Posted by alesta on March 22, 2006, at 10:29:58
do you ever feel like you pissed ppl off and aren't sure why?
i am totally alone right now, here and irl. my bf doesn't even spend time with me. (oh, except for sex of course.:/) i finally stopped crying over it. (i just cry on the inside.) yet he wants to marry me and have kids with me. i know in his own way he loves me. but neglect and abuse have become the bane of my existence. and pain...always...manifesting in several forms simultaneously.
i know i'm being abused, but it's hard to really absorb that fact...i think i'm the queen of denial. i am isolating, and turn down ppl's offers to do things/talk. i no longer have any friends. i suppose i want to be alone, yet...i don't want to be rejected.
i really am alone. does anyone care? at all? i'm going to go cry now...sorry...i am pretty depressed...and when i get depressed it always seems to snowball..this post is probably going to make it worse. i don't want ppl to feel like the *have* to try and make me feel better.
i will never give up, but...this life has been a freakin nightmare. i'm not claiming to have had it the worst, but jeez, short of physical pain, it sure does *feel* like it. is it ok to say that without offending ppl? it is difficult for me not to be bitter and hate the world. but i make attempting to love ppl a priority...i have to.
i think i feel a bit better. sorry if this was too heavy...i have a bad habit of communicating everything to you ppl. maybe this is not a good thing? i normally do try not to think of this stuff, but we all have our moments...i'm sorry for the negativity.
and why are some ppl not meant to be loved?
amy
p.s. i used to self-harm about 8 years ago (from my teens to my early to mid twenties), and i saw this show last week journaling this girl's self-harming behavior. i finally made the connection between that and sexual abuse..and i just haven't felt the same lately since watching that program...i guess i was 'triggered' or something, cause all those particular negative feelings came back. i'm trying to reset my mind back away from that mindset. man..i usually delete posts like this instead of actually posting em.
p.p.s. i don't know if posting like this is helping or hurting. yeesh. kinda embarrassing
poster:alesta
thread:623328
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20060318/msgs/623328.html