, and slept most of the day away and felt my chemical depression coming back. The "love-live" depression, never went away is worse that ever. I'm curious to see how long I can go without AD meds. The sooner I start Selly, the sooner it's just gonna poop out. I'd like to at least have a p-doc before I start again. Who knows.
I'm more upset about my love-life, the constant headaches I've been getting for a 2-3 weeks now, and 24/7 stomach pain. Got my 3rd appt at the gastro PA tomorrow, Dr. is still a week away. The stomach pain is the most annoying because it just plain doesn't stop, ever. It just goes from bad to really bad, then back to bad again.
Who knows, I might pop a Selly tonight, but might wait for the upper GI test they wanna run tomorrow to check for an ulcer or something like it.
Still talking to myself while I lie in bed and can't sleep, "dreaming out loud" I guess. It just makes me more sad because I can't stop thinking of all the cool, very realistic things love-life type stuff that "could" easily happen in real life, but just doesn't. I'd probably take a chainsaw to my tv if someone made me watch another love story movie. When the guy is almost always less attractive than the woman. I can't take it anymore.
Posted by Enigma on August 23, 2010, at 14:28:41
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Phillipa on August 22, 2010, at 20:06:38
> I'm also glad you found a doc. So you are seriously thinking inpatient? Phillipa
Only if I went in on my own and could leave on my own, like the last 2 times I went in, AND they can heal this 24/7 pain in my stomach, and stop these 3-4x times a day severe headaches. I can't deal with them on top of the depression.
I wonder if Selegeline will have any effect on the depression and sadness I get from being without a girlfriend and in love and such. I'll y'all know a week or two after I start it. I'm sure it won't have much of an effect right away, and I'm going up on it slowly to be safe.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 23, 2010, at 14:53:46
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 23, 2010, at 14:28:41
>....the depression and sadness I get from being without a girlfriend and in love and such.
But is that your problem right now, Enigma? I'm not in love right now either, I'm alone. I don't have a partner, millions of people don't. I suspect that your depression is not caused by not having a gf, nor would it disappear if you did. Whilst you continue to be severely depressed, it's inevitably going to be very difficult to get a girlfriend. Depression is not attractive, it is not appealing - and don't I know it! I think you need to do all you can in order to get your depression under control. Once you have achieved this, that's the time to start thinking about getting a gf.
First of all, you need to get a new pdoc. TRD is an exceptionally common problem in psychiatry and all pdocs see patients with TRD. Not many advertise themselves as being 'TRD specialists' but perhaps this is because they consider that all pdocs should have (at least some) knowledge of TRD. Just because a pdoc doesn't call themself a TRD specialist doesn't mean that they won't be able to help you. The most helpful pdocs aren't always the ones who've got the best credentials. You should go to see someone new - and who knows how much they might be able to help you.
Posted by Enigma on August 24, 2010, at 19:46:15
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 23, 2010, at 14:53:46
> >....the depression and sadness I get from being without a girlfriend and in love and such.
>
> But is that your problem right now, Enigma? I'm not in love right now either, I'm alone. I don't have a partner, millions of people don't. I suspect that your depression is not caused by not having a gf, nor would it disappear if you did. Whilst you continue to be severely depressed, it's inevitably going to be very difficult to get a girlfriend. Depression is not attractive, it is not appealing - and don't I know it! I think you need to do all you can in order to get your depression under control. Once you have achieved this, that's the time to start thinking about getting a gf.Well, I started Selly already, took 1 pill the first day, and 2 the 2nd day. I already started feeling better the 2nd day with the girlfriend/sadness issues. I'm pretty well aware you can't get a gf if you're depressed. I'm a fairly good actor though (as long as I could keep the crying from occuring), and could go on a date without her knowing, but of course being in a much better mood, then going on a date (if I actually can find someone) would make more sense.
I don't think I cried at all today, which I'm blaming on the meds, and only required one short nap due to boredom.
I got on a new dating site and canceled the hellish one - match dot com (stay FAR away people, seriously, especially if you are a guy. Take my word for it, and don't even question it. It will only bring you pain). So on my new (free) dating site, I already got hit on by a decent looking 40 year old woman who lives about 20 mins away. Sadly, I turned her down as I just wasn't attracted to her. That's going to be the hard part I'm going to face. There's just this "look" I like, and it usually only comes in the 5-10 years younger than me variety. Everyone who ends up liking me, I'm not attracted to, and vice versa. It's really frustrating.
My headaches are diminishing, the daily ones where I get a few a day, and so is the lightheaded feeling I got after stopping Nardil. But my stomach is killing me. Now my Gastro P.A. thinks I might have an ulcer. Yeah, that's all I need. I got to the hospital for <whatever the test is called> on Friday. I'm still sweating like crazy over nothing, but not much at night. I just went to the store to pick up a new drug and it was cool out, but humid, overcast with light rain, and I came home sweating like crazy. I really hope this side effect goes away, AND, I can work out again and lose this gut.I did email this other women I was really attracted to, only a few years younger than me, but I'm sure, she won't feel the same way, even though the site says we're a good match. Otherwise, I was trolling the site, and really didn't see much I was interested in. There are other sites. Still wish I just had (1) divorced friend (I did, but he's a total unreliable jerk, so I told him to screw) to go to my favorite bar with. I wish Boston wasn't so far away from where I live too, as there are some great places you can go there, and go alone without people thinking you're a freak. It's just too far to drive just to meet women, who most likely live there, or even deeper into boston. I'm not the most patient driver - should have seen me in my irritable-bipolar/manic days. Scary stuff. Not for me, but for everyone else on the road.. :(
>
> First of all, you need to get a new pdoc. TRD is an exceptionally common problem in psychiatry and all pdocs see patients with TRD. Not many advertise themselves as being 'TRD specialists' but perhaps this is because they consider that all pdocs should have (at least some) knowledge of TRD. Just because a pdoc doesn't call themself a TRD specialist doesn't mean that they won't be able to help you. The most helpful pdocs aren't always the ones who've got the best credentials. You should go to see someone new - and who knows how much they might be able to help you.
>
>
Still trying, and trying. They keep promising to call back and never do. We keep playing phone tag. Annoying.
