Posted by susan47 on January 28, 2008, at 11:56:37
In reply to Seeing Clearly What We Do, posted by susan47 on December 23, 2007, at 9:46:20
What a great heading, hello.
because then I can say anything i like and no one knows any better, nobody but me,
and I can sayanything.
So I will.
and this is about sex.
So I hope that my child doesn't read it.
Not until she's old enough to not have to
identify with it too closely.
Because I'm me, and she's herself,
totally a different person,
as though we lived apart.
Because one day that's how it will be,
but exactly.
It's like that with my eldest.
He's so separate from me, so apart,
that it's almost as though I don't know who he is.
I remember this baby, this gorgeous, smart, fat, cute baby.
I remember things like him running around naked,
with his tiny friend in his hand, just discovered.
So cute.
Big smiles.
Big, goofy smiles of love and happiness, and he was really a joyous little boy.So I guess this isn't about sex with my ex after all.
Whis is the mood I began this in.
What it's about, is how I remember that I was just standing there in the kitchen, after waking up in about ten different moods,
the biggest one being depression..
which isn't a feeling.
Depression is a suppression of feeling. It's an inability to feel. It's a great sadness, a feeling of failure, of what's right about this day that I'm not getting?
But aside from all that.
What I realized standing there, in the kitchen, is how sex is a forgotten tool to realizing life. Life. Because in sex, my body moves without my mind, if I allow it if I let it happen, if i let that be, then my body will just respond, react, and come to life. Which is what my mind can't do.
My mind is such an enemy to my life. It won't let me feel, for one thing.
But what I was realizing is that i get pissed with S. because he's too much like me, because he's always doing things that make me feel happy if i let it, but that make me angry because it's what I wanted. For instance, today. He calls in to work after his morning bath because he knows I would feel better not having another day alone with the kids, and because he knows his presence is a great comfort to me. I love that he will support me so heartily. But then I'm also angry with him because I feel he should be more focussed on his career .. which is ridiculous when that isn't my own value. I know how deadening it is to go to work every day when you know you'd rather be somewhere else.
My career is a really bad choice, a very poor fit for me, but I invested in it and i feel like i should stick it through and get the paycheque and the pension (F*CK THAT SH*T), and the advice of so many is stay for the "security" but i know in my heart there is no security in job "satisfaction" which boils down to a pension, which boils down to going somewhere you can't bear to be for so many hours, doing something which makes you unhappy and uncomfortable, for a paycheque so your kids can go to summer camp (only they won't, they Refuse, they only want to sit on the couch playing video games and watching television, what could be worse when they're sick, when they're on vacation. When i left them four years ago they spent two years on the couch being sick and i spent two years stoned out of my head and feeling emotions which i forgot were possible, Just so that i could Feel Something besides anger, which I spent too long in, which became something else, a beast I could no longer control any other way, only through the smoke and confusion of addiction, God damn it, god damn me, you damned me and Why???)
What I was thinking was how this ex-spouse did so many things that helped me feel better but made my clinging worse, but also that was my own fault, because I am Dependent, aren't I CW? I am a dependent personality.
Damn people, damn you for labelling without explaining. Here, Madame B. You may not remember what you said, but I have it in writing, here in one of my dozen journals, little bits here, pieces there ... kept for your posterity. Posterity, posterior, posteriors, i am so glad to see the posterior of yourself and that of CW too, and that of Dr. O'B, who cannot handle his own life never mind that of his patients', and Dr. K. O'N, now there is a jewel in the making. Oh, yes, how very helpful to live in the Now, darling. When the now f*ck*ng sucks and you have no Idea what Depression really means because you're sh*t-faced afraid of it yourself.
Back to the posterity, now, and the writing, and the journals, and the experiences i had with you-all.
All under my influence. Every memory has my mind's shading, just as yours shades your own memories, shadows of your existence.
Hey.
These things that feed my shallow soul when it can't feel for itself, help me live. If it weren't for my ex, I wouldn't be here today. He's managed to feed my anger and keep me alive at the same time.
Quite a feat, quite a trick.
I think we were meant for each other somehow.
Which may not be a good thing, I don't know. Because I still can't feel everything.
But I know that no one knows you like someone who loves you.
Being able to love back, being able to give positive messages and respond to positive messages, there's the rub.
That's the trick.
The hat trick.
What a f*ck*ng rant, what a raving bitch.
I don't care.
I have a right to be healthy, to be free, to be my own. My kids have that right too.
Everyone has that right.
poster:susan47
thread:802232
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/809341.html