Posted by octopusprime on October 5, 2004, at 21:20:39
In reply to Re: The head count, posted by cubic_me on October 5, 2004, at 16:47:47
cubic_me, your quote about "Perhaps we also subconciously seek out those similar to ourselves." is something i've been thinking a lot about lately.
it's funny but i've run into this a lot in some musical circles. in the last year or so i have met a lot of people taking up music as a new hobby, or being committed to it as a job and/or lifetime passion.
perhaps it is the crowd i run with, but many of these people should be committed! the more i talk to them, the more i get to know them, the more i see it. one guy (with the schizophrenic brother and whose mother is "crazy") acts like a mild case of bipolar II. one lady is codependent (on a never ending string of mental cases, addicts, and abusers). then there are the substance abusers.
the crazy thing is that i took up music as a constructive way to reintegrate myself back in to society, get a new social group, and recover from lingering depression. little did i know that all these people are bonkers!
so i go down to the beach to relax in the little laid back corner of bohemia. and there it is. substance abuse. chronic disability. a guy that was orphaned and is now homeless. another guy whose dad left him and is now looking for love in all the wrong places. so i get off the beach.
so i think back on people i've left behind. my former best friend was bipolar and narcoleptic with drug and eating disorders and the disintegration of our friendship was directly related to mental illness. (his and mine).
my last boyfriend was pretty normal, if not sullen and withdrawn with an inferiority complex (and perhaps latent unexplored homoerotic desires due to formative sexual experiences with transsexual hookers).
a friend i still see regularly (monthly) or so i have distanced myself from a bit in the last couple of years is nuts in some undescribable way. a dear friend of his (and a friend of mine) went missing (they never found his body but there was a suicide note) not too long ago.
and of course my coworkers are also a merry band of social misfits (largely with alcohol and workoholism problems)
i go home and read to try to settle the old mind down a bit. what appeals to me now? nothing but the beat poets and the descendants of beat poets and the generally nuts. brautigan, bukowski, cohen. listen to tom waits. i fall outside the window with confetti in my hair.
i think to myself, hey maybe i am a poet and an artist. maybe i'm in it for the spark. mental illness is the blessing and the curse that comes with an artistic nature and intelligence.
but i know it's bad for me, because i know where it leads:
drugs
drunkenness
indiscreet sexual encounters
floating off into outer space
dirty cluttered apartments
chain smoking
ridiculous expenditures on non-essentialsi need a sane rock to tie me down. i need somebody to call me on my bull$h!+. but at the same time i mock these people, think they're boring old stuffed shirts, and don't return their phone calls. i want somebody that tweaks that spark in me. but i don't want somebody that messes with my head. and those two goals are contradictory.
it must be a sign of my mental illness that i choose the person that tweaks the spark every time.
sigh.
this is a long meandering rant but i think it must be brain chemistry that draws the fruits and nuts together. it just meshes. and i don't know if any amount of drugs or therapy can eradicate the basic human chemistry that is created between two people when they interact.
poster:octopusprime
thread:399006
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20041001/msgs/399411.html