Posted by partlycloudy on August 9, 2004, at 11:45:38
In reply to Re: Scared to go on vacation, posted by gardenergirl on August 9, 2004, at 10:31:30
Right now I don't think I can even call to make an EMDR appointment, I am so strung out. If I think about the trip, I immediately start crying. My husband called to see how I was feeling and I couldn't even answer him.
When I was a kid I would get so worked up about going on a trip - happy, excited, ready to leave - that I'd puke before we even left the house. This just feels like the grown up version, but without the happy part.
I have so much history in England, so very bittersweet. I'll be visiting my uncle who lives in Wales. I wrote that we'd be coming 3 months ago, and yesterday my mom called to say that their reply letter had been returned because they had my wrong address. That made me cry - why on earth?? What am I so overwrought about?
I lived over there for 7 years, near Manchester. I am familiar with many places there - we did a lot of exploring. I left under dreadful conditions. Deported because my now ex was laid off, but he wouldn't accept the relocation package. I thought it was just because he wanted to stay in this new country we loved so much, but it turned out that it was because he had defaulted on our mortgage on the house in the states without telling me.
So when we were at Heathrow, flying over so he could interview there since he couldn't find anything long term in England, immigration informed us we couldn't ever return. I became quite hysterical. My ex became enraged with me. We finally were allowed back in for a 2 week period to put our UK house on the market and sort everything out to move back.
The job he got when we went back to the states resulted in him being fired after 3 weeks. It took him 7 weeks to tell me. He'd leave the apartment in the morning and come back at the end of the day.
At the end of the first year, we filed our taxes (jointly, as always) and his paycheck (from another new job) was seized by both the federal and state governments. I didn't know until the rent check bounced. Turned out that he hadn't filed any tax returns for the entire time we lived abroad. He had all the U.S. paperwork sent to him at work. He didn't open any of it, just stuffed it in his sock drawer and told me nothing.
I am allowed back in to England as a tourist but can't ever reside there again. My 18 year marriage disintigrated in more lies and I have moved on. Got a divorce. Met my present, fantastic, supportive husband and we've been married for 2 years.
I have such mixed feelings going to England on vacation. It's where my dad was born and grew up. It's where my mom's family was relocated to after WW2. It's my heritage, and it't got this stain of shame that I can't erase.
Getting it out like this is cathartic and is actually helping me calm down. I did spend my last EMDR session on this very subject and trip, but I must have let my guard down to have become so upset again.
I should be happy and excited at the chance to show off my former stomping grounds to my husband. Instead I'm sad all over again. It still hurts, after 8 years.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:375570
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040802/msgs/375627.html