Posted by Enigma on August 27, 2010, at 19:21:53
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by softheprairie on August 22, 2010, at 17:10:13
> _Please_, call a pharmacist to ask how long of a washout is needed between Nardil and selegiline. I'm glad to hear you haven't started the next one since it's just been a few days off the Nardil.
> It's great that you found a primary care doctor who cares about you staying alive.
>
> About your brother not having anything to say, it may be he just didn't know what to say, and figured it was better to not say anything than say something dumb or insensitive. I often don't know the words to say.
>My "brother" has been a "dick" to me as far back as I can remember. He has Aspergers (spelling?) and Narcisistic Personality Disorder. But, beyond that, he's just a total a-hole. He's put complete strangers who treat him like a tool ahead of me his entire life. He treats my parents like slaves of his when they let him live in their house (at 43) and they don't even charge him rent.
If I bring up the subject of how badly he treats my mom (the psycho who gave me my disorder to begin with (mental abuse - whom I hate as well, and my dad, long story I don't care to prove, that's why I wrote a book about it), then I'M the bad guy.
He's a fake, a liar, just tried to get girls in bed then dump them asap (truth is, they find out what an a-hole he is and ALL dump him), he's a fraud, a liar, and so much more. And, to boot, he's got this local following of losers who worship him because he's such a good actor (I see right through him, but he kisses their butts, not mine).. their all shallow people who he had worked himself in at certain clubs to get to know important people to get him free stuff, then he gives that stuff away to these shallow losers and they worship him...So many times I wanted to go down there and tell them all the truth about who he really is. I feel so bad for the, dim-witted young girls he miraculously gets into bed with him. I wish I could warn them all that they are just a notch on his belt. That sad thing is, he's bald and ugly, and I'm the good-looking, caring, loving, sensitive one, and I can't even get a date with one girl I think is pretty at my own age and he's sleeping with (some of them, "babes"), who are only 25!!. Yep, life sure is fair.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 28, 2010, at 13:41:31
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 24, 2010, at 19:46:15
>I already got hit on by a decent looking 40 year old woman who lives about 20 mins away. Sadly, I turned her down as I just wasn't attracted to her.
I know it sucks but in the same way that you turn women down, other women will turn you down. It's easy to get hurt :(
>There's just this "look" I like, and it usually only comes in the 5-10 years younger than me variety.
You are very particular, so it's not going to be easy. Do you think if you got to know a women who didn't look like this, you could start to like her?
Best of luck with selegiline. At worst, you will have fewer adverse effects than from Nardil. At best, you might do really well on it this time.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 28, 2010, at 13:42:55
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » softheprairie, posted by Enigma on August 27, 2010, at 19:21:53
>he's sleeping with (some of them, "babes"), who are only 25!!
Yeah but it won't last. They are probably really shallow - not the sort of person who would make you happy anyway.
Posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 19:22:08
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 23, 2010, at 14:53:46
Maybe a psychopharmacist would be able to help you. I saw one once and came in with a list of everything I been on and the reaction I had to them. We met for over an hour and then he sent his suggestions to my pdoc. We tried some of them and I did get relief but it was short lived ... still I did get relief.
As for losing the Nardil weight I don't have a clue. I am trying to lose the 30 pounds I gained on Lithium!
Posted by Maxime on August 28, 2010, at 19:30:16
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 24, 2010, at 19:46:15
Maybe you should wait until you are more stable before you start dating. One rejection could send you in a downward spiral. A lot of people don't have partners, you are not alone. Good luck with the new med! Keep us posted on how it is working for you.
Posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 21:04:56
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » softheprairie, posted by Enigma on August 27, 2010, at 19:21:53
Enigma,
Didn't you say you are married? Maybe I am mistaken and i don't feel like reading the previous threads...just lazy now.
I'm not asking this to be judgmental, but am wondering if you are married as i thought you said you were in another post.
Posted by Enigma on August 29, 2010, at 12:02:26
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 21:04:56
> Enigma,
>
> Didn't you say you are married? Maybe I am mistaken and i don't feel like reading the previous threads...just lazy now.
>
> I'm not asking this to be judgmental, but am wondering if you are married as i thought you said you were in another post.Yes, married, but separated. I'd get a full divorce, but I can't afford it, and there are 10 reasons I could list in 2 seconds (if I could write that fast) why I don't want to (get a divorce right now).
Well, I've been pretty quiet about the Selegeline because I'm not on it anymore, for now.
I should have waited 2 weeks between Nardil tapering and starting Selly, but It's not a perfect world, and I might have hit suicide-ville and had those vicious suicidal crying attacks - not sure what the medical term for them is. It's nothing like simply crying. It's brutal beyond imagination. I've had about 4 of them now. When they occur, I pretty much lose all control of myself and all I experience is the worst pain, grief, sadness, loneliness, and every other sad emotion, 100x the intensity of someone you know dying, and I cry and yell out like I'm dying. I hyperventilation, I'm unable to talk, and no one can help me through it. I'm sure these have ended many peoples lives, and no one ever was the wiser. Someone called me a coward today for even thinking about suicide, like I actually have a choice in the matter. Unreal. Well, another ignorant "so called friend", in the bucket. I wish I could weed out these people who don't believe that depression is a real disorder and never have to deal with them to begin with. Sitting there telling her how I feel for a couple years now, and she still doesn't get it. Whatever, makes me too angry to talk about.
So, back to Selly. So, when I quit Nardil, I tapered off. Probably tampered off too quickly.. when I was done, I was having withdrawals.. these headaches with this lightheartedness associated with it. I started Selly on 1 pill day, and also went up too fast. I got this headache that has now lasted around 3-4 days. Went to the ER and everything. So, I immediately quit Selly. It's about the 4th day and the meds they gave me, hydrocodone? I take about twice a day now for the headaches. They don't hurt nearly as bad as when they started.
I'm still miserable of course, and try to stay in bed all day.I get up once a day maybe to log on here or something, mainly because I'm not tired and can't sleep all day, but I have no interest in doing anything else.
Sure, I'm not ready for a relationship, but spending time with a pretty women would do me wonders, that's why I've pursued it so much. I pretty much done with that too as I'm just too old now to get the look and age I'm attracted to.
I can no more change that interest, than my eye color. Trust me, I've tried.It's the same thing on different dating sites. I get some hits from people I wouldn't look twice at, in amazement that they would even email me in the first place, and maybe the women I email think the same thing, who knows. I'm mostly mad that NO ONE, it's been a year now, will even give you a chance.
