Posted by Enigma on August 22, 2010, at 11:12:09
In reply to Re: 'Best Psychiatrist' list, posted by creepy on August 19, 2010, at 11:35:26
I called the same guy in Andover, MA twice and he sounded older than the sun.
Once he blew me off after I left a message and once I caught him.
It seemed like that was his home phone number and I was bothering him.
Then after I explained a bit about myself he said, well "not everyone can be helped" which was really discouraging, and made me want to cut myself open right then and there because it really seemed like I fit into that category.
Then he said to call some other phone number for pricing information (his secretary). He does not take medicare. The pricing information number didn't call me back.Then I got a call back from a place that already told me they didn't take medicare either, then they called again days later and told me to call them back. ??
I found a guy, at a primary care facility no less, and he actually prescribed me a one time, 30 day supply of Selegeline. He seemed to really care about not wanting me to die. First doc that really seemed to care that I've seen in a while, so I made him my PCP.
I've been off Nardil now for 3 days (or is it 4), and all I feel is stomach pain from another illness - some acid/ulcer thing where I couldn't tolerate the meds but I'm on them again because the pain never goes away - it's 24/7. I've been having about 3 brutal headaches that don't respond to OTC meds much at all, and those have been around as long as the stomach problems have. Never had any "acid" problems in my stomach in my life, but my by gastro PHD doc is still 2 weeks away. I was seeing the PA before, and I think she is WRONG.
The only new symptom that I've had is this odd light-headed feeling that that seems to stick around most of the day. Started as soon as I quit Nardil. I was thinking it was some withdrawal effect. I *still* have to get another pdoc, even though I KNOW no one where I live is qualified to treat TRD.
But, at least I can get an appointment and maybe more meds if they know what to give me (which I doubt, tried pretty much everything).I'm still crying a lot in response to these stories/fantasies I make up when I talk to myself in bed. Both started two months ago (the crying and talking to myself). I'm afraid I'm losing my mind. I'm afraid to go out in public for fear my mind will wander to a sad subject and I'll start crying in public (which has happened, but I was able to make it to my car).
I have the potential to cry over almost anything even remotely sad - even, like I said, pure fiction that I make up. I don't know why I started talking to myself, but I make up these stories that are somewhat based on reality and I put a new ending on them over and over again - passes the time I guess. Almost always, real people are the main characters.
I wish I could just start writing again, but they aren't long enough to fill out a novel, they're more like a part of a chapter or just a short chapter of a novel. I don't even hesitate though, I just spit out the words as if I'm reading a book aloud to myself, making every work/line up as I go. They're almost always sad and very depressing. It's like I *need* to be depressed.
This morning I dreamed of this "spark", ask I call them, who used to be my old baby sitter who is actually a beautiful person on the inside and out. Those are people I call "sparks". Usually a person who doesn't abuse others with their amazing talents and looks, brag, let it go to their head, and everyone wants to be around them because they are so positive, fun, and full of (positive) energy. I'm attracted to these people like a magnet. I've been around and met thousands of the opposite type of person. Very attractive/beautiful people who use their looks as a weapon, to hurt people, to get what only THEY want, are self-absorbed, egotistical, Narcissistic, and so on, and these people usually have 0 special skills or talents, maybe some of the men being good at one or two sports. Big whoop. The Sparks are usually good at everything they put their mind to, are the nicest people you ever want to meet, don't have a mean bone in their body, get on the honors list every single semester, and she was the main star in her dance production company's nutcracker ballet and didn't let it go to their head (at all), and so many other things.
Anyway, so I dreamed that I spoke to the babysitter down the street, after I befriended her on facebook, and it's literally been years. She was 13-14 when we last spoke. She was gorgeous/adorable even then. I saw a picture of her at 17 and shes even more beautiful, which I knew she would be. (to compare her to an old coworkers daughter who is beautiful and 17, she's a complete b*tch), So my whispered fantasy was that she came to me and told me she had a crush on me since she first met me, and wanted to "do something about it", now. I said, even if you were 18, I told her I was 41 and I was flattered as hell if not just plain dreaming, and was thinking of considering seeing her secretly at 18, but that it would never work, and once she went away to college, it would break my heart as she would fall in love with someone her own age, as I told her she should, and she would forget about me. And yada yada yada. It would have made a nice chapter to some book about teenage love and adult fantasies. (like that movie with Kevin Spacey). I cried softly, in real life when I had to turn her down, which is why I say there's always some sad part in these fantasies that makes me cry and how I wish I could have been 19 again so I could have started my life all over again with her, my perfect choice for a soul-mate.
