Posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 22:30:37
In reply to Re: Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 27, 2005, at 22:19:39
Actually, I was just out in the bush with the kids and friends, for a few days, and a small lake and swimming all day, jumping in off the dock and swimming out, and playing with the kids and a huge log, swimming this thing around with my girlfriend, two of us Pippi Longstockings, had a blast, swimming out into the lake together just to talk, talking and swimming and playing. Sitting out on the dock at 8 in the morning, letting the sun warm you in the complete silence and reflections on the lake.. having the place to yourselves until practically noon, the kids catching newts and frogs and swimming all day from sunup to sunset.
It was paradise.
And I learned things I never knew before. Things I'd read about and been told, but things nevertheless that never really resonated in me until now. Now I feel completely blessed to have had that feeling of peace and hope and actual happiness. Scary to say because poof, you say it and suddenly it turns out to have been a mirage ... like a man I love deeply and exists only, unfortunately, in my mind. But real enough, he's real enough for me.
I told him a while ago, I said I didn't know why I was chasing him, but I was, and I didn't want to be, and maybe he translates that in his way, but now I'm translating it to the knowledge in myself, that I was chasing Me.. and I think maybe I'm finally catching myself. And I'm thinking that perhaps the me I am, is not only Good Enough, but one of the Best, because I want to be, and I can, I can be that. I can grow and I can change, and I've done quite a beautiful bit of that lately, inside myself, though there's always Life, you know, Right There, waiting to bite me in the butt. And it does, but I don't have to live without Hope. That's one thing that is available to me, to all of us. It's just a matter of finding the Key.. and when it's in your possession, try and make a duplicate, a skeleton key, and pass it on.
Susan, this is Crap. Fun, but crap nonetheless. I think. Or no, sometimes I just don't think. But those're the times when it's smart not to go out.
Sigh.
poster:Susan47
thread:541792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050807/msgs/547437.html