And yes, the rejection (well, they are too "whatever" to even reply, as I reply and thank everyone for their interest), it's the complete blow off that really bothers me. Like you don't even exist. I know I lost my soul-mate already, and I know I'll never find her ever again. All I was hoping for was a date or two. That's it. Many of these women were near my age as well, but like the stereotype I've created and live by for attractive women, they think they deserve SO much more than their equal, and there's nothing I can do to change that. They actually don't even deserve me. I have so many good qualities, I get mad at myself for even giving them a chance, when I KNOW, they are just going to blow me off. These aren't super-models either.. not even close.
I've been complemented by so many other, less attractive women, and so well, that I'm so amazed that just being prettier makes them look at me in a completely different way than the other women do. Guys don't do that. No guy I've ever known does.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 13:43:04
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 29, 2010, at 12:02:26
>I get some hits from people I wouldn't look twice at, in amazement that they would even email me in the first place....
Why, because you're so attractive?
Enigma really, you have to learn to be more accepting of women's faults. After all, you want them to accept you and your faults, don't you?
Posted by angels78 on August 29, 2010, at 23:26:07
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 13:43:04
Engima, you need to get yourself help first before you start thinking about a realtionship with a female.
Posted by Enigma on August 30, 2010, at 15:39:28
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » ed_uk2010, posted by angels78 on August 29, 2010, at 23:26:07
> Engima, you need to get yourself help first before you start thinking about a realtionship with a female.
I've been "getting help" for 17 years now and where has that got me? Pretty much nowhere. I wonder what I'd be like now, if I picked my soul-mate who had all the qualities I loved, back when I was starting my current relationship. Back before my illness took a hold on me. I wonder if I would have turned out the same or have had the relationship to use as a weapon against my depression and bi-polar disorder. I can guarantee, I'd be in a better mental state now, if I was in-love.
What I need is a different kind of help, just the opposite of what you're thinking - a relationship with a female. If the type of woman I was looking for actually existed (I only met two in 20 years, and I'm talking about a woman with all my qualities, attractiveness, inside and out, and so much more.).
I believe a light relationship where we could see other people (you know, what they used to call dating, which I've sadly learned, is pretty much dead) would do wonders for me. Even just to experience some of what I missed while being married, wasting my life with the wrong person and my youth, I would be very content with dating one person for a while, then seeing someone else..and so on. Like my asshole brother does, except, I wouldn't use people, and wouldn't date bimbos.But, sadly, in 2010, at least in my area (Mass and New Hampshire), this doesn't happen to 41 year olds, even though I'm good looking, in shape, etc, etc. Anyone I'm attracted to, sadly falls in a stereotype of women that have always had the ability to get anything they wanted, and why settle for me, if you're shallow as hell, need and require just the best looking car in the lot, and only drive one at a time.
It's not my era, or my environment to be in. I hear Europe is much better when it comes to soul sharing, and casual relationships. They don't seem to exist anymore, again, not around me anyway. After a year of searching, all I've managed to do is back up fact behind my hypothesis and stereotype of attractive women.
It saddens me to hell, that they pretty much all exhibit the same weaknesses, and lack of any substance, compassion, caring, honesty, integrity, and so on. This data, I collected from around 700 attempts to contact women of different ages, different looks, different backgrounds, etc, but generally, they would all be considered to have above average looks. I also tried women I wasn't so attracted to, just for testing, and I found many of the same traits.
I can no more change my objects of attraction than I can change my eye color (not including colored contacts of course).
I passed up a woman very recently that I believe would have been (near) perfect match for me, but I wasn't attracted to her, and I've always needed that. Some things never change. I've tried to date other women that didn't fit my bill, but, I could never continue the relationship because I wasn't interested in anything physical with them. Call it a disorder, I don't care. It's just who I am, and I wish I wasn't this way.I'm still in shock, but the mere numbers involved. That not one of these women would even spend 1/2 a night on a date with me, to see what I'm really like. I got other emails telling me I'm "effing hot", 3 emails from her, almost begging me to go out with her.. and others saying I was "adorable", "very good looking" (which I got a lesser than expected amount of, but more so than any other compliment.
These women, unfortunately, were ALL older than me, and I did not find them attractive, and well, they just plain were not.
I don't really want to share this, but, what the hell. A few months ago, it seems like yesterday and an eternity away at the same time, I heartily enjoyed myself with a "real" lap dance, in Vegas. If I was rich, I probably would have tried every girl there that I was attracted to just for the experiences, just to see how different they were.Instead of what guys normally get out of these things, I was looking for something else right off the bat, and I was lucky enough that she allowed me to experience not just her "act/grind" but let me caress her, kiss her, and touch her, as if we were in love. She called me a sweetheart after she saw how I treated her and said that if I kept up what I was doing, she wouldn't be able to perform her "act", basically concentrating on my lower half. I told her, I didn't care, and this is what I wanted. I even hugged for a while not letting her move, and she let me. It felt incredible. I wish I could have held her all night. I didn't even care what she did for a living. No judgments passed through my head.
This simple affection, did more for me than any drug, therapist, friend (don't get me started on "friends") has been able to, in longer than I can remember.
I know what I want.. it's been the same for years.. It's never changed. If I had the money, I'd tour Europe on some type of singles vacation, and experience all that I could before I say goodbye to this planet and all the misery (a lifetime's worth) that it has brought me.
I would do almost anything to see my soulmate again that I met 6 years ago, as we have so much unfinished business. She probably thought I blew her off, hated me for a while and of course, easily found someone to replace me. I on the other hand, have had no such luck, because she wasn't like other women. She and her friend approached us, making things so easy and amazing, and refreshing at the same time. I'll never know if she felt the same way I did about her, and that kills me. I still cry over losing her, especially because one asshole wouldn't allow me into the club we were going to meet at, because I didn't have shoes on. Could there be a more pathetic way to lose something you've been searching for 14 years. Never met anyone even remotely like her, maybe because she wasn't from around here.. Her name is Sarah, I'll always be in love with her, and never have the chance to tell her.
Posted by Enigma on August 30, 2010, at 16:07:45
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 30, 2010, at 15:39:28
I just hit damn backspace key by accident and lost an hours' worth of writing about my drug status. I'm way to pissed off to repeat that again.
