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Re: I don't know what is going on...

Posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:38:44

In reply to I don't know what is going on..., posted by alexandra_k on October 10, 2019, at 5:07:29

And in response to this there's the basic:

Noooooooo that's you not me!


I know YOU are - but what am I?

And stuff like that.

You are projecting young missy. You are projecting yourself onto the people around you. It is not them that seeks to control you it is you that seeks to control them.

It is not them that is borderline. It is you!

And so on...

And now I know:

Where does the money go? Who has the money? Who has the resources? Who is talking (down to) who from a position of power?

I remember:

Blessed be those who have the power to hurt...


Who do none.

It is they that shall inherit the earth.

People with power do not see power as responsibility.

I do not know what is going on when it is at the level of VC.

I want to respect the VC.

I remember what the University meant to me. What it represented.

That went away when I saw how people were bullied in Australia.

That people were bullied like that. That an end wasn't put to it.

That many students (I dare say the majority of the non-Australian students) were bullied out of completing their PhDs...

And I thought... And what's it all for then, anyway, and what's the point?

And I see now that the idea. The ideal. Was to work at a University where kids got to go there only if they were very bright or if their parents loved them enough to pay for them to go to a very good school. To work helping kids that people love. Because it's too heartbreaking working with vulnerable people when their 'keepers' or 'minders' are only interested in exploiting them to further their own ends at their expense.

I fear... I fear that NZ has decided to traffic in that when it comes to educating the kids of the world. The University Residential Halls have the feeling of prison camps. Detention facilities. That's what they are...

But they are public schools. And they are the schools that the senior officials send their kids to. All the money they make out of the private sector they aren't often paying for their kids to study overseas...

So we have private residential halls...

Or their parents just buy up the rental properties and after private residential hall they are matched to 'like minded' peers for the remainder...



I keep thinking that there is some 'in'. That at some point someone will explain that what is happening with me at Waikato with respect to my thesis is not really their being corrupt at all... Rather it's... I don't know... The strategy for getting my supervisor the help she needs. I don't know...

An elaborate test to see if I can be forced to become corrupt like them?

Do they really think I'll forward a fraudulent transcript to Auckland?

I don't think they can be said to be testing me...

Maybe that is what they think they are doing. To live with themselves I mean...

Maybe they just will pay me out. Because they think I will not deal with how things are in the hospitals.

How there is no privacy and f*ck ups and mistakes and so on happening all over the place all the time I mean. I suppose. That's what makes the most sense...

They just will not listen to me.

Or let me help.

They have all the money. All the power.

And it really is just the level of 'I know you are and what am I'

From the academics and intellectuals.

And many of them...

Do send their kids to the local schools.

I guess... They are happy with their kids living in their basements indefinately...

They are rich. I guess.


I do not make them feel good about themselves.

They are living their dream. In their own bubble world.

Too much teaching to research... Teaching teaching teaching...

Trauma bonding about how stupid the students are and how they can't make it any easier and about how they make it a bit random to get the curve... The open and honest discussions in the tea room... How it all goes down...

There is an obliviousness...

Just have to get away.

But again with listening to people...

I am the age I am...

I have worked with my life.

I have tried to.

People refuse to acknowledge the work that I do.

I do think there comes a point where you just have to go. Like... I did my time.

Time to let me go.

I have spent most of my life wishing I had never been born because I do not have the basic things that I need.

When is it my time to enjoy my life? To do the things I want to do with it?

I hear these awful people saying 'welcome to my life I feel like that all the time and that is why I have the right to inflict that on you'

Come again?

I do not do these things to other people...

I am not like you...

Why can't they just do their job and sign me off already.

They have other students.

Why don't they worry about whether the students who aren't in their tutorials are okay? Maybe give them a house call.





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