Posted by gardenergirl on November 13, 2004, at 12:05:12
In reply to Re: Looking for advice - Gross warning, posted by boomarang on November 12, 2004, at 23:38:47
Dinah,
Wow, what an awful position you are in. I've seen similar family situations in the past when I used to do sub-acute rehab in the past. When it came time for discharge, there was often a huge gap between what the patient could do, what they think they can do, how much help was needed, and who would be providing that help. It was often VERY helpful for the doctor to make the hard recommendations. For some reason, patients respond better to that than if it comes from family or some other (perceived lower position) health care worker.
So, consulting their doctor or a geriatrictian if you have access to one, even Adult Protection Services is not really "ratting them out", even though I can certainly understand how it feels so. It's helping them get the care the need. You would do whatever you had to to get care for your son if you couldn't provide it yourself. It's similar, although not exactly the same, with aging parents.
And not to be the voice of doom and gloom, but yes, the situation you describe is neglect on the part of your mother and your father. They both are responsible for your dad's care, and what she is deciding is not adequate. Your fear of skin breakdown and infection is valid. And from what you described in the past, and I certainly mean no offense towards your own abilities, but I think that you are really not the best caregiver for the personal care your father needs. He needs someone trained and skilled enough to deal with unexpected situtations. And believe me, from working in occuapational therapy and doing numerous bathing sessions with all kinds of different clients, bathing and self care is not always straightforward or predictable. The caregiver needs to be able to get him up off the floor if necessary.
Dinah, I think any professional you consult with would agree with you that they need more help. The only ones who don't are your parents, and they are not making good decisions right now, for all kinds of reasons. I think Lar's idea of conservatorship or guardianship might not be a bad idea. It's not a pretty process, and it likely will generate all kinds of angry words from your folks, but it sets a very clear boundary and expectation for who gets to make the decisions in order to ensure they get adequate care. There are court appointed guardians available, but in my state there is a waiting list, so it's much more expedient for it to be a family member. Perhaps your husband might take on the role, in order to give you more emotional distance? He could be the CFO of your parents' care, and you or someone else could be the manager?
I'm emailing you some internet resources based on the state I think you are in. You may already have some of these or not. Councils on Aging are VERY helpful. So is United Way, usually.
Take care,
gg
poster:gardenergirl
thread:415167
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041105/msgs/415434.html