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rambling narrative » Impermanence

Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 31, 2004, at 20:10:22

In reply to Re: Anybody here been to a rehab they liked?, posted by Impermanence on December 31, 2004, at 19:19:56

Well I won't try to be a big man (since I'm a woman). I was sober for...almost 7 years this time last year. Made it to February, two months shy of my anniversary. I felt like it was all for other people's benefit and I resented the fact that others could drink "with impugnity" and I couldn't. It was just supposed to be an experiment...to prove that I could play with all the big kids, the normal kids.

So, I've found that my tolerance is...frightening. It doesn't impress me any more, now that I don't have frat boys to embarrass.

I know how queer this sounds, but I hate the thought of my sister being worried about me--it makes me resent her so much that there aren't words to describe it. I can be anything but an object of pity. I'd almost like to keep drinking just to scare her, although I don't dare tell her that I'm drinking again in the first place.

Here's something amazing, though--I've hated the program since my mom got sober when I was 12, and suddenly I don't any more. I've been to some really good meetings in the last few months. I met some people who are actually worth emulating, even. I'd only ever seen the cesspool before, the bored and hungry people looking for newcomers to control (or date). Now I seem to be meeting quality people all the time. And my best friend has been sober for 8 1/2 years and never seems out of place around the "normal" folk. Jesus, she kicked heroin, which has to be one of the top three things people never walk away from. All of this really does give me some hope.


I'm just really scared to give it up for good. When I started drinking again, I wasn't depressed any more. I've been nutty depressed since I was about 9, and now I'm not. My skin has even cleared up--all the booze must be acting as some kind of disinfectant, I like to tell myself. But do I really want to live like a slave to this stuff? I hated the thought of having to rely on lithium for the rest of my life, but have I traded it in for wine? Looks like.

Here's to the new year, though. One of my customers told me that the moon is in Virgo and that's supposed to be really good for me. Hmmm... We'll see.

YBR


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poster:yellowbrickroad thread:435478
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041128/msgs/436164.html