Posted by Kath on May 23, 2006, at 20:02:57
In reply to Re: Can't detach from 22yr old son's stupid choices... » Kath, posted by Jay on May 22, 2006, at 21:34:52
Answering between ******marks********* through your post:
> Hi Kath...
>
> Well geezz I am not even a parent and I can feel the stress through the monitor screen!..heh.
>
> I am 36, and my parents still flip out on me if I ever tell them anything drastic that is going on in my life. But, I have a young nephew who is in a similar situation as your son, and his Mom, my sister, is having the same problems you are.
>
> I don't, unfortunately, have a lot of answers. It seems that time makes it's way with these things. It creates a ton of anxiety for you as a parent, though, I realize. Maybe, if you can, put a bit of perspective on it, and think it is just a "phase". That's what I do when I have medication problems. I just think "It won't always be like this...it won't always be like this.." Easier said then done, I know.
************"It won't always be like this" - It's going onto the paper that I've written help-me-through-this things - 1 in my purse; 1 beside my bed; 1 on my coffee table!!*******> Maybe you also need something to address your anxiety med wise. Something stronger then you are taking now. If you have BPII issues, clonazepam is an excellent med (anti-anxiety and mood stabalizer) you should be taking *right now*. I've been taking it daily with my "cocktail" for many years, and it really, really works at keeping that anxiety at check.
*****I'll keep it in mind. Since I realized the related "Mom's illness & death" helplessness & grief, I haven't been feeling as anxious. I actually have been using Valerian over the last week & a half. Sometimes it worked; sometimes it
didn't. Mostly today I was just feeling really DOWN. BUT - after starting to read a book on codependency I started feeling a bit better - as if there might be hope. Years ago - 2000 actually - I started going to CoDependents Anonymous & it totally changed the way I looked at things. That group stopped a couple of years ago, so that's not an option. But I do have this book & a workbook that goes with it. I realize the my son is my 'drug' in a way - focussing on him....believing that if he gets HIS life in order, I'll feel OK & believing that I need to do whatEVER to 'help him'.****
> Don't lose yourself, or forget about yourself and your needs in all of this. The only way you can help your son is if you are really healthy.********that's what I have been doing - losing myself. Losing interest in things that generally interest me; totally focussing on my son. Sometimes I describe it as this: in the same way a compass needle points to North, my compass needle swings to my son. This, to me, seems like codependent behaviour & I want to change it.
Thanks for your support! :-) Kath*********
>
> Take care...and best...
> Jay
>
> > (I posted this last nite on the Parents board - no answers yet & I really need support right now. I think we can't post the same thing on 2 boards so maybe whoever checks this stuff can erase it from Parents board if necessary)
> >
> > Actually - it's the results for HIM of his unwise life choices that I find it hard to let go of....if I'm coming from a more intellectual level.
> >
> > - why can't he learn from his mistakes?
> > - why can't he see that he's ruining his life?
> > - how could I have failed so amazingly at being a parent?
> > - how can I extricate myself from this 'enmeshment' with him?
> >
> > I first joined PB in 2000 when I had started taking Celexa for anxiety due to my son's behaviour. He was around 16 at that point.
> > I've been off meds since about October. I've been doing reasonably well since then until his announcement a couple of weeks ago that he felt like simply walking away from everything with just the clothes on his back...
> >
> > Here he is 22 & STILL using drugs; STILL partying; STILL awake all nite & asleep all day; STILL NOT WANTING to WORK;
> >
> > The big difference is that he & his girlfriend have their own place. THAT is a MAJOR thing that's different.
> >
> > (Excuse all the upper-case letters; I just feel really exasperated)
> >
> > For several months he's had no job. His girlfriend works a couple of days a week. 2 weeks ago their gas was turned of because they have a $800. bill they haven't paid. Their April rent cheque hasn't been cashed yet, but they are expecting it'll bounce.
> >
> > I find it SOOOOOOOOOOOOO hard to detach....to not worry about the "natural consequences" that might happen.
> >
> > Why can't I just let go????? Instead of not thinking about him, it's as if his situation is in the back of my mind all the time. When I asked him how the 'job search' was going & mentioned to him a couple of local places that are hiring he said something like: "I feel like you & Dad are pressuring me to find a job - it's like when I lived at home; I might as well be living at home."
> >
> > I hate the thought of them having the stress of their rent-cheque bouncing. My mind does things like "oh jeez - then they'll be given their notice & will have nowhere to put all their belongings & will lose all their belongings" etc etc.
> >
> > What is wrong with me? I wish I could just DETACH.
> >
> > Has anyone had this type of thing to deal with? I feel so alone. So very alone in this.
> >
> > Any feedback is MOST welcome.
> >
> > Kath
> >
> > PS - I'm adding this as I move this to Social. It's rainy (not nice weather for the PB-ers who are in Toronto (I'm an hour North). It was actually Hailing!!!
> >
> > I'm still feeling alone. I can talk to my husband about it & he's supportive, but just doesn't get as emotionally involved as I do. I feel sad & lonely.
> >
> > Kath
>
>
poster:Kath
thread:646542
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060521/msgs/647521.html