Posted by Atticus on August 15, 2004, at 14:06:35
In reply to Re: poem ... Pulp, 1997, posted by Jai Narayan on August 15, 2004, at 11:46:00
I couldn't even begin to explain it until I was able to refill the Xanax prescription; cold-turkey benzo withdrawl is one of the most agonizing things I've ever experienced, and it produced the nightmare I describe here -- just the worst in my life. I don't think I would have even remembered the nightmare if I hadn't awoke to the sound of glass being swept up the next morning. When Alyssa told me I'd gotten up in the middle of the night and trashed the fishbowl and killed the fish, the dream came rushing back with stunning force, and I've never forgotten it. I did make a muddled attempt to explain what had provoked the incident, but the dream itself was so repulsive and gruesome that I think my description of it unnerved her more than my throwing the bowl; I had the definite feeling, watching her face as she listened, that she was thinking, "I can't handle being with someone who's this sick; it's worse than I ever imagined." Even I myself was pretty horrified that my mind could create such a thing, so it's not hard to guess that she was, too, and was probably wondering if there was worse to come (and unfortunately, there was). Abusing a combo of benzos and booze is a recipe for catastrophe. There was also this sense of dissociation -- that I was no longer part of the human race somehow. Given how tiny our studio apartment was, I don't know how she hung on even as long as she did. 1997 and 1998 were just the worst -- a very hard place for me to allow my head to go in order to write this poem. Or at least they were until this past spring, when I finally pulled the rip cord and tried to bail out. Strange days, indeed. Atticus
poster:Atticus
thread:377646
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/write/20040729/msgs/377947.html