Posted by susan47 on February 2, 2008, at 20:04:35
In reply to I can't think about this, right now, posted by susan47 on February 1, 2008, at 19:51:57
when life becomes unbearable, when hope is lost, when anger is so deep it's turned to depression, to self-chastisement, self-hatred, even self-aggrandizement ... a bit manic, a bit self-involved, when selflessness might be the key. when all our gurus tell us that to be selfless is to be next to God, when my ex-T looked at me with disgust, because he was ashamed for everything i said, ashamed for everything he thinks i might have done, which i haven't, but which i have no defense against either, because i am not in his mind, but i think nevertheless that his mind might not be very generous, when i believe he sees things i don't feel i am, or ever would be.
but i am disappointed in myself.
i don't like myself, and that is the real problem. no one will ever like me, no one will appreciate me or love me until i can do those things for myself, and then properly do them for others too.
but that isn't true, because i do appreciate and love others.
i loved my ex-T. i loved him so much, and it's such a deep shame because he'll never know or understand how that love felt, to me, or how it was about him. how the love was really about what i saw in him, what i felt about him, it was so beautiful.
i would want him to know that. so that if i die tomorrow, or today, or next year, or if he does, just so that it is known.
so that the love i felt, can be seen and felt by someone else.
that's the wish i would have.
i know people love each other the way i felt love for this ex-T. it must be possible, because it happened for me.
and i think that i was stoned, at the time.
and i think that every time i have felt that wonderful love for him, the idealization, and the feeling of soul closeness and identification with not only him, but every wonderful and happy thing i ever felt about anything, every time i ever felt that wholeness of being when i was in love with my ex-T, i was in a condition that was induced by a drug.
i want the feeling, without the drug.
i remember, he had a discussion with me, once, about a way i could get the feeling the drug brought (and we weren't talking about my loving him at the time). Was there a way i could get the feeling without using the drug?
Of course not.
Not unless i replaced the drug with someone i really loved, that was the thing that gave me the same feeling as the drug.
now the drug does nothing for me, only makes me desperate to emote. now, the drug brings about feelings of emotion that are suppressed most of the time, feelings of emotion that hide in my daily depression. Daily. What a tiny word for such a big event. The days of my life are flowing away from me, always away into the past as i swallow up visions of the future.
Today my heart pounded in pain, a sudden painful feeling of my heart stopping, but it was like i was punched in the chest. it feels psychic, not just physical, there's a psychic pain attached. like the feeling when i smoke mj now. in the beginning i thought mj opened my heart, i thought it made me expansive. but now i realize i'm just clouding my heart; every time now i feel the blockage, especially in the mornings, when life is closer somehow .. the mornings are the times i feel especially, very very vulnerable. and the evenings. when the cloud of night comes covering the grey of the day that was.. that's when i feel the most despair. because mostly now my days consist of hoping for something better than this.
i am so dead inside.
no one could know how dead this is.
unless you've been there.. unless you are there, unless you've been and you can remember.
but here's the trick.
you can't remember without getting the feeling back, and the feeling might then become a habit, and god knows that one habit leads to another.
poster:susan47
thread:810187
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/810364.html