Posted by partlycloudy on July 21, 2004, at 15:05:17
In reply to Re: Progress? » partlycloudy, posted by pegasus on July 21, 2004, at 14:31:02
I just didn't have a T appointment scheduled - I've been alternating between my regular T and the EMDR T. This week happened that I have neither on the calendar. I'm OK with not seeing either of them, but I feel kind of - in between. Like I'm so used to having a gage as to how I'm doing, and now I have to think for myself. I don't even know how to be objective any more. From my Ts and my p-doc's perspective I have improved quickly and I'm committed to making my recovery happen.
I'm not as depressed.
I'm not as anxious.
I don't get as many panic attacks.See, doesn't that look good? But I still struggle with meds and their side effects. I can't sleep unless I take Ambien. I can't get through a day unless I take a Xanax .5mg but still! I started an exercise program and I think the change in my metabolism has thrown it out of whack. My short term memory comes and goes. Today I can't tell you who I've talked to on the phone this morning. I read my emails and I wonder when the last time I wrote to that person was. I haven't a clue.
I read some posts and can't remember if I know who the poster is - argh!! I always used to say that my mind is like a seive; well now, it's a big old funnel. Nothing is staying behind.
And I have let Babble get the better of me, once again. That fire fighting yesterday got me so upset, and I realize that I still have the same old buttons that I let get pushed. So I wonder if I've made any progress at all. For me the BIG issue is substance abuse. I can't say that I've had much help on that front. (PLEASE - no one suggest AA to me again, thanks so much.) It's booze and weed. I go weeks at a time with neither being consumed or used. No one ever sees me drink in public. I save it for the lonely evenings when I'm all alone and too messed up to call anyone without feeling embarassed.
So. I guess I am being sarcastic. But I didn't realize it until I wrote it all down here.
poster:partlycloudy
thread:368650
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20040717/msgs/368677.html