Posted by yellowbrickroad on December 28, 2004, at 18:06:54
In reply to Thank you, posted by tanner257 on December 28, 2004, at 8:10:52
I would just like to add, regarding your assessment of your behavior (or self) as codependent...I hope you're not too quick to think of yourself as "sick" because you have such strong emotional bonds to your own child.
It's very hard to feel powerless, and to feel so strongly at the same time that we SHOULDN'T be powerless. I don't think our minds are geared to allow any of us (human beings) to accept defeat because, what is left if we do? Despair? Isn't it better to tell ourselves that we can find a solution (despite evidence to the contrary) than to give up? I think that, when we blame ourselves for things that are in fact beyond our control, or when we blame ourselves for having the "wrong" reactions, we are really trying very hard to regain control.
This is why people who are abused end up convincing themselves that they are at fault for the abuse--it's better to believe that you can do something to stop it than to think of yourself as something akin to a refugee with no safe place to go. It's the same for people with illnesses who become experts on the causes and therapies for their illness--they need to feel responsible for their health so that they don't feel like some doctor's lab rat. And it's the same for people who take care of someone who is ill or in trouble--it's just too awful to assume a passive role. We're not made to accept defeat. We're made to find solutions to problems and to help those we're close to.
Just see that you don't go through this alone. You need people to help share your burden, and you need people to help you keep a healthy perspective. You need people to check up on you and see that you're okay, too. You can't neglect yourself (or your bills, your need for sleep, your need for companionship as well as some solitude), or you won't be any good to anyone.
Last year I took care of a friend who was suicidally depressed. I fed him, I got him to the doctor, I talked to the doctor for him when he asked me to, I made him brush his teeth, I took him to the pharmacy to get his prescriptions filled. He asked me not to tell his other friends or his family because the shame would be too much and he would kill himself. He said not to take him to the hospital for the same reason. He said not to tell a soul, and that if I was his real friend, I would never let anyone find out the state he was in. So I went to see him every day, I never let my phone ring twice before answering it (in case he needed me), I went to his apartment every day to feed him and see that he was alive, and I told no one. I neglected my job, my home, my friendships, and myself in an effort to meet the impossible demands of a very sick man. Looking back on it, I think the right thing to do would have been to involve other people early on--there were many others in his life who would have helped him, and I had friends of my own who would have supported me.
This man is (thank God) alive and well today. However, he did try to kill himself twice before he got better. If he had succeeded, I would have blamed myself, and I would have had very little support because no one knew what was going on. If I had involved others, however, the burden for his welfare would not have been all mine. And, if he had killed himself, then his friends and family, my friends, and I would have all been around to support each other through that time TOGETHER.
I can't imagine telling anyone to give up on a child's welfare, but trying to save him all alone is a bad idea for sure. One person in trouble can drag anyone far, far down. If your son was a well man, if he were thinking clearly, that's not what he would want for you.
YBR
poster:yellowbrickroad
thread:433557
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20041128/msgs/435148.html