Posted by Fivefires on February 29, 2008, at 18:13:25
In reply to Re: I want to die *trigger*, posted by Phillipa on February 21, 2008, at 21:47:36
In my thoughts before bed last night everything 'came to a head' Phillipa, and all.
I spent the day calling every facility in this metro which allows smoking and, you guessed it, there were no beds. One even said they'd not had a bed for 3yrs. Did I tell you already made a call to the *heriff's office and left a message re: this? Prob' should have called mayo* or go*ernor, both here. This is not a good thing, an embarrassment for this coun*ry.
Part of my intent re: being inpatient was to get a fresh assessment and maybe try an AD or combo while inpatient where I could be supported.
But, the deal here is, you must relay you are not just feeling suicidal, but you are, and you have a plan.
I was nearly ready to tell a little white lie, but no beds is no beds.
Yes Phillipa, I most likely am 'very depressed'. You might all realize I don't like to be labeled w/ this generalization. One AD had been successful in past; maybe it could be again but several trys in last three years very bad and can only speculate why.
It's partly my fault current pdoc does not realize the depth of my depression. My fear of a repeat 'CNS breakdown' (I'm making up my own words now.) had to be addressed first, as had it not been caught and stopped by Valium, I'd be doing more than lying in my corner; I'd be sitting in it drooling bread crumbs!
W/o taking away from my anxiety support, I will re-approach a focus on my depression (Did I mention don't like this word?) @ exit appt current pdoc and of course w/ new pdoc. Maybe there is a cocktail (Don't like that word much either.) which would work. I've only ever been on monotherapy. I do take Provigi* but only as needed and I'm thinking my body isn't liking this coming and going of this med. Maybe a steady level of it should be in my body at all times.
Did someone say it had been approved for further mental health dxs or did I just dream this? I'm getting it only beca*se samples are available. Is this where I get dopamine?
So yes, I am open to try something again, once moved and somewhat situated. It would be best if I had someone w/ me for support through trials, but what's a wild and crazy girl gonna' do?
D*ughter and husband are being very supportive (phone conversations), awa other children, in their limited ways; all very busy. Two of three work in the town to which I am moving.
Last night, text'd my daughter - scared alone, sad love lost, money probs', feel burden but not know how change, *cannot end life; not my call*, fear and sadness = poor health and question ability to move. Ended saying, need talk.
She called me and offered reassurance and understanding. She even spoke of things I will actually be doing for them by making his move.
Just faxed no*ice to va*ate last day of next month. Feels like some weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Decision made and moving forward.
The most important thing I've come to truly believe lately is that ending my life is not my call. I can't explain it, but it seems like I finally see this is something *I have to believe*. I suspect the consequences would be much worse than my life now.
I'm definitely in a bleak, dark place, and have pretty much bottomed-out here, going further and further down since my father passed away 4yrs ago.
I retract any negatives I've spoken re: my T and say 'a good one'. Gave me some pointers: Seek therapist well-versed in PTSD and grief, don't try employment until maybe Fall, ICM no good w/ illicit drug habit and priorities himself & others who aren't me, get out or even walk to 'drum night' or 'gallery night' or free events blks away, don't be too forthcoming w/ personal info when meet new peeps as not their business what I do for a living or why there, simply be friendly but w/ boundaries.
I'm trying to convey my thoughts/plans here and apologize if garbled or out of order. I owe you all so much. I'm not ez to put up with, but I have a feeling you all understand it is not my intention to ever play games here.
Oh, a thought became clear - as there have been wonderful times which lasted years in my life, so too are, I guess, these dark times which may last years as well. I cannot know the dark times won't leave or lessen, as did the good. I think *I have to believe* they most likely will.
Most diff' will be not reaching out for ICM, really only friend (I know.) in every way, and dealing w/ my dislike of being alone, so an empathetic therapist would help, one who understands these issues I've not processed. Maybe I'll come to point where can post something substantial about this on relationships board. (Did someone just say 'Oh no!'?)
I'll slowly begin packing, talk to ICM (haven't seen in weeks, no commitment after 13yrs, puts he and others b4 me, can't depend upon, clock ticking) about my need to begin again on my own, have good exit appt w/ pdoc mentioning need seek help w/ depression now that anxiety under control (chart will follow me), keep seeing PCP who has ordered another MRI, and most importantly allow myself to feel bad if need but not freak out about it as tho' it is not valid.
I couldn't have gotten this far w/o you all here, right here w/ me. No words big enuf' for the support you've afforded me. Ok. Enuf' of the blubber huh?)
I've still not read all followups, but certainly will. Appreciate you let me know if I've not addressed something important or if you see I am 'fooling myself' or 'not realizing my own limitations'; constructive criticism accepted.
verymuchappreciateuall, 5f
poster:Fivefires
thread:813926
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20080215/msgs/815420.html