Posted by zeugma on December 20, 2005, at 15:51:33
Functioning and living. Until fairly recently i could do neither. Now I suppose I function (or did, until this week and the week before) but it feels like it is taking too great a toll on me. I don't really see it as a choice because living is not a state natural to myself either (well a form of living yes, not one i felt had much to differentiate it from a dream state, which was and is the problem...). anyway i feel like i am breaking down.i function as best i can. but it is an artificial form of functioning (lots of stimulants, lots of antidepressants, which i need, but still they take their toll on me). but the feeling of non-living, when combined w/ total non-functioning, felt more congruent in its awful way than some combination of non-living w/ actual functioning.
things were never congruent. but at least unilateral in their awfulness. and non-living leads pretty quickly to non-functioning anyway, which i see happening now (i.e. experiencing problems on the job).
what happens when life is at its most minimal (i.e. no job, no self-worth, nothing) is that a pure survival instinct kicks in. what made me well enough to function thus far is the survival instinct, the fear that i had reached the bottom point and if i went any further down i would be dead. functioning better has taken this fear away, but it feels like the survival instinct (perpetual fear) was the engine that has gotten me this far, and that when it relaxes, everything starts to fall apart.
maybe this is a sign that i'm becoming terrified again, and will pull myself together. but maybe not. i actually felt complacent last night (bought a new lamp, assorted other possessions for my apt. which is in dire shape- survival instinct relaxed- couldn't wake up the next morning. so it goes. what wakes me up is terror at losing the little i have. should i maintain that terrified state deliberately, so as to function? well i've been doing that until very recently.)
maybe survival instinct is kicking in. or maybe instead of buying furniture, i should have added to my alarm clock collection.
-z
poster:zeugma
thread:590717
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20051215/msgs/590717.html