Posted by partlycloudy on November 18, 2004, at 8:04:51
I have not been able to screw up the courage to attend a dance class. I have a headache, my stomach hurts, I'm having Effexor withdrawl, it's in a bad neighbourhood; look at all the reasons I have for not going. I was going to go Tuesday, but I was out of town. I was going to go yesterday, but the carpet cleaning guy was here and I couldn't get into my room to get changed (right). There's a class tonight and I'm frantic at the thought of going to it.
The fact is that I'm terrified to do this alone. When I took dance lessons up north, I knew everyone in the class, and it was a FUN thing, a hoot. This time it has much more meaning for me - self expression, confidence, skill... and I really don't want to do this by myself. There is no one I can call on to drag along with me. My fear keeps me seated on the sofa, keeps my eyes down and mouth closed at the gym, has me rush through the grocery store so quickly I don't even buy all the items on my list. Please don't look at me. Please don't start a conversation. Please let me pass through without you even knowing I was here.
When I danced the other evening for the book club, it was on my turf, to my music, in a space I know well. As it was, I was instantly soaked in a flop sweat as soon as I started. And midway through the dance, I felt an unmistakeably, feminine, embarassing moment start. So I couldn't sit down afterwards but ran to the bathroom. I'm so afraid of embarassing myself. This is not my depression, this is the real me. A wee timid mousey woman with wobbly upper arms.
I don't want to cross the street without someone to hold my hand.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:417356
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041114/msgs/417356.html