Posted by Enigma on August 31, 2010, at 10:01:18
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 29, 2010, at 13:43:04
> >I get some hits from people I wouldn't look twice at, in amazement that they would even email me in the first place....
>
> Why, because you're so attractive?
>
> Enigma really, you have to learn to be more accepting of women's faults. After all, you want them to accept you and your faults, don't you?
>Well, I'm not trying to sound arrogant, but yes, it's because I'm much more attractive than they are. I'm in much better shape, than they are. Probably much smarter and have a plethora of other qualities than I excel in over them, as well. Sorry, but I've never met my equal (besides Sarah). I actually feel, to some degree, if the other person agrees of course, is that you can provide eye-candy to each-other, for as long as age allows. I've seen many beautiful women with hideous men, and it just always bothers me. I don't really care how juvenile that sounds. Vice-verse bothers me just as much, hell, even in a gay couple that I know.
I just don't think it's fair that a guy or girl met someone that they were physically compatible with, and shared a mutual physical attraction, then 5-10 years later, one of them lets themselves completely go, while the other maintains (and works at) their physical attractiveness.Met a women that was divorced and cheated on for a such a reason, and met others on-line as well. The husband, in these personal cases, got literally disgusted by what their spouse has turned into. I am NOT saying I agree with this mentality, especially how the men cheated, lied, and ended up severely hurting their spouse instead bringing up this "problem" (if it's a problem for them, than it's a real problem, it doesn't matter how trivial some people on here may think it is.) with their spouse and explaining to them.
I try to find women that are my physical and mental counterpart. I don't have the luxury of meeting someone nice, and falling for them, even though I'm not physically attracted to them. I don't leave the house, haven't worked in years, and have no desire or energy to join some group, activity and so forth to meet people, just to get hurt again, when that activity ends, and people ALWAYS go their separate ways. At least that's been my experience, during my entire life.
Don't judge me for what I am and am not attracted to. It's really the same thing (to a degree) that most men find attractive and unattractive. See a playboy if you're not sure what's considered globally "attractive". It's personal taste. Like I said in another message, I can no more change what I find attractive (and NEED to be happy), than I can willingly change my eye-color. I don't just wish I had a Ferrari, I need one, which would be a somewhat crude but accurate portrayal on my libido. I already said, I wish this wasn't the case, but it's who I am. I've tried to change, but it's never worked.
I also feel, I have deserved something "better" than myself, at least in the looks dept, actually, and beyond. Compared to my wife, she's had the better "deal", minus my illness to deal with of course, since day 1. I'm not going to bother making a list of these traits. This was not a fair relationship, and it failed for good reason. I really tried, and for 10 years fooled myself into thinking it was working. Maybe this is the cause of my depression.. the change from bio-polar to pure depression. I was never satisfied, in so many ways, I can't count.
I just believe in fairness, no matter how unrealistic it may be. I believe couples should be evenly matched on a number of categories. I don't believe in what the masses believe in - That if a girl is a ten, and you're rich, then that's equal. I think those women are just whores. I know people who have married for money, women only, and they sicken me. I could never do it, not even for a minute.
Enough about me.. this is getting ridiculous. It's time for a new thread that doesn't cover this topic.
Posted by ed_uk2010 on August 31, 2010, at 12:26:58
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by violette on August 28, 2010, at 21:04:56
Enigma,
I have read your posts with interest. It's clear that you are suffering a great deal.
I am not a psychologist and I don't want to sound trite..... but I do see evidence of a multitude of emotional problems and potentially problematic personality traits which need to be addressed in order for you to achieve better mental health. I do not think that any medication can solve these problems, and it does not surprise me that you have not obtained much benefit from medication in the past. Your mental health problems are a lot more complicated than 'just depression' or even bipolar disorder. This is not simply a biological issue.
I don't know what sort of psychological treatment you have received in the past but I think this is something that you need to look into. There are many different therapists - and many different types of therapy, so there's a high probability that you could find something that suits, even if therapy hasn't helped you in the past. Due to your poor response to medication, I don't think you have any choice but to look at psychological treatments. Most psychiatrists do not seem to be very experienced or knowledgable in this area. I believe that some psychologists specialise in performing assessments which can suggest which type of therapy would be most beneficial. Perhaps this is the way to go?
I'm also hoping that someone with more knowledge of psychology (like Violette) will be able to suggest which form of psychotherapy might help you the most.
Please don't take this as a criticism. I've noticed that a lot of participants on this board feel attacked by the suggestion of emotional problems. It's as if they feel that their very essence is being criticised, rather than their illness, if that makes sense. Talk of biological illness (and over-medicalisation of psychiatry) feels so very 'comfortable' in comparision because it removes attention from the person, and focuses solely on the illness. It makes discussion of psychiatric illness feel no different to talking about rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes. I have plenty of my own emotional problems so I know how difficult they can be to deal with. Anyway, I'd better leave it there.
Take care.
Posted by violette on September 1, 2010, at 0:41:50
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by Enigma on August 29, 2010, at 12:02:26
Hi Enigma,
Sorry to hear about your marriage not working out. :)
You seem to have to much going on in the health department to be dating...chill out a little for now, ok? Get yourself together first, and then maybe the dating successess fill follow...
May I also ask-what happened with the previous psychiatrist who was also providing therapy to you? Was it psychoanalytic therapy by chance?
Posted by Enigma on September 1, 2010, at 22:53:16
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now!, posted by ed_uk2010 on August 31, 2010, at 12:26:58
v> Enigma,
>
> I have read your posts with interest. It's clear that you are suffering a great deal.Thanks, I wish some old friends on facebook, that have been dropping like flies (I've been dropping them), one just after all I've posted about depression, and what my typical day is like, links, etc, then she totally crossed the line.
She called me a coward for even thinking about suicide because I have children. Ever wonder why I'm still alive??. Yep. A Coward. For my entire friends list to see. Sorry honey, but u lack 1/10th the willpower that I do and if you had the same EXACT pain, symptoms, everything, the same, I KNOW for a FACT, she'd have off'ed herself MANY years ago.
