Posted by Susan47 on April 7, 2005, at 3:39:50
A special vulnerability
acute chronic stress
paranoid ideas
parents both suffering,
always have suffered, secrets kept....
so many bloody secrets,
stupidity in spades:
vulnerable idiots who refuse
to admit they're damaged...Why did he not tell me all these things
at the time he might have done that
When I came in demanding to know
weeks after he terminated me
he simply said,
"I'm not your clinician"
when he could have said,
"Yes, you're manic depressive
and I'm afraid I've helped push you there
because I did not understand
I did not understand
I'm sorry I failed you
Please forgive me..I was only trying
to build your trust, and because
I was ignorant, I failed you.
Because I believed that manic depression
was unbearable, and I wanted something
else for you, I couldn't see
that you weren't necessarily pathological.
That my caring for you, could actually
help. So I did not reach out.
Because I was a frightened little doctor.
I was afraid you would kill yourself
while under my care.
And I was helpless to stop that notion
from controlling me.
I failed you, Susan, I'm sorry."Now it is all too late,
did he deserve my trust?
I don't know.
Sometimes a diagnosis, my dear,
is a Good Thing.
I had to find out on my own
the new doctor, who does not know
my trust in her eroded because the test did not show
and she feels she need not ask this man
for the expertise of his knowledge,
and in fact, he may still be ignorant
of who I really am.That the reality of my life exists outside myself
sometimes I'm not here inside me
I was ashamed when I did not know or understand
the depth of my joy, the depth of my despair
were vehicles to understanding my heritage.
My very, very special heritage.
Which may yet, in the end,
be my death knoll.Oh, my daughter.
My sweet, innocent, vibrating little
one. You've been my unfortunate soulmate
since your conception.
I love you most especially.
As my mother loved me.
But I, I shall be honest with you,
little one. For you need to know this
about yourself.
I love you, my daughter.
One day, you shall understand.
The honesty that was denied me in my life
will not cripple you, in yours.
poster:Susan47
thread:481020
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050321/msgs/481020.html