Posted by Caper on September 30, 2004, at 14:44:51
Hi everyone,
Some of you may remember me. To others- nice to "meet" you.
First I want to say congratulations to partlycloudy on not drinking. I read your post from earlier this month and was concerned with how down on yourself you seemed, so I was thrilled to find this one. (But I'll still love you even if you've "slipped" since then *smile*)
In that thread there was a mention of alcoholism and the relationship between eating disorders that I just had to address. I was severely anorexic and bulimic from 14 to 19. I know the prognosis for those illnesses is not generally good, but I never saw a therapist and just sort of gradually gave up those destructive behaviors on my own.
I wish I could say how, or what changed but I can't really. My best guess is I just got so sick of the hiding, lying, feeling miserable, destroying my health etc. that I sort of let go of it bit by bit. I'm no poster girl for psychiatric health by any means (!!!) but I think I just realized over time that the eating disorder behaviors weren't helping anything at all.
I'm hoping this will happen with alcohol too. I'm pretty sure lots will agree with me that the lying and hiding might be the worst part of alcoholism. It's made me a liar and a sneak and I hate that so much!
I believe both addictions are means of "stuffing". By that I mean stuffing our feelings down and having something else to concentrate on. Fixating on eating and purging, or not eating but pretending to so you don't alarm others, or focusing on how to get, hide, and consume alcohol and then destroy the "evidence" can take one's mind off of other feelings.
I was already recovering from the eating disorder when I went away to college- but I think that may be what really made the difference. Not that I moved 900 miles away, but that I was kept busy and didn't have so much time to dwell in my own head. With alcohol I know that what I'm seeking is oblivion- to think of anything other than what I should be doing, could have done, would do if given another chance. Thinking of how I used to be "the good girl" but have fallen so hard in the past two years makes me want to just shut off my brain- even knowing the consequences I'll face later.
Maybe giving up the "would have, could have, should have" is part of the key? I'm working on it.
Best to all.
Caper
poster:Caper
thread:397328
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/subs/20040722/msgs/397328.html