I don't really know anyone that could have lasted as long as I have.I HATE when people haven't lived in my shoes (and it's not just the disorder, there's the failed marriage, wasted years of my life, lost soul mate because one asshole bouncer couldn't let me in the door - even for 5 mins - just so I could tell my sweetheart that I wasn't going to be able to join them. THEN, I could have got her PHONE NUMBER AT LEAST and I'll bet, if her feelings where as real as she made them out to be, I'd be so happy right now, it would be like talking to a completely different person.
I actually went to a psychologist today to ask why the crying started, and technically as well as realistically, I can break down, anywhere, at any time. Usually, when people listen to me, and treat me with respect and compassion, and are nice to me, I lose it and can't hold back my pain.
I'm actually so used to people hurting me, judging me unfairly, women, well, I don't even want to go there... that I expect people to be rude to me, in dating type scenarios, when alone in club, not at the convenience store. They was an incident that I luckily rose above, but it still hurt like hell when I went out to one bar to hear the band. When I was alone, after I met and talked to one of the owners, ironically enough, I'm fairly certain is was a group effort, to throw lemon wedges up to the balcony they HAD to be seen. They picked on my because I was older than most of the crowd, and because it's easy to pick on old creepy guy. So many people must have seen this happening and did nothing, like tell the cop who was 10 feet away from where the origin of the lemons where being tossed at me from. I was in awe that they could have been so immature. This hurt me, because, like I said, there's way that many people wouldn't have seen them throwing stuff at me since I was in the balcony. Last time I ever go there (not the balcony, the club).
I had a daydream/fantasy, whispering to myself for about an hour with an alternate ending that didn't turn out so well for those involved. I won't provide any more detail then that. Use your imagination.
I went out, alone tonight. I braved it yet again, because I guess I needed to get through it have gain some courage back.
My "alone" bar experience have been disasters. I've been not just shot down, but you wouldn't believe how rude the comments I would get were. If I said the same thing to a woman, she would literally start to cry, scream, then throw her drink and glass at me and the bouncer would throw me in the street. Yeah, that's fair.
I don't understand why women think they can be so utterly cruel to a complete stranger, that
a was a gentleman, possibly complimenting them, in addition to just selecting them out of all the other women. Are they impressed? Hell no. I can just see it now "oh no, he're comes a couple more losers (or heaven forbit, that older alone guy) to ask us out" WTF?? So why are they dressed in a 1 piece skin tight outfit, hair done by a pro, make-up, high heels, short skirt, cleavage mandatory, and yet, when we like what we see, and the only way we can meet them is we ALWAYS make the first move, yet we're flamed for it, usually in a cruel, sadistic manner... I will NEVER understand this behavior. Never. Women strangers have even approached me, just to say something mean.. like giving their UNWANTED opinion that they don't like your "hair", or your clothes, etc. For some reason, this is publicly acceptable behavior. I want to just hit them so hard, I crush 1/2 of their face in the process.Imagine if guys did this? (ppl above 25 I mean) The women would kick them in the nether regions. But because they think they will never get "punished" for this disgusting behavior, I wish I had an MMMA female friend whom lagged being me at malls and other places, then I could stap my fingers, and she come beat the self-righteous, outwardly opinionated, anti-social freak, senseless. I kinda have a crush of this brunette MMA fighter. I wish she could protect me where I'm put in a position of pain by a strange women, who now has to pay the consequences for her actions. That would be, eye for an eye, sweet, sweet, vengeance.
no woman would even DARE approach me and take that 0 to a sliver of a chance of getting shot down. Which, isn't something men, really do anyway... If a girl is somewhat attractive and she makes the first move? OMG, that's like dying and going to heaven, which I wish I believed in.And we would DEFINITELY want to hang with them and their friends for the company if no sparks went off. This, is my life. That's what happens when I try to go out. I asked 2 people to go with me. I knew I would get their constant excuses. All they do, is make excuses. One had to take his son to Karate!... I was like, ummmm, can't you f-ing wife do it? I'm only suicidal, that's all. No biggie, I don't need support from people. I'll just bury it all inside until I reach my threshold of pain and misery, then explode and lash out at people, be cruel to get back at them, cry every day, sometimes 4-5 times a day, but that's been getting better since I'm off the nardil. But now I'm more crazy.. Well, not true, the conversations I have with myself are daydreams and fantasies, not all and "pretty", many are fairly dark. I talk to myself constantly... whisper, so no family members can hear me. I act out completely fabricated scenarios to make me happpy (Like, I met a girl and I would whisper our conversation.) What amazes me about it, is that I don't hesitate at all when making up these stories. It flows like water. I guess I have one severely huge imagination and idea-bank to steal from. I thought I was losing my mind when the crying started (all I have to do is think of the soul-mate that bouncer wouldn't even allow me to talk to, just to get her number. I relive this story with it's 10,000 different endings, whispered to myself, almost always when I'm in bed. Many times they make me cry, based on where I am in the, like watch a sas scene in a movie. Actually, it's exactly like that. I have the time, as it still takes me 2-3 hours to get to sleep, even when taking 3 different meds for it. I feel like maybe my fantasies could come true, and I guess maybe it's some kind of defence mechanism.
Just recently because she's STILL ignorant to the fact that I'm in intense, pain, sorrow, sadness, and even anguish, let alone all the years of pent of frustration from people being 0.0% the friend to me, that I was to them. Well, as I kicked that habbit of being good to people who don't deserve my friendship, not I have no one. Just some girls I didn't even talk to in high school, that ask me how I'm doing on facebook, pray for me (really), and so on. I deleted all the people that haven't said a word to me, in ages or used to talk to me then stopped for whatever reason.
