Posted by alexandra_k on September 28, 2015, at 16:33:50
In reply to Re: better-ish, posted by alexandra_k on September 15, 2015, at 23:33:17
weird thing happened at the boundary of waking and imagining.
i sit up the front to one side in class which makes me salient. yes. not imaginary. they run the lecture in 2 streams and once before i went to both (to hear the lecture again) and the lecturer noticed me and called me out on it 'weren't you here this morning?' 'yes... but there are empty seats!' part of the salience is because i'm older and i try and sit by myself (or with a free seat to the sides of me) whereas last semester particularly the 18 year olds sort of huddled together in clumps and avoided the first few rows like the plague.
anyway... i thought i saw one of my very early psychologists there before class. sort of pottering about before lecture started with the lecturer. i remember her name. i think she was the very first psychologist i had when i went to hospital for the first time. i don't have notes for that period. something happened and they told me they lost my very first / earliest file. so i don't have anything from then. pretty hazy... i just remember i said to her (after i saw her a couple times) that i didn't feel like we were really doing anything together... didn't she have hard questions or something for me to try and get at what was wrong... and she said that the idea was to get me stable so i could get out of hospital. that i was too fragile for anything else.
i just remember that. that i really wanted to talk to her... that i wanted to let her know what was wrong. what was wrong, really. but she... didn't seem to think that that would be a good idea.but maybe i misremember.
anyhow... there she was. pretty sure. and i recognised her. and they (her and the lecturer) noticed me recognise her.
and that was all.
i was a bit like 'oh noes'. like i'd been caught with my hand in the cookie jar.
i suppose i forget how close where i was really is... the psychologist who terminated me... i had a look... she's the head psychologist there, now. a lot of the people are still the same...
anyway... my very first hospitalisation... happened the start of my second year. i did really well in my first year and then lots of pressure to do well in my second and i fell apart after the first lot of tests (turns out i did well in them). of course there was a lot more going on.... my relationship at the time... that was what it was really about. because i wanted out of that. but because i also wanted to succeed. because i didn't know whether i could succeed as well as that without her. anyway... i did well in that first medsci test. yay. finally. so now... time will tell, i suppose.
it is possible that i can apply after one full time year. Otherwise I'll need to take two more years to finish BSc.
I'm pretty sure now that what I mostly want to do is anatomy. Physiology... Not so much. Too mathsy / engineering. I like the anatomy more. And the qualitative story about what happens. Cells are pretty cool as well. The different types and how they migrate about... Anyway... We don't do an anatomy degree... I asked about that.. Apparently it is because they are expensive. Need to do medicine to do anatomy. Or histology, even. Expensive... I do really want to do it. I guess maybe they just need some more time to see that I'll likely stay stable enough to get through the degree. And maybe they are a bit curious about my actual motivation etc (I suppose around the time I started my PhD I was sort of thinking to do psychiatry -- probably for wrong reasons).
Anyway... Not sure what I'm saying. Was odd. To see her.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:1076978
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20150604/msgs/1082990.html