Posted by Racer on May 13, 2006, at 11:02:53
In reply to What's behind the question, posted by jammerlich on May 13, 2006, at 8:37:54
> Is that I think my husband is gay. And I have for the better part of our 11 year marriage.
>
> I already don't trust him very much and the fact that his first inclination was to lie makes me trust him even less.
>
> I feel so foolish, thinking of myself as the woman who potentially married the gay man.
>I realize that this subject is very upsetting to you, but you know what? Even if he was gay, don't you think the distrust is a much bigger problem for your marriage?
What makes me really sad, though, is that it sounds as though you and your husband have begun to feel that you have to hide from one another. He's hiding the screen, you're hiding your suspicions.
What if he was looking for a birthday surprise for you, and didnt' want you to see? What if it was heterosexual hardcore? What if he was drooling over Porsches? (OK, the last one is my husband, who has to sell the one he has before he can buy another.) What if he was IMing with a woman he wants to have an affair with? What if he was checking out what would be involved in marriage counseling? Or looking for a divorce attorney? There are all sorts of other reasons for him to hide his computer screen -- some innocent, some not so -- that have nothing to do with being gay.
If your husband was gay, what would be the consequences? What would change in your marriage? Would you love him less? Or would you only have to adjust your image of him, and then continue to love him? I guess I think that you might want to look at some other aspects of your marriage, and decide where the priorities are. Wondering if he's gay is never going to change, unless he goes off with another man. You can't prove a negative, so he can never prove that he isn't.
For reference, my mother was married to a gay man -- my father -- and their marriage ended for reasons having nothing at all to do with the fact that he was gay. He finally admitted it to me at teh end of his life, although he still swore he was straight, it's just that my mother was the only woman he'd ever been involved with. That does color my reaction to reading this.
poster:Racer
thread:643244
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060513/msgs/643442.html