>
> I am not a psychologist and I don't want to sound trite..... but I do see evidence of a multitude of emotional problems and potentially problematic personality traits which need to be addressed in order for you to achieve better mental health. I do not think that any medication can solve these problems, and it does not surprise me that you have not obtained much benefit from medication in the past. Your mental health problems are a lot more complicated than 'just depression' or even bipolar disorder. This is not simply a biological issue.It's not really even that complicated. I'm lonely, as hell. I'm miserable. I've lost interests in just about everything. I can't even nap anymore and dream. Now I lie in bed and talk to myself in my little happy world. The real one abused me, since I was put into that "hell house". I'm also angry that no women will give the benefit of the dought, that most of their profiles, on dating sites, purely lie (I can back up, 8 months of research and testing to proof it). On a new site, and the same thing. If I find a girl who is attractive to me, they just blow me off. I email them again, pleading for a reason why they turned me down, and I tell them, that not knowing, and blowing someone off completely like that, is just sickengly rude. Being on-line just allows these people to be anti-social biches without, yet again, any consequences. They should just advertise the truth about what the web site is really like. From the women I'm spoke with, I never heard them say that they even had 1 successful date. At least, they GOT DATES. Women, like I keep saying, won't give me the benefit of the doubt and go on a date with me. So yeah, I'm extremely hurt and upset but so many women who just press delete and move on to the better looking guy. They don't know what they are missing. But that's no consolation for me, as I still get no date, no hand-holding, kissing, hugging, or any intimacy of any kind. It's literally killing me. Iv'e been miserable and lonely since Sarah, for 6 years, on top of the chemical depression that has seemed to magically vanish, well, I shouldn't say that. But ANY time I was off meds, I became suicidal, within days, and had to go back out something I hated. I tried the Selly, went up on it too quickly, and got a 36 hour headache, and went to the ER.
I got some good meds, and the pills and headaches are almost gone.
I like not being on meds, even though I'm terribly unhappy with most aspects of my life. I lost 5 pounds almost immediately after stopping nardil. I actually worked out (not because I wanted to, but because I was furiously at the women on my new "beauty contest" site. I changed my profile to TEAR them all a new one. I enjoyed that. I feel it was driven by my bipolar irritibility, and pure frustration, and anger I have towards a very stereotypical type of women. Some bipolar irritibility showed up, after qutting Nardil.I have a p-doc appt in 1 month, too far away but it's the best I could do. At least I know him, and I know he's experienced.
I don't really want meds again, but everyday is almost a battle just to reach bedtime. I can't nap anymore. I can't leave the house, for fear of crying in public, and, I just am petrified now of getting by anyone, so I hide out in my house.The reason I wanted a relationship to start, even the most basic casual dating, is so I wouldn't be lonely, and I know this would help me. But, she's got to genuinely be attracted to me in SOME way, or I'm not interested. That's why I haven't pursued those, hmm, what's a good term for them... sexual hookup sites. I'm not interested in that. If I was, I'd probably get a perfect 10 for an escort instead and just pay for it. At the very least I'd know what I was getting. Like I said, I'm not interested in empty, meaningless sex, while I don't know if I could participate in anyway. I probably could, If I was deathly attracted to the woman, and she let me do some, sensual things, not just intercourse. (this going to get accepted?)
>
> I don't know what sort of psychological treatment you have received in the past but I think this is something that you need to look into. There are many different therapists - and many different types of therapy, so there's a high probability that you could find something that suits, even if therapy hasn't helped you in the past. Due to your poor response to medication, I don't think you have any choice but to look at psychological treatments. Most psychiatrists do not seem to be very experienced or knowledgable in this area. I believe that some psychologists specialise in performing assessments which can suggest which type of therapy would be most beneficial. Perhaps this is the way to go?I had a very good therapist many years ago who using bio-feedback, litterally erased a great deal of hatred I had towards my parents for their treatment of me. To this day, I only gained a little of that hatred back...but that doesn't I want to be anywhere near my mother or brother as they both sicken me, and I can't believe we're ALL considered "human". I don't feel human. I haven't in ages. I feel like something more evolved, with a bigger heart, more caring, more problem solving (instead of like my mother AND wife, just screaming all the time, or bit-ching, near consantly (my mother).
I went to this therapist for a while to try and erase some of the negativity in me, learned behavior, and it was so-so succcessful, at least I try not to bit0ch and moan all the time now. Just list my symptoms here for others to relate to, to get support (I have no support netork - it's all, my defence mechanism, which I like say, is all the negativity, hatred, rage, vengeance, and so on, than I trap in a cage to keep him sealed up, as much as I can. But, he helps me. He protects me. In the most violent of ways, because that's what he's made of. He "escaped" at a party I was at, and long story short, he came to defend against this druken jack-as$ who was taunting me for 30 mins to get up and fight him. Yeah, 40 year olds. When he took swings at me, after I got him to sit down, and almost seriously injured his stupid girlfriend (who I've been friends with for MUCH longer than this clown), I lost it, my DM took over my body, I torn him to the ground, jumped ontop of him, strangeling him to death. Luckily, but too little too late, now I was the psycho, and scared the hell out of the person I was trying to protect. She someone got it in her head that I was going to go over to her house and kill her. Yeah, if that strikes you as odd, it pretty much blew my mind too. I made a space for her to escape, and saved her from serious blows to the back of her head from her drunk ex-cop (He got ejected and can never be cop again - take a guess why?)...so I let her free, screaming at him trying to make him here me that he was going to severely injure his gf. so, I backed off, let her escape, and now, she and that WHOLE group of "friends" are no longer in my life. Guess who they still hang around with. Yeah, the drunken idiot who taunted to fight for 30 mins and even broken chain, anything he could do, insult me, call me names, etc. But I would leave my chair, because I knew he was in grave danger already. I don't fight conventionally. I take people to the ground like MMA style, jujitsu?, and paralyse them,or worse, pull my knife out and end things, by threat, not my action (with the knife). From now on, I carry it every I go.My DM, was still active for a couple, then, the emails flew out. I trashed everyone that did't help put a stop to what they saw going on, which they did see, and ignore for reasons beyond my knowledge. THEY abandoned me too. Like everyone else in my life.
What kind of person sees two friends starting with each other, actually, I was just commenting on my PERSONAL experiences with the police, and they've been bad. Mostly corrupt, liars, power hungry, and so on. I have many real examples. I've even been mistaken for a gunman, and had several pistols unknowingly pointed at my head because so bozo couldn't tell it was a fake gun, and it was an INDIAN (dark skin, yeah, looks nothing like me), who took the gun out of a bag of "toys" I had, and I fell asleep in the passenger seat of the car, while he took the gun out and was pretending to shoot himself. Not only did they pick the person of the wrong race, they didn't even question my indian friend, and did he even say "it was me who took the gun out"...nope.
