Posted by lydia on January 1, 2005, at 9:15:38
down by the ocean, you were so DISMAL. i was just standin' with shock on my face'a
what?
this is me writing as 2004 changes to 2005.if you have anything to say, i wanna hear it. if i dunt make sense tell me, if i make you nauseous tell me.
is this melodrama, trite selfish adolescent discontent? nooO she implores. this is mental anguish, albiet self inflicted but isnt that a rule of that kind of pain? well i wish i could say that this is selfworldhateconfusion at its bucking climax , but really, this is quite tame. i mean if you could imagine... you couldnt imagine could you.
lets say a person has this crippling, devestating problem but its only a problem SOMEtimes. not all times, not even most times. she shouldn't kill herself because she's ashamed of it, right? i mean i am serious. i'm wondering. and if certain people cannot understand and these certain people, unwittingly, make her feel like such crap,she should probly stay away from them right. even if she is devestatingly attatched to them too. maybe she just does better on her own. maybe she'll sit alone at coffee shops and in class, watch people interact and be real lonely but not half as lonely as she'd feel if she were with them cos being close to someone who cant realy know you is the lonliest thing of all.and maybe this is her curse and she should just f*cking deal, maybe she should do the things that make her feel semi-okay/. and sometimes shes deleriously happy. shes had problems with mania. and she really does love people, sometimes she'll do just about anything to reach out to people, and sometimes she feels this cosmic-relatedness with people too, you know , empathy like, a delerious amount. and everyone who knows her can never REALLY know her cos dude shes so f*cking moody and what do you MAKE of a person who is sitting mute and worried with tears in her eyes one day, not a word to say, except maybe "leave me alone." and who is the next day groping you cos she likes you so much and she wants to talk about everything, like, how pretty the sky is or some sh*t. what do you make of a person like that. People call her manipulating, cos she confuses this way. Some people just call her weird, some call her fascinating, some people call her brilliant, or eccentric, some call her a lazy f*ckup, a depressive shithead, some call her shy or guarded, selfish, somepeople call her "emotional", "of atristic temperment" ha, some call her hopeless and often people call her crazy. .. and usually she just sits there stunned at people's misconceptions of her, cos really, she's NOT a complicated person, she doesnt want sympathy not hatred not anything. she s nott manipulating. i mean she doesnt want to be. she just wants some kind of peace of mind. shes not REALLY crazy. i mean right.
but REALLY, you might think, whats her deal. you've never known anyone could be so super-sensitive. so you think maybe its "a weird act" and yeah, shes quite alienating this way. Hey...Maybe you should just uh, love her. Let her be. Maybe she could BE. possibly be great. possibly she is just too damn concerned about what you think, the girl has this f*cking complex, probably a result of making a fool of herself so many times, being ridiculed, probably she just regrets too much and doesnt want to make the same mistakes.
and she feels horrible for hurting the people she has.
She's Truely sorry.
do you know what the f*ck i am talking about?but probably by this point you've grown tired of trying to understand her, of hearing her bitch, so who f*cking cares. its unattractive, this self depricatory b*llshit, it brings you down. Sure, she can be really f*cking cool, shes PROBABLY a good person, but shes too draining, and she doesnt make any f*cking sense.
right.
do i ask for too much? i swear i will make sense one day.
pretty little girl. never would cry. she was the victim. of sweet suicide.like the worm. on a hook
i have tried*
in my way*
to be free*
like a baby still-born. i have torn everyone who has reached out to me. (lcohen, bird on a wire)
poster:lydia
thread:436305
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20041210/msgs/436305.html