Posted by Enigma on July 29, 2007, at 9:30:37
Long story short:
Last job : Software Engineer
Basically "forced" out due to my severe depression - I wasn't able to "get better" by their imposed sick leave deadline, so, out of a job and on disability now. Currently undergoing ECT for the 2nd time (2nd round, different hospital, different doctor)...Main subject here - losing friends due to your illness or loss of job (out of sight, out of mind - pathetic, especially for grown adults, but very true, so I've found out, time and time again...).
I had *many* friends at my last job, or so I had thought them to be. I was in a very social group, one that went to lunch together every day, would have a few drinks either at lunch or after work, etc.
Well, after I left, almost all communication FROM these "friends" stopped. I was doing all the work to try and keep in touch with them and try to get together. After a while, I became VERY sick of having to "try" so hard to remain friends with these people, that I eventually game up.
I asked why they never kept in touch, and was given standard "bozo" responses like "I've been busy", or other unrealistic garbage, or given NO reason at all. Usually I'd get apologies from them for (them) not keeping in touch. e.g. NO ONE is too busy to send a 3 line email to one of their friends, or text message, or phone call.
The tip of the iceberg was when my father died of cancer. I told one person there to spread the word for me, which he eventually did. Guess how many emails I got offering condolences and such? One. Yes, one. Out of around 10-15+ people I've known for 3+ years. Only one could take the time to email me.
About a month ago, longer for some, I totally broke off all communication as a test. Well, they failed, just like I predicted. Not one email, text message, voice-mail, etc. Nothing. It's like I no longer exist to them simple because they aren't "forced", by employment, to physically "see" me every day.
When we did hang out, I was the one who was THERE for them, helping them with their divorces, driving them home when they had too much to drink, letting them crash at my house, etc. I was also the life of the party, and was told that several times. I was the one that brought all the "girls" to our table, made friends the people that worked there, etc, etc. I gave them NO reasons not to WANT me to be with them. NONE. I was VERY careful about analyzing and scrutinizing this.
I never complained about my depression, or even brought it up. I was very careful to *always* let everyone talk (I can be hypo-manic and a motor mouth), I always went wherever "they" wanted to go, and was always "available" - never leaving early, never turning them down to go out (not like they ever invited me, I had to do that myself).
So, I basically HATE these selfish jerks now. I guess I've felt that way for a while, but I've given up trying. I don't believe one friend should do all the work to keep a friendship alive. That's NOT a friendship. So, now I'm pathetically lonely, and even more depressed, but at least I'm not angry all the time at them for constantly letting me down. Perfect example would be how they would make plans with me, then constantly break them, or, I'd be ready for a night out, and they would leave after one beer, basically wasting my time even driving to meet them. Also, there's the "we'll get together next week".. and next week never, ever, came... I heard this promise so many times, I've lost count.
Out of sight out of mind. I can't believe grown adults would suffer from such a moronic adage, but it's the only explanation I can come up with. I changed jobs a lot over the years and "seemed" to have good friends and each job. Guess what happened when either I, and/or one of them left that job? The friendship ended too. It was just too much effort for them to keep in touch which is laughable considering how EASY it is to keep in tough in this day and age (all of us have cell phones, email, IM, etc).
Luckily I'm married, and have children, and there's my wife's family that I see occasionally, but still, this doesn't come close to meeting my social/friendship needs.Also, before anyone goes and thinks it was my fault for some reason or another, know that *everyone* in my wife's family loves me, enjoys my company, and the same used to go for these "friends". I thought long and hard about what I might have done wrong, but there's nothing. My wife backs me up here. My family (wife's family), always expresses their sadness when I can't make it to a gathering (usually because of my depression), etc.
A couple of other people have left the company as well, and guess what? No one keeps in touch with them either.
What's with people? Don't people WANT to have friends? Don't people want to expend *some* effort to keep them? Hell, don't people even care? I don't even get emails asking how I'm doing, and they ALL know about my depression and how bad it is. Also, aren't they even curious??? If I've lost the house - due to losing the income from my job, how my wife and kids are, etc, etc.
I guess I'll never understand most people. I'm ridiculously unselfish and caring. So, I can't relate one bit to these peoples' behavior. Worse yet, I'm the one who is suffering without people to hang around with, talk to, heaven forbid get support from, etc. I'm pretty much trapped at home all the time. I'm usually too depressed to go out anywhere, especially by myself. Drinking alone doesn't work well for depressed people... you just end up feeling worse, wondering why no one will lift a finger to be there for you, and watching others surrounded by friends kills you.
Has anyone else has this experience?
What am I supposed to do to find GOOD friends? Where the hell would I even look?
poster:Enigma
thread:772685
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070707/msgs/772685.html