Posted by Existentialist on September 19, 2007, at 14:12:47
In reply to Loosing my sanity., posted by Existentialist on August 31, 2007, at 19:56:57
just a followup here. I was pretty agitated when I wrote that stuff, sort of up in my issue of being cold and clinical towards the world. The past two weeks have been nuts, and I came back and I read the responses just a few days ago, you guys are dead on about depersonalization. PGs of "The divided self" 42-46 describe me exactly.
"One is threatened with the possibility of becoming no more than a thing in the world of the other, without any life for oneself, without any being for oneself. In terms of such anxiety, the very act of experiencing the other as a person is felt as virtually suicidal."
This has probably been going for me for greater and lesser extents my whole life. Even the way I approach people online, I still fear giving people the credibility of 'being real'.
I've spent the past 2 and half years basically living my life on the basis of a sort of neurosis of self perfection and seeking immunity from the world through perfecting some sort of strange hardcore social engineering and detatchment from the world. I'd write my thoughts on the need to "Be in perfect control and fake everything" and it worked to an extent until really flying apart and me becomming basically completely dysfunctional by 22.
Even just two days ago I can't make it to a class discussion because I'm so torn with forcing myself to go, and being petrified of being seen, because I get in this mood where I feel I've lost control and can't go in and fake it today, and that terrified me, to actually possibly be seen. So I just sat in my towel after getting out of the shower playing video games to feel safe. And I'm 22, and for a long time thinking how much more helpless I've become since I was 18, actually going backwards in my life.
poster:Existentialist
thread:780069
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070827/msgs/783940.html