Posted by AdaGrace on August 15, 2005, at 8:37:54
In reply to Rant, posted by Susan47 on August 15, 2005, at 0:33:50
It's so very hard to accept that another person does not want or love us when we feel so very confident that our love for them is so complete.
I know what it feels like Susan.
I know what it it like to wake up in the night and reach out into thin air, yearning, wanting, needing that person. Wanting to share with them every thought, every action that consumed out day.
Our lives are wrapped up in them and it is inconceivable to not be able to talk, share, touch them. And even more horrific that they might know how we feel, but either not care or not willing to take the giant leap of faith it would take for us to be together.
It's like being locked in a dreamlike state. Our minds revisit our time with them. We only envision the wonderful times and beautiful memories of that person.
I want so much for him to realize that we were great together I want him to know how very much I still love and want him. I want him to also know how deeply hurt and scarred I am because of him. I want him to know that there is noone else on this earth who can make me feel the way he did.
But I can't even do any of that, I can't talk to him. I can't hear his voice. I can't feel him breath. I don't get the priveledge of knowing if he is dead or alive. Happy or sad. Alone or with someone. I can only live out the fears and assumptions in my mind. Sometimes the not knowing is as bad as the knowing.
It's been a year for me Susan. And I still cannot believe that I will not be spending the rest of my life with him. I still reach for the phone when I hear a new song I think he might like, or read the news in his area. Yes, I visit a web site of his hometown newspaper. How pathetic is that.
I don't know where he is. I don't know if he is okay. I don't know if he still thinks of me. I don't know if he meant anything he said to me, and I don't know if I will ever get over this.
I'm angry. Yes. Very angry that he didn't stick it out and try. Angry that in the end he didn't think we were soulmates and were meant to be together like he said to me so very many times over and over and over.
I'm also hurt. Hurt beyond recovery. I cannot imagine life without him, and therefore can't live. I'm alive, but not living. I exist. That's all. I try to replace him and the feelings I had for him with other men, but I usually end up feeling empty, alone, and extreemly depressed. No matter how tight you squeeze your eyes shut and pretend it's him, reality seeps in and grabs hold of you and shakes you back to the present. You wake up and realize that the man touching you, holding you, sharing everyday life with you is not him, and never will be and there really is no replacement for him.
That is the bain of my existence.
poster:AdaGrace
thread:541792
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050807/msgs/541868.html