After I immediately told one officer that it was a fake, a cap gun, noise maker only, he didn't tell the other officers 4 feet away from him after he had the gun, and I was harrassed, beat up, searched, harrassed some more, made fun of, but a large pack of gun wielding maniacs.. yes, maniacs. They so couldn't handle their "high", they took it out on me. Only one officer, a black guy who seems not associated or friendly with the rest of them, was the only one that was nice to me and help me gather my belongings after the searched the car (with 0 probable cause). Like I said, they got a tip there might be a gunman outside of this building, and they just believe it. Any moron could have called and made that story up...and it must have been full of holes, as the Indian friend of mine should have been the one that was being called in, and I'm sure the caller said he was Indian.>
> I'm also hoping that someone with more knowledge of psychology (like Violette) will be able to suggest which form of psychotherapy might help you the most.
>
> Please don't take this as a criticism. I've noticed that a lot of participants on this board feel attacked by the suggestion of emotional problems. It's as if they feel that their very essence is being criticised, rather than their illness, if that makes sense. Talk of biological illness (and over-medicalisation of psychiatry) feels so very 'comfortable' in comparision because it removes attention from the person, and focuses solely on the illness. It makes discussion of psychiatric illness feel no different to talking about rheumatoid arthritis or diabetes. I have plenty of my own emotional problems so I know how difficult they can be to deal with. Anyway, I'd better leave it there.
>
> Take care.No, I don't feel slighted. You didn't judge me, you only stated your opinion without personally attacking me, like a friend I lost that I met here, as was pen pals with for years. I blew up when she started to judge me and attack my personal being, as if i really have much of a choice in my actions lately, or for a long time now.
Also, you didn't act immature, and start with name-calling, which at my age, is extremely offensive, immature, and ignorant.I see the therapist (he's a phd), and I'm not sure he can help me. I've always needed a balance of good and evil to be sane. In other works, if people are "evil" to me, and I don't have anyone being food to me, eventually, I'll snap..
And, it's too late. I already did. I lashed out to people on the dating site, viciously. Sure, it's all backed up by a year of research, but they pushed me too far.
That avenue was my only hope. If I somehow found an angel (a compassion, empathic, wonder woman, who doens't even care that I'm depressed), yeah, I know, I have a better chance of being struck my lightning. Of course, being the picky bio-engineered physical trait freak, there's even less of a chance. I think Sarah was this person, and now I'll never see her again.
Since it took 14 year to bar hopping to even meet someone REMOTELY like her, and now 6 more has passed, I don't think it's realistic at all to find anything even closely matching her qualities.Sorry for all the typos, and repeated info. My mind is not functioning so well lately.
Posted by Enigma on September 2, 2010, at 10:56:49
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list - I'm Off Nardil now! » Enigma, posted by violette on September 1, 2010, at 0:41:50
> Hi Enigma,
>
> Sorry to hear about your marriage not working out. :)
>
> You seem to have to much going on in the health department to be dating...chill out a little for now, ok? Get yourself together first, and then maybe the dating successess fill follow...
>
> May I also ask-what happened with the previous psychiatrist who was also providing therapy to you? Was it psychoanalytic therapy by chance?
>Thanks. I wish it never was, except I want to keep my kids. I wasn't the best years of my life trying to make someone else happy without any regard for any of my needs being fulfilled. I never really had that many needs anyway. All I needed was 1-2 lifelong, loyal, brother-like friends. I never got anything even remotely close.
Before I forget, I'll answer your question. No one around here, maybe except for 1 guy I think I saw who advertised in Boston, does psychoanalysis.
I was supposed to get cognitive behavioral therapy, but when I go see these practitioners, they just give me talk therapy. I find that know little to nothing of actually APPLYING CBT, they just know what the definition of it is.
I went out last night, just because I needed to get over my fear. Yes, I'm afraid to go to bars/clubs/etc now (alone), because since my so-called friends ran away, I know the judgements will start coming. Why's that guy here by himself? Doesn't he have any friends? Why is he listening to his mp3 player?
Because I've tried talking to people, wherever I went, and usually that went badly, and they hurt me, ignored me, treated me, well, like a loser, etc.I looked great last night. Perfect shave, hair, good muscle tone, smaller gut, now it's pretty small - I lost 7 pounds now after stopping Nardil, I have about 10-12 more to go, and I need to lift again. Point is, which I already said in my previous post surprised me and spoke a word to me. I expected this, which is why I bring my earbuds.
I worked out the other day like some kind of animal, where I set the machine (treadmill) to a high setting, and ran it twice. I NEVER workout. The sweating side-effect is still with me, I could overheat and die, when on Nardil, or Selegeline. Read the side-effects if you don't believe me. Since I'm off all my meds, I was full of rage, I jumped on there to get it out of my system.. Even did 500 "butterfly curls", and bicep curls, with no weight, while running. Normally, I would have lasted 10-15 mins of this, but my fury pushed it up to an hour before I almost collapsed.
Doc yesterday said I'm grieving from suffering from so much loss. Career, friends, blown off my hundreds of women (this number is very LOW compared to how many I contacted (attempted to contact) in 8 months).
I guess I already knew that, and, only after 2 beers, which I know, I shouldn't drink, I feel terrible today.. not a hangover, I think..but maybe that same recurring headache (and possibly a touch of a hangover - as I never drink anymore, my tolerance dropped).. I had the bartender dump my 3rd beer. I knew it was just going to make me sick, or upset, or risk my DUI limitations, etc. I only drank because I needed a vacation.
I so wish one woman could have come up to me last night just to ask what I was listening to, cause I "groove" physically, "play" the drums (tapping to the beat,etc) and I really don't care what anyone thinks.
My dreams, for once, were all bad last night, meaning, ppl let me down, denied me of their promises, etc. I'm a very light sleeper and wake up many times at night, still. So, I usually remember my dreams...and they're usually "hard-core", like the music I listen to.. meaning that they're extreme. I woke up to a dream where super hero-kind of, types, were fighting the bad guys. With full gore, that doesn't seem to phase me. The hero was trying to destroy the main "bad guy", then turned out to be on his side all along, having caused the deaths of many of his, just prior, allies, friends, and comrades. I think I was supposed to be the hero, and was so upset "I" let so many people down, used them, put them in danger, got killed them, etc.
Another, a sexy young woman, promised me, well, use your imagination, then after waiting throughout the whole dream for my reward, let me down.
