Posted by susan47 on December 23, 2007, at 16:09:31
he was my "therapist" although I never knew where the therapy was, and I wanted him I loved watching his body, he has this lovely body and it moves so smoothly, so well organized is his brain. I loved that about him, he seemed to have a really orderly mind, in a way a turnoff too though .. and I was a turnoff to him in so many ways, but let's not talk about that right now, let's let it all hang out, Susan honey. You wanted to f*ck him; actually you wanted him to f*ck you. You wanted him to suck places and kiss them, smell places on your body, your skin, your hair and his too. You wanted so much to smell and feel and Take In all those places in his physical being that are precious, because they're part of Him. And you know that difference, you know what He and he and Him and him really mean. You know it's not physical, you know it's a peek at what a soul mate could feel like. Susan, you made him up out of your own psyche. He's CW, cw ... you can't even name him, because you might get caught, and his mind is so worldly and orderly and frightened, that Yes, you know what he might do. You know he can't be trusted, either IRL or psychically. He flounders as much as you do, and because of that, he gets help .. and he needs the Orderly kind of help. You know that. You know all of this. You need to be brutally honest, you need to know that he doesn't listen, he doesn't read, he does not understand because he gets impatient, and frightened, and unkind. Why? Susan, why do you see these things in him, about him? Is it because you feel that way about yourself, Susan? Is it because you don't like your own judgements about others, about yourself, about your life and your being-ness, all the things about the sadness and pain of history, and that of others, that you can't do anything about. You can't even help yourself. You try and you seem to succeed, and then it feels like failure. Because he moves on, Susan. He has a life, and it doesn't include you and you must understand that it can't, and it never will. No matter what you want. Susan, because you Want something, doesn't mean you will Have it.
Better to think about Nothing.
Don't think, Susan. Just please, please be happy. Please be satisfied with what you have, what I have. Please just live in the moment and try not to worry about the future. Please, Susan. Please.
poster:susan47
thread:802298
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20071223/msgs/802298.html