Posted by sunny10 on March 26, 2005, at 1:13:22
In reply to Re: Hey, Suze..., posted by Susan47 on March 25, 2005, at 22:48:12
my sister-on-law called me and told me that my stepmother had called and said that he was taken to the emergency room after another fall in the bathroom. As was usual, she had called my brother and her two daughters, but didn't call me. It has been this way for years. She thinks I didn't care about my father; what I didn't care for was how completely ignored I've always been in this way. When people don't treat me with respect, I am hard pressed to treat them with any, either. Whether they liked it or not, I turned out exactly how I was raised. Why would they have expected something different? But I digress (mostly to explain why I am just shellshocked, I guess. I had made arrangements for my sister-in-law to get my stepmother out of the house tomorrow morning so I could visit with my dad in peace.)...and then this call.
The ambulance medics found his bloodpressure was dangerously low and his bowels were impacted. When he got to the hospital, his heart stopped. It's a little confusing now whether it stopped and started and then stopped for good, or whether it just stopped once and they couldn't bring him back. He had a no intrusion DNR so they couldn't intubate, but we all know that he had been ready to die some months ago. I would have hated them if they brought him back that way.
But all of this happened by the time we got to the emergency room and they didn't warn us before they walked us into the room. They asked if we were there to see my stepmother, which in retrospect should have been a clue, I guess. But I was completely unprepared. No, Suze, his mouth was still dropped open in a moan of pain. It was horrible. I can't sleep now, because that's all I can see when I close my eyes.
Call me a baby, but my own father is the first person that I've ever seen before the undertakers make them look "at peace". There was nothing peaceful about his face at all. I wanted to slap the nurses for not easing his mouth shut, you know, like they close the eyes? But his eyes were already closed in pain when he died. The stress creases were still in his eyelids.
I don't think I can even start to mourn until I can get over the shock of seeing him that way.
I tried to watch a movie on tv- hoping to replace that image, but even during the commercials, my mind brought it back. I just want to sleep.
I was in such shock that I didn't even lean to my SO for a hug when I got back, so I guess that's why he didn't give one... He has to work tomorrow, so he is sleeping. I told him to go to sleep. I tried to go to sleep WITH him, but every time I close my eyes, I see that shrunken skin and bones creature who died in pain. It's hard for me to believe that they didn't give him anything to dull the pain.
I know that it's overly dramatic to say, but I feel haunted by that face. I know that death is the logical end to life, and I even know he was ready to go, but no one had told me that he was in such pain for the last few days. I know that I couldn't have done anything about it, but I would have been a little more prepared for what I had to see tonight. We weren't even asked whether we wanted to see him that way. I would have preferred to have a much nicer memory of my father. Maybe I'm behaving like a child... I'm just so overwhelmed by everything just now...
poster:sunny10
thread:475651
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20050316/msgs/475698.html