Talk about exaggerations of my life (2 so-called friends let me down that night, whom I asked to go out with me - 1, had a good excuse, I guess, and the other, so lame that I don't even want to write it down, or I'll punch my LCD). I asked him.. "did you ever thing, I'm in a REALLY bad way right now? Have you ever said yes to go out after work for dinner, a drink, to talk, etc,?" Then I said wait, don't answer that, it was rhetorical. Of course you didn't. I forgot to say, Jeez, how many people do you know like me, ready to pop, at any moment. Ok, I have to say it. He said, "I have plans". I said, like what? He said, "I have to drive my son to Karate". I instantly replied, can't your WIFE do it?, he responded later by saying that you have to give people some notice. Jeezus. I said, "That's a BS excuse and YOU KNOW IT". I then said "If you needed me, I'd already be there and you that too". NO RESPONSE. He didn't even want to ask his wife for help, and that "V" (my nickname), really needed him. I know her. She would have said, "oh god, get out of here, why don't you even have your shoes on yet". "He's calling for help you stupid $!#^%!, and you gave him THAT excuse?".
Then he asks me to go to lunch with him today, like a mere 45 mins is gonna do anything for me - this is before my last email to him.
I immediately wrote in my diary (digital daily log thing), on my phone, never to ever call him again. I wouldn't have called either of the excuse twins, but, I'm desperate.
I feel so horrible today, mainly because I couldn't get over him (and the countless list I've already burned bridges with - and never regretted it - that came before him, everything else I've said above, and where I'm going to be "at" in my life, for who knows how many years to come.
I had my usual super sweating yesterday, I wish that side-effect would go away already, but somehow I think it's now permanent or going to take months to dissipate. Nardil seems like it permanently broke my bodies ability to cool itself and regulate its temperature. I soaked through my t-shirt, pj to (which I don't usually wear, but I got cold, then hot, common cycle for me.. sweat cools on your body before evaporating, then the fans I have on me chill me, so I put something else on, and overheat.. anyway, so my back, and back of my neck soaked through to the pillowcase and into the pillow. Fun.
At the bar, I couldn't even sit on the deck and had to go inside, where it was like a morgue. I just sat there jamming to my music while watching all the people in groups have laughs and fun. Many, were golfers, older ones, where they STILL went out, with just the guys, so screw those jerks that I know at 40 who have "given up" on that lifestyle. How amazingly pathetic. Come to think of it, I don't think I've ever seen a women there, alone.. sometimes another guy. Women, almost never go out alone, for the same reasons I don't want to. But if one did, she's probably be hounded by men all night, especially if she was pretty.. I see her point.
I wonder if people thought I wanted to be alone, due to the headphones. I only wear them, and hour or more after I get there, giving people a chance to talk to me, but no one cared, wanted company, etc. I was all alone, again, surrounded by people. Imagine if someone looked at me and said to themselves, "that guy is all alone, why don't we invite him over to our table".. I wonder if anyone EVER thought that of me... I know I have, to others who looked lonely, and sat next to them and tried to talk. They either blew me off, or said very little, and left soon afterwards. I can't win. I have no exceptions to these stories above.When I was <=39, I met women at "the bar" ONLY when I was with a friend, and hit it off so well, we hugged them (of course I insisted), after we said goodbye. This actually reminded me of a married woman I kinda fell for, who I'm pretty sure knew I liked her. I think she felt the same way. During our hug, she gave me a kiss on the cheek, and I never asked for it, and she was sober. This used to happen a lot when I had "drinking buddies". Now, my social life is, well, dead. Those bastard "friends" couldn't even give me 1 night every other month!!! I hope, well, naa, I won't finish that sentence...
So, I don't know what to do now. 1 month till my "new" p-doc - he's one that gave me ECT before, which failed miserably. Not sure what meds will help me, and I'm really not interested in playing that game again. Something in my brain has changed, like I said before. I've never been off meds this long and not been suicidal, every day.
I couldn't talk to the doctor without crying. I was able to stop myself after a while, but it was very hard. Cried last night at some point, in bed, and this morning, while writing this post.
My head is killing me and I really want my vicatin back. Other meds aren't cutting it on this headache.
Another person sent me an email on one of my dating sites (I refuse to pay for them anymore, or do 'searches', just to get shot down). Too painful. I should probably go and take the angry message down off my bio on one of the sites. But if it hurts the people who hurt me, then I feel great about it. I'm one big pile of Vengeance...ever since I was a kid. That's not what people call me 'V' btw...
Oh yeah, so I checked her out and again.. sorry, but not interested at all. Still have yet to get an email on those sites by someone I'm attracted to. Now I can blow her off, like the pretty women all do, or let her down easy, which is what I always do. Wonder if some people who rather be "blown off", no response, etc. I don't.
Since I'm so damaged lately, my charm, sense of humor (any happiness) I would show normally, when out, are dead. I'd probably be like a zombie if someone talked to me.. I'm not sure. Maybe if they were attractive, I'd switch gear back to the social comedian I used to be. When my friends abandoned me, over the years, they also killed off the different fun "personalities" I used to have. Now I'm dry, cold, and humorless, say, if I'm talking to my wife or relatives happen to come here, and I don't hide in bed all day. To these people, who only knew me as the funny guy, must really be shocked when they talk to me now. Quiet, cold, etc.
I have no idea how to "get better". All I have in the pipeline is a DBS study that I started applying for, and submitted my first application for. Still waiting for the results. 2 more tests will follow. But, I'm scared.. not just of the brain surgery, but what if it doesn't help. I already KNOW I don't want a pacemaker device sticking out of my upper chest. I'm sure the chicks would dig that.. NOT. I do have the perfect tattoo lined up to try and cover it up though, but since it actually protrudes from your chest, it's hard to miss with a tight shirt, or most shirts really. Explaining to people what that is, I can already see going south. You think people fear me now? Then I'll actually look like a freak too.
Oh well, guess these posts don't really belong under the medication forum anymore.
I literally have NO idea what I'm going to do right now. It's tough when nothing makes you happy, and my female counterpart is MIA, doesn't exist, and so on. I'd really like to go lie down and have Sarah wrap her arms around me, tell me that she loves me and always will, no matter what, and have her fall asleep with her head on my chest. I want this more than anything, and would even sacrifice one of my legs for it. Seriously...
Damn it...crying again.
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