Posted by Clockwork Ange on January 30, 2007, at 13:57:15
In reply to i am underwhelmed *guilt trigger*, posted by karen_kay on January 29, 2007, at 20:53:53
> yes, i was gone. i know, i know. you like to see me go, but you love to see me walk away.
>
> well, i must say, for the first time in the last hundred years, i had SERIOUS self-esteem issues. never in a zillion years would i thought it possible.
>
> now, i started my new meds. and mr kk and i went through some really hard times (but came out perfect!!!!). the boy was teething (and gave me my first momma kiss!).
>
> and i felt horrible. and i felt so ugly inside. and worthless. and that all i did was hurt everyone. and that everything i touched turned to poopie (you're welcome mister bob). and everything i heard was taken the wrong way. and everythign i said was taken the wrong way. and spoken the wrong way. and sounded snide. and sarcastic. and mean. and hateful. and that's all i heard.
>
> and i cried. (and yes, this is all about me. notice the 'i's'?) and i screamed. and everyone around me did too. and i didn't blame them. but i screamed louder. or i cried louder. or a combination of both.
>
> and the meds made me not able to communicate properly. and that, to me, is my one talent. my only talent. if that. to say 'phone' when one means 'lamp' does not make for a funny or clever story. there's nothing sarcastic about drooling and saying 'ummmm, your mom' 15 minutes after a long silence. and there's especially nothing strong about crying when explaining that 'i'm having one of those days when i just cry at snide comments so don't snap at me, ok? and i know it sucks because on those day s i snap too.' to be answered 'aren't those days everyday?' this from my sister who cries when i ask ehr to remember to let the dishwater out. so, she tries to make a joke, makes me cry, then she cries, that makes me feel even worse and i cry.
>
> this week sucked.
>
> but, i have never been cuter either :) i've worn pigtails all week long (hey dinah, are we twins tonight?). i've started doing my eye makeup differently and discovered the joy of filling in brows (boy, do they bring out my brown eyes.). i'm keeping my hair long, instead fo chopping it as i normally do.
>
> my mother laughed at my style of clothing and i replied 'laugh when i'm sending you the zillion dollar checks when i'm a fashion designer.' i have a feeling she'll still laugh. she's just not hip man.
>
> mr kk and i talked and fought and talked. i feel like our relationship is the best it's ever been. EVER! even when i was crazy! i think sometimes i forget (and i'm so very stupid to) how very much this man loves me. and i think he forgets how very much pressure that puts on me. i always use to wonder if people love me, or an idea of 'me'. i wondered that of him as well. i don't question that any longer. (but, it could be how very gorgeous i am too :) that's very understandable though.
>
> ok, ok, enough of my drivel. i wrote a poem today (ha ha mister bob. just where would you redirect this one? hmmmmm, relationship? writing? your own personal files? yes, i think that's it) to stick in mr kk's lunch (yes, i'm a decent wife. i write him notes for lunch almost everyday). here goes....
>
> roses are red
> violets are blue
> i love kk
> and so do you
>
> i think it's brilliant. i'm certain he does too.
>
> so, what did everyone else do this weekend? huh? other than completely forget about me? (enough of the guilt trip, huh?) and yes, i did feel abandonded on top of everything else
>
> (((kk))))
>
> oh, except a select few. not to mention names or anything
> gabbi
> cs
> auntie mel
> muff (is your name civil or what?)
> mister bob (you know what you did cowboy :)
> (((chatters))))
> seeing duckie in chat!!!!!
> kid for welcoming me back too (but nothing about me being gone? i'm hurt, accused, put down, old, blind, deaf and dumb and it's all your fault!)
>
> but, thank you guys so much for listening (reading, or not reading, doesn't matter), even through your own stuff. and you mister bob, those scrambled eggs were fantastic. they provided great leverage.
>
> and everyone who posted on admin. fayeroe, you know you're my first bride choice (sorry alex :(
> and i miss you ad. good lord woman, get in touch with me for crying out loud! at least pick up the phone and hang up on me or something!!!!
>
> and bobby, thank you for being bobby. i just like you. and i missed declan a whole lot. i missed a bunch of you guys. can you tell i'm lonely? :(
>
>
> not trying to make everyone else feel accused or put down and thanks everyone for the support, it's jsut been really rough since starting my new meds. i cry over spilt milk even :(
>
> there, i think i said all i needed to say! but, i reserve the right to add more at any time.I'm so glad you are back! I'm so I wasn't in touch (the guilt is killing me... oh great, now I have a guilt migraine... gah)
How are you today?
poster:Clockwork Ange
thread:727914
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20070130/msgs/728124.html