Posted by damos on April 14, 2005, at 22:06:24
In reply to Re: Susan GET ON THAT PLANE QUICK!!!, posted by Susan47 on April 14, 2005, at 21:17:33
How did I wind up revealing all this, I can't believe it. Susan I wish I knew how to explain it, just not sure I can.
On one level there is the fact that I have no concept/understanding/whatever of the physical expression of emotion. Never ever saw my parents hug or kiss and can't remember ever being hugged or kissed by them. Come to think of it, a wacking was about it in terms of physical contact - I'm not talking abuse type wacking though, just your normal naughty kid stuff. Sh*t I can't even remember them expressing affection verbally. I'm getting better I don't actually cringe and pull away now if someone touches me, so that's gotta be good - doesn't it? G*d, I can even remember a girl asking me if I was ever gonna make a 'pass' at her. Sh*t. Never done it to this day, they've always had to start anything.
On another level there's the whole sex thing. Struth Susan I should be paying you a fortune for this. All I can tell you is that there has always been this crushing absence of something I know should be there, desperately want it to be there to share it with this other person, but never has been and it hurts like hell. I have only ever been with 4 women and have loved each of them so very dearly. But there has always been this presence, a presence of something absent if that makes sense. And it's me, I'm not there, I'm missing something important and essential and I really try I do, with every fibre of my being - so I push them away because they deserve better than that or they drift away cause I'm so tied in nots and too much like hard work. And I honestly don't know why I'm telling you this cause I'm shakin' like a leaf and my heart's in my mouth and I can't breathe. Whooooooo. In and of itself it's not that important to me, but that something that it can be a beautiful part of and expression of is, and I'd give anything to know that feeling just once. Enough, enough, enough for now.
poster:damos
thread:482887
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050408/msgs/484444.html