Posted by Susan47 on February 23, 2005, at 20:36:46
In reply to I Lied, Please Forgive Me., posted by Susan47 on February 3, 2005, at 18:16:17
I pounded away at your walls, my dear, because I wanted you to see and understand how genuine I am. All me.
And what I realized today, is this.
I don't have to hide behind an image of myself as ugly.
I can see myself as beautiful, too.
Because I have that. I know I do.
And I can appreciate and respect that.
I don't have to use it.
That's not where my credit lies.
And I'm not the most intelligent human being.
I'm not even what you'd call "smart".
But I try. I try really hard.
Oh, but I'm lazy. Very very lazy
And I've spent a lot of time hating that
about myself, and trying to change it,
and being unsuccessful. Because I think
to not be "lazy", I have to be in a state of
contentment... And I can't seem to do that,
I don't know why but it won't come...
perhaps I really don't want it to.
I pounded myself to a pulp trying to be genuine, with you. And you sat there, and you may have felt many things, and perhaps you even ignored me all along, but you were very, very silent. Did you lose all rights to have a voice, in your profession? Where do your opinions go? How honest are you allowed to be with anyone, really? How honest are any of us allowed to be? I've given myself so much freedom, and somehow it's been allowed, for me to be honest and get away with it. I got away with it. No one told me I was stupid, ignorant, or a lunatic.I'm very lucky. (Big hug me)
poster:Susan47
thread:452606
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20050211/msgs/462451.html