Many of the stories have to do with exactly that, getting a second chance from an angel who notices my intense pain and grants me my wish to start over again, of course, removing my depression from my brain. I'm obsessed with Angels, not the little porcelain babies with wings, but the wrath of god angels, that are more like warriors than anything else (see the prophecy trilogy, and there's been some other really cool ones, where the angels are always men, old testament, etc. Michael, Rafael, etc.
Anyway, that's just one example (or two). I've had a score of others. All with parts that make me cry. Instead of just dreaming them, which I also do, I've had the same dream 5-6 nights in a row, like a sitcom, all with the same characters, me being one of them (but I'm not "me"), all with different story lines. If I could only remember every single detail and write them down. In the past I've had repeat dreams, but never an evolving dream that literally has a cast of characters, that I completely invented (I don't watch tv or movies anymore - lost interest due to depression). The amount of detail and creativity in the dreams astounds me.
Anyway, what I've been expecting is to be sleeping all day long, instead, I've been wide awake with no interest in getting out of bed, coupled with the intense headache pain, dizziness and stomach pain. Instead, I'm wide awake, and the last 2 days in bed felt like an eternity. Usually when I'm bedridden due to depression, I sleep most of the day without any difficulty or sleep aids (only needed at night for some odd reason), but I'm not tired at all now and I'm still getting up exactly at 2:00 am (so strange) every morning, when I try to go back to bed without much success. Passing the time with the pain in my stomach and head is somewhat unbearable. I was considering going in-patient again, just so they could give me some sedatives. Or, maybe I could meet a pretty single depressed patient there I could date ;).. There were 3 women at the last inpatient stay that were attracted to me, but were all spoken for. I think one (unknown one) was vying for me, but I wasn't interested. I of course wanted the 27 year old blond ;) (I'm 41). But, during my last stay, they give you nice pain meds, but they never ever gave me sedatives, but when I was there, I had no trouble sleeping like I am now.
This is my first day out of bed and I don't know what to do with myself. I've been waiting for the crying storm to hit. I don't understand why it hasn't yet. When I took myself of Nardil before, I think I tapered it as well, and I suffered those (not sure what to call them but just to describe them), supremely intense, hyperventilating, chest pounding, lying in fetal position, extremely loud sobbing/yelling/crying feeling like you are literally having a heart attack and hit with THE WORST mental anguish you've ever felt in your entire life. You can't think rationally at all, you can't stop the crying, hyperventilating, intense suicidal thoughts, you just have to ride out whatever the hell is happening to you. I believe this is when most suicides occur. They are just too overwhelming too deal with. I've been blessed/cursed with an iron will. Very soon after going down off Nardil, I had two of these, and 1 after going back on Nardil for a month, the worst one I ever had (the most intense and "earth-shaking"/powerful". They are IMPOSSIBLE to explain, they look like you are having a heart attack or a convulsion (think ECT), you cannot really talk or do anything else but suffer HORRIBLY with the worst depressive thoughts that your mind can invent being launched at you at 100 miles an hour, not a single one of them being real (but not always), and multiple feelings of grief at the same time. I almost didn't survive the last one. I just kept yelling the name of the soul-mate I lost named Sarah. All I wanted was her to be there to hold me and help me ride out the pain. I told my wife to leave. I didn't want her there. The whole event lasted 2+ hours. The worst being in the first 30 mins. It was unbearable.
They should have returned by now. I haven't been on ANY AD meds for 3 days now. I still feel suicidal, but mainly because I don't feel I'll ever fall in love again, not from the chemical side of things (which I take Nardil for) and knowing any drug I take will poop out by the time I *might* get accepted into a certain DBS study Im applying for. I'm not going to start the Selegeline unless I absolutely have to. I'm at a loss as to what's going on.
If anyone can shed some light, please let me know. It's as if my chemical depression decided to go on hold for some reason. You never know, I could have an "attack" later today. I need to find the energy to fill out the DBS study application, but my headache always kicks in when I fill it out. :(
Take care. Sorry this was a novel. I have NO one else to really talk to.
My own brother had NO comment when I told him I might only have 1-2 years left to live. Amazing family I have huh?
poster:Enigma
thread:955737
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20100821/msgs/959382.html